Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma][Lime] Centaur chapter 4: The Thrill of Victory
From: Vincent Seifert
Date: 12/16/1999, 10:14 PM
To: Douglas MacDougall
CC: Fanfic Mailing List <ffml@fanfic.com>

On Thu, 16 Dec 1999, Douglas MacDougall wrote:

C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.

The vicious C&Cer strikes!  You've had it easy, so far!
Nya HA Ha ha!

Uh oh.

 [eyes story]  Damn, this is long...  [sweat]

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it.  :)
 
Say, is it true that we haven't seen any more of "The Nature of the Curse"
in all this time because you fear vicious retaliatory C&Cing?  :)

of the sheaf she carried and handed it to Akane.

[blink].  Well, you're quick to make it clear that there's
going to be a lot of Japanese in here...

Gomen.  :)

You've done a good job of setting of the premise of the chapter,
here.  It ties in well with the martial-arts aspect, later.

Yeah, it's sort of a warped reflection.  I like that sort of thing.
 
    "Ah, she's pissed at me 'cause I did better on a test than
she did," Ranma said, ignoring the eyebrow.  "I guess I better
find her.  Besides, she's got my lunch.  Later!"  She dashed out
of the courtyard.

suggest:  Aw, she's pissed
(I associate "Ah" with moans or cries of pain or fear.)

OK.  Speaking from experience?  :)
 
    The grounds of St. Hebereke's were extensive and well-
landscaped, but Ranma was swift and knew them well; she found
Akane after only a few minutes, sitting in a secluded spot by a
small fountain decorated with a stone faun.

suggest:  The grounds of St Hebereke were
(Isn't "of Hebereke's" redundant?)

Short for "Saint Hebereke's School for Girls".

    "I don't know.  I think it was when we were studying Chinese
geography.  You started telling that outrageous story about the
time you got stuck in Shanghai, and I started tickling you, and
then... well, it was fun, but it didn't help my grade much."

Wait til your Biology test...

Definitely going to ace sex-ed...  :)
 
    "Well, you knew most of the stuff on the test already from
going there.  All you had to do was write it down the right way."

Huh?  Write it down "the right way?"  What's the wrong way?

The way that gets a D because it hurts the teacher to read?
 
    "If you're getting better, maybe it's because I'm helping
you, and I wish you'd appreciate it a little more!"

I'm sensing that Akane wanted to say "appreciate *me*".  :)

That's definitely the subtext, yes.
 
suggest:  helping you.  I wish
(I'd try to keep the imperative as a stand-alone sentence.)

Will consider.

    "I am proud of you," Akane admitted.  "It's just... well,
now there's one more thing that you can do better than me, and
how many things can I do better than you?"

Hmm.  You're spelling things out a little explicitly here,
that might be better saved for later.

Well... I find that I write too subtle a lot more often than I write too
blatant, so I try to bias towards blatancy.  Things that make one reader
go "huh?" make another say "too obvious".  It's tricky.

    Akane knelt in the dojo with the parts of a shinai spread
out in front of her for inspection.  The four bamboo strips were
in good condition, so Akane reassembled the mock sword, finishing
by knotting the string that both indicated the back of the
springy "blade" and held the leather coverings of hilt and tip
together.

suggest:  reassembled the training sword
(Does it being bamboo make it any less of a "real" sword?)

Absolutely.  A shinai is a mock katana in the same sense that a foil is a
mock rapier; they're both technically sporting goods, not weapons,
intended to make it possible to use moves somewhat resembling those used
in their respective forms of sword combat without serious danger to the
participants, which is exactly the opposite of the purpose of a real
sword.
 
Those things come apart?  I was not aware of that.
I thought they just eventually broke when you hit someone
on the head too hard, and then you got it replaced.  ^_^

For "someone" read "Ranma".  :)  My understanding (from research, not
practice) is that the individual slats of a shinai do wear out quickly,
but they last longer in dry climates if they are cleaned and oiled, and it
is also advisable to disassemble a shinai frequently for inspection; if it
breaks during practice, someone might get hurt, and if it breaks during a
match, you might be disqualified. 

    "Maybe it's not Saotome-ryu, but it's definitely part of
Tendo-ryu.  I've always done kendo, and kenjutsu, and kyudo.
Father taught me yari and naginata, too."  Sword, bow, spear, and
polearm: all the old--

Lots 'o Japanese words, here,.  I recognise Kenjutsu, and naginata,
but not kyudo or yari.

The English equivalents are in the next sentence; for more info, see the
glossary on my webpage.

    Akane frowned at him.  "You'd better not be saying I'm not a
true martial artist, Ranma.  I don't NEED weapons, and you know
it.  But it's good to be able to use them."

    "Hey, I can use 'em!"

    "No, you just fake it brilliantly.

That's a novel way of looking at it!  ^_^

As I see it, Ranma's forms are a bit weird, but his efficacy is
unquestionable.
 
    Ranma had been on the receiving end of Akane's pet shinai
before, but this time she was attacking with precision and
discipline.  He dodged and wove around the blows, but there was
nothing wild about them; Akane's skill and spirit blended to form
style that he couldn't help but admire.  Still....  Ranma
suddenly caught the shinai between two fingers and held it,
smirking.  "Now what?  Woop!"  He dodged Akane's side-kick.

He can do that?

It's a common representation in Ranma fics that weapons (or at
least Kuno's bokken) are all but useless.  "One disarm and it's
all over."

Of course, weapons also give a greater reach, and leverage adds
speed and power.  Approaching to disarm someone who's weilding
a weapon at you is not a fun experience.

Unless, of course, you have a weapon, too.  :)

mmm... not sure I want to get into this, as I've seen this subject explode
before.  Suffice it to say that in the manga, the people who don't use
weapons -- or aren't using weapons -- don't seem to be at a disadvantage,
and often win.  What relationship this has to reality, I don't know, and
I'm not sure it matters.  I'm writing Ranma fanfic.

Anyway, as it applies here, could Ranma really catch the shinai
between his fingers?  Based off of what I know of how it's built,
a shinai is intended to be swung, not stabbed.

Mostly.  It does have a padded tip, and it is legal to thrust with it, but
there's only one legal target: the throat.
 
I could see him catch a stab, but not a swing.  There's not
enough strength in the fingers, especially closing like that.

Of course, Ranma *is* wild martial arts, and that kinda spoils
your scene.  Still, since you're being technical on the martial
arts side of things, perhaps you should say what type of strike
he caught.

If it *was* a swing, maybe he hurt his finger in the attempt.
He could shake his hand in pain after the encounter is over.

Ranma's fingers are pretty damn strong.  And a shinai strike is not
full-circle; it stops and recovers.  In the instant of stopping, I'm
certain Ranma could catch it and, once caught, leverage is on his side.

    Ranma half-smiled.  "Fair's when I win."  Akane's
exasperated look told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't
appreciate his wit, but her retort was interrupted by the dojo
door opening.

"Fair's when I win"?  I don't know if I'm clear on what he meant.

He's jesting.  This refers back to the cunning/cheating exchange from
Centaur 2.
 
    "Oh, just playing postman."  [...]

SHE'S GOT A GUN!!!

Um, no, that's someone else's Nabiki.  :)
 
    Nabiki shrugged.  "We were in math class and Kuno-chan
suddenly jumped up, stood on his chair, and shouted 'I can endure
this disgrace no longer!'  He got bucket-duty, of course.  I
guess he wrote this out in the hall, because when he came back in
he handed it to me and said 'Pray deliver this to that foul knave
who no longer dares show his face in the realm I defend.'  Or
something like that."

It's a good thing he always has an inkstone and brush handy!

Be Prepared.  I wonder if Tacchi's a Boy Scout?

    Kuno wheeled joyfully.  "My pigtailed goddess!  My fierce
tigress!  Too long have I wended my woeful way, bereft of your
divine companionship!  Too seldom of late have I beheld your
cheerful countenances!"

suggest:  My fierce tigress, too long
(By separating "goddess" and "tigress" into two sentences, it
sounds like he's referring to Ranma and Akane.  I think he just
means Ranma, right?)

No, "goddess" is onna-Ranma, "tigress" is Akane...
 
    Neither of their countenances were, in fact, particularly
cheerful at the moment; Ranma had a flat-eyed look of impatient
disgust on her face, and Akane appeared to be equally annoyed
with Kuno, Ranma, and the departing rain-cloud.

Why is Akane annoyed at Ranma and the poor rain-cloud?

At the rain-cloud for raining, and at Ranma for complaining about being
rained upon.  :)

    "To Saotome, curse his black heart!" Kuno fumed, looking up
at the sky and gesturing with clawed fingers.  "The miscreant
holds the ancient symbol of my honor even now!  Worse, he
ensorcelled two innocent souls to accomplish his nefarious
bidding!  I hold this not against you," he told them, in a sudden
switch from rant to reassurance.  "Certes it was not your will,
but his."

Ah, and there's the vocabulary word I have to look up.  There's
at least one in each of your fics.  :)

I used to do that to my gamers, too.  "Hey, Yngvar, look up 'miasmic',
willya?"  :)

 Not including the
Japanese words, of course, for which I can't just pull out a
dictionary.  [nudge nudge]

Mou ichido gomen.  :)

http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/glossary.htm
 
    Ranma and Akane exchanged a look of comprehension.  Kuno had
interrupted their second wedding much as he had the first, with
different results: undistracted by other agents of chaos, Akane
and Ranma had defeated him swiftly and decisively.  They'd
disposed of the unconscious youth, but kept his sword.

Freud would probably have something to say about that.  ;)

O_o  Oh, yeah.  But sometimes a sword is just a sword.  :)
 
    "Uh...."  Ranma glanced at Kuno, then back at Akane.  "Not
here, okay?"  She addressed Kuno.  "Uh, we need to, uh, confer
with our dark master.

^_^;

I'm thinking that it might be appropriate to capitalize Dark Master.

Hmm... maybe.
 
    "Katana?"  Genma looked up at the ceiling of the main room
of the Saotome house, frowning, and stroked his chin.  "Hmm.  No,
I can't say I recall it.  Perhaps if you describe this alleged
katana...."

I can see Genma saying this.  "Alleged katana."  :)

How does it go?  Delay, confuse, and obfuscate?  :)
 
    "Listen to me, Son," Genma said, frowning seriously.
"Trophies are worthless.  A true martial artist needs no symbols
to maintain the pride within.  Money, on the other hand, money is
useful.  What greater purpose can a trophy serve than to provide
a little cash to obtain the necessities of life, eh?  To keep
body and soul together?  And perhaps to purchase a few little
luxuries to make a man's life worth living--"

[wipes away tear].  Genma is so wise!

It does seem to be the core of his philosophy.  :)
 
    "You idiot!  It's gotta be worth five times that!" Ranma
yelled right into her father's face.

Ungrateful son!

Or maybe daughter.  :)
 
    Ranma looked abashed.  "Well, that's different.  Sorry,
Pops."

    "I accept your apology, Son," Genma said, straightening his
gi.

That man is so forgiving!  Ranma doesn't deserve him for a father!

I doubt you'll get much disagreement with that, but maybe not for that
reason.  :)

    "A good wife knows to extract any odd sums her husband might
be holding out," Nodoka continued blithely.  Ranma and Akane
renewed their glares at Genma.  "But only when the needs of the
household require it, of course.  Otherwise it's best to leave
them a little, dear."  She patted Akane on the arm and smiled
confidentially.  [...]

Ranma:  Um...  Was I supposed to hear that?  ^_^;

Nodoka:  "Certainly, dear.  After all, you might have a husband of your
own someday... oops, I forgot."

    "Damn right there's a problem!  It wasn't his katana!  It
was ours!" Ranma protested.

punc:  Damn right, there's
(I think.)

I think so too.

    Nodoka gained a worried look.  "Oh, my," she said finally.
"That does put a different face on things, doesn't it."  She
shrugged ruefully at Genma.  "Well, there's no help for it, dear.
I'll just go get the first-aid kit, shall I?"  She turned and
left.

Well, that was rather cruel.  ^_^;

I prefer "realistic".
 
    "We won't be long," Akane assured him, looking around.  A
spear on the wall caught her attention.  "Um, about this
yari...."

    "Not for sale," the pawnbroker said.

Akane:  But I can use it!  Didn't you hear what I told Ranma,
    before?  That was supposed to be foreshadowing! [pout]

Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to do kyudo metioned
anywhere else with an English equivalent...

It's in the glossary...  *sweatdrop*  
 
    "Oh, no," the man said, staring at the ticket.  He looked up
at Akane and essayed a polite smile, but it didn't quite come
off.  "Er, there's a little problem...."

suggest:  Er, There's a problem with that....
(Make 'em tremble at that phrase.  ;)

Hmm.  I was actually trying to vary it a bit, but you may be right.
 
    "Oh, God," Sato moaned.  "Tendo Kasumi's sister and Saotome
Nodoka's daughter-in-law.  'Trouble' doesn't begin to cover it.
I'm going to hell for this, I just know it."

If you're capitalizing God, you should probably capitalize Hell,
too.

I think I'd rather uncap God.  Don't burn me at the stake.  :)
 
    The next afternoon after school, Kasumi came out into the
hall while Ranma and Akane were taking off their shoes. "Welcome
back," she said pleasantly, holding out an envelope.  "A nice man
left a letter for you."

    "How nice?" Ranma asked as Akane took the letter.

    Kasumi lowered her head, blushing a little.  "He was very
polite."

    Akane looked up.  "Was he young?"

    "Well, not too young...."

    "Aha.  Handsome?"

    "Oh, my, yes."

Akane:  Built?

Kasumi:  Well,  I wasn't sure at first, but after I 'accidentally'
    spilled a drink into his lap and started to clean it off...

^_^

Uh, no, that's someone else's Kasumi.  :)

    Akane broke into a smile.  "Go, Kasumi!  I knew you could
find someone better than Taro-kun!"

Let's see, if Kasumi likes older men, and martial-artists,
there's always Happo-- urk!  [sounds of Doug being bludgeoned]

Hah, thought Happy would protect you, didn't you?!  :)

    Ranma ignored the diminutive.  "You never used to talk like
that, Kasumi."
[...]
    Kasumi smiled.  "Well, Ranma, for a long time there were
guests in the house, and I had to mind my manners."

Take One:

"But now I don't have to pretend, anymore!" she winked, scratching
her butt, and belching.

Eeew.
 
Take Two:

"But, now," she grinned ferally , "I don't have to keep up...
Appearances, anymore."

Definitely someone else's Kasumi.  :)

    "Over my dead body," Akane told him.  "You're married now.
No more flirting with guys who don't know you're not a real
girl."

Ranma:  [sighing with relief]  Well, at least I can still flirt
    with Kuno and Ryoga!

AARGH!

    "What would you like broken?  I mean it, Ranma.  I never
liked the way you behaved when Kuno-kun had something you wanted.
I put up with it before, but now I don't have to."  Akane turned
away, opened the gate, and headed for the mansion's front door.
Her knock was answered quickly; the door swung open on a slender,
immaculately groomed man a few years older than they were,
wearing a man's kimono of dark cloth.

Well, this seems rather... mean of Akane.  Not the sentiment of
not wanting him to flirt, but laying down an ultimatum(!)  I don't
recall Akane premeditively planning violence.  Normally it's
quite spontaneous.

It didn't come across as flippant?  I mean, I know you're pun-deploring,
but it was a play on words on "Gimme a break", and not meant to imply that
Akane WOULD break something (his choice) if he(she) flirted with Kuno; she
was merely expressing her displeasure.
 
    "Not at all.  If you would be so kind as to come this way?"
Masanori led them through halls exquisitely appointed in the old
style to a sitting room furnished with a low table.  He crossed
the room and slid open the shoji on the far side, revealing a
small garden.  "Please make yourselves comfortable.  I will
inform the young master that you are here."  He bowed and
departed.

Could you tell us what "the old style" is?

Tatami, shoji, zabuton, etc, rather than carpets, walls, couches,
windows...  traditional Japanese architecture and furnishing, not Western
or Westernized.
 
    "Nice place," Ranma said, seating himself at the table.  "A
bit Kuno-ish for my taste, though...."

Kuno-equse?
Kuno-ey?
Kuno-rific?
Kuno-tastic?

*whimper*  Aiiee!  The attack of the Thesaurus!

    "Well, I think it's very pleasant," Akane said.  "Before
certain people and their pandas started sparring in it, our
garden was almost this nice.  I'll bet his koi aren't terrified,
either."

What are you talking about?  The Tendo koi are bad-asses!  Their
martial arts training is quite devloped.  I mean, they've survived
this long...

I'm surprised they haven't learned to hold their little gills shut long
enough to flop their way to someone else's pond, frankly.

    "Ah.  I may have to resort to something similar.  Perhaps,
if we become friends, you could tell me how it worked for
you...."  Kotaro trailed off shyly.  He picked a sheet of colored
paper off the table and began to fold it, his hands moving
quickly despite the fact that he wasn't looking down at them.

Let me get this straight.  He's trying to get an arranged marriage
as successful as Ranma and Akane's?  :j

Ironic, isn't it?  :)
 
    "Friends?" Akane said, a little surprised.  "I don't see why
not... but why would you need to arrange a marriage?  You're well-
off if this house is any indication, you look healthy...."  [...]

Akane:  You look like you know how to... use a sword...

/me frogs Doug

    "You're too kind," Kotaro repeated.  He set the small figure
he'd folded from the paper on the table before Ranma.  "There, a
horse for Ranma-san."

And he did that without looking?  Those things are SO hard!  ;_;
It took me forever to make a rat, looking repeatedly back and
forth between my mess and the book.

Hey, the guy's good.  He'd have to be, to give Ranma a challenge.

    Folding a little paper car, Kotaro spoke of the automobile
accident that had killed his parents and left him sightless.  In
turn, Akane and Ranma told the tale of Kuno's attempted
intervention in their wedding.  "So Ranma's father pawned the
katana when he had no right to," Akane finished.

For Ranma, a paper horse.  For Akane, a paper cause-of-my-
blindness?

No, no, he folded her a little red cloud.
 
    "Both.  I also practice iaido, as an aid to contemplation.

Not to be confused with iai-iaio.  :j

As if I need to say it, I have no idea what he's talking about.

Well, I'm sorry, but there ISN'T an English word for it...

    "Oh, rats," came Akane's voice.  "This isn't going to be
much fun for the spectators.  I can't see a thing."

Masanori:  Infrared goggles, ma'am?
Akane:  Why, thank you!

Hey.  I like that.  It's just loopy enough to work.  Hmm.
 
    Moving silently sideways in the darkness, Ranma remembered
Genma's training, which had not neglected fighting without
vision.  *Use the other senses, hearing most of all.  [...]

I thought that was the stomach.  ;)

If Ranma listened for stomach-noises, his own would drown out everyone
else's.  :)
 
It was the whisper of cloth that alerted him just in time to
spring away; he heard the swish of the wooden blade, but the
intent that should have warned him... hadn't.  *He's masking his
aura!  Doing a damn good job, too.*

suggest:  "battle aura"
or:  "fighting spirit"
(Aura sounds vague, like "the force."  I would stick to
terminology from Ranma, or the actual Japanese term, if you
know what it is.  You've already used a lot of other technical
Japanese terms in the story.)

OK.

    Whack!  "Ow!"

Of course, feeling the strike, and hearing Ranma, Kotaro was
better able to determine his location and attacked again, before
he could lose him:

Whack!  "Ow!"  Whack!  "Ow!"  Whack!  "Ow!"  Whack!  "Ow!"

Meanwhile, Akane strained to prevent herself from jumping in.
*Beating up Ranma is MY job!*

heh.  No, Kotaro's a gentleman, defined as someone who stops after the
first solid hit.  :)
 
    Ranma expanded his aura as far as it would go, sweeping for
Kotaro with it, and immediately found that Kotaro was doing the
same thing.  "Yipe!"  He dodged the bokken and took the opening.

Ugh.  This *is* beginning to sound like the force.

It's not an application of "aura", but couldn't he just "expand
his senses"?  This is pretty standard fare in martial arts movies,
and isn't vaguely defined as "aura".

Sure, it amounts to the same thing, but it's weird seeing all
your technical descriptions of the weapons, styles, and forms,
and then you talk about "aura."  It's a really uneven coverage
of martial arts.

I'll address this later.
 
    Whack!  "Yowch!  You sneaky bastard, you faked me out with
your aura!"

In Lone Wolf and Cub, they explained the premise of something like
the intent to kill.  Or do harm, one might suppose.  There was the
concept of this hostility, or focus, being a presense that a
trained martial artist can detect as an oppresive force.

Presumably a clever-enough person who is focussed enough to suppress
their intent, could throw off a false intent.  Pretend to attack
one way, while really attacking another.  A basic feint, but at
another level.

Yes, that's essentially it.
 
    "Damn straight," Ranma said grimly.  "I'm not quitting 'til
I get this figured out."  He heard Akane mutter something about
testosterone.

Something about draining some off when she gets home?

Now you KNOW it doesn't work that way, Doug.  :)
 
    *I could beat this with Umi-sen-ken,* Ranma thought, *but do
I want to?  Nah.  Let's see who fakes who.*  He sent his aura out
again and sought for Kotaro.  When the false attack came he
evaded it, listening and feeling for body and blade, learning to
recognize the patterns of deception....

    Whap!  "Gotcha!" Ranma crowed.

How?  You don't describe the "aha!" moment where he somehow figures
out how to detect the real Kotaro.

I thought it was implicit... guess not.
 
    "Ready."

    "Begin!"

Hmm.  I should have mentioned this before, but I was snipping just
a little bit too happily.  Are you sure you don't want to use
"hajime," what with all the other Japanese?

What, and give you something else to ding me for?  :)
 
    "What a fine idea," Kotaro said slowly.  "It doesn't seem
proper to return the katana to Sato-san for a refund, nor to sell
it to you.  I will entertain a challenge for it, though."

Uh...  I fail to see Kataro's logic for why "it doesn't seem proper"
to sell it back.  He seemed sympathetic to their explanation, and
must certainly believe they merit the sword, based off Ranma's skill.

I can see it just being a lonely guy making an excuse to possibly
meet them again, but if so, it could be cleared up.

Earlier, Kotaro says "Such an item should not be sold, let alone pawned." 
It's a matter of propriety, and as such not amenable to logic.
 
    "I hope you will not be offended by this request, but... I
have not seen your face, and I would very much like to.  May I,
well, touch your face?"

Ranma:  That better not be some sorta euphemism...  [smoulder]

Bingo.
 
    Kotaro reached out slowly and touched Akane's face gently.
His fingers were not soft, Akane noticed, any more than hers
were, or Ranma's; they were hardened with smooth callus.  His
touch was delicate, though, and surprisingly pleasant.  *Oh, my.
I wish Ranma would touch me like this....*  The fingers traced
over Akane's face and withdrew.

suggest:  they were hardened and callused.
(Looking at a dictionary and the AMA Family Medical Guide, I don't
think "callus" can be used that way.)

I'll check.
 
    "What a nice guy," Akane remarked on the way home.

    "Yeah.  Nice."

Ranma's socialization never dealt with nice guys.  They were always
attacking him or trying to take advantage of him.   Don't feel bad
for him; he simply doesn't know *how* to react.  ;)

Yes, exactly.
 
    "Well, he's polite, but not deluded like Kuno-kun.  He's not
a lecher.  And I thought his offer was very gallant."

Not deluded?  Not a lecher?  High praise, indeed, Akane.  ^_^;

Bingo again.

    Around the middle of the next morning, it occurred to Akane
that she hadn't seen Ranma in a while.  She looked for him in all
the usual places, then went where everyone went when something
was missing: wherever Kasumi happened to be.  [...]

Of course, when the thing that's missing is Kasumi, panic sets in...

I think I covered that last chapter.  :)
 
    "If he is, he's perfected a new way to hide," Akane said.
"Was he male or female when you saw him last?"

suggest:  a boy or a girl
(People rarely use "male" and "female" in normal conversation.)

(And no comments on the normality of this conversation!  ;)

Good point.  Will fix.

    She was back in under a minute, fuming.  "He's gone," she
stated.  "He took my kendo bogu.  Oh, I'm gonna clobber him so
bad!"

Bogu?  That some sort of poisionous staff?  ^_^

Get thee to a glossary, lad!  :)
 
Complete aside:  can anyone tell me where to find the fic where
Nabiki has a candid video tape of Ranma dressed in Akane's school
uniform looking in the mirror?  "Who are you calling uncute, you
jerk!"

Doesn't ring any bells, sorry.

    Kotaro came in a few minutes later, attired in kendogi and
hakama.  "Good morning, Akane-san," he said.  "Masanori, help me
with the bogu, will you?"

Is the proper romanization kendogi?  And presumably karategi, etc.?
I would have thought they would be two words.

That's what it said in the references I, uh, referred to...
 
    "That's too bad.  I was looking forward to meeting him
again.  It seems strange that he wouldn't come to see you
compete."  Kotaro cocked his head in a different direction.
"Masanori, I believe someone is at the door."  He listened again.
"Someone quite strong."

Perhaps an explanation of this proclamation?  Say, that even
Ranma could faintly hear the pounding of the far-away door?

I figure Kotaro's got the best hearing of the bunch, for obvious reasons. 
 
    Masanori came back into the dojo with company; amazingly,
his composure had not cracked.  "Saotome Akane-san," he
announced.

    "RRRAAANNNMMMAAA!!"

What, no, "Ranma?  Who's Ranma?" from 'Akane'? ;)

Nope.  :)
 
    "Sorry for the disturbance," Akane said tightly to Kotaro
and Masanori.  "Excuse me."  She stomped back out, dragging an
unconscious girl in bogu by the pigtail and carrying a mask and
shinai in the other hand.

You've used the word "bogu" quite a few times, now.
Are their other terms you could use, for variety?

"kendo armor".  There are other terms, but they're Japanese... (looks
nervously over shoulder)
 
    Kotaro and Masanori exchanged glances... or, rather, a
glance.  "I'll just see them out," Masanori volunteered.

    "By all means."

I got the impression the first time I read this (obviously too
fast) that the young master was kicking them out.  Perhaps it's
becuase there's no reaction of surprise of confusion from
Kotaro, so I assumed he was peeved.

Confused, more like, and falling back on politeness to cover.

    "You were just treating me like dirt!  INCOMPETENT dirt!
STUPID dirt!  Not only did you DO it, you thought you could get
AWAY with it!"  Akane paused and eyed her.  "Why on earth did you
try to pretend you were me?  Why didn't you just take the other
bogu from the dojo and go as a guy?"

Hmm.  I'm not sure I would classify what Ranma did as treating
Akane like dirt.  Incompetant, yes, but not dirt (stupid or
otherwise).

I'm not sure I can explain it, then.  He essentially ran roughshod over
her wishes and feelings in the matter, apparently from sheer arrogance and
pigheadedness.
 
    "Uh--"  Ranma looked thunderstruck.  "I dunno.  It seemed
like the thing to do at the time?"

suggest: looked dumbfounded
(I thought the thunderstuck expression meant he he suddently
understood WHY Akane was upset.  Silly me.  :)

Will consider.

    Akane shook her head.  "You moron.  I can't believe the
nerve of you, just taking it on yourself to meet Kotaro-san's
challenge, when you knew I wanted it!"

suggest: taking it upon yourself
(Is that the right word?)

"upon" is correct, but I don't think Akane would say that.  Kodachi, sure.
 
    "Hey, fair's fair," Ranma said smugly, exploiting her thin
advantage.  "Tell ya what, I'll arm-wrestle you for it."

Akane:  Okay.  Just wait until after I have my noodles.  ;)

Ranma's behavior in the Super Soba and Battle Do-gi incidents is what
inspired his reaction here, of course.
 
    Ranma's face twitched, then settled into a hard, confident
smirk.  "You're on."  Looking into her cold gray eyes, Akane felt
two conflicting emotions: the now-familiar electric thrill of
Ranma taking her seriously, but stronger than ever before... and
the visceral knowledge that if Ranma really did take her
seriously, she would have all the chance of a rabbit cornered by
a tiger.

I dunno.    Put a frail little thing in front angry felines
enough times and you might be surprised!  >;)=

Usually you have to replace the frail little thing a lot.
 
    "This is dumb," Ranma grumbled an hour later.  Resentfully,
he eyed the far wall of the dojo where Nodoka sat, summoned by
Akane's telephone call.  Genma stood by holding the men, the
kendo mask with flaring shoulder-pads.  He'd already helped Ranma
don the tare, do, and kote: armor-skirt, chest armor, and padded
gauntlets.  Soun had done the same for Akane, and now held her
mask.

You know, this fic would work much better as HTML.  You could
italicise all the Japanese words and/or hyperlink them to the
definitions.

Okay.  :)

suggest:  holding the men -- the kendo mask
(I was wondering which men Genma was holding.
"Watch it, Saotome!"  ^_^; )

*sigh*  I know...

    "Agreed," Genma said disapprovingly.  "The thigh is not a
valid target, Son."

Tendo:  What exactly are you aiming for with that stick, Ranma?

hehe!  Seriously, the thigh is a great target: it's big, it doesn't move
around much, it's difficult to protect without opening other
vulnerabilities.  That's why it's off-limits in kendo and foil.  :)
 
    "HAAAA!"  Tak-tak-tak-WHACK!  "KOTE!"  Akane followed
through and stopped, grinning inside her mask.

    "Point!" Soun shouted.  "Did you see that, Saotome-kun?"

    "A cunning strike," Genma agreed.

And why didn't WE get to see the strike?  As Gary might say, you
can't just say "That was amazing" and expect us to take your word
for it.  We want to be able to decide for ourselves that her strike
was cunning.

Interesting point, two problems.  First, I don't know what the darn
cunning strike was, because I'm not a kendoka as good as Akane.  Second,
if I WAS, and I described it precisely, you wouldn't know it was a cunning
strike, because YOU aren't a kendoka as good as Akane! 

NOT describing the strike, and having Soun and Genma comment on it
instead, solves both problems; you're not taking MY word for it, you're
taking Soun's and Genma's, trust me.  :)

I have run into the second half of this problem when describing fencing
(which I do know something about) to laymen.  There's a hell of a
difference between competition fencing (which is what I did) and stage
fencing, because stage fencing involves things which look like cunning
strikes but would get you killed if you tried them with sharp things.  In
competition fencing, on the other hand, you can barely see what happened
unless you know what's going on. 

    "Men," Ranma said in a low voice.  "That's what that hit's
called, isn't it?"

Here's a strong reason for why Japanese is not a Good Thing in
English fics.  Especially if the Japanese word is also an English
word.  Especially when the English word could also be used.

And here I thought Ranma was about to rant about all the horrors
he's faced from amorous guys...  ^_^

Of course, it also doesn't help that I thought the Japanese word
_men_ meant the mask.  It's the same word for striking the mask?
[sigh]

Agreed.  On the [sigh] part.  And some of the rest of it.  :)
 
suggest:  "That hit's called a men isn't it?"

Problem is that one of the rules is that the attacking kendoka is supposed
to call the hit.  "Men" has to be the first thing he says.

    *You're thinkin' too much.*  It was Ranma's sensei-voice in
her head, and in its wake the froth of her thoughts vanished like
so many soap-bubbles.  A decade of Musabetsu Kakuto and kendo and
six months of Ranma's idiosyncratic tutoring came together in one
instant flash of void.

Point of curiosity:  why is Musabetsu Kakuto capitalized,
but none of the other martial art names capitalized?

uh... (boggles)  You got me fair and square, Sherriff.  I'll go quietly.
 
    "TSUKI!"

Mamoru:  "No!  Usagi!!!"

Huh?!  (I've seen hardly any SM...)
 
    "I won!"  Akane jumped up and down, waving her shinai.  "I
beat RANMA!"

I fail to see how this is exceptional.  ;)
She beats him regularly.

Not in formal challenges, she doesn't.  Not when he doesn't have an excuse
for why she won, she doesn't.
 
    "THE HELL YOU DID!"  Ranma tore his mask off and flung it
aside.  His face twisted with fury and mortification, he stripped
off the armor with six swift motions and dropped back into guard,
holding his shinai.  "The hell with that junk!  Try it now, damn
you!"

suggest:  Try it now, dammit!
(This feels like an appropate reaction for Ranma, but saying
"damn you" to Akane...?)

It is, in fact, a very unusual reaction from Ranma, and is supposed to be.

    "BECAUSE I CAN'T!" Ranma roared.  "You KNOW what I gave up
to get this good!  If someone who didn't sacrifice the way I did
can be BETTER, then it was all for NOTHING!"  Dead silence
answered him.  His tortured glance raked over the shocked faces
of his small audience.  He dropped the shinai and darted out the
open doors of the dojo into the spring sunshine.

This is a good insight into Ranma's character.

Thanks.  They talked about this a little back in Taming 10.
 
    "What about MY pride, Father?!" Akane interrupted.  "Am I
always going to be following along in his shadow?  I can't do
that!  There'd be nothing of ME left!  He's so good at so many
things, he should admit it if I'm better than him at something!"

Soun:  But what about your cook--?  Knit--?  Swim--?  Bust--?
    [pauses in thought]  You get better grades than him!
Akane:  [runs off bawling]

Well, that's actually pretty close to the truth even as Akane sees it,
isn't it?
 
    "They were necessary," Genma said gruffly, pushing his
glasses up his nose a little, the better to examine the floor
before him.  "If a martial artist is very fortunate, this will
happen: he will gain a student who has the potential to surpass
him, and eventually the student will harbor the thought that he
HAS surpassed his master.  Then they will vie for supremacy."  He
glanced at Soun.  "You remember how it was with us and the old
master, Tendo-kun."

I'm always happy when Genma gets fair treatment.
[breaks down sobbing]

I'm going to try to be nicer to him, really.  An upcoming chapter features
Genma and Nodoka.
 
    Ranma's mouth opened and closed.  "I-- you-- gaah!"

I think you used "gaah" in the fight, too.  I'm not used to
seeing it for a frustrated noise.  It connotes disgust to me.
Specifically, I think it's the utterance of choice when
Happosai gropes the pretty girlies.  ^_^;

It's what I use for a frustrated noise, so I'm biased.  :)
 
    Akane pressed her advantage.  "Why can't you admit I'm
better than you at anything?!"

    "Why do you gotta be better'n me, dammit?!"

suggest:  Why do you GOTTA be
(Without the emphasis, it sounds like Ranma is upset that Akane
*is* better than he, rather then him complaining why she *wants*
to be better.)

Good point.

    "Because you're the BEST, you baka!  Why would I want to be
better than anyone ELSE, when I could be better than YOU?!"
Akane shut up, kicking herself mentally from three different
directions.

We won't ask where the third mental leg came from.  ^_^;

I didn't say all three kicks arrived at once.  :)

    "Shinnosuke."

    That one was harder to deny; Akane's palm tingled with the
body-memory of the slap she'd delivered to Ranma to keep him from
harming Shinnosuke, a blow that had hurt him more than any other
she'd ever landed in all their long, violent association.  "I
just felt sorry for him...."

    "Do you feel sorry for Kotaro?"

Zing!  ;)

Ranma overreacted, yeah, but he's not completely in the wrong.

    "Yeah," Ranma said in a half-strangled tone.  Akane looked
down and suddenly noticed that his feet were dangling clear of
the roof-tiles.  She put him down with a thump.

suggest:  noticed that she was holding him over the edge;
    his feet were
(It's not clear from the grabbing and shaking about that Akane
is actually *lifting* Ranma or pushing him back.)

Good catch.  Should be lifting; will clarify.

    "I dunno, it's like you're some kinda sex maniac or
somethin'...."

All the Akane fanboys already know that.  ;)

(Vince waves an Akane flag)
 
    Akane frowned.  "Ranma, you idiot.  I am NOT a nymphomaniac.
If you're going to be that way, when you want to get laid you're
going to have to--"  She broke off; it had occurred to her just
in time that finishing the sentence with "beg for it" would
result in a lot of cold and lonely nights.

/jukebox Ojo Sama To Oyobi!
/nick Akane
Where did I put that whip...?

Riding crop.  How could you forget?  :)

    "Huh?"  Ranma looked puzzled and not a little apprehensive.
"How'm I supposed to know if you're in the mood, if you won't
answer when I ask?"

You live in a much simpler world, don't you, Ranma?  :)

No question about it.
 
    "Maybe you could just make advances when YOU'RE in the mood,
even knowing that I'll pound you flat if I don't feel like it,"
Akane said carefully.  "Maybe I'd like to know that you think I'm
worth the risk."

And don't doubt that there WOULD be a risk.  >:)

Well, sure.

    His hands blurred and suddenly Akane was naked; her kendogi
and underwear fell in a pile on the other side of the room.
Ranma tossed her into the air and caught her, and just that
quickly his clothes were gone too.  He pivoted, closing the
window with her big toe, then knelt and laid her gently on the
futon.

Did you mean "her" or "his" big toe?  "His" makes more sense,
but I supose either is possible, the way Ranma is "weilding"
Akane.

Her.  Wielding is the correct image.
 
    Akane forced herself not to retort, not to reach for him,
not to give any sign of her feelings.  She closed her eyes and
lay still with her head turned away a little, waiting for him to
touch her, knowing that wherever he touched her it would be like
air on fire... but what touched her first was his aura, sparking
and fizzing with excitement.  With a gasp she let her aura escape
to mingle with his, and everything was just as wonderful as she'd
hoped it would be.

I was interested until the "aura" came back.

Sorry.
 
    "KYAAAAAAAAA!"

Now, I must admit that I'm not up on my Japanese cries of passion,
but isn't "kya" equivalant to "eek?"  ^_^;

"kya" = "eek".  "KYAAAAAAAA!" = "AAAIIIIEEEEE!"

    "Definitely wow," Akane agreed.  She tightened her grip a
little.  "I mean, it's always good, but sometimes it's...
better."

"Parkay!"

Doug!  A pun!
 
    Akane giggled.  "I'll keep that in mind."  The issues they
hadn't quite settled yet began to niggle at her, though, and she
chose one.  "Ranma... why do you let me hit you?"

Ranma:  What makes you think I LET you hit me?

This is just one of the laws of physics in the Ranma universe.
It's all nice and well that you're giving Ranma an opportunity
to be warm and fuzzy, but would the same argument apply to
Happosai?  Or Taro?

They're stronger then the other cast and still as as vulnerable
as anyone else to indignant beatings.  Best to leave it lie
without explanation.

Sorry, I disagree. I think the reason Ranma lets Akane hit him (not all
the time, mind you; sometimes she hits him fair and square, sometimes she
swings and misses) is important. 
 
    "It was a hell of a surprise," Ranma admitted.

    "Well, good.  Now it's your turn to surprise me."

    "I don't like the sound of that," Ranma said lightly.

Quid pro quo, Dr. Lector.  :)=

Yeah, but that's how progress is made, isn't it?

    Akane bit back her honest opinion and chose a more tactical
response, [...]

As I like to put it, "Do you want polite answer, or the truthful
answer?"  ;)

Another important social skill Akane is better at than Ranma.
 
    For the second time that day, Masanori found a figure in
kendo gear on the doorstep of his master's house, but this time
she wasn't wearing a mask.  "Good afternoon, Akane-san," he said,
bowing.  "Please come in."

suggest:  but this one wasn't wearing
(By using "she," you imply it's the same figure.)

OK.

    "See?" Ranma said to Akane.  She stuck out her tongue at her
wife and turned back to Kotaro.  "And stop talking about me like
I'm not here."  She grimaced.  "Look, come grope my chest.  Then
hit me with hot water.  You'll understand."

No comment from Akane?  Especially after her previous remark about
not having to put up with him flirting with other guys?

This is so far past flirting it takes her a while to figure out what's
going on.  By that time she realizes it actually makes sense.  :)
 
    Kotaro boggled momentarily.  "Grope?  I assure you, I would
never--"

Kuno:  Commoners grope.  Men such as we fondle!

Eccentric.

    "Great God in Heaven, you ARE Ranma-san," Kotaro gasped,
getting to his feet.  "I don't know what Ranma-san's chest feels
like, but I certainly know his aura, his style... and his fists."
He shook his head in wonder.  "Astonishing."

Consider my aura comments re-stated.

Will rebut at the end.

    "So it would seem."  Kotaro joined the others by the dojo
door.  "Well, I wish you luck with your next challenge.  Perhaps
we will meet again...."  He trailed off wistfully.

    "Well, of course we'll meet again!" Akane exclaimed.
"Honestly, did you think we would just vanish now that we have
what we wanted?"

Kotaro:  That's what usually happens in the comics and anime...
    You mean I'm not the obstacle of the week?

Gaah!  :)

I don't know.  I'll bring him back if I need him.
 
    "Ranma... hai, sensei."  In her own mind, Akane could feel
the need to avoid thinking about not thinking, so she thought
about something else.  "So how badly are you going to defeat Kuno-
kun?"

cap:  Sensei
(I think.)

Yeah, probably...
 
    "Surely it is obvious!" Tatewaki exclaimed.  "It is he whom
I must defeat to reclaim my honor, and it is even he whom I shall
defeat this day!"

suggest:  and it is he whom I shall defeat this day
(Unless "even" is being used in some way, archaic or otherwise,
that I'm not familiar with...)

Probably.  :)  I used to be in the SCA, and was expected to talk like
that.  *<:)
 
    "Steel is the only fit remedy for such as thee!" Kuno
stormed, but he didn't draw.

suggest:  for one such as thee

OK.
 
    "Woop!  Eek!  Yipe!  Ack!"  Ranma evaded the glinting sweeps
of the sword by bare finger-widths, inciting Kuno to greater and
greater effort.

Uh... Can't Kuno apply a great deal of air pressure (enough to
shatter rock) with his strikes?  Dodging by finger-widths is not
the smartest idea.  ^_^

That's with a bokken; a katana is too sharp to generate pressure waves.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  :)
 
    "You could start a collection," Kotaro said, rising.  "At
this rate, it won't be long until Kuno-san runs out of
katana...."

suggest:  katanas
(In English, anyway.)

Yeah, but "katana" is a Japanese word, so the plural is "katana".

    Ranma half-smiled.  "Hey, Akane.  I was thinking."  She
paused to see if Akane had a wisecrack for that, but wild horses
couldn't have dragged a jibe out of Akane at that moment.

Of course, you're going to hell for that pun.

as well hung for a pound as for a penny...
 
This seemed like a nice filler peice.  It was a good read, but I
think it lacked some direction.  There was a duel with Kuno, but
to do that, they needed to get it from Kotaro, but then they had
to duel to see who would get to fight him...  Quite a few levels
of indirection.

That was what the story started out to be, conceptually, but it got away
from me...

However, I liked how you addressed the issues of Ranma and Akane's
self-doubts.  The second resolution was much more satisfying.  The
first argument at school just sorta... ended.

...and this was what came to dominate the story.

The first conflict wasn't intended to be resolved; it was a foreshadowing,
if you will, in reverse, but also it was a recent experience that gave R&A
a bit of insight into each others' feelings.

The whole "aura" thing is a pet peeve of mine.  I mean, some sorta
vague... whatever... that indicates attacks, can be used as a
mental searchlight, enhances sex...  I haven't seen it in Ranma or
any other martial art movie or comic, so I don't like to see it
in martial art fics.

Okay.  Long answer coming up; to begin, I'm not taking this personally,
but your complaint does touch on the foundation of quite a lot of my
effort, so I'm going to defend it.  In doing so, I'm going to ignore
"real" (i.e., non-Ranmaverse) concepts of ki and chi, since I really don't
want to open that can of worms.

First off, the notion of the aura ("touki", or "battle aura") is
ubiquitous in the Ranma manga.  All over the place.   Happosai and Genma
display quite detailed visible projections using battle auras, and Soun's
demon-head is probably also aura.  Akane displays something a bit like
Soun's demon-head, and even Kasumi and Nabiki might do it.  Auras reflect
emotions, frequently springing out around characters when they're angry,
and it's this "hot ki" that Ranma uses for the Hiryuu Shouten Ha,
displaying a prodigious (in several senses of the word) ability to control
and project "cold ki".  It can be argued that the Shi Shi Houkoudan
and Mouko Takabisha are, in a sense, aura projections; they're certainly
ki, and it's hard to see how they could be formed without aura control.
Hinako's little talents... if ki can do THAT, what CAN'T it do?!

Beyond that, it's clear that the Ranmaverse works by "toon" laws of
physics.  I'm not even going to try to explain mass-conversion in
the context of Jusenkyo curses; it's magic, okay?  Still, something
separates martial artists from "mundanes", and gives the former the
ability to leap tall buildings in only a few bounds, be run over by
speeding locomotives and stagger away with a headache, punch craters into
solid rock, and so forth.  It seems to be ki control: auras.  Auras are
everywhere.  They're the Swiss army knife of Nerima martial arts.
Takahashi put them there.

There's also the proximity or danger sense; this seems to be a property of
martial artists, improving as the skill of the character in question
improves... could it be aura-related?  That's the only assertion I made
that is not directly supported by evidence in the manga, and I believe
that it IS a reasonable interpretation of evidence in the manga.  Not the
only reasonable interpretation, mind you.

Okay.  If auras can have sensory properties... what then?  Ranma, master
of oddball aura use, is going to develop them.  Auras played a large part
in Taming, both practically and symbolically; the discovery that auras
could apply to making love paralleled Ranma's determination to use his
martial arts abilities to solve, or at least ride, the difficulties of his
life.  It was a significant part of his "pairs style" with Akane.

I think that this is all firmly based on manga-canon.  If you don't like
it, that's fine; all I can say is that it's a matter of taste, and tastes
differ.  If you want to undermine my foundations, well, you're going to
have to do it with manga-canon arguments, because I'm pretty well attached
to this notion by now.  :)

Looking forward to whenever the next episode comes out,

I've already begun.  :)

Thanks for your comments; reading them is often thought-provoking and
generally amusing.  :)

Vince Seifert    Fanfic Analyst   FFIRC Frog
Prime:  seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.



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