See chapters 1-2 for disclaimers and acknowledgements
~*~*~
Chapter 11
"All my instincts, they return,
And the Grand Façade, so soon will burn,
Without a noise, and without my pride,
I reach out from the inside..."
Your Eyes, Peter Gabriel
"Nicky, I don't know what to do!" Kevin threw his
hands up. "If she decides never to talk to me again, doesn't
it ruin everything?"
Nicky was silent, staring darkly at Kevin's bedspread.
"Yes it does. But..." Nicky paused again, shifting in her
perch at the foot of Kevin's bed. "I have a feeling that
this is God messing with us. It likes to watch us suffer...
That's what it does for fun. But I don't think that it would
end everything so quickly. It enjoys torturing you too much
for this to be the end."
Kevin only nodded, not quite sure of what to make of
what Nicky had said. It was very upsetting to know that you
were a cosmic chew-toy. But most of all, he kept seeing
Kaori's eyes as she had looked up at him and said "And what
if I don't want to hear it?" There had been no forgiveness
there, absolutely no interest in listening to his side at
all.
It had been a long time since he'd felt like this.
Depression was settling inside him, taking away the feeling,
his chest feeling more and more hollow as the minutes
passed. Now it had developed to a cavernous emptiness. He
felt like his ceiling looked; starkly white, blank, and
lifeless. He rolled over, from his back to his side, and
looked absently at his hand where it lay beside his head on
the pillow, and thought that his hand looked like something
foreign all of a sudden, the way his fingers curled
reminding him strangely of a dead insect.
Nicky eyed Kevin's increasingly blank expression with
fright. He was retreating inside himself, locking his pain
inside, where it could do the most damage. She did the only
thing she could think of. Grabbing him by the front of his
T-shirt, she hauled him up to a sitting a position, and
cuffed him sharply across the cheekbone. His blank, dull,
purple eyes, cleared for a moment, and the clouded again.
Fear settled in the pit of Nicky's stomach. He's giving up,
she thought, and he hasn't even really started his fight
yet!
She slapped him again, much harder this time, and
shook him roughly. "Listen to me. If you want to lay here
like a worthless piece of trash, then go ahead. But
relinquish me of my duties. If your not even willing to keep
trying, then my job is finished. You can waste the rest of
your time here in this life, and think of what you've done
wrong, and how everything has been a horrible mistake!"
"Or," She said shaking him again, roughly enough to
give him whiplash. "Or, you can try to fix your mistake! You
were telling me that everyday, Kaori is becoming more like
Kaoru. Maybe Kaori wouldn't have listened to you, but Kaoru
would! She would! Kaoru would stay mad for a while, but
eventually she would listen. So are you gonna sit here and
let me shake you like a dead fish or are you going to do
something?"
He was completely ignoring her now. He dangled from
the inside of his shirt, Nicky's hold ready to tear the
shirt at any second. Disgustedly, she let him flop back on
his bed. "I'm going to tell you a story. Whether you listen
or not is up to you."
Nicky took a deep breath and paused for a minute. She
couldn't be sure, but she thought she might have gotten his
attention. "I wasn't always a Heavenly Guide, you know. I
was human once too. But it was a very long time ago, so long
that I have no idea what country I lived in, because the
name I had for it is lost to time."
"I married a man who was the head of our clan. For
some reason he'd fallen in love with me from afar. He and my
father arranged the marriage. I hated them both for not
asking me."
"But I did as my father wished. I married into the
ruling family of our clan. My husband was never anything but
kind to me, but because of the circumstances behind our
wedding, I refused him everytime."
"Eventually, my husband's kindness and consideration
for my wishes won me over and so we lived happily for a few
months. That was when the neighboring clan decided they
wanted out farmland, and war broke out, and he had to leave
to fight. The war was a long one; both our clans were fairly
large."
"Many months, I think, somewhere over half a year
later, I received news that my husband had been killed in
the war. Without any hesitation what so ever, I threw myself
from the highest spire of our home. I died instantly when I
hit the hard rocky earth, my neck snapped almost double."
"That was the first time I met God. It informed me
that committing suicide had severely impaired my chances for
a happy incarnation, and killed any chance I would have had
at meeting my husband again in a future life. So it cut me a
deal. If I guided tortured souls like myself, and helped
them find what they were looking for, I could eventually see
him again."
As Nicky spoke, Kevin's eyes slowly cleared and at
first, it was only sounds to him. However if he listened
harder the sounds separated into distinct words and the
words made up an interesting story. By the time she had
finished talking he was actually mildly curious of the
outcome. Nicky had finished and been silent for quite a
while when Kevin finally spoke up. "...Did you ever see him
again?"
Nicky hid her eyes, and from what he could see of the
other half of her face, her mouth was hard and the small
muscles in her jaw stood out as she clenched her teeth
together. "Yes. I did. But something God had never told me
was that no matter how hard I tried, he would never been
mine again. He already had a soul mate. I was assigned as
his guide to help him find her again, and it was very
painful at first; I almost refused to do it. But in the end
I agreed because I still loved him, even after so many
hundreds of years. So now I just look forward to my penance
ending so I can be reincarnated and live a normal life
again. I'm tired of helping people achieve their goals, and
not being able to achieve mine. But this is my last
assignment, and then my time in Purgatory
is over."
Kevin's eyes were wide a saucers as he looked at
Nicky, and she could only shake her head at the pole-axed
expression Kevin wore. "Thought being a Heavenly Guide was a
reward did you? Now are you going to be stupid like me, and
give up, and spend the rest of not just your life but your
entire cosmic existence making up for a mistake that could
have easily been avoided? I'll let you think on that. I can
only materialize for so long, and I'm starting to get
tired...."
Instead of Nicky's normal happy puff of smoke, she
devolved, particles of her materialized body falling all
over the carpet, and then further desolving until nothing
was left of her physical body at all.
Kevin watched the particles melt into the carpet,
confusion running a merry race through his head. Now he
wasn't sure what to do at all. Nicky's chastisement almost
made him feel as if he had no -right- to be depressed.
Momentarily, he bristled at that thought, though eventually
a more sensible voice, a remainder of who he used to be,
spoke up.
She's right, you know.
He shook his head wearily. What had giving up ever
gotten him before? Last time, he'd sat completely desolate
for so long that birds could have nested in his hair, and he
wouldn't have noticed... If it hadn't been for Aoshi
discovering the truth, he probably would have sat there
until he died. In fact, he had fully planned to do that.
It had been pathetic, really. But hadn't he just
almost relapsed into that state? In a way this was just as
painful. Death may be final, but there often isn't a choice.
It wasn't as if Kaoru had asked for that whole thing to
happen. But this time...This time, it had been her decision;
she had told him, "And what if I don't want to hear it?"
Nothing, nothing had hurt more then that. Knowing that
although she was still there, and no matter how much he
reached out for her, that she would only draw away, not
caring. If she ended up choosing never to speak to him
again, it was almost as final as death, and just as painful,
because it was something he had done that had driven her
away.
And even worse, there was nothing he could do about
it. If or when she ever wanted to listen, it had to be
entirely her choice. It would be completely on her terms,
because he had lost all negotiation rights. Overwhelming
tides of helplessness swept through him. He couldn't just
sit here like a lump. If he had to wait, he would wait, but
he needed something to do while he was waiting.
~*~*~
Nicky felt herself rematerialize, and as her body
reformed itself, she looked around. The Heavenly Throne
Room.
She was almost completely formed again, when a vicious
slap met with her cheek, knocking her witless to highly
polished tiles of the Throne Room floor. An absolutely livid
omnipotent being stood over her, it's chest heaving in
bearly surpressed rage, fingers curled to look like claws.
"Insolent wench! I can not -believe- you told him
that! You know that's against policy! You blatantly defied
me, and even worse you don't seem to care!" The being
continued to seethe, seeing that nothing it said was having
and effect on Nicky.
Slowly picking herself of the floor, Nicky straitened
up, and squared her shoulders. "Your Majesty; he didn't
realize who I was talking about. He would have said
something to me if he had." Nicky had developed the ablity
over time to look God strait in the eye as she spoke to it.
She knew this annoyed it to no end; so few people could do
it without soiling a perfectly good pair of undies beyond
repair.
The cosmic entity eyed Nicky, in a way she would
almost think of wary. It looked her up and down, and then
finally spoke. "Do NOT let it happen again. Next time it
will not be Purgatory; it will be Hell. And it will be
permanent."
"However," the being continued "I'll have to admit
that the show has gotten pretty interesting! As a Heavenly
Guide you've always been horrible, but perhaps it will
comfort you to know that you've always been a good source of
entertainment! Anyway," The being snapped it fingers three
times, in a 'Z' shaped motion, "Poof! Be gone!" And with
that, Nicky found herself once again banished to earth; her
particles purposely scattered to the four winds. It
would take her hours to be able to rematerialize again...
~*~*~
Kevin busily shoved all his dark non-dry cleaning
required clothing into the washing machine. Laundry just
wasn't what it used to be. All he had to do was turn it on,
dump his clothing and some detergent into it, and poof! A
half-hour later, your clothing is clean again. The dryer
held the same concept; it took all the fun out of it.
He closed the washing machine, and the lid made its
customary metallic thud. After Nicky had left, he'd taken a
quick shower, and tied his hair back while it was still wet.
He didn't feel like blow drying it, so he left a few wispy
bits of his bangs fall forward and then covered his head
with a purple bandana, his ponytail falling out the back.
Right now, he still felt about an inch tall, and when one
feels like that, one cannot stand to wear something that is
the least bit restraining. Kevin was no exception. He wore a
huge pair of Kik Wear brand raver jeans, and a ratty white
T-shirt that said "Heaven Sent" in pink cursive letters
across the front.
Kevin heaved a great sigh, and sunk down against the
hallway wall, knees pulled up to his chest. He needed to
have a plan. A strategy. Even a stupid sceme. Something to
take his mind off the situation. He didn't actually have to
follow said plan, strategy or stupid scheme; he just needed
to be thinking about it to keep his mind occupied.
He'd learned that situations were never as hopeless as
they seemed; they were often more hopeless then they seemed,
or not hopeless at all. Kevin sincerely hoped that this was
not as hopeless at it seemed. He heaved himself off the
ground, and turned to go back up his room to get another
load of laundry together. Remembering suddenly that his
parents weren't home, he popped one of the CDs they most
hated into his player and turned it up loud, and "Ophelia"
by Tear Garden echoed through the house.
He quickly filled another basket with clothing and
headed downstairs to the laundry room again to drop it off.
The torrent of synthesizers and drum machines mixed with
deep soothing British voices fit his mood perfectly. It had
been awhile since he'd been in the correct state of mind to
enjoy Gothic music.
He remembered Sam saying something about Kevin having
been a dancer; and he found himself doing just that.
Prancing though his house, his movements matching the
weirdness of the song as it changed for melodic vocals to
mechanically filtered noise, his steps holding the grace of
a ballet dancer.
He swept into the house's large linoleum tiled entry
hall. The slick floor allowed him the space he needed to
work out his emotions; this style of dancing had always been
good for that. He bobbed and spun, somehow not quite
following the beat, but not the voice either, and yet still
melding with the mournful tone of the song.
After an interlude of stillness the song picked back
up again; he kicked one leg out in front of him, and then
crooked it again in such away that the quick movement turned
him 180 degrees. The song slowed to a close and with one leg
planted behind the other for balance, he leaned backwards so
far that his fingers nearly dangled against the floor, his
back bowed almost to a bridge. Still bowed, he let his arms
circle back up till they were strait into the air, and as
slowly as he could manage, he straitened up, leaving his
head tilted back until the very last moment, and the
snapping it level again.**
Silence filled the house as the song ended. Through
the silence the sound of one person applauding echoed
through the empty house. Kevin's eyes snapped open, and
suddenly he realized that he didn't know when they had
drifted closed. He looked around, finding Kaori standing in
the doorway to his house, her eyes wide with wonder. He took
a few deep breaths to steady himself. "Um..." he ventured.
"How long have you been watching me?"
Kaori shook her head dumbly for a moment, but finally
replied, "Not very long. I rang the bell 5 or 6 times, and
you couldn't hear me. I figured it wasn't your parents
listening to music that loud, so..." She looked at her feet,
and dug one toe into the linoleum tile nervously.
"So..." Kevin trailed off. "Well, come in then, don't
just stand there." Kevin offered a weak smile which faltered
and fell away after bearly a moment. He gestured briefly for
her to follow him up the stairs.
As they entered what Kaori thought must be Kevin's
room, he immediately turned off his stereo. She looked
around absently, noting the posters on his wall; rock bands
she'd never heard of. His bookselves were full of books she
would probably never care to read. It became obvious to her
in that moment how different Kevin truly was from what she
had thought; but not personality wise. He seemed to be
interested in everything. His books went from classic and
modern English literature and Horror, Psychology and
Anthropology, liberally spiced by books on every different
religion she's ever heard of, and some she hadn't.
Kevin motioned for her to sit on his bed, while he
sank gracefully down into a cross-legged position on the
floor. They stared blankly at each other, neither having any
idea what to say to the other. Eventually Kevin just looked
at the ground; he certainly hoped that she hadn't come just
to stare at him.
Some uncomfortable moments later, Kaori cleared her
throat and broke the silence. "I..." she began tentatively,
but not quite managing to get the words out. Kevin looked up
at her hoping; she read the message clearly off his face,
and gained courage from it. "I came to say I'm sorry. I
didn't listen to you, and I should have. Sam came to the
school and explained things to me...and I guess...I probably
would have done the same thing."
Kaori closed her eyes for a moment. Kevin looked
horrible, just like Sam had said. However, when she had
walked in, and he was dancing, he'd seemed completely
blissfully lost in the music, and she almost felt...bad...
for making him come back to reality. She opened he eyes,
wondering how Kevin was
going to react.
Large lavender eyes peered up at her from the floor,
glowing in blissful happiness, and a wide grin full of
teeth was her answer.
Kevin silenced his brain's need to think, as he
bounded off the floor and scooped Kaori up in his arms in
a hug. Kaori yelped loudly, and he quickly set her back
down. He took both of her hands in each of his, pressed
his forehead against hers, their noses touching lightly.
"I'm sorry too." Kevin whispered rubbing their noses
together a little. "For not telling you anything, I mean. I
guess I should have, although, I don't know how I would have
gone about it..." Kaori put her index finger to his lips,
silencing him.
"Sssh. It's okay. There are a lot of things about me
you don't know. I mean, everyone has secrets right? There
are reasons for a person not to tell everything about them."
A huge feeling of Déjà Vu flooded through Kaori, one so
strong that it tore her away from reality.
Kevin watched Kaori's face momentarily go blank.
Mindless words fell out of her mouth, echoes from another
time:
"You mean, you don't know anything about me...and it's
okay?"
"There are reasons for a wanderer to be wandering,
right?"
Kevin shook her gently. "Hey, are you okay?"
Her eyes refocused and cleared almost instantly, but
there was a touch of fear hidden in their azure depths.
"Yeah. I don't know what came over me."
Kevin pulled her tighter against him, and looked into
her eyes, wishing that he could read her exact thoughts as
easily as he could read her emotions. He was worried about
her. But what she had said...
He still remembered that day so vividly. It had been a
landmark in his life. Someone who accepted him for who he
was, no questions asked. Nicky was right; Kaoru seemed to be
coming back.
~*~*~
Notes:
** My description of the Gothic style of dance can do it no
justice. It took me nearly four years to perfect. It's a
very emotional style of interprational dance. For those of
you who have no idea what I'm talking about; and perhaps
Miyu-chan is the only person who will have seen it before; I
suggest that you get decked out, put on some dark red
lipstick, rat your hair, and go to Gothic club just to
watch. Thanks go to Miyu-chan for letting me listen to and
tape the Tear Garden CD I ordered for her. It inspired that
whole section.