DISCLAIMER: There is no disclaimer. Nor is there a spoon.
(Matrix reference.)
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Ranma 1/2: A Matter of Romantic Chemistry - pt. 12
By Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
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Nabiki had put the kettles on the doctor's stove in his
private apartment when she heard the rain tapping on the
roof. If anyone was coming back ...
<Shut up, Biki,> she told herself firmly. <Everyone will
come back. This happens all the time. Nobody allows
themselves to be killed ... >
She watched Neko-Shampoo and Buta-Ryoga nap quietly together
on an armchair.
<Poor babies, all that time inside the Amazon and the Lost
Boy, never controlling their own bodies. Then the shock of
finally having their own bodies at last, then that big
fight.> She shook her head at herself. <I'm getting soft in
my old age.>
She heard the crunching of glass and a male Ranma's voice
saying, "Biki! Is there any hot water?"
She grinned, picking up two kettles in each hand, heading
toward the stairs as the cat and piglet raced ahead of her.
"Coming, Ko-chan!" She began to sing a song from an anime
movie sequel. "We've got hot water in our spaceship's
bathtubs ... "
Below, Ranko-kun released Shampoo-neko discreetly in the
doctor's office, laying the Amazon's clothes across the
chair to dry a bit. "Okay, sister, I'll bring some hot water
in for you. Try not to march out of here naked, okay? It'll
embarrass Ryoga."
Shampoo raised her nose in the air, making complete use of
cat indignation. Ranko-kun left the door slightly ajar.
The Amazon-turned-cat settled on the chair, waiting for the
water. She heard the door creak open and she turned to look.
Her cat-half, the soul she unknowingly carried in her, stood
at the door. Her ears were pinned back as she growled low in
her throat.
Shampoo picked up what she meant. <Oh, Great Artemis. She's
pissed at me for using her body without her consent. How the
Hades was I supposed to know?>
"Mrow?" <Hello? Make nice?>
"Hiss!" <Die!>
Catfight!
* * * * * * * * * *
Ryoga-buta was in an examination room, his clothes laid out
over the table he sat upon, waiting for someone to bring his
own hot water.
He was exhausted after the evening's events. He really just
wanted to slip into a warm bath and ... maybe cuddle with
Shampoo ... afterwards, of course. Fully dressed, too.
Funny how the notion of snuggling with Shampoo appealed to
him. He didn't know if he was in love with her ... part of
him still felt something for Akane, and even Akari ... but
he was willing to entertain the possibility.
"Bwee." <Hey, butthead!>
Ryoga-buta raised an eyebrow (if pigs had any) and looked
over the edge of the table.
Standing in attack position and looking up at him was his
piglet-half, ears back and snorting in a high state of piss-
off.
"Bwee!" Ryoga replied. <Hiya, P-chan!>
"Bwee-bwee!!!" <Die, you evil monster!!!>
The piglet sprang up and tackled Ryoga.
Nabiki came into the waiting room, kettles of hot water at
the ready.
"Hiya, oneechan!"
"Hi, Akane. Want to help hand out the hot water?"
"Sure."
Pouring some on Ranma and Ranko first, they briefly debated
on how to damp down Pantyhose-kaijuu (now Jiro-kaijuu,
Nabiki was reminded), who was still out in the rain.
"I'll handle it," Tofu said. Drawing a complex symbol in the
air with glowing lines, he tossed it out the door at the
great beast.
With a huge hiss and a burst of steam, the abruptly-human
Jiro rushed inside. "HOT!! HOT!! HOT!! HOT!!" he screamed.
"It's a good thing your other form is so tough," Tofu
remarked. "Otherwise that heating spell would have caused
serious injury."
"As opposed to boiling me like a lobster?!?" he objected.
"Wotta wimp," Ranko teased.
"Pansy," Akane agreed.
Jiro growled angrily.
"Hey, Jiro," Ranma asked, "How do you keep your clothes on
like that?"
"Now how about Shampoo and Ryoga?" Ranko chimed in.
"I'll take care of Ryoga," Ranma volunteered, taking the
kettle.
"Are you sure you don't want me to take care of him?" Akane
asked, hefting a mallet.
Tofu took the mallet. "I don't think that'll be necessary,
Akane-chan."
"Yeah," Nabiki said. "He's really changed after getting his
medication. He's actually sweet. And he does want to
apologize."
"Akane ... give him a chance," Ranma pleaded.
Akane looked at her fiance's eyes. "Well ... okay. But only
for you."
"That's my otemba-chan," he said, kissing her cheek.
"Oh give me a break!" Jiro commented.
"Not very romantic, are ya, Hibiki?" Ranko teased.
<CRASH!!>
A pair of piglets crashed through the examination room door,
trying their damnedest to kill each other.
Ranma quickly splashed them both with hot water, resulting
in a naked Ryoga being gnawed upon by a nasty little piglet.
"Get off of me!" he yelled.
"Now you know how I felt when you kept biting my a - OOF!"
Akane removed her elbow from Ranma's stomach and picked the
piglet up off of Ryoga, who was now blushing and cursing and
scrambling back into the room to get dressed.
"Now - " She turned the piglet to face her. " - what was
*that* all about??"
"RWOR!!!"
"MWER!!!"
Ranma visibly stiffened, hearing the dreaded howls of *two*
monsters from the back of the clinic.
"My turn," Ranko sighed, taking a kettle into the doctor's
office. She watched the two pink and purple Siamese cats
spin around the room in brawl, fur flying everywhere and
bells being slapped off.
She waited for Shampoo to weave around her legs in need of
help, then she poured the kettle over both.
Shampoo coughed, as the cat shook its fur and sprang up for
her face -
Only to be caught in a bubble of mystic force. Shampoo
looked up and smiled wanly. "{Thanks, doctor. She's mad at
me about being stuck in my head, I think.}"
He nodded, taking the kettle from Ranko. "I figured as much.
Get dressed. I'll make some tea for everyone and we can
figure out what to do with our guests."
Doctor Tofu left the doorway (the floating bubble full of
cat following him out) and Ranko closed the door as Shampoo
got dressed.
"Did you know she was in there?" the redhead asked.
"{Not at all. Oh, I could understand cats much better, but I
wasn't aware that it was actually *her* who knew it.}"
Shampoo looked at the redhead. "{Were you and Ranma -?}"
"Yep."
"{Is that how it was in Ranma's head?}" Shampoo asked.
"Kinda, except Ranma tried to ignore me and what I knew for
a long time. I was just too ... strong to ignore. Besides,
there could have been a lot of differences between Ranma's
curse and your curse."
"{So I still turn into a cat, huh?}"
"Afraid so. And the cat will turn into you, only with a
cat's mind."
Shampoo processed this as she re-tied her hair bells in,
letting the information ferment.
"{I may be able to take care of Mousse at last.}" Shampoo
mused.
"How so?"
"{By giving him what he wants.}"
A smile spread across Ranko's face, as did Shampoo's, then
both burst into giggles.
"You - are - evil!"
"{But it gets two pests out of my hair, right?}"
Both laughed, leaving the office to join the others.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Hey, he's kinda nice," Ranma remarked, scratching newly-
rechristened P-Chan under his chin. The piglet was obviously
enjoying himself.
"See? I told you he's sweet," Akane remarked, smiling. "It
was obviously Ryoga-hentai's vile influence that made him
nasty to you."
"Um ... about that," Ryoga said nervously. "Can we ... talk,
Akane? Privately?"
The piglet growled at Ryoga, hostility oozing off of him.
"Eat shi-" Akane began, but stopped when Ranma put his hand
on her shoulder. She reluctantly nodded. "Okay. But just
because Ranma asked."
As the two stepped into an examination room, Shampoo looked
into Akane's eyes, promising death if Ryoga was harmed.
Akane sniffed indignantly.
Nabiki tapped Ranko's shoulder and drew her aside. Ranko
noticed Nabiki's nervousness.
Ranma noticed his sister and future sister-in-law quietly
leaving, and the worry on Nabiki's face.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ryoga sat on the floor, bowing his head low to Akane.
"Okay, buta-hentai. I promised Ranma-sama that I would give
you a chance. So convince me not to kill you."
Ryoga made a note to thank Ranma for that - assuming he ever
left this room. "Please forgive my trespasses against you,
Tendo-san. I was foolish, arrogant, shy, proud, and - "
"Dishonest, depraved, unscrupulous," she supplied.
"dishonorable, stupid -"
"Stupid and childish," he agreed. "I know I abused your
trust. I've willfully tried to take advantage of you. I have
tried every means to make you hate Ranma and love me instead
... and I am deeply sorry for causing you all that pain. I
ask only to be forgiven."
He looked up at her. She gazed down, searching his face,
finding tears ready to spill from his eyes.
"You deceived me," she stated. "You could be doing it
again."
"I did before, but not now," he lowered his head again.
"Tendo-san ... I've been taking my medication, like I should
have long ago before we had even met. It has cleared my
mind, making me realize all the harm I've done. I'm so, so,
so sorry!"
He wiped his eyes, surprised the tears were coming at all.
Akane sat down in front of him, locking her eyes to his.
"Listen, Ryoga. 'Sorry' doesn't fix broken bones or broken
trust. You have to earn my trust again."
"You're - you're allowing me to live?"
"I really shouldn't, but love has made me more forgiving,"
she sighed. "Besides, men's tears soften me too much."
He rubbed his eyes. "I'm just so sorry. I promise to treat
you with utmost honor and respect. I will not come into your
presence without you're knowing and I won't pretend to - "
"Shut up, Ryoga," she replied. "Just stay nice and don't get
in my way."
He nodded. "Yes, Akane-san."
* * * * * * * * * *
In other the examination room, Ranko turned to Nabiki.
"Okay, Biki - what got you so upset earlier tonight?"
Nabiki bent her head close to Ranko's ear and whispered, "I
think Ichiro might be *my* father!"
Ranko nodded soberly. "How did you come to this conclusion?"
Nabiki explained to her of how she found the photograph and
the dates of the New Year's party and her birthday, just
nine months later. She whispered furtively, with Ranko
acknowledging the information.
Ranma had his ear pressed to the door, listening to the
girls on the other side. He had to hand it to Nabiki, her
quiet tones were *too* quiet, even for his heightened
senses.
<She's almost family; I have to help her if she's in
trouble.> he told himself.
He heard his sister clearly. Ko-chan being supportive and
understanding, as she always has been for him and now
others.
"Ichiro's been a father many times, Biki-chan, it won't be
new to him."
<Ichiro? Hibiki?>
"Oh, I feel the same way. It's incredible he manages to keep
his pants up at all."
<What the hells?>
"But you just have to deal with it as best you can. It's not
the end of the world - carrying a Hibiki baby seems to be
The Way around here."
<Hibiki *BABY*???>
"Not much of a father, but what can you expect? Just learn
to deal with it like I'm learning to. We're in the same
boat, Biki."
<Ko-chan, too???>
"Meanwhile, Ono has been wanting some blood samples, so if
you contribute some, maybe we can find out if - "
Ranma didn't stay long to hear the rest of his sister's
sentence. He grabbed Ryoga's umbrella from the side of the
desk.
"Hey, Hibiki!" he said. "Where's your old man?"
Jiro answered, "Pop? He's been hanging around the Tendo
place lately. Why -?"
Ranma went past him and ran out in the rain, heading toward
the Tendo Dojo.
"Where Ranma run to?" Shampoo asked the doctor.
"I've no idea."
"Niichan ran off?" Ranko asked, poking her head out of the
door.
"Yeah," Jiro replied. "He asked where my dad was, and ran
out."
"Oh, hells, I *knew* someone was listening at the door!" She
dashed out, grabbing a spare umbrella from her desk drawer.
"He knows Ichiro is our father!"
Jiro facefaulted, unable to say anything but "FEM-BOY
IS MY BROTHER, TOO?!?!?!"
Ranko had already opened the umbrella and ran out, yelling
for her brother.
Shampoo blinked for several moments, taking in the short
announcement. Nabiki appeared behind her.
"Ranma is Airen's brother, too? How?"
Ryoga stepped into the room, Akane behind him. "What's going
on?
Nabiki grinned, holding out her hand. Nobody could accuse
her of over-reacting to the news of being a Hibiki now.
"Five thousand yen."
"HEY!"
"Each."
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranma neared the Tendo home, still mightily ticked off.
<How dare that bastard?!? Nabiki *and* Ranko??? Does
treating women like crap run in their family or something??
Well, he's going to regret hurting either of them!>
Ranko was closing on him, calling out his name, when a white
duck slammed into her face, followed by a homicidal pig-
breeder and a panda.
As Ranko changed to a male under the pile-up, Ranma arrived
at the front door.
Kasumi opened the door just before Ranma touched the knob.
"Why hello, Ranma-kun. Is Akane with you?"
"Uh - she'll catch up. Is Ichiro Hibiki around?"
"Yes - he and Auntie Nodoka are enjoying some tea in the
dining room. Why don't -"
Ranma stormed past, his battle-aura flaring.
"Ranma!" Nodoka cried in her joy, running up to embrace her
son.
Ranma allowed her a brief hug. "Sorry, Mom, but there's
something I have to do."
He turned on the older man. "ICHIRO HIBIKI!!" he called out
in rage. "I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT!"
Nodoka gasped. Ichiro looked downcast.
"I'd hoped you would take it better."
"AND EXACTLY HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO 'TAKE' IT?!?"
"Well," Ichiro said, "Ranko-chan did say you might be upset
-"
"I left 'upset' down the block! I want your HEAD!!"
"RANMA!" Nodoka shouted. "I'm as much to blame as anyone!"
Ranma turned to his mother, his eyes wide. "WHAT??"
"I could have refused!" she explained. "But I was so
*lonely* and Ichiro was so *sweet* and -"
Ranma turned back to Ichiro. "YOU SLEPT WITH MY MOTHER,
TOO?!?"
Ichiro blinked. "How else does a woman get pregnant?"
Ranma stood still for a few seconds, blankly staring ahead.
Then he roared ...
"DIE!!"
* * * * * * * * * *
After collecting her extortion ... er, compensation ... and
telling the sordid tale of Ichiro and Nodoka to those
assembled, silence reigned.
Jiro shook his head. "Dammit, does that man have *no* self-
control?"
Wheels turned in Shampoo's mind. <Ranma, Ranko, Monster-Boy,
Ryoga ... possibly the most powerful martial artists of our
generation ... all with the same father? If blood will tell,
than our offspring - possibly trained by their Uncle Ranma
... Our kids could rule the world!> Visions of her offspring
overthrowing the People's Government danced in her head.
Ryoga looked as depressed as he did without his medication.
<All this time, I was trying to kill my *brother*??>
"I've got to go stop him!" Ryoga burst out. "Before he does
something he'll regret!"
"No you don't, pig-boy," Jiro said forcefully. "*I'm* the
oldest, I'll go. besides, it's still raining. Your other
form is helpless in a fight." He grabbed up an umbrella and
headed out.
Tofu shook his head. "Jiro, you idiot! You've got a mild
concussion!"
Akane dashed out after him. He knew that if Ranma hurt
someone in a rage - biological father or not - he'd never
forgive himself.
"Oh bloody hell," Nabiki muttered, and ran out.
Ryoga put an arm around Shampoo's waist. "You think they'll
be alright?"
"{We'll just have to hope, Ryoga. There are no more
umbrellas, so we can just wait.}"
"{Ranma's my brother??}" Ryoga said, switching to Cantonese.
"{I can't believe it.}"
"{I can. You look an awful lot alike.}"
Ryoga felt mildly offended by that.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranko-kun finally got tired of the idiots dogpiled on top of
him and slammed his fist up, sending them into the rainswept
sky.
Just as he got to his feet, a massive explosion erupted from
the Tendo house.
"Oh crap! RANMA!!"
He ran down the street, breaking through the door of the
Tendo home and dashed into the dining room. He found Ranma
preparing another ki-blast toward Ichiro Hibiki, who was
crawling out from under the broken porch. Nodoka was rushing
out toward Ichiro, screaming for Ranma to stop.
"RANMA SAOTOME!" Ranko-kun intoned. "CUT THAT CRAP OUT!"
He leapt between his brother and their parents, the girl's
uniform entirely too small on his body.
"Both have the curses?" Nodoka breathed.
"Out of the way, Ko-chan!" Ranma roared. "I'm going to kill
that bastard for hurting you and Nabiki!"
"You'll have to go through me first, Niichan! It's not
anyone's fault he's our father! Genma was gone all the time
and our mother got lonely!"
Complete silence held court over the Saotome siblings and
their parents. Ranma dropped his hands, staring at Ranko-
kun, his mother, and the man his sister had just called
'father'.
Nodoka bit her lip, placing her hand over her mouth. <My
daughter called me 'mother' ... my daughter called me
'mother'!>
Ranko-kun lowered his own hands from the prepared ki-blast
and stood straight.
"Ryoga's and Jiro's dad is ... *our* father, too?"
"Who's Jiro? Another son?" Ichiro asked.
"No," Ranko-kun said. "That's pantyhose's new name. Jiro
Hibiki."
He nodded, smiling. "That was the name I wanted to give him
- my own father's name."
Ranma looked from his mother, to Ichiro, to Ranko-kun, then
to his own Akane, and, just coming from the clinic, Jiro
under his umbrella, and Nabiki right behind.
"Wait a minute. You *didn't* get Ko-chan or Nabiki
pregnant?"
"Where on the Gods' green Earth did you get *that* idea,
Niichan?" Ranko-kun asked, giggling.
"You and Nabiki were talking and - "
"And you assumed - bwahahahaha!" His currently-male sister
doubled over in laughter and added, "Niichan, we were
talking about Ichiro being our father!"
"What???" Akane asked. "Oneechan ... is *your* sister?!?"
Nabiki blushed, replying, "Ichiro might be ... my father."
Akane gazed in wide-eyed shock. "Our mother ... and Hibiki-
otousan?"
Jiro shook his head, beginning to feel dizzy. "Sounds like a
flippin' soap opera!" <Nabiki?? Does that mean - that time
in the love motel - ??>
"It does, though, dear," Kasumi answered, a kettle of hot
water in hand and giving it to Ranko-kun.
Jiro turned, smiling, and picked her up in his arms, kissing
her cheek. "A sign really did hit me - " He paused, placing
her back on her feet and his face sobered. " - and I really
feel it again ... "
Jiro's eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell over
Kasumi.
"We've got to get him back to the clinic!" Akane called.
"Ko-chan, you have some explaining to do." She looked over
at Kasumi. <And so do you. He was being awful familiar with
you, oneechan.>
Ranma and Akane picked up Jiro, as Nabiki looked for a tarp.
"I know," Ranko sighed, turning to her family. "Mother,
Ichiro-otosan, Ranma ... we all have to talk."