Like the fic itself, there are spoilers in this commentary for the end of
Escaflowne.
S
P
O
I
L
E
R
S
P
A
C
E
At 02:57 PM 12/13/99 PST, Kus (Tanya Acojedo) wrote:
The door to the mansion burst open. A young woman, chin-length silver hair
flying in the wind, flew out of the entrance, leaving behind two outraged
maids and trailing behind her the cloth of an untied dress ribbon. She
laughed as she ran into the garden, her deliciously sweet not-quite-grown
yet no-longer-childish voice blending in with the chirps of birds and the
rustle of plantlife. Although she was tall for a girl her age, there were
some bright bursting stalks of flowers that managed to cover her from head
to toe. These she hid among, giggling softly, as the maids who had been
attempting to dress her scrambled about calling her name.
This opening nicely establishes a light tone, making the dark turn near the
end of the scene more effective. Nicely done.
Doesn't she quite remind you of that frightening Zaibach Captain?
Not so sure about this. Allen didn't draw any connection between Celena
and Dilandau when Celena first reappeared, so why would anyone else?
They'd also have to have met Dilandau to even do so, and he never really
seemed like the social type, either.
While Celena, disoriented and
heartsick, shivered in the warmth of Allen's embrace, clutching his soft,
yet sweat-dampened, white tunic, Allen threatened with honor, and some with
blade, to those that gawked to keep her secret closed.
Hmm. 'Closed' doesn't sound good in relation to 'secret', IMO. 'Hidden',
perhaps?
Eliste drew in another heaving breath to protest. Allen interrupted before
one syllabel
syllable
managed to escape. "I said, that would be enough."
Celena smiled brightly back up at him and let loose a whoop of joy. "Thank
you!" she cried, prior to planting a quick kiss to his cheek. A minute later
she was streaking out the door, a triangular smudge of brown on her bottom
revealing to her brother where she'd spent hiding herself.
"where she'd spent hiding herself"? Doesn't sound good; "where she'd been
hiding herelf", perhaps?
Ch 3.
I'd lose these "chapter" headings, as they're really only scene dividers;
labelling each scene as an individul chapter breaks the continuity between
them too much, IMO.
Her finger froze. The soft strands of hair unravelled themselves from her
finger and fell back to her skull. Unerringly she knew that she LIKED her
hair short. That it was attractive that way. That she was attractive that
way. Well, everyone should appreciate something so beautiful. A smile of
pleasure crawled to her lips as she gazed upon her reflection. Her index
finger found a familiar path to trace along her right jaw.
The scar, right? Nice, very subtle.
Celena bit her knuckles to prevent herself from crying out any further, for
fear of exposing herself to any overly-curious servants. Especially since
Allen would find her out.
Homecoming, at first, was a thrilling experience. Celena couldn't remember
ever having been happier at seeing the Schezar mansion, and it was more than
her long absence. There was an safitisfying feeling of security, of family,
that she knew she had been lacking for years.
The shift of thought in the second paragraph really doesn't seem to follow
from what's in the first, or anything in the scene before. A less abrupt
and more natural transition would be preferable, especially since this
second paragraph is only the beginning of a long flashback sequence.
One day while exploring the Schezar estates (one of her first valiant
escapes from the Terrible Eliste) she had been struck suddenly by a terrible
nausea. She had vomited violently among a grove of trees. At first she
attributed the sickness to that entirely unenticing new experience called
menstruation.
A wonderful turn of phrase in that last sentence; very nice.
She writhed in agony on the ground, as a voice as familiar as her
own screamed frustrated obscenities at what he proclaimed a prison made
flesh.
I think that would sound better as "a prison made of flesh".
Sunshine invited itself in from the windows near the meal table, making
pleasant a warm spring's breakfast. Celena ate somewhat like a rough
soldier, something of Dilandau that had unfortunately been carried over;
scooping things into rough piles before jamming them into her mouth.
Dunno about that, either; Dilandau always seemed to be more elegant than
rough, despite being the sadist he was. I can't really see him eating in
this manner.
Allen cast a glare at Celena. He received an exposed tongue in response,
which he grabbed. Celena squealed and flailed.
"Please don't do that, Celena. It's not becoming of a lady."
Ick. I didn't like this in Star Wars, and I don't like it hear. It's
condescending and approaches being brutal; I really can't see Allen doing
this to his sister.
"Because she's finally excited to be out. It's been nearly two years, and
she refuses to step outside of the estate unless I request it. Even then, I
know the only pleasure she gets is the relief when we leave."
Not entirely clear what the meaning is here. Perhaps, "the only pleasure
she gets is the relief when we return home."?
The combatants circled each other. It'd
It had (avoid contractions within narrative)
Although she hesitated at first, the deal was set, and they met once a week
after that, always in the same spot at the same time. At first, Gaddes spent
time watching her adjust to her weaker, clumsier female frame. Many of the
mock fights ended with her on the floor, ankle twisted from some root or
rock her foot had managed to catch, and Gaddes' sword pointed at her throat.
After several weeks of such training, however, Celena's (Dilandau's?) form
had resumed, and she was in peak form.
Double use of 'form' in this sentence. Use a synonym. 'Shape', perhaps?
(for the second 'form')
***
Good beginning, with nice characterizations of Allen, Gaddes and Celena,
and some interesting theorizing about the problems Celena might have
adjusting to life after the end of Escaflowne.
I'll be interested to see where this story goes. It's very nice so far.
Ciao,
-Alan Harnum