Plot:
At the end of Chapter 1, "it's been done".
Quite similar to "The Chaos Chronicles" from around
nine months ago. Few if any fresh ideas here.
Characterization:
Fairly stock; mostly non-canonical.
Story-telling:
Oddly enough, this kept me reading, despite fairly
frequent temptation to just delete it. I think the
switching back and forth helped this; you also didn't
let any one scene drag quite to the point of tedium.
On the other hand, by the time I got to the end, it
was clear that a number of scenes had no function.
Technical writing skills:
Needs work. Grammer and punctuation are both an
irritant.
The story of Ranma takes place after the battle on Phoenix Mountain
and before the fiasco-wedding attempt. After they return to Nerima,
the other fiancées have triple their effort to win Ranma and much to
Akane irritation. As for Tenchi, it's after the last episode of the OVA.
Why claim to set this story so late in Ranma continuity? Given
your characterizations, you want somewhere much earlier, and you
don't actually seem to use the late setting for anything.
Unlike her previous housing, this was a big change.
"This was a big change from her previous circumstances."
She recalled the conversation she had a week ago with her mom.
It was a decision that she made and knew it would change everything
in her life. A chance to start over with a clean slate.
**Flashback**
This is one of your key decisions, to tell this flashback. Note
that you didn't really need to; you could done something as simple
as:
Once again, Ranma thanked her lucky stars that she'd been
in downtown Tokyo during the earthquake that leveled Nerima.
Ranma'd spent the last month grieving; now Ranma was finally
ready to start his life over.
and then gotten into the meat of your Ranma vs. Tokimi story quite
a bit faster.
Most of this Chapter is concerned with typing up Ranma's loose
ends, but at the end of the Chapter, it appears that the bulk of
your story (or all of it?) concerns Tenchi's world. My point is
that you didn't really need to tie up Ranma's loose ends; you
_chose_ to, quite possibly because you've several axes to grind
with some of the characters. (The "Chaos Chronicles" did
exactly this, btw, but there the Ranma characters were much more
OOC than they are here.)
It was raining that night when he reached the house.
As Kent Hyam noted, there is no Saotome house at the end of Volume
38. It was destroyed in Volume 36.
Closing his eyes and relaxing, he played over some of
the events in his life for the past year. < It's been over a year and
nothing changed. I wanted to do something about it, but couldn't.
This is not an uncommon fanfic Ranma, but I've never found this
a very interesting one. And, as various guardians of canonicity will
tell you, it is neither like canonical Ranma to adopt this attitude
nor is it clear that Ranma _wants_ the chaos to go away.
The tone Ranma adopts here is self-pity and helplessness; it would
interest many of your readers more it Ranma went to Nodoka for
_advice_ on measure _he_ could take to fix things himself.
fiancees." He felt the tears welling in his eyes. "I want it all to
end. I want to start over. I want to go somewhere where I can meet
someone, make friends, and not worry if I'm going to get kill because
of some grudges or be engage because of some promised I don't know
about or keep a secret from someone even though I don't want to."
Ranma, given his life, has little reason to believe that life _can_
be different. No mention of ancient curses, legendary artifacts,
or unusual martial arts styles?
"Ranma, if the promise cause you or anyone pain, it's not worth
keeping."
"But, if I break the promise, how honorable can that be?"
"Being honorable can mean many things. A promise is only good if the
members involve act honorably.
Nodoka's description of 'honor' isn't very Japanese, and
isn't very canonical for her.
"First, I need to get rid of the Kunos. I think I can convince the
hospital to take them for examination on their sanity or the lack of.
Second, I want to form some legal documents and have the Amazons ship
back to China for all their involvement. Third, I want to break off
all engagements."
Why would Ranma think all these measures required? Is he just
out for revenge? If he leaves, the Kunos _are_ gone. And why
would Ranma think the hospital would take _his_ word for the Kuno's
sanity?
At this point, 'Ranma' appears to become an author avatar out to
dispense the author's view of justice to the various Ranma
characters. This is certainly nothing like a canonical
characterization for Ranma, and not very interesting as an attempt
to convey a non-canonical characterization for Ranma.
"Are you sure that is wise? To break off the engagements?"
"Very well, I'll take care of that. Who are you engaged to?"
If Nodoka doesn't know, or know how many, why did she ask if it
was wise, and why did she accept the plural so easily?
"Akane. She's engage to me since our birth. Though I like her a lot,
I think my feelings are wavering in the past few weeks. I'm not sure
how I feel about her any more. She constantly hits me before allowing
me to explain.
"A Tendo daughter" is who Ranma has been engaged to since birth.
A "few weeks" don't elapse between the Phoenix Mountain battle and the
failed wedding attempt, more like two-three days. And if Akane hitting
him for the past year hasn't changed his feelings, why does it start
to in the "past few weeks"?
"Is he the pet pig Akane always carries around?"
As Kent Hyam noted, this is an _amazingly_ acute guess for Nodoka.
"Don't worry, I'll have all the documents ready within a few days to
take care of the Kunos as well as the Amazons."
"Really? That fast?"
Ah. Competent Nodoka. This Nodoka shows up in fanfics fairly
often, despite her distance from canonicity.
"My grandfather?"
"Yes, Masaki Kameda, my father. He lives at the Masaki Shrine with
his grandson, Tenchi. You remember him don't you?"
It's "Katsuhito". I rather like the 'Nodoka-is-Youshou's-daughter'
conceit, though I seldom see some of its real possibilities
lived up to. For instance, have you given any thought to how
old your Nodoka is? Any previous marriages? Children?
Not knowing what else to say, he simply nodded. Here's a little girl
about 12 or 13 cooking breakfast and acting almost like Kasumi. <
This is a little weird. Oh well. >
Why does Ranma think this weird? You don't say.
Setting his backpack in the
corner of the living room, he headed for the bath.
What, no comments on the magnificent furo floating in mid-air over
the pond?
After fifteen minutes, he stood up and his danger sense exploded.
Turning to face the door, a female with only a towel at her side, was
standing at the doorway staring at him. < Oh no, not again. > That
was his only thought when he heard her shouts "Pervert" and what looks
like small wooden blocks appearing around him. Then, he blacked out.
While it certainly makes sense to open Ranma's visit with _some_
humorous misunderstanding, I think duplicating the original misunderstanding
with Akane could have been improved upon.
**Back in Nerima**
Again, you cut back to Nerima for no apparent purpose other than
to administer the author's chosen punishments. If you have any
further plans for these characters, you're not making it very
clear.
"Coward," muttered Ryouga.
As Kent Hyam noted, this is _not_ a canonical Volume 38 Ryouga.
This Ryouga disappeared during the 20s, certainly after Akari's
appearance. I'd really re-think your Ranma setting, if I were
you. How about leaving the Weakness Moxibustion in place, and
having the weak Ranma slink off to the Masaki's?
"In the past year, Ranma have been the center of attention. Though
some are more violent than others."
At that instance, Akane winced, but said nothing.
This doesn't seem right to me. Akane, when called violent, usually
immediately registers an angry surprise. She should have taken the
non-directional comment as pointed towards Shampoo. In fact, you
could have had a bit of fun with this:
Akane smirked at the indirect reference to Shampoo, knowing
she'd never get it.
Shampoo smirked at the indirect reference to Akane, knowing
she'd never get it.
At this point, there were mixtures of emotions, which were expected.
Nodoka ignored this and continued. "In order to start over, he has
ended all engagements."
More explanation is required here. Ukyou, Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane
are all too aware that family-to-family honor is involved, and would
not accept the statement on its face.
are some documents signed my Ranma. Because of my foolish husband
actions and his continuous dishonor to the Saotome name, I have pass
the honor to Ranma, who is now the head of the Saotome Clan which
gives him the rights and priviledges to make any decisions that will
affect the Clan." A lot of people gasped at the news.
Nodoka can only be empowered to do this if she, rather than Genma,
was the clan head. Nodoka can only be the clan head if she, rather
than Genma, was born Saotome, which you're already said isn't so
(in canon, there is good evidence that Nodoka was the original
bearer of the Saotome name). Alternatively, Nodoka could have had
Genma declared legally incompetent, but then the head skips her and
goes straight to Ranma, which means that "I have pass(ed) the honor"
is inaccurate.
"WHAT!!!!" The small group shouted in unison, except Cologne and
Nabiki.
This is starting to read like a bad MST parody or something. You
really don't want to have people shouting "WHAT!" in unison.
"NO! It can't. I know he loves me," Ukyou yelled at the Saotome
matriarch.
Canonical Ukyou is perfectly aware that Ranma doesn't love her; that's
why she schemes to separate Ranma and Akane. The "Tunnel of Lost
Love" plan _depended_ on Ranma and Akane actually loving each other.
"Again, I am sorry for what my husband did to you, but it is Ranma
decision. If you dare take actions against my son or harm him in
anyway, you are declaring war against Ranma. And Ranma is the union
of the Saotome and my clan, the Masaki."
Arguably, Nodoka and Ranma already declared the clan war by breaking
the engagement.
Cologne eyes widen when she heard 'Masaki'. < This is not good. >
(Sarcastically) After all, 'Masaki' is such a rare name in Japan
that Cologne knows immediately that it must be the same family...
Cologne hopped on her stick to Shampoo and hit her pressure point.
Looking at Nodoka, "May I ask you something Honor Nodoka."
Well, at least you're not using Evil Cologne. Your Cologne
is arguably canonical.
As on cue, Dr. Tofu emptied a glass of water over Ryouga before he
could say anything else.
<clip>
This just seems petty, at this point: revenge and nothing else.
If Ranma has broken off the engagement with Akane, why _NOT_ let
Ryouga have his shot?
Then, I met you Akane-san and fell in love. Please Akane-san. I love
you. I'll never leave your side. I'll protect you. I'll never hurt
you. I'm better than that honorless coward Ranma. We'll be happy
together.
You really need to re-set this story to before Akari's introduction.
"No! Akane-san! This is all Ranma's fault. He broke his promise.
He has no honor."
Akane stopped in her track, without turning, she said, "You have no
honor. You used my friendship, arrogant, and stubbornness to get
close to me and turned me against Ranma. Whatever friendship we had
is no more and will never be. You are no longer welcome in the house
of Tendo." She quickly left the room and headed to the back of the
house.
The P-Chan revelation, and Akane's reaction, has been handled so well,
by other authors (Lawson's DNR 26; Eddy's Neko-phobia), that you'd
probably have been better off omitting it. (Your slant reminds me
enough of 'Neko-phobia' that you may have read it and adopted some of
the ideas, but I think you should have left well enough alone.)
The three officers took Ryouga away to the car waiting outside.
Ryouga continued to yell at Ranma and threaten him, but the officers
got tire of it quickly and turn him into a pig.
This confuses me. Three ordinary policemen holding Ryouga against
his will? With his consent? Even in pig form, Ryouga is too
agile for most policement.
I do not condom those actions. You are a very bright young lady and well
gifted. If you tried such actions again and put my Son in harms way,
I will bring you to court, is that understood?
A particularly embarrassing misspelling in the first line, "condom"
for "condone". And I don't see the point of Nodoka cracking down
on Nabiki. How would Nabiki pull anything against an absent Ranma?
And Ranma didn't even complain about Nabiki in the flashback.
ready shortly. Soun and Genma will be here shortly.
How did Nodoka manage to get rid of them in the first place?
She giggled at his confusion and smiled at him. < He's really cute
when he's like this. Maybe I should help him out. >
<clip>
She lifted her arms and pointed at him and said in between laughs,
"You, of course."
<clip>
"I'm Masaki Ayeka. Nice to meet you Saotome-san."
"All right, who are you and what have you done with the real
Aeka?"
"Masaki Ayeka? I didn't know Tenchan had any sister."
"Tenchan? Oh, Tenchi-sama. I'm not exactly his sister you see. Since
we live here, some of us took the name Masaki to prevent any confusion
with guest, Saotome-san."
Some fanfic writers have assigned 'Masaki' as the family name of
the House of Jurai. Or you could have had Aeka introduce herself
as "Jurai Ayeka". It's not like it would mean anything to Ranma.
Just then, a blue hair girl opened the door and walked in. "Hi,
Ranma-niichan.
What was/is Sasami's take on the fact that Ranma's now male?
She already saw Ranma in female form.
"Well Ayeka, did you scare off our guest again?"
"I did no such thing demon," Ayeka retorted
"demon"? I thought this was after the end of the series?
"Meow."
< No. It can't be. > Ranma eyes widen in fear as his head scanned the
area for a cat, any cat. "C.C.CA.."
<clip>
Looking back up at everyone, he continued, "I've been training in
martial arts since I could walk. One day, my old man decided to teach
me a new technique call the Neko-ken."
As narrative strategy, I can't see the point of introducing the
Nekoken at this point. Where were you going with this?
"SIX!" chorused the group around the table.
"WHAT??" the group cried again.
"SNAP?!?!?"
"CURSE!?!?!"
This is what I meant above. Cut this out; it makes me feel like I'm
reading a MST of a REALLY bad fanfic.
Also, there's a plausibility issue here. Ranma was out cold for half
a day. What was Washuu doing, that Ranma's curse, or nekoken, or
anything else, can come as a surprise to her? Didn't Sasami innocently
ask about gender-changing earthlings, prompting an investigation?
Was Washuu too busy to even run a single scan of Ranma, even knowing
that he was Tenchi's cousin?
"Ranma-niichan, are there other springs?"
(sarcasm) Well, that would certainly be MY first question...
confused. Before he could say anything, Washu grabbed Ranma and
pulled him into the closet. We could here Ranma screaming from the
dimensional closet
<clip>
Suddenly, an explosion vibrated from the closet and smokes leaked out.
Stepping out of the door, Ranma and Washu are on the floor coughing.
<clip>
"Then what's the explosion?"
"Oh.that's Ranma-chan."
"Ranchan?"
"Yep. It seems that he's quite powerful."
This seemed like an attempt to be funny, but it didn't work for
me. Ranma's best Mouko Takabisha wouldn't scratch Washuu's
equipment if she were serious, and she wouldn't need to haul
him into her lab for routine scans anyway. Also, this Washuu
seems more like TV Washuu than OAV Washuu: mad-scientist-
explosions are a source of humor for the former but not the
latter.
"W-What do you mean? I'm the head of the Satome Clan."
"Not any longer. I have transferred the title to Ranma. You are no
longer responsible for any actions involving our Clan. However, you
will pay for your previous actions."
This doesn't even make internal logical sense. How did Nodoka
"transfer the title", given that Genma was head of the clan?
"It's quite simple. You will get a job. You will use whatever you
earn to provide for yourself and what's left to repay your deed. I
will no longer provide for you. You will learn to be responsible, do
you understand?"
Head bow, he answered, "Yes, Dear."
Stern, competent Nodoka is one thing; now you have a non-canonical
Genma as well. If Genma were the person to meekly obey such strictures,
he wouldn't have committed those deeds in the first place.
"You can start by trusting him and listening to him."
"I want to.but he's gone!"
Nabiki turned back around to face Akane, she spoke in a firm voice.
"Then we'll find him."
"Really.???" Small hope began to emerge.
"Yes."
"But how? We don't know where to start."
"You can try talking with Auntie Saotome."
This scene implies that Akane, and maybe Nabiki, still have
important roles in your story. But it's difficult to see
what these roles could possibly be, given how you end the
chapter.
life and only ends up in another. Why can't I have a normal life? I
Ranma doesn't even know what a normal life IS. Why does he
think he wants one?
"Meow. Meow?"
<clip>
"It's ok. I'm sure Ry-oh-ki understands."
Instead of saying anything to scare Ranma again, Ry-oh-ki walked up to
Ranma and gave him a hug.
The point of this extended scene with Ranma becoming accustomed to
Ryou-ou-ki also escapes me. The scene does not seem to accomplish
anything character-wise (getting Sasami close to Ranma?) or plot-
wise. It negates the original introduction of the neko-ken and
Ryou-ou-ki; if you wanted Ranma immune to fear of Ryou-ou-ki, you
could have just had Ranma notice the ears and paws in the first
place, and prioritize them above the "meow".
Sasami, he decided to change to topic. "Did you do all the cooking
todady, Sasami?"
Smiling, she replied. "Hai. Actually, I do all the cooking for the
family. Ayeka-neechan helps sometime."
He was more than surprise. < If Akane hears this, she'll be furious
in jealously. > "That's great, Sasami."
Why is Ranma surprised? Who did he think did the cooking? And why
does he think Akane will be furious? Akane is perfectly aware that
other girls are better cooks; she just doesn't like Ranma saying her
food tastes bad.
"Well, mine started when I released Ryoko from the shrine that trapped
her.." Shinji reacquainted his adventures while Washu used her
computer to display images of some the battles and people he referred
to.
Shinji? Did this story crossover into NGE at some point, without me
noticing?
Washu jumped in and said in her child like voice, "That's right,
Ranma-chan. Though I didn't finish my test, I did get some reading on
your powers and I have to say, they will be as strong as Tenchi Light
Hawk."
In Canon, the Light Hawk Wings are about the only thing in the universe
which Washuu has a hard time analyzing. She repeatedly fails to detect
Tenchi's ability to generate them.
"This is great. I can be the best in Japan."
Heh. Clearly Ranma has no clue, yet.
"But Grandpa, doesn't Ranma need something like the Tenchi-ken to
channel his power?"
Why? Tenchi doesn't need the Master Key to access the LHW; that's
why Tsunami told him not to rely on the Master Key.
"Yes he does and I believe Nodoka has it."
"My Mom has it? What is it?"
<clip>
"I don't recall anything like that. She just gave me her.Of course,
the katana."
<clip>
was surprise to say the least. Unlike the Tenchi-ken which was a thin
blade, his match the fallen blade on the floor exactly. It also glows
a deeper blue with a mix of crimson red. His sword was longer and
wider than the Tenchi-ken. Swinging the sword around a few times, he
noticed that it was extremely light and responsive.
As Kent Hyam said, where'd this come from? Has Nodoka been to Jurai
to have it made? If so, when? (In canon, she can't have been, which
means the katana can't exist.)
Any weapons will only hinder my attacks."
"Why's that Ranma?" asked Ayeka.
"Well, a weapon can be taken away. Once that's happens, the person is
defenseless. I can use any weapons fairly easily and I do know some
kendo, but I specialize in unarm combat."
"Don't worry, Ranma. I'll be training you in the use of the sword
that will allow you to fight with or without a weapon."
"Really? Great. When can we start?" Ranma asked enthusiastically.
IMO, Ranma shouldn't give up his prejudice for unarmed combat so easily.
***Somewhere in space***
"My Lady. There is a new reading registering with the Masaki."
"I am aware of that. It seems the Dragon of Jurai is about to be
awaken."
"Yes, My Lady. It is best if we intercept now before it's fully
awaken."
"Very well. Send Katasan after them and bring our 'guest' here."
"Yes, My Lady.
This is what confuses me. If Ranma is worth Tokimi's interest, why
keep Akane in the story? It won't work. One of Akane's complaints
is that Ranma "won't take her seriously". How is Ranma supposed to
take Akane seriously as a fighter if he is even more powerful than
Tenchi? Also, now Ranma has a Juraian life-span; how can he and
Akane possibly work out?
Overall, this suffers from the same major problem as "The Chaos
Chronicles". You clearly want to write a Tenchi story starring
Ranma, but you spend most of chapter one writing off all the
other Ranma characters. Why bother? Just announce that they
have been written off and start your story.
What hint you've given us on the direction of your Tenchi story
gives little reason to drag Ranma in in the first place: if you
want to write a 'Ranma emerges from his egg and slays Tokimi'
story, why not just write it about Tenchi?