I've been following this one for a while... sorry I haven't commented
before now.
All comments strictly my opinion, and offered in good spirit.
On Sat, 18 Dec 1999, Jack Staik wrote:
"Taidama!" Ranma called out as he came in.
"Tadaima!"
As Ranma headed for the stairs, Kasumi called out, "And
remember to keep the door open! We wouldn't want you two to
be tempted!"
"Kasumi!" Ranma answered, shocked. "I wasn't even *thinking*
that!"
Kasumi smiled, knowing that he *would* be thinking it, now
that she suggested it.
{heh. This nicely walks the line between oblivious-Kasumi and
covert-manipulator-Kasumi, I think.}
<A little nudge here, a hint there ... and there will be a
new Mistress of the House ...>
A pleasant daydream ran through Kasumi's mind ...
<BACKGROUND: traditional Shinto wedding, with Nabiki and
Ranma as the bride and groom.>
<FOREGROUND: KASUMI boarding a train, baggage in hand. The
train had a sign on it reading 'Destination - Anywhere But
Here'.>
<KASUMI: So long, suckers!>
<The train pulls away as NABIKI is shackled to the house.>
{heheheh!}
Ranma hesitantly sat on the edge of the bed. Nabiki smiled
to herself; his shyness was endearing, in it's way.
in its way.
"Kodachi Kuno - younger sister of Tatewaki Kuno, student at
St Hebreke Girls' School - a private school; all the
St. Hebereke {here and elsewhere}
students are from rich families and were kicked out of other
schools for disciplinary problems.
{Hey, that's an intriguing notion.}
"'Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics'?" he said curiously.
"A new Art, just a few years old. Mostly an artistic and
competition form. I've got a few books on it."
{Plausible, considering that Akane had a Combat Cheerleading magazine in
the Mariko story... I sometimes forget how pervasive and institutionalized
martial arts are in the Ranmaverse.}
For the first time, Ranma *was* tempted. It would be so easy
... just lean forward and ...
{Suggest reformatting this so that the ellipsis ends the previous
line rather than beginning the next line.}
"uh - I better go," he said nervously, jumping up and almost
"Uh - I
running out of the room.
The thought of Ranma wanting her warmed her oddly; not the
warmth of acquisition or triumph, but ... deeper, warmer.
Nabiki put it out of her mind. It made her feel something
that she didn't want to think about.
{Not sure why she doesn't want to think about it, except perhaps she'll
have more control over her husband if he loves her and she doesn't love
him... which is pretty cold even for Nabiki.}
(Later that day ...)
Ranma approached the dojo, where Akane was (supposedly)
doing some relaxing Tai Chi katas, allowing her duelling
injuries to heal.
{You could integrate the time cue into the narration so easily that it
astonishes me that you don't do it. :) See:}
Later that day, Ranma approached the dojo where Akane was (supposedly)
doing some relaxing Tai Chi katas, allowing her duelling injuries to heal.
He saw some strange figures as he entered the dojo -
{suggest} dojo:
bandaged figures, clustered around Akane..
{Is that supposed to be . or ... ? }
Akane smiled at her sensei. "This is the Furinken High
Furinkan {here and elsewhere}
School Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics Squad. They're
scheduled to have a match with St Hebreke next week -"
"Then you know what she's like!" one of them said. "All our
training equipment was infested with *termites*!"
{boggle!}
Another girl piped up; "She dumped weird chemicals in our
leotards! We got rashes all over our bodies!"
{double boggle! Excellent dirty tricks. :) }
"And poor Akiko - our team captain - got beaten up in her
own *bed*!" the third one wailed.
{Now that one's almost mundane by comparison, but since it's what almost
happened to Akane in the manga, I can't complain. :) }
"Forget it, teishi," Ranma said forcefully. "You have
fifteen stitches in your thigh, remember? How are you
supposed to train for a competition?"
"I can do it," she said.
{suggest} she insisted.
"Ha!"
One of the girls acted worried. "But where else are we
supposed to find a martial artist with gymnastics training
who looks good in a leotard??"
{Cue ominous chord. :) }
"Easily," he answered. "But it's not 'her' fight. 'She's'
not an official Furinken student, and this is not a matter
of the Dojo's honor. 'She' has no stake in it." He leaned
close to her. "Are you tryin' to embarass me??" he hissed.
embarrass {here and elsewhere}
"Yes!" she whispered sweetly. "Is it working?"
{hehe!}
"Hey!" One of the other girls asked. "Isn't Ranko the girl
"Hey!" one {and suggest} exclaimed {rather than} asked
who's dating Akane -"
"Y'know, Ranko might do it anyway," he said. "I'll go get
her and you girls can ask her yourself."
{suggest} her, and
"Oh yes!" she answered. "And I'm Akane-chan's widdle
snuggle-bear!"
"NO! NO! ALL LIES!!" Akane protested.
"That's not what you said last night," Ranko cooed.
The girls all blushed bright enough to be seen through their
bandages.
"AAAAAAAA!!!" Akane screamed, her hair standing on end.
{Payback is so sweet. :) }
"Oh!" Ranko said cutely, putting down Akane and turning to
the gymnastics team. "Ranma-oniichan says you need me to
help your team!" She gazed at them with an expression
containing enough kawaii to kill small life-forms. "I'd
{suggest} enough concentrated kawaii
*loooove* to help all of you out in your locker rooms and in
your cute tight leotards and giving hot oil rubdowns -"
{ O_o }
"*This* is the lesson," Ranma-onna said calmly. "You sought
to embarass me - and I embarassed you more. You use a weapon
or technique, and that encourages your opponent to use a
more powerful version."
{ Oh, very good. }
Akane's battle-aura damped down. "But that didn't have to do
with training -"
"Yes, it did. *Everything* is training."
{ One of Ranma's favorite notions, I agree. :) }
Akane sat on the dojo floor and fumed. How *dare* that -
that *sensei*!! - lecture her like that?? Not to mention
embarassing her in that stupid dress -
Akane's head jerked up. "HEY!! THAT WAS MY DRESS!!"
{hehehehe!}
(A bit later ...)
{Again, this time cue would read more smoothly if it were embedded into
the narration.}
Nabiki brought some drinks out to the dojo - her sister and
boyfriend might be thirsty (odd how comfortable she'd gotten
with that thought ... 'boyfriend').
The two of them were squatting on the floor of the dojo,
their attention focused on a chalk circle drawn on the
floor. Various colored glass beads were scattered around in
{suggest} Variously-colored {or perhaps} Many colorful
the circle.
"Martial Arts Marbles," Ranma said.
Recognition hit Nabiki. "Isn't this a gaijin children's
game?"
{ While I know racial and cultural bigotry is alive and well in real-world
Japan, as in most places, there doesn't seem to be a trace of it in Ranma
1/2. If you're trying for original-flavor, I suggest you use a more
neutral term, like "foreign". }
"European, but it was perfected in America and Canada. Why?"
Ranma said.
{ Note that games involving rolling small round objects appear to have
originated in prehistory, all over the globe. Romans played marbles.
So did (do) the Chinese... the Euro-American contribution appears to have
been a certain set of rules and a process for cheaply manufacturing glass
marbles. }
"Ranma's added elements from the Zen forms of Kyudo to it,"
Akane said enthusiastically. "It's a martial arts form in
it's own right now. And I'm pretty good now.
its own
"Hmph," said Ranma.
"And what's *that* supposed to mean?" Akane snapped.
"Loosely translated, it means, 'You're good when I say
means 'you're {or} means: 'You're
you're good, and not before.'"
{ :) }
"Oh yeah??"
{suggest} "Oh, yeah??"
"Yup."
Akane grabbed a marble in her hand and flicked it at Ranma.
"STEEL-EYE ASSAULT!!"
Ranma caught it, then flicked it back.
The projectile whizzed past Akane's ear. "Ha! You missed!"
Kasumi jumped in shock as a loud POW sounded, a dent
appearing in the front of the refrigerator.
{ ^_^; uh... I have a bad feeling about this. }
Akane readied another attack when she felt a sudden blow to
{suggest} Akane was readying another attack
the back of her knee. Before she realized it, she was on her
back, her handful of marbles clattering across the floor.
Her spies - er, friends - had told her of the Furinken team
{ - er, minions - :) }
resorting to asking the martial artist Akane Tendo (whose
visage was plastered all over her imbecillic sibling's room)
imbecilic
to compete for them. She also learned that the uncouth boy
She had also learned
with the sculpted pectorals and ocean-blue eyes was her
sensei.
As soon as the lights went out, she could kill two birds
{or perhaps} she would kill
with one stone.
-------------------
Next time: Akane's Rhythmic Gymnastics Training! Kodachi
meets Ranko! And Kuno Gets Romantic!
Aiyaaa. :)
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
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