Interesting. Kept me reading. Technically good writing.
Not too much of a plot.
Agreed.
FROM THE JOURNAL OF TENCHI MASAKI
Journal entry: 456725-B
Introducing your story like this seems not to have served any
particular point; you might want to think about just taking
this out.
Actually, this style can work, and it does explain the tendency to break the
flow of time later on in the narrative. Journals often are not written in
sequential order, but in order of importance of events.
Here I am trying to write about my life as a future
Jurian king again. I can't believe the Royal Jurian Archive
Council has asked me to keep a journal of my life. I still
say I'm too young for this, but I guess it helps me keep
things in perspective. I write about my experiences and I
have time to think about them and hopefully learn about what
I really am.
Again, you don't really need the 'Archive' stuff; just have
Tenchi keep a diary. Or, just have him narrate without
explanation.
As above, but this is a slow opening.
<snip>
than what I have to deal with when its Ayeka's and Ryoko's time
of the month.
Promising start... Can you get to this point faster?
Again.
reminded me how much I love living at grandpa's farm.
"Grandpa's farm" seems an odd characterization. I don't
remember any evidence that any farming was done prior to
Ryou-ou-ki's appearance.
Actually, there is OAV evidence ... Tenchi comments several times on 'having
to replace all of the crops with carrots' after the appearance of Ryo-Ohki
(all ... don't bite my head off over the romanization of the name ... I know
very well how technically incorrect the spelling is ... but all
romanizations are equally incorrect, and I find it simplest to go with the
one that produces the most similar sound). I don't know enough about
Japanese society to comment on the accuracy of there being significant crops
raise at a shrine, but even so, there is evidence that some were. Still, it
is *not* a farm.
<snip>
"What are you doing with my Lord Tenchi!" Ayeka
demanded. My life flashed before me again. Another fight
was going to happen and Ayeka was blocking the door. I just
had to hope that I wouldn't get too wounded. Both girls
stared at each other. I could feel their powers charging up.
TV continuity behavior.
Agreed.
"Please, Lord Tenchi, I must know. I need to ask you
something important," Ayeka looked up at me with pleading eyes.
BTW, I've never cared for Pioneer's translation of 'Tenchi-sama'
as 'Lord Tenchi'.
Ahhh ... discussions of translation again. While 'Lord Tenchi' is
technically to formal to translate meaning correctly in the English (AKA, in
non-formal situations, such honorifics are never used in English), the same
can be said about almost all honorifics ... to translate them at all, on
must either accept the mistranslationg of meaning, and drop the formality,
or not translate the honorific at all.
Personally, I dislike the option of not translating ... even though I'm sure
everyone here knows the difference between Tenchi-sama, Tenchi-san, and
Tenchi-chan, when you get into the longer honorifics, such as
Tenchi-oniichan(sp?) etc., the writing looks more like Japanese than it does
English ... and in that case, what's the point of translating at all.
I was in the onsen when I suddenly realized what was
going on. Both Ryoko and Ayeka were going through their
"time of the month." How could I have been so stupid? I'm
not as na�ve as everybody would like to think. I know a few
things about the facts of life. I may not understand them,
but I know a few things. Living with these girls for the
last few years has taught me a thing or two about women.
This is a repeat from very early on in your narrative.
Agreed.
action! I had to go to the one person who can help me,
Washu! She would help me.
<clip>
Unfortunately, there was a sign on her door saying she will
be unavailable for a few days because of some experiment. I
stood there cursing my luck.
I'd suggest some transitional indication that Tenchi got up
out of the onsen and went to look at Washuu's door at this point.
I sat in the onsen for a while.
Okay, maybe he didn't. Is the "there was a sign on her door"
narrated out of order?
See above. This is one of the licenses that can be taken in journal format.
Unfortunately, this is also one of the drawbacks of journal format, in that
doing so elminates foreshadowing, and almost totally erases plot ...
something which this ff has alot of trouble with. The format can be done
well, especially for short fics, but this needs to be watched for.
"Oh it's good you here," Sasami said, "Ryoko and Ayeka
decided to wait and eat when you came from your bath." This
was wonderful. I could barely hide my expression of doom.
Now, this reads like Sasami walked into the onsen looking
for Tenchi. But further down, without transition, the two of
them appear to be in the dining room.
Again.
She seems too young to know about such things.
<clip>
"Ayeka tells me that her friend is visiting, but I
never see anybody. She usually says your name a lot and eats
a lot of chocolates. Even in her sleep, she says your name
and it sound like she's dreaming of wrestling you or
something," Sasami said.
I just stood there speechless. As Kami-sama is my
witness, my legs were going numb and I felt my nose about to
spurt blood.
I'd have thought girls of Sasami's age with older sisters
would have a very good theoretical knowledge. Is Tenchi just
being naive? If so, I'd suspect this as one of Sasami's
practical jokes, a pretty good one.
Hehehe ... finally some humor! :)
"Lord Tenchi ran away to save his own life for a
horrible monster named Ryoko!" shouted Ayeka. She pinched
Ryoko's hands off me.
"You haven't seen yourself in the mirror have you,
little princess," replied Ryoko. I could feel both of them
charging up their powers. They were going to fight again and
I was once again trapped in the middle.
Again, TV continuity behavior.
nice on you," I said. I pulled open the package and showed
her a nice gold necklace. It was plain with a purple gem on
it. It cost me a bit, since I had to buy five necklaces.
Good thing I had some saved up money.
That's one hell of a lot of money for a carrot farmer to have
saved up.
Perhaps ... but then again, questions of financial dearth are only brought
about in the tv continuity; in the OAV's, the Masaki's apparently have no
trouble whatsoever rebuilding the house after Mihoshi destroys it, and as
this is nominally in that continuity, it can be assumed that Tenchi has
moderate funds as well.
<snip>
"Tenchi!" screamed a voice. Ayeka and me both turned our
heads. It was Sasami smiling.
This doesn't seem like Sasami, to interrupt a romantic
moment between Aeka and Tenchi.
Actually, if one follows the view of 'Sasami the manipulator', she does work
actively, in both the OAV's and TV, to keep Aeka and Ryoko from gaining
advantage with Tenchi. Case in point, OAV 7.
<snip>
I could feel Ayeka getting a tinge of jealousy.
Of Tenchi giving a necklace to Sasami? Seems OOC to me;
how about "Ayeka smiled indulgently as she watched"?
Agreed.
Sasami went it to make dinner and Ayeka and I relaxed
watching TV. She still put her hand on my thigh. I wish
somebody would tell me how to handle these situations.
"You put your arms around her and kiss her, Tenchi."
LoL. Good advice. Maybe you should write an SI fic. Of course, it'd last
all of one episode, if Tenchi ever figured that one out.
There in front of me, stood Mihoshi wearing a silk silk Kimono.
"Evening Tenchi," she said in a low voice. Something was
wrong here.
"Who are you, and what have you done with the real Mihoshi?"
She loosened her Kimono. I caught a glimpse of Mihoshi's
full exposed chest.
<clip>
"I want you Tenchi. You're my destiny," she said.
_VERY_ OOC for Mihoshi.
I think that was the intent here. We never see Mihoshi (or any of the
others) during their 'time of the month' in the series. Even so, I don't
think Mihoshi's change would be THAT significant ... not to mention that she
actually appears to have two brain-cells function in conjuction in that
section. Mihoshi DEFINITELY does not have the brains to do anything
seductive.
Other than Mihoshi's behavior at the end (which is OOC for her
in any continuity), this could just as easily have been
TV continuity, maybe even Shin Tenchi. In fact, it probably
would have worked better that way.
About all the plot has done is exposed Tenchi to kisses
and hugs. I recommend you enhance it a bit: you can make
all this the subplot to some screwball chase of a Washuu
experiment or weird alien Mihoshi failed to arrest in space;
or advance the relationships somehow (anyhow).
My only comment on the plot is that it contains too little humor. Even
though it was narrated by Tenchi, who would probably be the least likely to
find anything about his situation humorous, any Tenchi plot would still
contain enough humor to get noticed. Unless its your intent to write a dark
Tenchi fic, it should remain very light and humorous ... otherwise, it's not
very true to the story. Besides, if you stay strictly 'in-character', its
almost IMPOSSIBLE to not create such situations ... the characters are just
built for it.
The city settings could use more description, and even at
the Masaki's house, you might want to make sure you know
exactly where each scene occurs.
Aeka and Ryouko's behavior is straight from TV, though you
do a good job with their speech patterns. Sasami doesn't do
much and Washuu is absent. I'd recommend trying to breath
more life into Sasami, Washuu, or Mihoshi.
In TV, Aeka and Ryouko are evenly matched and fight, apparently
all-out, all the time. When you use OAV continuity, you
_can't_ have this happen, because they're not evenly
matched. In OAV, Ryouko is far more powerful. Good OAV
characterizations of Aeka and Ryouko depend on snide, cutting
dialog and mild physical aggression (elbows, throwing things).
On that, I agree entirely.
Hope this helps.
The same.