Interesting. Kept me reading. Technically good writing.
Not too much of a plot.
C & C are always welcomed.
I'll take you at your word on this...
FROM THE JOURNAL OF TENCHI MASAKI
Journal entry: 456725-B
Introducing your story like this seems not to have served any
particular point; you might want to think about just taking
this out.
Here I am trying to write about my life as a future
Jurian king again. I can't believe the Royal Jurian Archive
Council has asked me to keep a journal of my life. I still
say I'm too young for this, but I guess it helps me keep
things in perspective. I write about my experiences and I
have time to think about them and hopefully learn about what
I really am.
Again, you don't really need the 'Archive' stuff; just have
Tenchi keep a diary. Or, just have him narrate without
explanation.
think I am the luckiest guy in the world living with five
beautiful and exotic women. I guess I should say five women
and a little sister who is merging with a goddess.
I guess this means OAV continuity, but that should be "four
women and a little sister..."
than what I have to deal with when its Ayeka's and Ryoko's time
of the month.
Promising start... Can you get to this point faster?
reminded me how much I love living at grandpa's farm.
"Grandpa's farm" seems an odd characterization. I don't
remember any evidence that any farming was done prior to
Ryou-ou-ki's appearance.
I took a deep breath and let all my worries go. Suddenly,
a pair of arms stretched around my waist and felt two soft
bulges against my back. All my worries suddenly returned.
Heh.
"I knew this day would come, my Tenchi. Let's make
love all morning and forget about the rest of the universe!"
This sounds like Ryouko to me; good characterization.
"What are you doing with my Lord Tenchi!" Ayeka
demanded. My life flashed before me again. Another fight
was going to happen and Ayeka was blocking the door. I just
had to hope that I wouldn't get too wounded. Both girls
stared at each other. I could feel their powers charging up.
TV continuity behavior.
"Please, Lord Tenchi, I must know. I need to ask you
something important," Ayeka looked up at me with pleading eyes.
BTW, I've never cared for Pioneer's translation of 'Tenchi-sama'
as 'Lord Tenchi'.
I was in the onsen when I suddenly realized what was
going on. Both Ryoko and Ayeka were going through their
"time of the month." How could I have been so stupid? I'm
not as naïve as everybody would like to think. I know a few
things about the facts of life. I may not understand them,
but I know a few things. Living with these girls for the
last few years has taught me a thing or two about women.
This is a repeat from very early on in your narrative.
action! I had to go to the one person who can help me,
Washu! She would help me.
<clip>
Unfortunately, there was a sign on her door saying she will
be unavailable for a few days because of some experiment. I
stood there cursing my luck.
I'd suggest some transitional indication that Tenchi got up
out of the onsen and went to look at Washuu's door at this point.
I sat in the onsen for a while.
Okay, maybe he didn't. Is the "there was a sign on her door"
narrated out of order?
"Oh it's good you here," Sasami said, "Ryoko and Ayeka
decided to wait and eat when you came from your bath." This
was wonderful. I could barely hide my expression of doom.
Now, this reads like Sasami walked into the onsen looking
for Tenchi. But further down, without transition, the two of
them appear to be in the dining room.
She seems too young to know about such things.
<clip>
"Ayeka tells me that her friend is visiting, but I
never see anybody. She usually says your name a lot and eats
a lot of chocolates. Even in her sleep, she says your name
and it sound like she's dreaming of wrestling you or
something," Sasami said.
I just stood there speechless. As Kami-sama is my
witness, my legs were going numb and I felt my nose about to
spurt blood.
I'd have thought girls of Sasami's age with older sisters
would have a very good theoretical knowledge. Is Tenchi just
being naive? If so, I'd suspect this as one of Sasami's
practical jokes, a pretty good one.
"Lord Tenchi ran away to save his own life for a
horrible monster named Ryoko!" shouted Ayeka. She pinched
Ryoko's hands off me.
"You haven't seen yourself in the mirror have you,
little princess," replied Ryoko. I could feel both of them
charging up their powers. They were going to fight again and
I was once again trapped in the middle.
Again, TV continuity behavior.
nice on you," I said. I pulled open the package and showed
her a nice gold necklace. It was plain with a purple gem on
it. It cost me a bit, since I had to buy five necklaces.
Good thing I had some saved up money.
That's one hell of a lot of money for a carrot farmer to have
saved up.
Ayeka's eyes sparkled. "Oh, Tenchi, it is the most beautiful
necklace I have ever seen," she said.
This does sound like Aeka; you have her speech pattern down
pretty well.
"Miss Ayeka," I said. She put her finger on my lip. She
smiled and caressed my cheek. Ayeka has always been a more
polite and formal. This was too much for me. She removed
her finger and started moving closer to me. I stood there
frozen. Our lips gently touched. It wasn't as passionate as
Ryoko's, but there was something there. My heart started
beating so fast. Ayeka slowly moved her lips away. She
looked at me with a loving look. A warm feeling came over my
body as she held me in her harms. I suddenly became aware
that I had my arms around her and I could feel her warmth and
softness.
Pretty good evocation of romance here.
"Tenchi!" screamed a voice. Ayeka and me both turned our
heads. It was Sasami smiling.
This doesn't seem like Sasami, to interrupt a romantic
moment between Aeka and Tenchi.
she interrupted me. "Do you Ayeka had a fit and made us run
"Did you know Ayeka had..."
getting late and might as well head back to the chaos, which
is my life.
Don't need the comma. Actually don't need the phrase at all;
how about ending with "chaos"?
I could feel Ayeka getting a tinge of jealousy.
Of Tenchi giving a necklace to Sasami? Seems OOC to me;
how about "Ayeka smiled indulgently as she watched"?
Sasami went it to make dinner and Ayeka and I relaxed
watching TV. She still put her hand on my thigh. I wish
somebody would tell me how to handle these situations.
"You put your arms around her and kiss her, Tenchi."
There in front of me, stood Mihoshi wearing a silk silk Kimono.
"Evening Tenchi," she said in a low voice. Something was
wrong here.
"Who are you, and what have you done with the real Mihoshi?"
She loosened her Kimono. I caught a glimpse of Mihoshi's
full exposed chest.
<clip>
"I want you Tenchi. You're my destiny," she said.
_VERY_ OOC for Mihoshi.
Other than Mihoshi's behavior at the end (which is OOC for her
in any continuity), this could just as easily have been
TV continuity, maybe even Shin Tenchi. In fact, it probably
would have worked better that way.
About all the plot has done is exposed Tenchi to kisses
and hugs. I recommend you enhance it a bit: you can make
all this the subplot to some screwball chase of a Washuu
experiment or weird alien Mihoshi failed to arrest in space;
or advance the relationships somehow (anyhow).
The city settings could use more description, and even at
the Masaki's house, you might want to make sure you know
exactly where each scene occurs.
Aeka and Ryouko's behavior is straight from TV, though you
do a good job with their speech patterns. Sasami doesn't do
much and Washuu is absent. I'd recommend trying to breath
more life into Sasami, Washuu, or Mihoshi.
In TV, Aeka and Ryouko are evenly matched and fight, apparently
all-out, all the time. When you use OAV continuity, you
_can't_ have this happen, because they're not evenly
matched. In OAV, Ryouko is far more powerful. Good OAV
characterizations of Aeka and Ryouko depend on snide, cutting
dialog and mild physical aggression (elbows, throwing things).
Hope this helps.