My suggestions on this fic, all representing my opinion only:
1) Give it a title. Titles are essential for helping people remember and
refer to your fic.
2) Cut down on the Japanese. There's no reason I can see for using
"Otosan;" we have a perfectly good word in English for "Father." The
same goes for many of the other words used here.
3) When a speaker addresses by name the person to whom he/she is
speaking, set the name off with a comma.
4) You might want to re-word "crashing into the floor very violently by
one arm." I for one am not at all sure what this means.
I don't really have anything to say on the story itself at this point.
I'll need to see how it develops from here. Alt-univs are difficult to
do well, but if you manage to avoid the usual pitfalls this could be
something quite good.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html