C&C for the rest of the first chapter.
The main problem, aside from the grammar/spelling
mistakes, is Ranma. This Practically Perfect Ranma is, at one
and the same time, rather dull and quite unbelievable. He's
incredibly skilled in the martial arts, an adept musician
on more than one instrument, and does well in school. I'm
surprised he ever got a Jusenkyo curse - I half expect him
to be fluent in twelve languages.
He can even yell at people and insult them, as he
does with Akane and the boys in the morning fight, and they'll
actually listen to him and be convinced and feel guilty! How
often have you seen that happen in real life? Not too often,
I'll wager. Personally, I can't help but hope Happosai comes
along and really cleans his clock.
Later that night, Ranma had his usual talk with his Mother.
mother.
well. She was there when each of the daughters were born and when
had been was
their mother die. She knew it affected them all and she tried to help
died.
done to help the Tendou overcome their lost. "Please continue,
Tendous loss.
"Well, since they've discovered my curse, I've found pictures of my
female form sold through out the school. Some of them had me pretty.
er. exposed. I found out that all the photos came from one source,
Nabiki. I've also noticed that she been selling half-truth
has been
information to the student. I can't even find a place to relax during
students.
lunch because of her. She got spy watching all day long and selling
it to various girls and Kuno."
That last sentence doesn't make sense. Selling what?
Exactly how did Nabiki get pictures of his girl-side somewhat
exposed? In the manga, they lived in the same house. Here?
"Her? I don't really know what to think. When I tried to help her
fight the boys at school because they believed that they could date
her if they beat her," Ranma said.
The second sentence is only a fragment - there is no main clause.
"You can ask the idiot Kuno who proclaimed that 'who shall have the
right to date the Fair Tendou Akane if he defeats her in combat.' The
idea that they actually believed the fool is the amazing thing."
'who defeats the fair Tendou Akane in combat shall have the
right to date her.'
tea. "I just don't know what to think. I tried ignored her and she
to ignore
got angry. When she challenged me and I wouldn't fight back, she got
angry. When I commented on how she could improve, she got angry. It'
Does he actually think he was simply telling her how she
could improve?
Since she selling picture of me without my permission, is there
she's pictures
Ranma chuckled, "Thanks, Mom. But if I'm going to have picture of me
pictures
taken in that fashion, I might as well get pay."
paid."
"That's true. Model makes quite a lot of money in this generation."
A model can make these days."
"Yeah, that do. I mean, you see them in calendars, notebooks,
they (notebooks?????)
"To bad I'm not." Ranma snapped his fingers. "Mom, I got an idea. I
"Too
Ranma flushed, "Mom! Nothing like that! I mean, I could model in
swimsuit and dresses for calendar. If we can find a good agent, we
can make a lot of money. It's the best way to use my curse."
Oh sure. That sounds manly. Do it in your copious free time,
when you're not in school, or studying music, or training, or....
gather some documents on legal issues involving Nabiki-san miss use of
Nabiki-san's misuse of
your body."
Ooh, Nabiki can misuse my body any day!
the Tendou had changed more that I realized."
Tendous have Well, duh. That was
more than a decade ago.
the gate. Nabiki had a smirked while Akane had the annoyed look.
smirk
"End this now before someone get seriously hurt!" Ranma shouted.
gets
"Moi? What's there to end? You brought this on your own," Nabiki
yourself,"
It grew to the size of softball.
a softball.
"What sorcery is this? Release the Pigtail Goddess and face the
Pigtailed
getting tire of being spied on and taking advantage of. I'm getting
tired
really tire of both you Tendou!"
tired Tendous!"
you a wish or bestowed you the abilities to see their soul? Since the
bestow on you the ability to see souls?
that proclamation. You have absolute no idea who I am and yet, you
absolutely
already judge me. As far as I can tell, you're nothing by a violent
but
Turning to Nabiki, "You're nothing by a heartless mercenary bitch. Oh
but
'accident' water spilled on me. Don't think I blind to all the
'accidental' I'm
quickly. She started her walked home in silent.
walk silence.
This only fueled her resolved to make Ranma's life a living hell. She
resolve
Even his sister cheerful attitude didn't complete elevated his
sister's completely alleviate
When Ranko saw Ranma approached the school with shoulders slumped and
approach
body tensed, she knew he was not in a very good mood. She tried cheer
to cheer
eyes, pouting face, and puckered lips melted his resolve. He sighed
If she's smiling, her lips aren't puckered.
Ranko giggled as the kissed tickled her nose. She hugged her brother
kiss
Not far away, a girl watched as Ranma enter the front gate. She
entered
secret and still be safe from Nabiki. She ran through a list of name
names
By the time Akane reached the Dojo, she felt even worst than she did
worse
kept silent and ate diner with minimum interest. Afterward, she
dinner minimal
"What don't you explained what happened?" Kasumi suggested.
"Why explain
events up until what happed after school.
happened
"Why did you feel guilty?"
Because the author said so.
"Maybe you should offer to be his friends," Kasumi said with a smile.
friend."
"What happened if the one that's not a perverts and you let them
happens if there's one that's not a pervert and you let him
passed because you don't want to change?"
pass because
"I'm sure everything would work out just fine," Kasumi said before
will
yourself?" the voiced asked. Staring at the mirror, she turned away
voice
and said, "not really."
"Not
have to deal with the Tendou after this. When he made it to school,
Tendous
their shoulders were slumped and a dejected look. Ranma decided it
they wore a
Nabiki looked at Ranma and opened the packaged. She read through the
package.
first pages and her eyes widen. She quickly flipped through the rest
widened.
warned you and if I'm correct, you've already have something planned
you
her lieutenant returned the documents to her desk. She ignored
lieutenants
He didn't know what Nabiki might try, but with his mother help, he
mother's
something to counter it, but he's pretty patient. He headed back to
he was
but he felt he should stay away in the mean time. Right now, he was
meantime
more worry about Nabiki. When Akane came to class, he noticed
worried
when she entered. She kept her gazed toward her feet. Second, the
gaze
annoyed look was not longer there. And finally, when he caught her
no