C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
The vicious C&Cer strikes! You've had it easy, so far!
Nya HA Ha ha! [eyes story] Damn, this is long... [sweat]
[...]
Chapter 4: The Thrill of Victory
[...]
"Saotome Akane-san." Kogara-sensei pulled a test paper out
of the sheaf she carried and handed it to Akane.
[blink]. Well, you're quick to make it clear that there's
going to be a lot of Japanese in here...
[...]
"Wow! 89!" Ranma bubbled to Akane as they left the
classroom at lunchtime. "Jeez, I never got an 89 before! What'd
you get, huh?"
sp: Eighty-nine
(Start sentences with words, not numbers.)
[...]
"Woo-hoo! All that studying finally paid off!" she caroled,
dancing around Akane. "89! I finally did better than--" WHAM!
"--you. Ow."
Ditto
You've done a good job of setting of the premise of the chapter,
here. It ties in well with the martial-arts aspect, later.
[...]
"Ah, she's pissed at me 'cause I did better on a test than
she did," Ranma said, ignoring the eyebrow. "I guess I better
find her. Besides, she's got my lunch. Later!" She dashed out
of the courtyard.
suggest: Aw, she's pissed
(I associate "Ah" with moans or cries of pain or fear.)
The grounds of St. Hebereke's were extensive and well-
landscaped, but Ranma was swift and knew them well; she found
Akane after only a few minutes, sitting in a secluded spot by a
small fountain decorated with a stone faun. Had the school not
been a girls' school, it might have been a favored venue for
couples; as it was, Akane had it to herself. She held out a
lunchbox as Ranma approached, but didn't look at her or say
anything.
suggest: The grounds of St Hebereke were
(Isn't "of Hebereke's" redundant?)
[...]
"So, um, how come you didn't do so good?" Ranma asked
cautiously once the food was safe.
Obviously it wasn't any sort of language test. ;)
[...]
"I don't know. I think it was when we were studying Chinese
geography. You started telling that outrageous story about the
time you got stuck in Shanghai, and I started tickling you, and
then... well, it was fun, but it didn't help my grade much."
Wait til your Biology test...
[...]
"Well, you knew most of the stuff on the test already from
going there. All you had to do was write it down the right way."
Huh? Write it down "the right way?" What's the wrong way?
[...]
"If you're getting better, maybe it's because I'm helping
you, and I wish you'd appreciate it a little more!"
I'm sensing that Akane wanted to say "appreciate *me*". :)
suggest: helping you. I wish
(I'd try to keep the imperative as a stand-alone sentence.)
Ranma frowned. "Well, I wish you'd be proud that I got a
decent score on a test, instead of getting all mad that you
didn't!"
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
They stared at each other angrily for a moment, then
deflated simultaneously.
Aw...
"I am proud of you," Akane admitted. "It's just... well,
now there's one more thing that you can do better than me, and
how many things can I do better than you?"
Hmm. You're spelling things out a little explicitly here,
that might be better saved for later.
[...]
Akane knelt in the dojo with the parts of a shinai spread
out in front of her for inspection. The four bamboo strips were
in good condition, so Akane reassembled the mock sword, finishing
by knotting the string that both indicated the back of the
springy "blade" and held the leather coverings of hilt and tip
together.
suggest: reassembled the training sword
(Does it being bamboo make it any less of a "real" sword?)
Those things come apart? I was not aware of that.
I thought they just eventually broke when you hit someone
on the head too hard, and then you got it replaced. ^_^
[...]
"Maybe it's not Saotome-ryu, but it's definitely part of
Tendo-ryu. I've always done kendo, and kenjutsu, and kyudo.
Father taught me yari and naginata, too." Sword, bow, spear, and
polearm: all the old--
Lots 'o Japanese words, here,. I recognise Kenjutsu, and naginata,
but not kyudo or yari.
[...]
Akane frowned at him. "You'd better not be saying I'm not a
true martial artist, Ranma. I don't NEED weapons, and you know
it. But it's good to be able to use them."
"Hey, I can use 'em!"
"No, you just fake it brilliantly.
That's a novel way of looking at it! ^_^
[...]
Ranma had been on the receiving end of Akane's pet shinai
before, but this time she was attacking with precision and
discipline. He dodged and wove around the blows, but there was
nothing wild about them; Akane's skill and spirit blended to form
style that he couldn't help but admire. Still.... Ranma
suddenly caught the shinai between two fingers and held it,
smirking. "Now what? Woop!" He dodged Akane's side-kick.
He can do that?
It's a common representation in Ranma fics that weapons (or at
least Kuno's bokken) are all but useless. "One disarm and it's
all over."
Of course, weapons also give a greater reach, and leverage adds
speed and power. Approaching to disarm someone who's weilding
a weapon at you is not a fun experience.
Unless, of course, you have a weapon, too. :)
Anyway, as it applies here, could Ranma really catch the shinai
between his fingers? Based off of what I know of how it's built,
a shinai is intended to be swung, not stabbed.
I could see him catch a stab, but not a swing. There's not
enough strength in the fingers, especially closing like that.
Of course, Ranma *is* wild martial arts, and that kinda spoils
your scene. Still, since you're being technical on the martial
arts side of things, perhaps you should say what type of strike
he caught.
If it *was* a swing, maybe he hurt his finger in the attempt.
He could shake his hand in pain after the encounter is over.
[...]
Ranma half-smiled. "Fair's when I win." Akane's
exasperated look told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't
appreciate his wit, but her retort was interrupted by the dojo
door opening.
"Fair's when I win"? I don't know if I'm clear on what he meant.
"Scissors stop shinai? Funny way to play janken," Nabiki
observed, sauntering into the dojo.
Cute. :j
[...]
"Oh, just playing postman." [...]
SHE'S GOT A GUN!!!
Nabiki shrugged. "We were in math class and Kuno-chan
suddenly jumped up, stood on his chair, and shouted 'I can endure
this disgrace no longer!' He got bucket-duty, of course. I
guess he wrote this out in the hall, because when he came back in
he handed it to me and said 'Pray deliver this to that foul knave
who no longer dares show his face in the realm I defend.' Or
something like that."
It's a good thing he always has an inkstone and brush handy!
[...]
Kuno wheeled joyfully. "My pigtailed goddess! My fierce
tigress! Too long have I wended my woeful way, bereft of your
divine companionship! Too seldom of late have I beheld your
cheerful countenances!"
suggest: My fierce tigress, too long
(By separating "goddess" and "tigress" into two sentences, it
sounds like he's referring to Ranma and Akane. I think he just
means Ranma, right?)
Neither of their countenances were, in fact, particularly
cheerful at the moment; Ranma had a flat-eyed look of impatient
disgust on her face, and Akane appeared to be equally annoyed
with Kuno, Ranma, and the departing rain-cloud. As Kuno rushed
up to them they separated, whirling to elude his glad embrace,
then rejoined in his wake. "Oi, Kuno," Ranma said roughly,
"knock it off with the 'my' crap, hey? We ain't 'your'
anythin'."
Why is Akane annoyed at Ranma and the poor rain-cloud?
[...]
"To Saotome, curse his black heart!" Kuno fumed, looking up
at the sky and gesturing with clawed fingers. "The miscreant
holds the ancient symbol of my honor even now! Worse, he
ensorcelled two innocent souls to accomplish his nefarious
bidding! I hold this not against you," he told them, in a sudden
switch from rant to reassurance. "Certes it was not your will,
but his."
Ah, and there's the vocabulary word I have to look up. There's
at least one in each of your fics. :) Not including the
Japanese words, of course, for which I can't just pull out a
dictionary. [nudge nudge]
[...]
Ranma and Akane exchanged a look of comprehension. Kuno had
interrupted their second wedding much as he had the first, with
different results: undistracted by other agents of chaos, Akane
and Ranma had defeated him swiftly and decisively. They'd
disposed of the unconscious youth, but kept his sword.
Freud would probably have something to say about that. ;)
[...]
"Uh...." Ranma glanced at Kuno, then back at Akane. "Not
here, okay?" She addressed Kuno. "Uh, we need to, uh, confer
with our dark master.
^_^;
I'm thinking that it might be appropriate to capitalize Dark Master.
[...]
"Katana?" Genma looked up at the ceiling of the main room
of the Saotome house, frowning, and stroked his chin. "Hmm. No,
I can't say I recall it. Perhaps if you describe this alleged
katana...."
I can see Genma saying this. "Alleged katana." :)
[...]
"Listen to me, Son," Genma said, frowning seriously.
"Trophies are worthless. A true martial artist needs no symbols
to maintain the pride within. Money, on the other hand, money is
useful. What greater purpose can a trophy serve than to provide
a little cash to obtain the necessities of life, eh? To keep
body and soul together? And perhaps to purchase a few little
luxuries to make a man's life worth living--"
[wipes away tear]. Genma is so wise!
[...]
"You idiot! It's gotta be worth five times that!" Ranma
yelled right into her father's face.
Ungrateful son!
[...]
Ranma looked abashed. "Well, that's different. Sorry,
Pops."
"I accept your apology, Son," Genma said, straightening his
gi.
That man is so forgiving! Ranma doesn't deserve him for a father!
"A good wife knows to extract any odd sums her husband might
be holding out," Nodoka continued blithely. Ranma and Akane
renewed their glares at Genma. "But only when the needs of the
household require it, of course. Otherwise it's best to leave
them a little, dear." She patted Akane on the arm and smiled
confidentially. [...]
Ranma: Um... Was I supposed to hear that? ^_^;
"Damn right there's a problem! It wasn't his katana! It
was ours!" Ranma protested.
punc: Damn right, there's
(I think.)
[...]
"It's safe from YOU," Ranma spat. Genma gave her a wounded
look.
No doubt because of the acid saliva. [nod nod]
[...]
Nodoka gained a worried look. "Oh, my," she said finally.
"That does put a different face on things, doesn't it." She
shrugged ruefully at Genma. "Well, there's no help for it, dear.
I'll just go get the first-aid kit, shall I?" She turned and
left.
Well, that was rather cruel. ^_^;
[...]
"We won't be long," Akane assured him, looking around. A
spear on the wall caught her attention. "Um, about this
yari...."
"Not for sale," the pawnbroker said.
Akane: But I can use it! Didn't you hear what I told Ranma,
before? That was supposed to be foreshadowing! [pout]
Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to do kyudo metioned
anywhere else with an English equivalent...
[...]
"Oh, no," the man said, staring at the ticket. He looked up
at Akane and essayed a polite smile, but it didn't quite come
off. "Er, there's a little problem...."
suggest: Er, There's a problem with that....
(Make 'em tremble at that phrase. ;)
[...]
"Oh, God," Sato moaned. "Tendo Kasumi's sister and Saotome
Nodoka's daughter-in-law. 'Trouble' doesn't begin to cover it.
I'm going to hell for this, I just know it."
If you're capitalizing God, you should probably capitalize Hell,
too.
[...]
The next afternoon after school, Kasumi came out into the
hall while Ranma and Akane were taking off their shoes. "Welcome
back," she said pleasantly, holding out an envelope. "A nice man
left a letter for you."
"How nice?" Ranma asked as Akane took the letter.
Kasumi lowered her head, blushing a little. "He was very
polite."
Akane looked up. "Was he young?"
"Well, not too young...."
"Aha. Handsome?"
"Oh, my, yes."
Akane: Built?
Kasumi: Well, I wasn't sure at first, but after I 'accidentally'
spilled a drink into his lap and started to clean it off...
^_^
Akane broke into a smile. "Go, Kasumi! I knew you could
find someone better than Taro-kun!"
Let's see, if Kasumi likes older men, and martial-artists,
there's always Happo-- urk! [sounds of Doug being bludgeoned]
[...]
Ranma ignored the diminutive. "You never used to talk like
that, Kasumi."
[...]
Kasumi smiled. "Well, Ranma, for a long time there were
guests in the house, and I had to mind my manners."
Take One:
"But now I don't have to pretend, anymore!" she winked, scratching
her butt, and belching.
Take Two:
"But, now," she grinned ferally , "I don't have to keep up...
Appearances, anymore."
[...]
"Over my dead body," Akane told him. "You're married now.
No more flirting with guys who don't know you're not a real
girl."
Ranma: [sighing with relief] Well, at least I can still flirt
with Kuno and Ryoga!
[...]
"What would you like broken? I mean it, Ranma. I never
liked the way you behaved when Kuno-kun had something you wanted.
I put up with it before, but now I don't have to." Akane turned
away, opened the gate, and headed for the mansion's front door.
Her knock was answered quickly; the door swung open on a slender,
immaculately groomed man a few years older than they were,
wearing a man's kimono of dark cloth.
Well, this seems rather... mean of Akane. Not the sentiment of
not wanting him to flirt, but laying down an ultimatum(!) I don't
recall Akane premeditively planning violence. Normally it's
quite spontaneous.
[...]
"Not at all. If you would be so kind as to come this way?"
Masanori led them through halls exquisitely appointed in the old
style to a sitting room furnished with a low table. He crossed
the room and slid open the shoji on the far side, revealing a
small garden. "Please make yourselves comfortable. I will
inform the young master that you are here." He bowed and
departed.
Could you tell us what "the old style" is?
"Nice place," Ranma said, seating himself at the table. "A
bit Kuno-ish for my taste, though...."
Kuno-equse?
Kuno-ey?
Kuno-rific?
Kuno-tastic?
"Well, I think it's very pleasant," Akane said. "Before
certain people and their pandas started sparring in it, our
garden was almost this nice. I'll bet his koi aren't terrified,
either."
What are you talking about? The Tendo koi are bad-asses! Their
martial arts training is quite devloped. I mean, they've survived
this long...
[...]
"Ah. I may have to resort to something similar. Perhaps,
if we become friends, you could tell me how it worked for
you...." Kotaro trailed off shyly. He picked a sheet of colored
paper off the table and began to fold it, his hands moving
quickly despite the fact that he wasn't looking down at them.
Let me get this straight. He's trying to get an arranged marriage
as successful as Ranma and Akane's? :j
"Friends?" Akane said, a little surprised. "I don't see why
not... but why would you need to arrange a marriage? You're well-
off if this house is any indication, you look healthy...." [...]
Akane: You look like you know how to... use a sword...
"You're too kind," Kotaro repeated. He set the small figure
he'd folded from the paper on the table before Ranma. "There, a
horse for Ranma-san."
And he did that without looking? Those things are SO hard! ;_;
It took me forever to make a rat, looking repeatedly back and
forth between my mess and the book.
[...]
Folding a little paper car, Kotaro spoke of the automobile
accident that had killed his parents and left him sightless. In
turn, Akane and Ranma told the tale of Kuno's attempted
intervention in their wedding. "So Ranma's father pawned the
katana when he had no right to," Akane finished.
For Ranma, a paper horse. For Akane, a paper cause-of-my-
blindness?
[...]
"Both. I also practice iaido, as an aid to contemplation.
Not to be confused with iai-iaio. :j
As if I need to say it, I have no idea what he's talking about.
[...]
"But it's not fair!"
"I could tie one arm behind my back," Kotaro offered.
Cute. :j
[...]
"Oh, rats," came Akane's voice. "This isn't going to be
much fun for the spectators. I can't see a thing."
Masanori: Infrared goggles, ma'am?
Akane: Why, thank you!
[...]
Moving silently sideways in the darkness, Ranma remembered
Genma's training, which had not neglected fighting without
vision. *Use the other senses, hearing most of all. [...]
I thought that was the stomach. ;)
[...]
It was the whisper of cloth that alerted him just in time to
spring away; he heard the swish of the wooden blade, but the
intent that should have warned him... hadn't. *He's masking his
aura! Doing a damn good job, too.*
suggest: "battle aura"
or: "fighting spirit"
(Aura sounds vague, like "the force." I would stick to
terminology from Ranma, or the actual Japanese term, if you
know what it is. You've already used a lot of other technical
Japanese terms in the story.)
[...]
Whack! "Ow!"
Of course, feeling the strike, and hearing Ranma, Kotaro was
better able to determine his location and attacked again, before
he could lose him:
Whack! "Ow!" Whack! "Ow!" Whack! "Ow!" Whack! "Ow!"
Meanwhile, Akane strained to prevent herself from jumping in.
*Beating up Ranma is MY job!*
[...]
Ranma expanded his aura as far as it would go, sweeping for
Kotaro with it, and immediately found that Kotaro was doing the
same thing. "Yipe!" He dodged the bokken and took the opening.
Ugh. This *is* beginning to sound like the force.
It's not an application of "aura", but couldn't he just "expand
his senses"? This is pretty standard fare in martial arts movies,
and isn't vaguely defined as "aura".
Sure, it amounts to the same thing, but it's weird seeing all
your technical descriptions of the weapons, styles, and forms,
and then you talk about "aura." It's a really uneven coverage
of martial arts.
[...]
Whack! "Yowch! You sneaky bastard, you faked me out with
your aura!"
In Lone Wolf and Cub, they explained the premise of something like
the intent to kill. Or do harm, one might suppose. There was the
concept of this hostility, or focus, being a presense that a
trained martial artist can detect as an oppresive force.
Presumably a clever-enough person who is focussed enough to suppress
their intent, could throw off a false intent. Pretend to attack
one way, while really attacking another. A basic feint, but at
another level.
[...]
"Damn straight," Ranma said grimly. "I'm not quitting 'til
I get this figured out." He heard Akane mutter something about
testosterone.
Something about draining some off when she gets home?
[...]
*I could beat this with Umi-sen-ken,* Ranma thought, *but do
I want to? Nah. Let's see who fakes who.* He sent his aura out
again and sought for Kotaro. When the false attack came he
evaded it, listening and feeling for body and blade, learning to
recognize the patterns of deception....
Whap! "Gotcha!" Ranma crowed.
How? You don't describe the "aha!" moment where he somehow figures
out how to detect the real Kotaro.
[...]
"Ready."
"Begin!"
Hmm. I should have mentioned this before, but I was snipping just
a little bit too happily. Are you sure you don't want to use
"hajime," what with all the other Japanese?
[...]
"What a fine idea," Kotaro said slowly. "It doesn't seem
proper to return the katana to Sato-san for a refund, nor to sell
it to you. I will entertain a challenge for it, though."
Uh... I fail to see Kataro's logic for why "it doesn't seem proper"
to sell it back. He seemed sympathetic to their explanation, and
must certainly believe they merit the sword, based off Ranma's skill.
I can see it just being a lonely guy making an excuse to possibly
meet them again, but if so, it could be cleared up.
[...]
"No, not money. What I would like most of all is... well...
this." Kotaro gestured vaguely. "Let us say that if you--
whichever one of you loses the match, you will be my guest here
for the next four Sundays to spar with me."
"Jeez, for a minute there I thought you were gonna ask for a
date...."
Kotaro: [littlesweat] Mental note: Don't take them to dinner
and dancing after sparring.
[...]
"I hope you will not be offended by this request, but... I
have not seen your face, and I would very much like to. May I,
well, touch your face?"
Ranma: That better not be some sorta euphemism... [smoulder]
[...]
Kotaro reached out slowly and touched Akane's face gently.
His fingers were not soft, Akane noticed, any more than hers
were, or Ranma's; they were hardened with smooth callus. His
touch was delicate, though, and surprisingly pleasant. *Oh, my.
I wish Ranma would touch me like this....* The fingers traced
over Akane's face and withdrew.
suggest: they were hardened and callused.
(Looking at a dictionary and the AMA Family Medical Guide, I don't
think "callus" can be used that way.)
[...]
"What a nice guy," Akane remarked on the way home.
"Yeah. Nice."
Ranma's socialization never dealt with nice guys. They were always
attacking him or trying to take advantage of him. Don't feel bad
for him; he simply doesn't know *how* to react. ;)
"Well, he's polite, but not deluded like Kuno-kun. He's not
a lecher. And I thought his offer was very gallant."
Not deluded? Not a lecher? High praise, indeed, Akane. ^_^;
[...]
"If we treat him right, he could be a good friend. We need
all the friends we can get. And he's a guy, too."
Collect all 150...
[...]
Around the middle of the next morning, it occurred to Akane
that she hadn't seen Ranma in a while. She looked for him in all
the usual places, then went where everyone went when something
was missing: wherever Kasumi happened to be. [...]
Of course, when the thing that's missing is Kasumi, panic sets in...
"If he is, he's perfected a new way to hide," Akane said.
"Was he male or female when you saw him last?"
suggest: a boy or a girl
(People rarely use "male" and "female" in normal conversation.)
(And no comments on the normality of this conversation! ;)
[...]
She was back in under a minute, fuming. "He's gone," she
stated. "He took my kendo bogu. Oh, I'm gonna clobber him so
bad!"
Bogu? That some sort of poisionous staff? ^_^
[...]
"Yeah, uh, yes, of course," the masked figure said in a
voice which was definitely female but didn't sound quite like
Akane's. "Can't you tell? Honestly, some people."
Another one of Ranma's flawless disguises, I see. All we need
are a pair of dark glasses and breathing mask. "Uh, Miss Tendo,
why are you wearing those over your helmet...?" ^_^;;;
Complete aside: can anyone tell me where to find the fic where
Nabiki has a candid video tape of Ranma dressed in Akane's school
uniform looking in the mirror? "Who are you calling uncute, you
jerk!"
[...]
Kotaro came in a few minutes later, attired in kendogi and
hakama. "Good morning, Akane-san," he said. "Masanori, help me
with the bogu, will you?"
Is the proper romanization kendogi? And presumably karategi, etc.?
I would have thought they would be two words.
[...]
"That's too bad. I was looking forward to meeting him
again. It seems strange that he wouldn't come to see you
compete." Kotaro cocked his head in a different direction.
"Masanori, I believe someone is at the door." He listened again.
"Someone quite strong."
Perhaps an explanation of this proclamation? Say, that even
Ranma could faintly hear the pounding of the far-away door?
[...]
Masanori came back into the dojo with company; amazingly,
his composure had not cracked. "Saotome Akane-san," he
announced.
"RRRAAANNNMMMAAA!!"
What, no, "Ranma? Who's Ranma?" from 'Akane'? ;)
[...]
Akane stomped over to the figure in bogu, who had retreated
to the far wall, and ripped off its mask.
"It appears to be a pigtailed girl, young master," Masanori
observed.
Kotaro: Ooh, I've always wanted one of those. All true kendo
masters need one. [nod sagely]
[...]
"Sorry for the disturbance," Akane said tightly to Kotaro
and Masanori. "Excuse me." She stomped back out, dragging an
unconscious girl in bogu by the pigtail and carrying a mask and
shinai in the other hand.
You've used the word "bogu" quite a few times, now.
Are their other terms you could use, for variety?
Kotaro and Masanori exchanged glances... or, rather, a
glance. "I'll just see them out," Masanori volunteered.
"By all means."
I got the impression the first time I read this (obviously too
fast) that the young master was kicking them out. Perhaps it's
becuase there's no reaction of surprise of confusion from
Kotaro, so I assumed he was peeved.
[...One day later...]
"You were just treating me like dirt! INCOMPETENT dirt!
STUPID dirt! Not only did you DO it, you thought you could get
AWAY with it!" Akane paused and eyed her. "Why on earth did you
try to pretend you were me? Why didn't you just take the other
bogu from the dojo and go as a guy?"
Hmm. I'm not sure I would classify what Ranma did as treating
Akane like dirt. Incompetant, yes, but not dirt (stupid or
otherwise).
"Uh--" Ranma looked thunderstruck. "I dunno. It seemed
like the thing to do at the time?"
suggest: looked dumbfounded
(I thought the thunderstuck expression meant he he suddently
understood WHY Akane was upset. Silly me. :)
[...]
Akane shook her head. "You moron. I can't believe the
nerve of you, just taking it on yourself to meet Kotaro-san's
challenge, when you knew I wanted it!"
suggest: taking it upon yourself
(Is that the right word?)
[...]
"Hey, fair's fair," Ranma said smugly, exploiting her thin
advantage. "Tell ya what, I'll arm-wrestle you for it."
Akane: Okay. Just wait until after I have my noodles. ;)
"No," Akane said suddenly. "Hasegawa-sensei's way is
better. We'll settle this with a kendo match between us.
Whoever wins has the best chance of winning Kotaro-san's
challenge. It makes sense."
"Arm-wrestling," Ranma said stubbornly.
How very... Ranma. :j
[...]
Ranma's face twitched, then settled into a hard, confident
smirk. "You're on." Looking into her cold gray eyes, Akane felt
two conflicting emotions: the now-familiar electric thrill of
Ranma taking her seriously, but stronger than ever before... and
the visceral knowledge that if Ranma really did take her
seriously, she would have all the chance of a rabbit cornered by
a tiger.
I dunno. Put a frail little thing in front angry felines
enough times and you might be surprised! >;)=
"This is dumb," Ranma grumbled an hour later. Resentfully,
he eyed the far wall of the dojo where Nodoka sat, summoned by
Akane's telephone call. Genma stood by holding the men, the
kendo mask with flaring shoulder-pads. He'd already helped Ranma
don the tare, do, and kote: armor-skirt, chest armor, and padded
gauntlets. Soun had done the same for Akane, and now held her
mask.
You know, this fic would work much better as HTML. You could
italicise all the Japanese words and/or hyperlink them to the
definitions.
suggest: holding the men -- the kendo mask
(I was wondering which men Genma was holding.
"Watch it, Saotome!" ^_^; )
[...]
"Agreed," Genma said disapprovingly. "The thigh is not a
valid target, Son."
Tendo: What exactly are you aiming for with that stick, Ranma?
[...]
"HAAAA!" Tak-tak-tak-WHACK! "KOTE!" Akane followed
through and stopped, grinning inside her mask.
"Point!" Soun shouted. "Did you see that, Saotome-kun?"
"A cunning strike," Genma agreed.
And why didn't WE get to see the strike? As Gary might say, you
can't just say "That was amazing" and expect us to take your word
for it. We want to be able to decide for ourselves that her strike
was cunning.
[...]
"Men," Ranma said in a low voice. "That's what that hit's
called, isn't it?"
Here's a strong reason for why Japanese is not a Good Thing in
English fics. Especially if the Japanese word is also an English
word. Especially when the English word could also be used.
And here I thought Ranma was about to rant about all the horrors
he's faced from amorous guys... ^_^
Of course, it also doesn't help that I thought the Japanese word
_men_ meant the mask. It's the same word for striking the mask?
[sigh]
suggest: "That hit's called a men isn't it?"
[...]
*You're thinkin' too much.* It was Ranma's sensei-voice in
her head, and in its wake the froth of her thoughts vanished like
so many soap-bubbles. A decade of Musabetsu Kakuto and kendo and
six months of Ranma's idiosyncratic tutoring came together in one
instant flash of void.
Point of curiosity: why is Musabetsu Kakuto capitalized,
but none of the other martial art names capitalized?
[...]
"TSUKI!"
Mamoru: "No! Usagi!!!"
[...]
"I won!" Akane jumped up and down, waving her shinai. "I
beat RANMA!"
I fail to see how this is exceptional. ;)
She beats him regularly.
"THE HELL YOU DID!" Ranma tore his mask off and flung it
aside. His face twisted with fury and mortification, he stripped
off the armor with six swift motions and dropped back into guard,
holding his shinai. "The hell with that junk! Try it now, damn
you!"
suggest: Try it now, dammit!
(This feels like an appropate reaction for Ranma, but saying
"damn you" to Akane...?)
[...]
"BECAUSE I CAN'T!" Ranma roared. "You KNOW what I gave up
to get this good! If someone who didn't sacrifice the way I did
can be BETTER, then it was all for NOTHING!" Dead silence
answered him. His tortured glance raked over the shocked faces
of his small audience. He dropped the shinai and darted out the
open doors of the dojo into the spring sunshine.
This is a good insight into Ranma's character.
[...]
"What about MY pride, Father?!" Akane interrupted. "Am I
always going to be following along in his shadow? I can't do
that! There'd be nothing of ME left! He's so good at so many
things, he should admit it if I'm better than him at something!"
Soun: But what about your cook--? Knit--? Swim--? Bust--?
[pauses in thought] You get better grades than him!
Akane: [runs off bawling]
[...]
"They were necessary," Genma said gruffly, pushing his
glasses up his nose a little, the better to examine the floor
before him. "If a martial artist is very fortunate, this will
happen: he will gain a student who has the potential to surpass
him, and eventually the student will harbor the thought that he
HAS surpassed his master. Then they will vie for supremacy." He
glanced at Soun. "You remember how it was with us and the old
master, Tendo-kun."
I'm always happy when Genma gets fair treatment.
[breaks down sobbing]
[...]
Ranma's mouth opened and closed. "I-- you-- gaah!"
I think you used "gaah" in the fight, too. I'm not used to
seeing it for a frustrated noise. It connotes disgust to me.
Specifically, I think it's the utterance of choice when
Happosai gropes the pretty girlies. ^_^;
Akane pressed her advantage. "Why can't you admit I'm
better than you at anything?!"
"Why do you gotta be better'n me, dammit?!"
suggest: Why do you GOTTA be
(Without the emphasis, it sounds like Ranma is upset that Akane
*is* better than he, rather then him complaining why she *wants*
to be better.)
"Because you're the BEST, you baka! Why would I want to be
better than anyone ELSE, when I could be better than YOU?!"
Akane shut up, kicking herself mentally from three different
directions.
We won't ask where the third mental leg came from. ^_^;
[...]
"Shinnosuke."
That one was harder to deny; Akane's palm tingled with the
body-memory of the slap she'd delivered to Ranma to keep him from
harming Shinnosuke, a blow that had hurt him more than any other
she'd ever landed in all their long, violent association. "I
just felt sorry for him...."
"Do you feel sorry for Kotaro?"
Zing! ;)
[...]
"Yeah," Ranma said in a half-strangled tone. Akane looked
down and suddenly noticed that his feet were dangling clear of
the roof-tiles. She put him down with a thump.
suggest: noticed that she was holding him over the edge;
his feet were
(It's not clear from the grabbing and shaking about that Akane
is actually *lifting* Ranma or pushing him back.)
[...]
"I dunno, it's like you're some kinda sex maniac or
somethin'...."
All the Akane fanboys already know that. ;)
Akane frowned. "Ranma, you idiot. I am NOT a nymphomaniac.
If you're going to be that way, when you want to get laid you're
going to have to--" She broke off; it had occurred to her just
in time that finishing the sentence with "beg for it" would
result in a lot of cold and lonely nights.
/jukebox Ojo Sama To Oyobi!
/nick Akane
Where did I put that whip...?
[...]
"Huh?" Ranma looked puzzled and not a little apprehensive.
"How'm I supposed to know if you're in the mood, if you won't
answer when I ask?"
You live in a much simpler world, don't you, Ranma? :)
"Maybe you could just make advances when YOU'RE in the mood,
even knowing that I'll pound you flat if I don't feel like it,"
Akane said carefully. "Maybe I'd like to know that you think I'm
worth the risk."
And don't doubt that there WOULD be a risk. >:)
[...]
His hands blurred and suddenly Akane was naked; her kendogi
and underwear fell in a pile on the other side of the room.
Ranma tossed her into the air and caught her, and just that
quickly his clothes were gone too. He pivoted, closing the
window with her big toe, then knelt and laid her gently on the
futon.
Did you mean "her" or "his" big toe? "His" makes more sense,
but I supose either is possible, the way Ranma is "weilding"
Akane.
[...]
Akane forced herself not to retort, not to reach for him,
not to give any sign of her feelings. She closed her eyes and
lay still with her head turned away a little, waiting for him to
touch her, knowing that wherever he touched her it would be like
air on fire... but what touched her first was his aura, sparking
and fizzing with excitement. With a gasp she let her aura escape
to mingle with his, and everything was just as wonderful as she'd
hoped it would be.
I was interested until the "aura" came back.
"KYAAAAAAAAA!"
Now, I must admit that I'm not up on my Japanese cries of passion,
but isn't "kya" equivalant to "eek?" ^_^;
[...]
"KYAAAAAAAAA!"
"Ah! AH! Akane!"
At last sweet mystery of life, I've FOUND YOU!!!
[...]
"Definitely wow," Akane agreed. She tightened her grip a
little. "I mean, it's always good, but sometimes it's...
better."
"Parkay!"
[...]
Akane giggled. "I'll keep that in mind." The issues they
hadn't quite settled yet began to niggle at her, though, and she
chose one. "Ranma... why do you let me hit you?"
Ranma: What makes you think I LET you hit me?
This is just one of the laws of physics in the Ranma universe.
It's all nice and well that you're giving Ranma an opportunity
to be warm and fuzzy, but would the same argument apply to
Happosai? Or Taro?
They're stronger then the other cast and still as as vulnerable
as anyone else to indignant beatings. Best to leave it lie
without explanation.
[...]
"So many wonderful things came from that. But it was so
hard. If I hadn't known you loved me, if I hadn't been able to
imagine how happy we would be, I would never have been able to do
it... and it still took Kasumi to make me face it. You didn't
know that. You just saw me come in and meekly ask you to teach
me. Dammit, Ranma, I HATE being meek!"
Akane: NOW AGREE OR I'LL STOP BEING SO UNDERSTANDING!!
"It was a hell of a surprise," Ranma admitted.
"Well, good. Now it's your turn to surprise me."
"I don't like the sound of that," Ranma said lightly.
Quid pro quo, Dr. Lector. :)=
[...]
Akane bit back her honest opinion and chose a more tactical
response, [...]
As I like to put it, "Do you want polite answer, or the truthful
answer?" ;)
For the second time that day, Masanori found a figure in
kendo gear on the doorstep of his master's house, but this time
she wasn't wearing a mask. "Good afternoon, Akane-san," he said,
bowing. "Please come in."
suggest: but this one wasn't wearing
(By using "she," you imply it's the same figure.)
[...]
Kotaro frowned. "I know your voice from this morning, miss,
but I can't believe-- How can you be Ranma-san?"
Ranma: I kinda pissed of Akane. We had an argument. There was
an accident with a knife. Let's leave it at that.
[...]
"See?" Ranma said to Akane. She stuck out her tongue at her
wife and turned back to Kotaro. "And stop talking about me like
I'm not here." She grimaced. "Look, come grope my chest. Then
hit me with hot water. You'll understand."
No comment from Akane? Especially after her previous remark about
not having to put up with him flirting with other guys?
Kotaro boggled momentarily. "Grope? I assure you, I would
never--"
Kuno: Commoners grope. Men such as we fondle!
"Great God in Heaven, you ARE Ranma-san," Kotaro gasped,
getting to his feet. "I don't know what Ranma-san's chest feels
like, but I certainly know his aura, his style... and his fists."
He shook his head in wonder. "Astonishing."
Consider my aura comments re-stated.
[...]
"So it would seem." Kotaro joined the others by the dojo
door. "Well, I wish you luck with your next challenge. Perhaps
we will meet again...." He trailed off wistfully.
"Well, of course we'll meet again!" Akane exclaimed.
"Honestly, did you think we would just vanish now that we have
what we wanted?"
Kotaro: That's what usually happens in the comics and anime...
You mean I'm not the obstacle of the week?
[...]
"Ranma... hai, sensei." In her own mind, Akane could feel
the need to avoid thinking about not thinking, so she thought
about something else. "So how badly are you going to defeat Kuno-
kun?"
cap: Sensei
(I think.)
[...]
"We could try demonstrating the curse... no, if he hasn't
got it by now, he never will. Honestly, how someone can ignore
something like that when it's right under his nose-- are you all
right?"
Ranma, still coughing, waved his hand.
Akane frowned momentarily, wondering why the first cough had
sounded like "P-chan", then shrugged, dismissing the matter.
:j
[...]
"Surely it is obvious!" Tatewaki exclaimed. "It is he whom
I must defeat to reclaim my honor, and it is even he whom I shall
defeat this day!"
suggest: and it is he whom I shall defeat this day
(Unless "even" is being used in some way, archaic or otherwise,
that I'm not familiar with...)
[...]
The onlookers murmured and applauded. Akane whisked the
cloth away with a flourish, and there stood the demon Saotome,
panting a bit and blowing on his fingers; clearly he had just
come from the infernal regions. [...]
Just so. :)
[...]
"Steel is the only fit remedy for such as thee!" Kuno
stormed, but he didn't draw.
suggest: for one such as thee
[...]
"Woop! Eek! Yipe! Ack!" Ranma evaded the glinting sweeps
of the sword by bare finger-widths, inciting Kuno to greater and
greater effort.
Uh... Can't Kuno apply a great deal of air pressure (enough to
shatter rock) with his strikes? Dodging by finger-widths is not
the smartest idea. ^_^
[...]
"You could start a collection," Kotaro said, rising. "At
this rate, it won't be long until Kuno-san runs out of
katana...."
suggest: katanas
(In English, anyway.)
[...]
Ranma half-smiled. "Hey, Akane. I was thinking." She
paused to see if Akane had a wisecrack for that, but wild horses
couldn't have dragged a jibe out of Akane at that moment.
Of course, you're going to hell for that pun.
[...One day later...]
This seemed like a nice filler peice. It was a good read, but I
think it lacked some direction. There was a duel with Kuno, but
to do that, they needed to get it from Kotaro, but then they had
to duel to see who would get to fight him... Quite a few levels
of indirection.
However, I liked how you addressed the issues of Ranma and Akane's
self-doubts. The second resolution was much more satisfying. The
first argument at school just sorta... ended.
The whole "aura" thing is a pet peeve of mine. I mean, some sorta
vague... whatever... that indicates attacks, can be used as a
mental searchlight, enhances sex... I haven't seen it in Ranma or
any other martial art movie or comic, so I don't like to see it
in martial art fics.
Looking forward to whenever the next episode comes out,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/ Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"