On Mon, 20 Dec 1999, Angus MacSpon wrote:

 >I have to admit it -- the story gripped me.  It was well-written and
 >very involving.  You suckered me out several times -- in particular,
 >when Kaori gets back, acting very strange, and especially after Satoru
 >plays the "Floater" song, I suspected that Kaori was in fact dead, and
 >that it was her ghost that had returned.  (Which would have fitted the
 >title in a very different way.)
 >

Man, now there's a story idea. ^_^

Well, hey, it could have worked pretty well ...  :)

 >No, I enjoyed OKC -- except for the ending.  The fact is, I found the
 >ending to be extremely bland, and something of a major let-down.  After
 >all that has gone before, after all the emotional build-up that you've
 >gone through, what happens?  They persuade Kaori to talk about it, and
 >she does, and cries, and then she and Satoru live happily ever after.
 >I'm sorry, but something is missing -- namely, a climax.

Oh yes... I completely forgot the scene after it where Ryan walks in
with his red lightsaber and Sotaru summons his powers and destroys him
in a battle to end all time. ^_-

Ho ho ho.  I don't mean a big action sequence.  This kind of story
demands an emotional climax -- and _that_'s what I think is missing.
It seems too rushed at the end, and all resolves itself too quickly,
abruptly and neatly.  In short, as I said, the ending is something
of a let-down.

Normally I'd tell y'all to get over it, but there is in fact material I
didn't include.  I thought maybe it could go as being impled.  I assume
you were unhappy mostly with the "they live happily ever after" part
that is perhaps a logical leap.  The next revision I do before it
finally gets submitted to RAAC will probably include a reworked ending
sequence.

Not so much the semi-fairytale ending, which I think works very well,
but with what precedes it.  I've got no problem with "happily ever
after" endings, but I don't think you'd had enough of a resolution
_before_ the fairytales.

 >I have no fault to find with what precedes it.  But I think the ending
 >(not the epilogue, but what precesed it) needs some serious work.

As an ending, yes, it does.  As a scene in and of itself, I feel it's
the best I've written.  it's just not made to carry the burden of an
ending, as you've pointed out.

 >Sorry -- but, well, you did ask.

Hey, I appreciate it... you gave me a straight opinion, and didn't fall
into "this sucks, change it."

Heh.  If I'm going to have the nerve to tell someone I didn't like what
he wrote, I'm at least going to say _why_.

--Matt

Cheers,
Angus

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Angus MacSpon                                                Allen Gainsford
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/