Jed M Bidwell <Jedediah@tri-countynet.net> wrote:
This fic is not yet complete. It's something I pounded out in one
night, so go easy, okay? ^_^
Don't I always? Let's see... where'd I put those thumbscrews?
Taking a deep breath, Gosunkugi carefully stepped into the center of
the diamond, slowly so as not to alter the sygil. He clapped three times,
bowing his head as he chanted the spell from the old text.
As he repeated the chant, he called forth an image of Ranma Saotome,
his eternal nemesis. Gosunkugi focused his anger, his hate, into the image
of Ranma.
Gosunkugi as an actual sorcerer... that's fanfic cliche # 7, I believe.
:)
Seriously, Gos as a magician is about like Akane as an olympic-class
swimmer. If you're going to use the big G as the source of the trouble
here, he needs to be sold a magic book by some mysterious stranger, or
something like that. Otherwise, IMO, it's just not belivable that he
could suddenly manifest actual ability after going through the entire
manga being completely incompetent at it.
She stole an annoyed glance at the two, but the expression on
Ranma's face froze her. His features were twisting into a scowl of anger as
he defended against Genma's assaults, an anger she had never seen before.
Not the usual indignant kind he normally showed, but something akin to rage.
My gut feeling is that this spells out what's happening a little too
much -- especially since we already know that it's an anger spell. I'd
suggest showing Ranma's blow-up at Genma first (as you do quite well
below) and saving Akane's reaction and attempt at explanation until
after that.
To the surprise of the entire class, Ranma remained standing as if
the energy drain wasn't affecting him at all. A red glow surrounded him,
permeating the yellow beam. Hinako shouted a curse, breaking off the attack
and dropping the coin. The fifty yen piece clattered to the tile floor,
smoke wafting from its surface while she rubbed her hand. Ranma continued to
stand there, panting and gnashing his teeth.
"Take your seat," Hinako said, her sultry adult voice filled with
uncertainty and traces of fear. Ranma took a step forward, Hinako taking one
back as he approached. To the collective relief of the class, he merely
stalked out the door and vanished. Akane and Ukyo glanced at each other,
both thinking the same thing. What the hell just happened? They rose from
their seats, charging after Ranma.
Whoa, you haven't read the "Beat Up the Principal" story, I take it.
Suggest you do. You can find it at http://ranmascan.dhs.org in book 24,
pp. 37-68. As this story shows, absorbing an unnatural amount of anger
will affect Hinako's personality and behavior.
"Damnit, Ranma, what's your problem?" Akane exclaimed.
"Didn't I tell you to get lost?" Akane's jaw dropped open, a choked
sound of hurt and anger coming forth. Unconsciously, she lashed out at him
with her left fist, the flying appendage sailing directly at Ranma's head.
C'mon, he at least needs to say "get lost, uncute tomboy" or something
like that to inspire this kind of reaction. Also, if Akane is going to
swing at him, I'd make it a separate paragraph since the dialog line is
Ranma's.
"Get away from me, Ukyo," he said, turning to leave.
"Oh, no ya don't!" She grabbed his arm, but was unprepared for the
spinning strike that landed against her cheek. She fell to the ground, her
face stinging from the impact. Stunned, she just looked up at him. Ukyo
couldn't comprehend what Ranma had just done. He had... HIT her!
"How could he hit his own fiancee? I'll have to whack him with my
spatula for that!" :)
Interesting story, and nicely written... I'll be interested to see where
it ends up.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html