On Wed, 15 Dec 1999, Allyn Yonge wrote:
Hi,
My comments##
Centaur is a sequel to The Taming of the Horse.
Centaur/Taming of the Horse webpage:
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
This chapter's for Allyn Yonge, writer of many wonderfully vivid
stories featuring Akane kicking butt. :)
##Obviously the author is a person of great perspicacity, taste and
discernment. There is little need to read further to know this is a great
piece of literature that should be in everyone's HD. ^_^
{Thank's for the compliment. <blush>}
You're welcome. I do not write in a vacuum; I try to be aware of the
influence of other writers on my hackery, and acknowledge it when I can.
Still not 100%, alas...
"Saotome Akane-san." Kogara-sensei pulled a test paper out
of the sheaf she carried and handed it to Akane. Akane glanced
at the red-circled number on the front, grimaced, and quickly
placed the paper face-down on her desk rather than paging through
it to see what she'd gotten wrong.
##^_^ I know that feeling.
I think everyone who's been to school does. :)
Personally I think it reads better w/o "grimaced". Her expression/feelings
are implied in the rest of the sentence. IMO "grimaced" disturbs the flow.
I put in visual cues because I see the story in my head as I write, as
manga panels. I suppose I can leave them out, since I already know
Akane's change of expression here... :)
"Woo-hoo! All that studying finally paid off!" she caroled,
dancing around Akane. "89! I finally did better than--" WHAM!
"--you. Ow."
##Cute. Perhaps a slightly different structure::
I finally did better than--"
WHAM!
"----Owwww."
{ I rather like the way Iteeee looks, but that's a minor point.)
I'd also leave off the "you", that's implied.
I find that formatting narration, dialogue, and onomatopoeia in-line makes
events seem to happen in quick succession, and formatting them in separate
paragraphs give them more emphasis; which I use depends on which I feel is
more important at the moment. :)
Japanese in English is tricky. I HAVE a small Japanese vocabulary, as I
suppose just about everyone subscribed to this ML does, and my temptation
is to use all of it... but this tends to upset the people whose vocabulary
doesn't overlap, and they complain. :) So I try to limit Japanese to
words that don't have good English translations, usually for cultural
reasons, and to words that everyone is likely to know (katana, kimono,
baka, etc.) It's a judgement call.
By the time Ranma had pried herself off the wall,
##Ummm, I'm missing chp. 3 which may explain why Ranma is "herself."
I'd probably not recall after a while at any rate. If you can't work it into
the story you might have a brief _what-has-gone-before_ to bring readers
back up
to speed. (OTOH it might not be that important to the story. ^_^ )
No, it is. This is the result of events that occurred in "Taming of the
Horse": Ranma is attending St. Hebereke's, and of course he's doing so as
a girl. Saying so won't take long, so I can put a paragraph in the
foreword to future chapters without excessive disruption.
Akane was
gone. Ranma ran after her, figuring that she was heading for the
usual place outside where they ate when weather permitted, but
when she arrived in the courtyard Akane was conspicuously absent.
##:( I don't like generic "usual place outside". People _think_ in
specifics. Ranma
has a picture in his head or , possibly, a name as well of the "usual
place". IMO it
works better in the narrative to name/describe the place.
It appeared and was described in chapter 2... sorry for cutting the
corner. :)
The grounds of St. Hebereke's
##NOW I remember why Ranma is "herself" ^_^
heh. :)
were extensive and well-
landscaped, but Ranma was swift and knew them well; she found
Akane after only a few minutes, sitting in a secluded spot by a
small fountain decorated with a stone faun. Had the school not
been a girls' school, it might have been a favored venue for
couples;
##And _this_ should make a difference??? ^_~
besides, girls form couples ( in a NON-sexual manner) quite frequently.
MUCH more often than boys.
Good point. I'll change it to "amorous couples". :)
"Dunno why you bother with that stuff." Ranma balanced on
his head on the wooden floor nearby with his arms and legs
folded. His upside-down expression was sour.
"I like it," Akane said firmly, standing up and assuming
chudan-no-kamae, the middle guard stance. "Ha!" She struck at
the air with the shinai and nodded in satisfaction. "And I'm
pretty good at it, too. You remember that time I had a kendo
match with Kuno and he didn't know who I was? I might have won
if you and Mariko hadn't interfered. Combat Cheerleading,
indeed."
"It's not Musabetsu Kakuto."
##Errr, Ranma does do weapons. At least in the Anime I recall him
doing staff-work. ^_^ Very good scene though.
In the manga he used nunchaku to deliberately bruise himself... :)
What Ranma is actually opposed to isn't weapons per se, but formal
training in rigid styles with items specifically crafted to be weapons,
particularly kendo, which from the point of view of Musabetsu Kakutou
would seem to be like a bike with nothing but training wheels... but he
expresses himself poorly. :) He's also annoyed that his student is
wasting her time with it, and this causes him to exaggerate.
"Maybe it's not Saotome-ryu, but it's definitely part of
Tendo-ryu. I've always done kendo, and kenjutsu, and kyudo.
Father taught me yari and naginata, too." Sword, bow, spear, and
polearm: all the old--
"Weapons." Ranma's voice was disgusted. "A true martial
artist doesn't need weapons."
##Ummmm, actually weapons are an extension of the art.
In Chinese styles you can't advance unless you master(I think) sixteen
weapons.
AND during challenges the challenger chooses so the defending master MUST
know different
weapons or he/she might lose because of unfamiliarity. Ranma would have to
be familiar with
weapons if only to defend against them. ^_^
Oh, yes. His bouts with Kuno show this, as does his use of, say, Kinjakan
and Gekkaja... but on the other hand, I don't think he's ever shown
practicing with or against weapons. MK Saotome-ryu seems to prefer
empty-hand and improvised weapons as a matter of principle.
In any case, this is intended to contrast with Akane, who evidently DOES
use and train with weapons, and so might be expected to be better than
Ranma in certain ways, and hence have something to teach him, which is the
point of the story. Take that away, and there's not much left. :)
Akane frowned at him. "You'd better not be saying I'm not a
true martial artist, Ranma. I don't NEED weapons, and you know
it. But it's good to be able to use them."
##^_^ There are a lot of stories about weapons masters who are so good that
they can
use the techniques empty-hand with the same effect as if they were armed.
I've heard of them, but I'm not familiar with them, so I didn't want to go
there... maybe later. :)
"Hey, I can use 'em!"
"No, you just fake it brilliantly. You'd use them better if
you practiced." Akane lit up suddenly. "I could teach you!"
Ranma snorted. "Forget it."
"Scissors stop shinai? Funny way to play janken," Nabiki
observed, sauntering into the dojo.
##Cute, very well done.
Thanks. :)
They'd
disposed of the unconscious youth, but kept his sword.
##Ummm, a killing offense if I'm not mistaken.
Kuno certainly seems to think so. :)
"Uh...." Ranma glanced at Kuno, then back at Akane. "Not
here, okay?" She addressed Kuno. "Uh, we need to, uh, confer
with our dark master. We'll be in touch.
##Our dark master will call your dark master and we'll do lunch. ^_^
hehehe!
Cute. But . . .Ranma thinking of something? Hmmm, there may be something
in this ‘dark master' stuff.
Yeah, I know. I thought of writing it with Akane bringing up the matter
of the missing katana, but this way was funnier.
"It was about yea long," Ranma said with great restraint,
gesturing with her hands. "It had a red scabbard, a bronze
tsuba, red cord, and white sharkskin. IT WAS THE ONLY GODDAMN
KATANA AT OUR WEDDING, YOU OLD FOOL!"
##^_^ (I don't recall, what about Nodoka?)
She doesn't carry it around any more. If I understand correctly, she was
only carrying it around in order to fulfill her duty as kaishaku in case
she ran into her husband and son; now that the seppuku pledge is no longer
an issue, she leaves it at home.
"A good wife knows to extract any odd sums her husband might
be holding out," Nodoka continued blithely. Ranma and Akane
renewed their glares at Genma. "But only when the needs of the
household require it, of course. Otherwise it's best to leave
them a little, dear." She patted Akane on the arm and smiled
confidentially. "In this case, I was able to retire some old
debts. Why, is there a problem?"
##Very nice.
Thanks. The economics of the Saotome household have come up before, and
will come up again...
"We won't be long," Akane assured him, looking around. A
spear on the wall caught her attention. "Um, about this
yari...."
"Not for sale," the pawnbroker said.
"Too bad. It's made in the old way, and it's seen some
fighting, but it sure doesn't look as old as it must be... and it
doesn't look like a fake, either."
The man straightened, regarding Akane with more respect.
"You have good eyes, Ojou-san. That's just about what the
appraiser said. My father bought that near the end of the war.
He told me not to sell it; said it was good luck."
##Nice. VERY nice.
Also a reference to one of my other stories, which no one has commented on
yet, so I'll drop the hint. :)
"Oh, God," Sato moaned. "Tendo Kasumi's sister and Saotome
Nodoka's daughter-in-law. 'Trouble' doesn't begin to cover it.
I'm going to hell for this, I just know it."
##LOL. VERY, VERY nice.
heh. And people think Nabiki is scary... :)
<SNIP> more very nice stuff. {I wish I could write like this. <sigh>}
*blush* You're very kind.
"He's blind, you baka!"
"I'm afraid Akane-san is correct," Kotaro said, holding out
a little red paper cloud complete with thunderbolt.
##VERY, VERY nice. I am impressed. You're weaving a lot of
information seamlessly into the dialouge.
Thanks. I try.
"So you have a dojo and everything?" Ranma said.
##I'd use "Ranma asked."
OK.
"Splendid. Here comes Masanori with the katana." Sure
enough, the shoji slid open a moment later, and the servant came
in carrying the sword. He knelt and presented it to Kotaro.
Kotaro set it on a stand, drew on thin cotton gloves, and picked
the sword up again. He slid it out of its scabbard and explored
it with his gloved fingers. "A fine weapon," he said finally,
returning it to its scabbard and handing it to Masanori. "Well,
shall we go?" He picked up his bokken and rose to his feet.
Akane and Ranma followed him out of the room with Masanori
bringing up the rear, carrying the katana.
##Nice scene. OTOH examination of katana is HIGHLY visual, so you
might want to elaborate on this scene a bit.(or change it) Gloves (or rice
paper) being necessary would also hinder his tactile ability.
Yes, that was meant to be a bit surreal... but no way would he touch it
with bare fingers. I'd think he'd focus more on the "feel" of the katana
in the hand and the shape of the blade.
Standing beside Masanori, Akane slapped herself on the
forehead. "Oh, great, the testosterone is flowing."
##LOL
Seemed to be an Akane thing to say, even though she has... um... an excess
of yang herself. :)
Kotaro smiled. "Wonderful! Shall I use shinai or bokken?
Steel is inappropriate between friends, I think...."
"Bokken. Shinai's a toy," Ranma said disdainfully.
##Bokken can also kill you. In fact wood has an advantage against steel. A
steel blade will stick in wood. ^_^
Sure, but as Akane points out later, there's a matter of intent.
Both Akane and Ranma very nearly facefaulted at that. "No,
I meant not fair to YOU!" Akane said to Kotaro. "I know, you can
wear a blindfold, Ranma!"
##LOL
And once again, Ranma is dragged willy-nilly down the slope of macho...
:)
"I'm impressed," Kotaro said admiringly as Akane ran back to
the wall. "This is very sporting of you, Ranma-san."
##And pretty darn stupid. ^_^
So, you're saying it's in-character for Ranma? :)
"Yeah. Akane, you should fight him; you might learn
something. Oops, forgot, that'd take testosterone-- ow! Heh."
##I'd stop with :: "----owww!"
Drop the "Heh."
I'll think about that, thanks.
Kotaro reached out slowly and touched Akane's face gently.
His fingers were not soft, Akane noticed, any more than hers
were, or Ranma's; they were hardened with smooth callus. His
touch was delicate, though, and surprisingly pleasant. *Oh, my.
I wish Ranma would touch me like this....* The fingers traced
over Akane's face and withdrew.
##Very nice.
*Vince sticks his tongue out in the general direction of KaraOhki* :)
Ranma taking her seriously, but stronger than ever before... and
the visceral knowledge that if Ranma really did take her
seriously, she would have all the chance of a rabbit cornered by
a tiger.
##Ummm, I'm not too sure about that. Akane usually makes the difference
between
Ranma winning and losing. (How many times has RANMA had to fight while
cursed as a doll or dehydrated to doll size. And don't forget the fight
against
the Orochi. ^_^) And often she can get past the guard of quite formidable
opponents.
I know, but in manga-canon (which I tried hard to base Taming and Centaur
on), there's no question that Akane's fighting skills are inferior to
Ranma's by a wide margin. She's definitely not bad -- better than a lot
of people give her credit for, I think -- but Ranma's way out in front.
Even the training she's gotten in Taming and Centaur hasn't changed that.
"HAAAA!" Tak-tak-tak-WHACK! "KOTE!" Akane followed
through and stopped, grinning inside her mask.
"Point!" Soun shouted. "Did you see that, Saotome-kun?"
"A cunning strike," Genma agreed.
##<boo, hiss> You didn't DESCRIBE the strike to the readers.
That's cheating. <sob> WE (or at least _I_) want to
know how it was done. ^_^
Sorry. :) I'm a fencer, but I'm not a kendoka; what I know about kendo,
I got from research. ALso, I've been criticized recently for writing too
many fight scenes, and the scars are still with me. :)
"BECAUSE I CAN'T!" Ranma roared. "You KNOW what I gave up
to get this good! If someone who didn't sacrifice the way I did
can be BETTER, then it was all for NOTHING!" Dead silence
answered him. His tortured glance raked over the shocked faces
of his small audience. He dropped the shinai and darted out the
open doors of the dojo into the spring sunshine.
##Ohhh, Ranma is a dead man. Ranma is a dead man. ^_^
No, just bruised in flesh and spirit. :)
(Can we see the scene where Akane roasts him over a slow fire while shoving
bamboo splinters into his eye-balls???)
Eeek. No, that's someone else's Akane. *_*
Actually I wanted to see Akane beat the c**p out of him one more time.
heh... no, enough is enough.
"If he could do that, he might not be our Ranma," Nodoka
said calmly. She looked out the open door of the dojo for a
moment, then back at Akane. "My son is very strong, but he is...
brittle. I had hoped that you could lend him resilience, and
perhaps in time teach it to him, but if you can't, you can't."
She sighed and turned away. "He's probably gone home-- to his
other home; if you won't go after him, I suppose I'll have to.
He needs one of us now."
##Dirty pool Nodoka-san. ^_^ (still would like to see Akane beat the
#$%^ out of Ranma. <sigh> oh well)
Hey, if you want to read it, YOU write it. That's what I do. :)
Genma held up a hand to stop his friend. "I have said
enough. In any case, Akane-kun isn't yet ready to challenge
Ranma, but if he thinks she is... well, let it stand that I am
pleased that Ranma has a student who can goad him, and that Akane-
kun has a sensei who can lure her. They will hone each other's
skills to great heights."
##Nice. Very nice. (So, when can we expect to see Akane pound Ranma???)
All right, already. :)
Denied a chance to get a word in edgewise, Ranma's ire
finally exploded. "You just want to take the match with 'Kotaro-
san' so you can LOSE!"
"What are you saying?" Akane whispered, chilled.
"You just want an EXCUSE to go 'spar' with the poor blind
guy, you and your case of hot-pants!" Ranma shouted, his face a
foot from Akane's.
##Oooops. Ranma is beyond dead now. ^_^
Well, he would be, except his wife is unusually sympathetic and quick to
get over her grudges... especially if given a chance to vent. :)
Akane went white. "What a VILE thing to say!" The mighty
slap she'd intended to punctuate her sentence with stopped short
of Ranma's cheek, caught and held in Ranma's fist. Neither of
them noticed.
"Yeah? You say 'vile' things like that about ME all the
time! You're always talkin' like I'm gonna screw Kodachi, or
Ukyo, or SOMEONE, any chance I get!"
##errrr, Ranma DOES end up in _compromising_ situations.
Naked in bath with Shampoo, in bed with Naked (or nearly so) Shampoo,
compromising pictures with Kodachi, embraced by Kodachi, etc, etc.
It _may_ be perfectly innocent. (OTOH he DID chase Shampoo all over Nermia
vowing to make her say "I love you.". And there was that little thing with
Tsubasa.
IMO Akane has a LOT of reason to be suspicious of Ranma's motives. I don't see
that Ranma has any reason to suspect Akane. (Except for his male ego.) IMO
this is the weakest part of the story to date.
Probably. Ranma's overreacting, there's no doubt about it. But Akane
overreacts too. The only way to break out of that is for both of them to
realize it.
They both blinked. "Uh...." That suddenly, fury
annihilated with anti-fury, producing a burst of enlightenment:
the unpleasant suspicion that they were a matching pair of
idiots.
##Cute. But I don't think anyone can match Ranma. (Except
Ryouga, or Kuno, or Mousse, or . . .)
I dunno, Akane's done some pretty silly things too...
"You would!" Akane burst out, cutting him off before he
could say something they'd both regret. "YOU would! And after
all the things you said to ME because I was jealous! Sure, it was
easy for YOU, you had girls chasing you everywhere you went! No
one was chasing ME!"
##Errrr . . .All of Furinken(sp???) High, Prince Toma (sp???) ^_^
I think Akane's view of the Furinkan Martial Arts Dating Club is not that
complimentary, and Toma is anime-only and so I ignore him. :) Besides,
Akane is prone to exaggeration when making a point.
I love YOU, you BAKA! GOT THAT?!"
"Yeah," Ranma said in a half-strangled tone. Akane looked
down and suddenly noticed that his feet were dangling clear of
the roof-tiles. She put him down with a thump.
##Hmmm, Akane's been reading about "tough love"
She darn near invented it. Or is that Nodoka? :)
"Sorry," she said, blushing. She put a hand on his arm and
looked up at him. "Ranma... you have no reason to be jealous of
anyone. Really."
"Seems to me I said that to you, once or twice," Ranma said
dryly, but he looked a lot less troubled.
##Errrr, Ranma's credibility is just a little suspect. (Recall, for instance,
sneaking into the girls locker room. He was telling the truth, but he also
resorted
to chicanery later on. ) I don't think Ranma is the lying scum some people
seem to
believe. OTOH he is just a little _obsessive_ seeming at times.
He gets carried away easily, I think because he doesn't have enough
imagination to foresee the consequences.
"I dunno, it's like you're some kinda sex maniac or
somethin'...."
##Ranma is a dead man. (Again. )
No, just bruised. :)
Akane frowned. "Ranma, you idiot. I am NOT a nymphomaniac.
##IMO she should be MUCH angrier at this point.
Well, maybe, but it's an issue that's come up before.
If you're going to be that way, when you want to get laid you're
going to have to--" She broke off; it had occurred to her just
in time that finishing the sentence with "beg for it" would
result in a lot of cold and lonely nights.
##Ummm, I'm not sure about this scene. It seems a little off for some reason.
Probably you have a different view of Akane than I do. Not uncommon.
"No, you haven't. Every time, it's me grabbing you and
dragging you to bed."
"Well-- I would, but you always beat me to it!"
Akane giggled suddenly, relieved. "O-o-oh. I see."
##???
She's relieved because her idea that Ranma doesn't make advances
because he's not really interested has turned out to be incorrect.
"And how do you think I feel that you never make a move on
me?" Akane finished. "I wish you would, sometimes."
##A little rough. This section does not seem nearly as well integrated at
the rest
of the story.
A lot of sudden changes of direction, I admit.
"Maybe you could just make advances when YOU'RE in the mood,
even knowing that I'll pound you flat if I don't feel like it,"
Akane said carefully. "Maybe I'd like to know that you think I'm
worth the risk."
##<ewwww> OK, NOW I feel sorry for Ranma. ^_^
OTOH research shows that a near-death experience can have a positive
effect on the libido.
Not near-death. The fact that Ranma still loves Akane despite all the
clobbering indicates that he really doesn't mind it that much. Applying
normal standards of "abuse" to someone as durable as Ranma just doesn't
work.
His hands blurred and suddenly Akane was naked; her kendogi
and underwear fell in a pile on the other side of the room.
Ranma tossed her into the air and caught her, and just that
quickly his clothes were gone too. He pivoted, closing the
window with her big toe, then knelt and laid her gently on the
futon.
##Errrr, gives "quickie" a whole new meaning.
Just skipping the inconveniences. After that they can take their time.
:)
Akane giggled. "I'll keep that in mind." The issues they
hadn't quite settled yet began to niggle at her, though, and she
chose one. "Ranma... why do you let me hit you?"
##Ummm, IMO fanfic cliche. Akane hits a LOT of people who would
NOT _let_ her hit them. Disregarding the fact that Ranma is a comedy
my theory has always been that she's better when she reacts w/o thinking.
That's part of it, as Ranma says much later. But there are clearly
incidents where Akane hits him and shouldn't be able to, as can be seen by
the times she tries and CAN'T hit him.
"And you're welcome to visit the Tendo Dojo," Soun offered.
"Why not, everyone else is," Ranma said dryly.
##Ummm, this sounds more like Nabiki or perhaps Soun.
Hmm... maybe if I reverse Soun's and Ranma's lines? I'll think about it.
"No, you did good. You've done it before, in tight spots
when you didn't have time to think, but now you can do it when
your butt isn't on the line. I don't want to talk about this too
much 'cause it'd mess you up again, but now you're gonna have a
different problem. You're gonna have to decide how not to defeat
your opponents so badly they'll lose interest."
##??? Ummm, if they sparing, you don't want to hurt them. Otherwise
in actual combat you want them stopped.
The line between "sparring" and "combat" in R1/2 seems blurry sometimes.
In the manga, Akane doesn't spar much; when she gets involved, it's almost
always combat. Usually, though, it's not lethal combat, Ryugenzawa and
Jusendo being striking exceptions.
One of the themes of Centaur is Akane becoming integrated into Ranma's
fight-for-fun lifestyle, and taking things less seriously than she had
been forced to up to this point.
"Dunno." Ranma chewed on his lower lip for a moment. "I
kinda miss the Joketsuzoku, now that they're gone. I miss Ryoga.
I was even glad to see Pantyhose-Taro again. I was thinking
about making Kuno promise to leave us alone if he lost, but I
don't really want that. I doubt he would leave us alone even if
he DID promise. He's a pain in the ass, but he's OUR pain in the
ass."
##Ummmm, OK. I suppose if no one will play with them anymore. ^_^
Yup. Too many of Ranma's recurring manga adversaries are gone, as he
says.
"I suppose, but I really don't like the way he keeps waving
a katana around."
Ranma shrugged. "It's not really that much more dangerous
than a bokken. Hell, he cuts down TREES with a bokken. Mousse
kept slinging sharp stuff at me, and I didn't hold it against
him. Ukyo, too."
"Ukyo's spatula is different. You can hit with the flat of
it, and she usually does.
##It's still metal. Try hitting an apple or coconut with a frying pan.
HARD. ^_^
Yeah, but Ranma's head is harder. :)
But a katana is all about wounding and
killing. It's the principle of the thing."
##Ummmm, there are quite a few martial artist that would
argue that. Also, Musashi Miyamoto, perhaps Japan's or the world's
greatest swordsman, won many of his battles with a wooden sword.
In fact he smashed the head of one opponent with a wooden sword he
carved from a oar on the way to the duel. A bokken is a deadly weapon, in
some ways more dangerous than steel. One of the advantaged of wood is that
your opponents steel sword will stick in the wood, giving you a momentary
advantage
over your opponent.
True, and I've read the book and seen the movies (out on DVD now!). But
in the Ranma manga, there seems to be a line drawn between the seriousness
of a katana and a bokken (Ranma's a lot more frightened of Nodoka's steel
than Tatewaki's wood, for example). Kuno's bringing a katana to the
wedding in v38 has to mean something, or why would Takahashi draw it that
way? It's not consistent, mind you, but it's there.
The fair Tendo Akane also wore kimono for the occasion.
Tatewaki's eyes narrowed as he noticed that the cut of her
sleeves and the placement of her obi and cord were more
appropriate for a young wife than the innocent girl he knew her
to be. Clearly she was suffering from some delusion.
##Good.
Thank C. L. Morgan for that; her comments on aspects of chapter 3 were
very enlightening.
This unfroze Kuno, and he laughed. "Nay, surely thou art
jesting! How can a sightless man serve as a witness? It flies
in the face of all good sense."
##In which case Kuno's probably got enough frequent flyer miles
to go to Mars.
hehehe! Yeah, something like that.
"Well, as I recall it, it was Akane and I who clobbered you
and took the katana away," the pigtailed girl drawled. "You sure
you wouldn't rather fight us again for it?"
##Ummm, I can't quite see Ranma drawling. And this seems a little
to grammatical for Ranma. ^_^ (but I suppose he's changed a bit now
that he's married)
Nodoka's influence, and Akane's, and the improved environment of St.
Hebereke's, all contribute to that. But I'll consider a better verb.
"Kuno-kun." Kuno turned to see that Akane had approached
him. She stared up at him with eyes grim beyond her years.
"Kuno-kun, you can play with bokken
##Ummm, I know they play with it in Ranma Anime/Manga but, really,
bokken is a deadly weapon.
Sure. As Ranma says, Kuno chops down trees with it. But there's still a
difference in seriousness; Akane doesn't mind Kuno attacking Ranma, but
she finds genuine intent-to-kill... annoying.
all you like, but I warn you
not to use steel, now or in the future. If you wound him, I will
wound you. If you kill him, I promise that I will kill you...
slowly."
##Nice meter. Generally there's not much wounding involved in a duel
with katana. Usually begins and ends with one stroke. IF Kuno used steel
and IF Ranma were unlucky he'd probably end up dead or missing an arm
or leg. (Bokken's a little better. He'll probably survive unless Kuno hits
head or spine) IMO Akane would be more likely to::
" . . .if you use steel, now or in the future, I'll kill you."
OR
" . . .if you use steel, now or in the future, I'll hurt you so
badly your grand children will be born crippled."
heh. I'll think about those, thanks.
Nodoka let out a breath. "I do hope you're right, dear.
Oh, if only you were with child...." It took all of Akane's self-
control to prevent a facefault.
##<eeeeep> Please don't use "facefault". Especially in a story as well
written as this one.
Aw, c'mon, just one? :)
"Oi! Over here!" he called, beckoning. Another bush met a
premature end, and another, and another, as Ranma led Kuno in a
wholesale slaughter of the landscaping. Then Ranma sailed over
Kuno in an elegant layout flip and scampered back towards the
audience.
##Oooops. Bad move. Once in the air he can't change direction
or use his full force in an attack. Worst of all, if Kuno were to raise
his blade, Ranma might just end up eviscerating himself.
Yeah, he's showing his contempt for Kuno. But he can easily leap high
enough to clear Kuno's reach.
##Overall:: VERY, VERY good. Some rough spots, in comparison
with the rest of the story. A few technical errors. (Some of which are
debatable) All in all a superior read.
Thanks, glad you liked it. And thanks for the extensive comments! I'll
see what I can do to remedy the deficiencies you're pointed out.
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.