A few answers:
- YES I CAN be a sick bastard.
- YES I was bored.
- YES self-insertion FOUR TIMES CONCURRENTLY in the same fic is somewhat
gratuitous.
- NO I _do_ like Ranma 1/2. It's just that occasionally the sheer
amount of fanfics about it gets me down, particularly as I can't get
half the references in them. Ah well.
- YES my cat really _is_ called Ryo-Oh-Ki.
Disclaimer: I think you know who the characters portrayed belong to by
now. ;) This file contains extreme violence. Don't THINK I've broken
(m)any rules...
Don't be too annoyed, it's all meant in fun. Really. Any comments? :P
- Subi [22/12/99]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The scene is a typical picture of Christmas bliss, the hollow cosy
euphoria created by the Victorians. Paperchains crisscross the room,
tangling around the light bulb, which sparks ominously in its socket.
Christmas cards are nailed to every available flat surface. Stuffed
robins disport themselves about the various shelves, carefully stitched
back together again after Ryo-Oh-Ki the cat had proved a little too
enthusiastic about her task of gathering. Four turkey and stuffing
kebabs steam and spit inside the oven, and spray-on snow decorates the
windows, almost concealing the dank Manchester skyline, which, as
usual, is 1000-wash grey, and the fact that the snowflakes falling
gracefully from the sky are dissolving as soon as they hit the
pollution layer.]
[Isn't it lovely? You can almost see Bing Crosby and his jumper. None
of our heroes is wearing a cardigan though. And there is no tree.]
ArtSubi: [looks over WriterSubi's shoulder] Yeah, where _is_ the tree?
WriterSubi: MusicSubi's gone out to get one. Have you finished that
picture of Selphie from the Agent Aika viewpoint yet?
ArtSubi: You sent _MusicSubi_ to get the tree?!
WriterSubi: He was the only one of us free. CoderSubi's cooking the
dinner and I was trying to remember how to spell "cardigan". And you
were in the bathroom, which, incidentally, I take as a sign that you
_have_ finished that picture of Selphie?
ArtSubi: Er... yeah... well... it's important to be passionate about
your art. Besides, you were using the PC, so I couldn't colour it
yet.
WriterSubi: Well _I_ haven't been able to get on it for ages.
CoderSubi was on IRC trying to drum up support for his proposal for
rec.arts.anime.ranma.diescreamingwithforksinyourhead. Don't think he
had much luck.
ArtSubi: Probably more than MusicSubi will've finding a tree. Enough
absinthe and he thinks _everything_'s green and bristly. We could
end up with _anything_.
WriterSubi: "Is this a Christmas tree I see before me...?"
[There is a sudden clatter as MusicSubi comes through the door carrying
something about five-and-a-half foot long and wrapped in some sacking
under one arm.]
ArtSubi: No, it isn't. Pretentious git. I told you.
MusicSubi: [blinking] Cool! I knew we lived in _one_ of these houses.
WriterSubi: What the _hell_ is _that_?
MusicSubi: Got a tree. A tree. Green one. Pointy.
WriterSubi: We'll be the judges of that. ArtSubi, distract him while I
grab whatever it is.
ArtSubi: Okay. Hey! Isn't that the entire female cast of Bakuretsu
Hunter sitting on the windowsill?
MusicSubi: Where?!
WriterSubi: [grabs bundle] Nice one. Now, let's see... oh. MusicSubi,
this is _not_ a tree.
MusicSubi: [frantically whipping head from side to side in his pointless
search] Where? WHERE?! What do you mean not a tree?
WriterSubi: I mean it _isn't_ a Christmas tree. It isn't green, it
isn't wooden, it hasn't got leaves, it's got dark hair tied in a
pigtail and it's wearing Chinese trousers. It is, in fact, an
unconscious Ranma Saotome.
ArtSubi: Have you been at the lighter fluid again?
MusicSubi: Nah, I drank it all last night.
ArtSubi: How the _hell_ did this disaster of a human being capture the
greatest martial artist in the history of Japanese visual fiction?
WriterSubi: I think the lighter fluid remark answered that one.
MusicSubi, did you breathe on this guy at all?
MusicSubi: Maybe.
WriterSubi: Well, I suppose we'll just have to make the best of it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The kitchen. CoderSubi is thrashing about amongst the vegetables with
a BIG knife. He's wearing one of those "Piyu Piyu" aprons that Sasami
seems to favour.]
ArtSubi: Have we got any green paint?
CoderSubi: In the larder.
ArtSubi: In the larder... right. That explains why yesterday's leek
soup tasted so bitter.
CoderSubi: What d'you want it for?
ArtSubi: [deep breath] To paint Ranma Saotome with.
CoderSubi: Eh?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Back in the sitting room. WriterSubi and MusicSubi have manhandled
Ranma's feet into a large flowerpot and poured quick-drying cement
into it.]
ArtSubi: Got it.
CoderSubi: It's true! Oh glorious day that has delivered our nemesis
unto us! [cackles] So, what's the plan?
WriterSubi: For starters, go and set up that paint spray. The cement
should be dry by then. Oh, is he waking up?
Ranma: Urgh... I remember... a smell... hey! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
HERE?!
ArtSubi: [pours paint into the spraytank] Perfectly simple. We need a
Christmas tree and, as anything remotely connected with greenery is
hard to come by in Manchester, and as MusicSubi is something of a
casualty, we're going to use you instead. [passes round some
facemasks]
Ranma: HAH! Don't make me laugh! Don't you know what I'm capable of?
Mere concrete cannot hold me! With one bound I shall be FREE!
*NNNGH!*
CoderSubi: [smirks] Oh yeah?
Ranma: [panting] Shit... *HAAAH* What's happened? Did that freak
stick me with another moxybustion? *HUFF*
WriterSubi: No, it's just that this is the UK, where your animes aren't
available. Therefore, as I've never seen them I _don't_ know what
you're capable of. And, as I'm writing this fic, that means I can't
write you doing whatever it is I don't know you can do.
ArtSubi: Are you sure that isn't total bollocks?
WriterSubi: Who cares? Suspend your disbelief why don't you? We've
addressed the issue so the C&Cers can't get us on that one. [puts on
mask] Hit it.
ArtSubi: Let's rock.
[PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH]
[You may wish to shut your eyes right now. Or at least open a window
for ventilation. There is about a minute of spluttering as Ranma
desperately tries to breathe through the thick spray of mister Dulex's
best moss green liquid wallpaper. Okay, you can open them now.]
ArtSubi: Done.
[Ranma stands before them, totally green with the exception of the usual
comedy blinking eyes.]
Ranma: [spits paint] You... *PEH* ...BASTARDS!
MusicSubi: Did you do like it says in Goldfinger and leave a small area
at the base of the spine unpainted so he doesn't eventually die of
skin suffocation?
ArtSubi: No. [evil grin] Deliberately. Shall we wait for it to dry?
WriterSubi: No time. Got the blowtorch CoderSubi?
CoderSubi: [applies match to end of blowtorch] Here we go.
WriterSubi: [over the screams] Make sure you dry his arms sticking out,
we need something to hang things off.
[FGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSH]
[Ooops, should've told you to shut your eyes again there. This goes on
rather loudly for about five minutes, with the screaming tailing off as
the paint on his face welds Ranma's mouth shut. Eventually Ranma is
completely rigid with his arms sticking straight out from his body at
shoulder height. His eyes are frantically blinking and wheeling,
searching for a means of escape, but there is no hope MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!]
ArtSubi: [watching WriterSubi type that last line] Don't get _too_
carried away.
WriterSubi: Sorry. Okay, anybody got any ideas for decorations?
ArtSubi: [hefting a rivet gun] One or two.
WriterSubi: Nice one. Put some silver paint in the hopper though.
[KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG
KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG
KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG]
ArtSubi: Enough?
CoderSubi: Few more, nail his lips together. He's broken the paint and
that screaming's getting on my nerves. Hey! Baka! Get into the
festive spirit can't you? You're making people happy!
[KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG KDANG]
WriterSubi: Okay, that'll do. Let's keep it tasteful here. We got any
tinsel left?
CoderSubi: Nope, MusicSubi's eating the last of it with some spaghetti
sauce. But I've got a notion. [whips out the BIG knife he was using
earlier] How long's the human small intestine again? Fifteen feet?
WriterSubi: Ample. Go for it.
[SLASH SLASH SLASH SLASH SLASH SLASH SLASH SLASH SLASH SLASH SPLUTCH]
WriterSubi: Dump them in the silver paint, mucky pink isn't really a
festive colour.
[The three of them drape the hideously mutilated Ranma in the dripping
ropes of his own entrails. ArtSubi briefly kicks in the paint spray
again to cover up the gaping hole in his stomach.]
CoderSubi: There.
ArtSubi: Lovely.
WriterSubi: Still got something missing though... [calls through to the
kitchen] Hey! MusicSubi! Did you get a fairy as well?
MusicSubi: [enters] Uh... yeah. [pulls out something from the umbrella
stand]
Sailor Moon: What are you idiots _doing_?! REI! HELP!
CoderSubi: [evil grin] And I thought it couldn't get any better...
[picks up rivet gun]
WriterSubi, ArtSubi, CoderSubi & MusicSubi: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ArtSubi eventually finished that picture of Selphie. Enjoy:
http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Orchard/4834/subi-camangselph.jpg
subi@mono211.com
http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Orchard/4834/
[end]
