Role-Playing Outtakes
by Lara and Ammadeau and a cast of thousands
"Cheers!"
Glasses were raised and the mass toast commenced.
"Hold up, people. We have a problem," Lara announced,
entering the room. "Amm's... off for the weekend, so this is up
to me to respond to."
"What? What is it now?" Asuka asked, annoyed. She was
ready to put it all behind her... except for... well, the
obvious stuff.
Lara looked around the room, at the entire cast, and
said, "People don't get it."
Misato was first to respond. Loudly. "I went through
all of that, and people don't get it!?" She angrily slammed her
beer down, knocking down the pyramid of beer cans she had
consumed and then constructed. "This is bullshit!"
There was whispered conversation in the room as everyone
pondered the Oliver Stone-sized conspiracy that was in motion.
All that work for nothing... It couldn't be true.
"I don't think it's that bad, really. Just stop for a
minute and let me explain." Lara sat down after shooing Pen-Pen
out of a chair.
"Wark!"
"Oh hush. And take off that ridiculous outfit.
Penguins were not meant to wear dark glasses. Or little
uniforms like that." She gave the bird a stern look before
getting back to the point of her talk. "People aren't
understanding why Asuka went so much trouble just to get in
Shinji's pants."
"Hey!"
Shinji blushed and tried to disappear through the wall.
"So, we can either give an official explanation, or we
can give the real explanation. What do y'all think?"
"What does 'y'all' mean?" Maya asked.
"You all. Terrible English," replied Ritsuko.
"And I was being nice to you," Lara said, sounding hurt.
"See if I ever treat you sympathetically again."
Ritsuko paled.
"Ohh... someone's in trouble," came a sing-song voice.
"Shut up, _Sub_-commander."
"ANYWAY, I'm taking a vote," Lara said firmly, trying to
get things under control. There did not need to be another
brawl when Rei had half a fifth in her. "Real reason, or an
official explanation. All those in favor of the real reason,
say aye."
A few voices chorused "aye".
"In favor of the official explanation?"
A similar few voices spoke out.
"Suuure, Ammadeau's unavailable. He just _knew_ this
would happen," Lara grumbled. "Okay, what's the problem? You
guys don't care? Any explanation will do?"
"Well, what _is_ the official explanation?" Maya asked
hesitantly.
Lara eyed her for a moment. "You never did figure it
out, did you?"
Maya shook her head, blushing.
"Fine. The official explanation is that Shinji is far
too spineless--"
"Hey!"
"Cork it, slug-boy."
Snickers were heard about the room.
"And this is not acceptable to Asuka, so she devises
this project--"
"No plugs for your other fics!"
"Shut up. That was not a plug; it's simply the truth,
and if you talk to me like that again, I'm swapping your and
Fuyutsuki's roles in Pages."
"You did it again!"
"Excuse me for a bit. I have a fic to apply find and
replace to." Lara got up and left the room.
Everyone else looked around guiltily, doing their best
not to make eye contact with the chastised commander of NERV.
"And I thought I was her favorite," he mumbled, and
pouted.
After a few short moments, Lara returned. "Now that
that's done--"
"Yahoo! Where's Yui?"
"She's not part of this cast. Now keep quiet,
Fuyutsuki. I want to get through this in less than 200 lines.
Official explanation, AGAIN. Shinji's a wimp, Asuka wants a boy
with a spine (and a brain, so Touji's out), so she sets all this
up. As the reenactments go on, Shinji gets more confident, and
finally, when he's able to play his father, she knows he has
adequate spine. Especially after that performance. Good
job, Shinji."
Polite applause spread around the room.
"And the real reason... Well... All right, it's like
this. We started with an idea, sort of. Then we had some fic.
And then we had an end, and it was a good end. But, we had
absolutely no reason to go through the entire fic to get to that
great end... So... the real reason is... We dunno."
The room shook as everyone face-faulted.
Lara smiled and looked embarrassed. "Sorry. The
official explanation is much better, don't you think?"
The door suddenly burst open and in crashed Ammadeau.
"Sorry I'm late. How's..."
Lara immediately pointed at him. "It's his fault. All
of it. The waffles, refrigerator, penguin jokes, dishcloths,
the riding crop. Blame him."
Everyone turned and looked at the newest arrival with
murder in their eyes.
"Er... what?"
Lara sat back as the carnage began and smiled.
Amm howled as he was beaten senseless, proclaiming his
innocence. "It wasn't me, blame the channel! Blame the fanfic
chat room!"
"They didn't make you write me to sound like a surfer
moron!" Aoba shouted as he kicked Ammadeau.
"And I'm not physically violent like that!" Asuka
snapped, then punched Ammadeau in the side of the head
repeatedly.
Misato staggered over and tried to get her licks in, but
ended up tripping over a chair leg. She hit her head on the
table and passed out mercifully. At least for Ammadeau.
Gendo watched from his seat, currently in the corner, and
continued to pout. He was too upset to even adjust his glasses,
though they were currently on the tip of his nose.
"Yes," Lara said quietly. "Dance, puppets, dance." She
glanced over to find Pen-Pen sitting next to her, his flippers
"steepled" as best he could.
"Wark, wark," he agreed.
-*-*-*-
Rei, dressed as Ritsuko, was sitting at a desk, staring
at the wall. Asuka, dressed as Misato, was pacing in the
hallway, occasionally stopping to tap her foot impatiently.
Shinji, dressed as Kaji (complete with fake stubble), was
leaning against a wall, sometimes glancing at his watch.
"Can we start now, Asuka?" he whined.
"No, you idiot!" she yelled her reply. "Amm won't be
able to write this until Lara finishes the scene with Kaji!"
"Why?"
"Because each scene has to flow properly from the next
or this will end up like another round-robin disaster,
dummkopf!"
Shinji shuddered at the thought.
Rei, still staring intently at the wall, spoke up.
"That, however, is just another excuse for laziness."
Pen-Pen entered, dressed as Maya, carrying a tray of
waffles and beer, offering it at first to Shinji.
"Argh!" Asuka exclaimed, glancing at the tray. "Just
how many waffles did that stupid bird make anyway? And why
don't we have any good German beer instead of this Japanese
piss?"
Shinji took a bite of his waffle. "We had Guinness for
our last break."
"Hmph! The best Guinness in the world doesn't compare
to a good German beer! Isn't that right, Wondergirl?"
"Pardon?" Rei said, turning to face Asuka.
"Isn't it true that German beer is the best in the
world?"
Rei intently studied the can Pen-Pen handed her for a
few moments before replying. "I do not know. I dislike beer."
Asuka turned from Rei in irritation and resumed her
pacing. Shinji glanced at his watch again and wondered if he
should get his SDAT player, only then remembering that Asuka had
it. So no one was listening when Rei said, "I prefer a shot or
two of whiskey myself."
"How far along are we, anyway?" Shinji asked Asuka.
She stopped her pacing again. "Who knows? The end is
already planned, but I'm not sure how many more scenes it'll
take for us to get there."
"So how does this end anyway?"
Asuka blushed suddenly. "Don't you worry about that!
Just be ready for the next scene!"
Rei, having finished her waffle and finally convinced
Pen-Pen to take back the beer, said, "I would like another
scene as Commander Ikari."
Asuka and Shinji both shivered.
"I thought this was supposed to be finished by
Halloween, to go with the theme and all," Shinji said to break
the uncomfortable silence that had sprung up from Rei's
announcement.
"Well, there are still some days left until then," Asuka
pointed out, taking a sip of her -ugh- Japanese beer.
"I do not believe it was a reasonable idea in the first
place. It seems that any fanfic takes at least twice as long as
an author expects it to. Also, will this be sent out to pre-
readers?"
Asuka shrugged. "Who knows, Wondergirl? They've got
the people on FFIRC interested at least. I'm sure some of those
would be willing to pre-read, but then this isn't meant to be a
serious work anyway so I don't know if it matters."
"Anything worth doing is worth doing well, pilot
Langely."
In a room far away, observing these events unfold on a
monitor, a man adjusted his glassed and nodded in quiet
satisfaction.
A few moments later, the real Misato burst into the
apartment. "Asuka, why are you dressed like that?"
"You're still too early, Misato," Asuka told her in a
bored tone. She had lost track of how many times Misato had
already made her entrance.
Misato frowned. "Still waiting, eh?"
Shinji nodded. Asuka went back to pacing. Rei
continued to stare at the wall, not acknowledging the new
presence at all. Pen-Pen offered Misato a beer, which she took
gratefully and sat down.
"So how long is this going to take, anyway?" Misato
asked after guzzling down half the can.
"We don't know!" Asuka and Shinji shouted
simultaneously.
"Jeez, sorry I asked. This is only a silly fanfic.
Nothing to get all worked up over."
"It's the waiting that's getting to me," Shinji
admitted. "I mean, I can't do anything else because it could be
time the next moment, or it could be a few days from now."
Asuka spoke while still pacing. "I don't think it'll be
today. It's too early in the morning, and I'm sure that Lara
will get to it pretty soon. Why don't you go do something,
Shinji?"
"Like what?"
Asuka didn't have an answer to that.
"You could all do your homework," Misato put in,
starting on her fifth can of beer.
"Done already," Asuka, Shinji, and Rei replied.
"I wish an Angel would attack or something!" Asuka
shouted. "Then I could at least vent some of this frustration!"
"I do not believe that they have any plans of including
any Angels in this work of fan fiction."
Asuka paced for a bit more then suddenly stopped,
smacking her fist into an open palm. "I got it! We'll just
make believe there's an Angel attack."
"I do not believe Commander Ikari would authorize the
use of the EVAs for a faux attack."
"Not using the EVAs, Wondergirl. I mean right here.
Pen-Pen can play the Angel. We can set up some boxes for him to
knock over. And we'll just be our EVAs. Now all I need is a
kitchen knife as a stand-in for my prog knife..."
"Wark!" Pen-Pen blinked twice and made a mad dash for
his personal fridge, locking the door behind him.
Asuka watched the bird go. "Oh, well. Shinji, you can
play the Angel."
"Me?" Shinji asked. "No way, Asuka. No way I'm going
to do that!"
"Come on, Shinji, it'll be fun!" Asuka said as she
inched closer to him.
Shinji backed up, only to get his back to the wall. "At
least put down the knife!"
Asuka looked at her hand. "Now how did that get there?"
"Do you think Commander Ikari dislikes waiting?" Rei
asked suddenly.
Everyone immediately stopped what they were doing and
stared at the First Child. Shinji asked, "What does my father
have to do with any of this?"
"He has been observing us via a hidden camera in the
ceiling ever since Major Katsuragi spoke of this to Dr. Akagi."
"WHAT?!" Everyone else shouted.
"How did she know about that?!" Fuyutsuki asked Gendo.
Gendo only smiled slightly in response.
"How do you know that?" Misato asked while using some
paper towels to clean up the beer she had just sprayed all over
the place.
"Commander Ikari asked me to install it for him."
As a result, everyone face-faulted.
***
"It's about time!"
"What? What?" Shinji asked, hurrying into the room,
still in his Kaji get-up. "Are we ready to go?"
Asuka sniffed. "Finally. Took her long enough." She
looked over at Misato passed out on the couch and sighed.
"Figures. Come on, help me get Misato out in the hall so we can
get through this scene before Amm falls into a crack in the
earth this time."
Shinji and Asuka took Misato's arms and unceremoniously
dragged her off the couch while Rei got her legs. The three
managed to get the unconscious woman out in the hall where they
dumped her.
"I think she's been drinking too much. She's pretty
heavy," Asuka commented, huffing.
Shinji sighed. Yes, the waiting was over, but that
meant having to continue with the whole dress-up thing. "Why
don't we just stop here. It was funny for a little bit, but I
think it's going overboard."
"We must complete what was started."
"Wondergirl's right. We've done this much, so we might
as well go to the end. Besides, it won't be that bad. You
could always play Commander Fuyutsuki again," Asuka said,
grinning at Shinji. "I know how exciting that is."
Shinji frowned.
"Hey, it's not that big of a deal."
"I guess not, but..." Shinji's frown slowly faded. "It
just feels weird."
Asuka put her hands on her hips. "Would you rather sit
around the apartment for another two weeks like we just did and
do absolutely _nothing_?"
"Uh... I guess not."
"Then take your place! We're ready to get started
again!"
-*-*-*-
Misato was coming home, knowing that Kaji was out
somewhere with Shinji, teaching him "how to be man." She didn't
want to know what that entailed, but what she did know is her
apartment was now free of any "reenactments." She could almost
hear the cool, frosty cans of beer calling out to her...
Still, she cautiously approached the door with a feeling
almost akin to dread. Shinji might not be in there, but Asuka
could be doing... something, perhaps practicing for the next
scene, whatever it would be. And Pen-Pen was still acting a bit
strange ever since...
No, best not to think about it.
Shaking her head, Misato slowly opened the door, only to
gaze upon the most frightening thing she had ever seen in her
life. She screamed and fainted.
Misato awoke on her futon and noticed the sun beginning
to set out the window. Was what she saw just some crazy dream?
With all the things that had been happening lately, she would
have a dream like that. Still, what she needed now was a beer,
at least a half dozen cans ought to do it.
As she crawled over to the door, she started to become
aware of the sound of conversation. Asuka on the phone? No,
there were more voices than that. Shinji could be home after
whatever Kaji had put him through and Kaji could be with him.
There was a risk going out with _him_ there, but it could just
be the children's friends from school. Either way, she needed a
drink right now. It was worth the risk.
Lying flat on the floor, she decided it would be best to
take a little peek first, just to see if it was safe. She very
slowly slid the door open and was blinded for a minute by the
bright light. Then she saw...
"It was nice of Ammadeau to throw us this party to
celebrate the return to working on this fic," Maya said to her
co-worker as she sipped on some punch. "I just wish he hadn't
decided on a costume party."
Maya was currently standing around in a lab coat, high
heels, and other portions of wardrobe borrowed from Ritsuko.
She knew it wasn't the most inventive costume in the world, but
she only heard about the "costume" part of the party at the last
minute and had to go as someone. Seeing the other people there,
she realized she needn't have worried.
"I think it's kind of cool, actually," Aoba replied,
brushing a purple-dyed lock out of his eyes as he straightened
his too-small red cap.
"I can't believe you dressed up as Misato."
Aoba shrugged. "I already had a red jacket and long
hair. This was the easiest thing to throw together on short
notice. Besides, it's kind of fun in a weird way."
"How did you..?" Maya started to ask, pointing at Aoba's
chest, which was much more "prominent" than usual.
"Water balloons. Want to feel?"
"I'll pass."
"So do you think the commanders will come?" Asuka asked,
adjusting her dark glasses.
"Commander Ikari told me he'd be by later," Ritsuko
replied as she put her white gloves back on. "Something to do
with his costume, I believe."
"I wonder who he would dress up as?" Kaji pondered as he
wiped a spot of catsup off of his own uniform, which he had dyed
black for a quick costume.
"Who knows? He wouldn't tell me. All I know is that he
and Fuyutsuki worked on their costumes together. Did he say
anything to you, Rei?"
Asuka, Ritsuko and Kaji all turned to face Rei, who was
sitting behind Shinji's desk, white-gloved hands steepled before
her. She adjusted her glasses until they caught the light just
so.
"It is not my place to say, Dr. Akagi."
Shinji, Hyuuga, and Pen-Pen sat in a corner, ignoring
everyone after the sort of remarks their costumes had generated.
"So why..?" Shinji ventured after a few minutes of
silence.
Hyuuga shrugged a flipper. "When I heard this was going
to be a costume party, I got really excited and rushed down to
the costume shop, but after Halloween, all they had was this."
He indicated his penguin costume. "So why you?"
Shinji shrugged as well, and then had to adjust the red
wig he wore, which seemed determined to fall into his eyes.
"It's not like I wanted to. Asuka made me wear this. Said I
looked cute in it the last time or something."
Hyuuga took an another appraising glance at Shinji
dressed in Asuka's plug-suit. "It really doesn't suit you. Why
didn't you stand up to her?"
"Because it's cold in the refrigerator."
Hyuuga shook his head at trying to understand the boy
and turned to face Pen-Pen... and immediately turned away again.
It wasn't just the fact the penguin was dressed in Rei's plug-
suit, complete with blue wig and bandages, it was just he was a
little too good at acting like her.
"Wark."
After a while, Misato's feelings of horror faded into
indifference. Besides, the beer was out there. She changed
into a white shirt, black pants, slumped her shoulders, mussed
her hair some, and walked out to join the party.
Some time later, the doorbell rang. Guessing who it had
to be, Misato just shouted, "Come on in, the door's open."
The party immediately stopped when the door slid open.
All they could do was stare at the sight in the doorway.
Fuyutsuki was wearing jeans, sneakers, and a black
"Warcraft" T-shirt. That was strange, but not nearly as weird
as the long brown-haired wig that he wore, which had been pulled
back into a pony-tail.
Commander Ikari was... well worse, at least a ten times
worse. [Lara: Hey! It's not _that_ bad! Sheesh.] Misato spit
out her beer and made a silent prayer that this was all some
sort of alcohol-induced hallucination. She thought the other
costumes had been bad...
Everyone else in the room made similar prayers.
He was wearing a pair of jeans, tennis shoes, a t-shirt
that said "I hate everybody" and had a blond wig pulled back in
a ponytail. Familiar dark glasses hid his eyes, though these
lenses were almost rectangular.
There were a few awkward moments of silence, then Aoba
said, "So I thought Commander Ikari was going to dress up."
Everyone stared at Aoba, and not because he was dressed
as Misato this time.
"That shirt isn't much of a costume. It gives him away
immediately."
"I told you this was a bad idea," "Ammadeau" mumbled
under his breath.
"Lara Bartram" only smiled.
-*-*-*-
Quake2000 chat log from the Magi server:
<CommanderKensuke - Man, I don't know who player EvilBastard is,
but he is good!>
<SpinelessShinji - Who's EvilBastard?>
<CommanderKensuke - Probably Toji>
<Studmuffin- Shit. That EvilBastard got me again!>
<SpinelessShinji - Toji?>
<Studmuffin - Yeah. EvilBastard and WonderClone. They're
tearing me up.>
<Studmuffin - The only one I can get any consistent kills on is
OldDude. He just sucks.>
<SpinelessShinji - Who are they? People from school?>
<CommanderKensuke - Hey! EvilBastard! Makes sense! It's
Asuka!>
<EVAAce - I heard that!>
<WaterFowl - Wark!>
[ImTheGod has entered the server.]
<Studmuffin - All right, this guy should be an easy kill!>
<SpinelessShinji - Why do you say that?>
<Studmuffin - His skin is just a black monolith with the number
1 on it. What kind of loser would use that?>
<MrSmooth - Never know. The one with the giant beer can skin
has been clobbering me all night!>
<LiquoredUp - I'll get you for that!>
<SoulInUnit01> "OK, now that's just someone playing a sick
joke."
<Makoto> "What? You mean I wasn't supposed to use my name?"
Other handles on the server:
<CaffeinatedDoc>, <SweetYoungThing>, <GuitarGod>,
<EffeminateAngel>, and <CallMeQueen>
-*-*-*-
Things Gendo Might Have Said to Ritsuko Before He Shot Her
"You were lousy in bed." blam!
"See? I'm a man and I need a real woman. You weren't it."
*blam*
"Your mother was better." blam!
"You and your mother at the same time couldn't beat Yui."
*blam*
"At least Asuka's mom had some spunk." blam!
"Then again, Fuyutsuki's got spunk too." *blam*
"I had a better time with my right hand than with you." blam!
"I had a better time with my _left_ hand than you." *blam*
"How could you even hope to compare to a few dozen Rei clones?"
blam!
"Or even that Kaworu kid." *blam*
"With Kaji at least I could keep the lights on." blam!
"And I didn't need to use a rubber either." *blam*
"Ha! Now I can tell you that the secret funds I set aside were
really for my private harem!" blam!
"And you thought I was going to pay child support. Don't think
so." *blam*
"I hope your daughter will be better in bed than you were."
blam!
"And if she's not... we can always make another Eva." *blam*
"I think I'll ring up that Horaki girl after this." blam!
"This is for using LCL as a lubricant. That's just sick!"
*blam*
-*-*-*-
Due to the 'no smurfs' rule for RP, the following things had to
be cut:
Entering the command center that morning, Ritsuko
noticed something a little... different about the workplace that
day.
"Commander... what are those?" she asked, pointing out
the... things that now adorned every surface.
"Smurfs," Gendo replied in his usual tone, but there was
a silly grin on his face.
Ritsuko really didn't know how to take that reply,
especially on just one cup of coffee. "Um... why have you
suddenly decided to decorate the command center with smurfs?"
"They're cute, don't you think?"
"Commander, what have you been smoking?"
"I'm not sure. It was growing down in Terminal Dogma."
Fuyutsuki interjected, "I tried to convince him not to
smoke that little bit of Lillith, but he wouldn't listen."
Ritsuko stared at Fuyutsuki, then Gendo, who was
attempting to make shadow puppets on the main monitor. "I think
I'm... feeling sick! Taking the day off. Bye!"
There are also dozens of Rei that look exactly the same
too...
Handy Rei, Brainy Rei, Jokey Rei... Papa Rei?
<Ammadeau> Would the smurfs worship Rei as a goddess, after all
she has white skin and blue hair...
<Lerche> what would that make Asuka?
<Ammadeau> The anti-christ, of course.
-*-*-*-
Scene that I forgot about until it was too late:
"Shinji, be the commander!" Asuka commanded.
"Nooooo!"
"Do it!"
"No!"
"Do it!"
"No!"
"Okay, you can be the Angel in lava. All I need to do
is make the furo scalding..."
"Okay, I'm the commander," Shinji replied quickly.
"Asuka, how do I play my father?"
"Just sit there and look cryptic, dummkopf!"
Shinji attempted to do as Asuka told him.
"No, dummkopf. Don't sit like _that_. Sit like a man."
"Yeah, now Shinji's playing you," Fuyutsuki said with a
smirk.
"Yes, maybe I should get him his own pair of dark
glasses for his birthday."
The next day, Ritsuko told the third child, "Shinji,
Commander Ikari has asked me to give you an eye exam."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure."
-*-*-*-
Alternate Ending to Role-Playing:
Asuka: Father! I... love you.
Shinji: Just as long as I don't have to dress like this in the
bedroom...
Asuka: Oh no, I've got this charming leather outfit that's just
_perfect_ for you.
Gendo: Reminds me of the old days with Yui...
This leads to the first ever NGE collective face-fault.
-*-*-*-
Two ideas we might try and add in somewhere (or not):
Asuka as a drunk Misato (and Shinji runs away).
[Shinji walks in on Asuka practicing at being Misato by getting
really drunk.]
I bet she'd love it to be him, even if he has no lines, and she
can just sit there and pose. [Got to have a short scene where
Rei practices her Gendo poses.]
-*-*-*-
"Well, it's nice that we're done with this, isn't it, Amm?"
"Mmm Mmph mm."
"Well, yeah. They did beat you up pretty badly, but... it was
worth it, wasn't it?"
"Mmmr mm."
"Ah, don't be such a grouch. It's just a full body cast. And
they'll unsew your jaw in just a couple of--"
"MMRM MMPH!"
"Right, right. But this is the end. Sorry you won't get
anymore lines, but... that's probably for the best. Bye
everyone!"
"Mrmph mmph!"
END
roy.fokker@unspacy.org
http://members.tripod.com/~Ammadeau/fanfiction.htm
lara@emunix.emich.edu
http://www.thekeep.org/~lara/index.html