Okay, so did not quite get the formatting right the first time. This one
should read much better. Geez! What a pain in the kneck this has been.
Mike,
I have taken the liberty of re-formatting your file and am here
reposting it to FFML for you. Despite your rather unconventional
approach to writing, this thing is yet another laugh riot! Your
formatting (Yeah me, Mr. can't format ASCII, has solved your problem),
is off because you are using a fixed, right-hand margine. Don't do that.
Let the right-hand margin run ragged. Whenever you fix a right-hand
margin, you word processor inserts a great many extra spaces and what
not to hold that margin. This creates a file which does not make the
jump back to ASCII very well. Also, the only people that like text
formatted this way are the pointy-haired, corporate boss types.
Typesetters hate it. Pagelayout people hate it and editors hate it. If
you ever submit a manuscript formatted this way it will be sent back to
you or, more likely, placed in the circular file.
You are having a lot of trouble handling the point of view. For your
style of story, I suggest you adopt a third person, omniscient viewpoint
and stick with it as much as possible. I will try to point out the major
problems and I how I would fix them in the body of the C&C. My C&C will
be posted in a seperate file. This file is being posted so that other
list members will have something legible with which to work.
Characters thoughts should be treated and punctuated as part of the
narrative, ie, no quotation marks around thoughts.
Sound effects are not enclosed in quotation marks. I suggest using all
caps for sound effects, but this is not a generally accepted practice in
professional writing. Avoid the use of contractions in the narrative
part of the story, unless you are dealing with the thoughts of a
character or a narrator. There is at least one spot in this story where
such usage ruins the comedic timing. I have pointed it out. Emphasis of
speech, is usually underlined (not possible in ASCII) or is italicized
(also not possible in ASCII). When a character is speaking in a language
foreign to the majority of the characters in the story, said speech is
italicized. I suggest using asterisks "*" in lieu of italics and
underlining, reserving all caps for sound effects.
I have taken one or two liberties with punctuation and formatting in
spots in order to make the storyline clear because I was not certain of
what you had intended in the original. These changes I have made were
the results of my best inferences and judgement. My comments will be
enclosed in square [ ] brackets.
Having said all of this, I have focused upon what I know I can deal with
the best. For punctuation and grammar in general, I suggest you rely
upon the advice of Mr. Kleppe and CCMax.
Last, and most importantly, were I you I would not worry about any of
this stuff on my first pass at writing the kinds of stories you are
producing, save changing the setting of the right-hand margin. I suspect
that the way you are writing now helps you get a story into a document
quickly as you envision it and you should not disturb that creative
flow. Once you have completed the draft however, you should go back and
address some of the issues I am bringing up here.
Hopefully, and assuming that this piece is a a bit more legible to list
members, you will get quite a bit more of the C&C you need. I can find
little to fault with your imagination and humor, but you do need to
change a few things to produce good, finished copy. Again, I would
change nothing of my writing habits on the first draft. Let you
imagination run through you fingers and onto the keyboard just the way
it does now. Do not worry about any of this stuff until it comes time to edit,
Regards,
Don Granberry.
Chapter IV: Irresistible Lady-killer: Kuno?
Act One: Pig-tailed girl, I'm Hoome!
Ranma woke up with a well known feeling washing over his body. Danger
ran a light, prickling touch over his brain. Oh no. What now? Was Akane
going to cook again? Or was there going to be another high-powered
martial artist coming to town? It was days like these when he wished
that there WEREN'T days like these.
[I suggest re-writing the last sentence. One possibilitiy would be;
"Days like these made him wish there were not any days like these."]
A mop of black, unruly hair accompanied by a pigtail poked out the
doorway and stood still for a moment. With a sigh of relief, Ranma threw
his Ranma-decoy back into his pack. It was surprising how often it worked.
Well, whatever it is, its gotta wait. I'm hungry! With that, he flipped
on downstairs. Right into another day in Nerima, where the only
certainty was that things were always uncertain.
The pre-breakfast sparring match.
"HIYAH!"
"HWOOOAH!"
WHACK! THUMP!
"Breakfast, everyone!"
"AAARGH!"
"Thank you, Kasumi."
SPLASH!
Ranma smoothed her now red hair back from her face. This was getting
monotonous. With that thought in her head, she began to guzzle her food
down in a manner that would make a cement mixer feel nauseous.
The koi in the pond had long been replaced by specially bred
Battle-fish. These babies usually fell asleep when fighter fish nipped
at them. They had tough, vibrant scales and were so tough that they
could be used as body armour. They were still no match for the Saotome
Twin Splash-down of Doom technique though. The original five fish had
now dwindled down to a single survivor. Even that one was now a nervous
wreck. When Genma or Ranma walked into the garden, it tried to hide
under the water-lily leaves.
"Y'know," Ranma managed from between bites, "I have this really bad
feeling something. BIG is gonna come down today."
Genma looked at his son (well, that's a little debatable), and held up a
sign. "On a day like this?" He flipped it around. `What could POSSIBLY happen?"
CRASH!
"My pigtailed goddess! Oh, how you must have pined for my love! Weep no
more, for I have returned!"
Dressed in an elegant set of trousers and a pure white shirt, Kuno was a
little taller than he was before. He was, however, as lecherous as ever.
Grope.
Grope.
Grope.
POW! CRASH!
Huffing from the shock and rage, Ranma didn't even look up at the new
hole in the ceiling.
"Aw NO! Don't tell me it's semester break AGAIN!"
Kuno had been far more ardent on returning home than Nabiki. Every
little holiday he had he spent on returning home to Nerima to `court the
beauteous pigtailed girl' And the `vivacious Tendo Akane'. and the
`winsome Mariko' I'm sure you can imagine what he tried doing. Lots of
flowers, lots of gushing admissions of undying love to either Akane or
Ranma, usually one after the other. Once he even professed his love to
both at the same time. Ranma knew what he had to do. Half a dozen
thermos flasks went into a large pack. THIS time, he'd convince Kuno
that he and his `Venus of the pigtail' were the same person.
"Off to tell Kuno who you are again?" Akane piped up from her breakfast.
"Yep."
"Well, they say third time's the charm." Kasumi smiled as she took
dainty bites from her breakfast.
"I guess it holds true for the ninth time too, then." Akane turned away
as her fiancee's head grew a huge bead of sweat.
Ranma grabbed another backpack and began stuffing in more flasks and kettles.
At the Nekohaten, Cologne put down the letter she'd been reading. This
was grave news indeed. In all her three hundred years, she'd only
encountered such a horror once before. She'd nearly succumbed to its
sheer horrifying might. But that had been two-hundred years ago then.
She wasn't that young any more.
"Shampoo!" With an acrobatic, alluring bounce, Shampoo bounded from the
top floor to land in front of her great-grandmother.
"Shampoo here, great grandmother!" she chirped, terminally cheerful as
always. A cheerfulness that Cologne swore to ensure was never stolen
from Shampoo. She would never feel the effects of. IT.
"Great-granddaughter. I am afraid I must burden you." Cologne looked
around and then leaned closer to the younger Amazon.
"Psst-psst-psst."
"No!" The tray dropped from Shampoo's now numb fingers.
Cologne nodded.
"Yes," she said simply, "We must now guard IT. That which may spell ruin
for our tribe if it is ever released."
Mousse popped his head in.
"Is something wrong? I heard you drop something."
Both women turned to look at Mousse, then broke into ultra-cheerful
smiles. "Nothing wrong Mousse! You go back now?" Shampoo's eyes were
filled with stars.
"Yes, dear boy. Nothing is wrong. Don't worry yourself," Cologne tried
to imitate her granddaughter, with nearly the opposite result as far as
men were concerned.
"Okay, if anything's wrong, just call me." Mousse went back into his
kitchen. Something was wrong alright, even in her best moods, Cologne
would only call him by his name. Dear boy?! Oh yeah. this booked a
little sneaking and nose-poking. But for now, there was his new skills
to polish. Hah, he'd show Ranma that he could learn new tricks too.
Mousse rolled up his sleeves and tied his hair in a pony-tail. Then he
took a deep breath.
"HIDDEN WEAPON: MARTIAL ARTS COOKING! THE DRAGON WOK OF DIVINE WRATH!"
>From within his robes, Mousse tossed out a large wok. You know, those
large, rounded pans Chinese usually use to cook. It spun in the air to
land on the stove with a clang.
"THE 23RD STANCE! HEAVEN-CLOUD STIR FRY BEEF!"
A small bottle arced through the air and a generous stream of oil
splashed onto the wok. Bits of meat and spices seemed to literally fly
into the pot as Mousse's hands blurred on the chopping board. With near
chestnut fist speed, he whipped back to the wok and began stirring.
SSSSHAAAA.
Sizzle-sizzle
"Ouch!" Mousse pulled his finger off the piping hot wok. "Still need a
LITTLE work there." Gingerly, he ladled out the food and went in search
of a plaster.
The Kuno Mansion. Home to one of the lesser known aristocratic families.
At least, that's what the brother and sister kept on insisting it was.
It had more traps in it than any Nabiki Tendo-written contract. It was
big. It was impressive. It was also around as homey as the barrel of a
cannon about to fire.
"OHOHOHOHOH!"
A lithe form pirouettedthrough the corridors. Kodachi Kuno, practitioner
of martial arts gymnastics, mistress chef cum poisoner (adds spice to
the dish, OHOHOHOH!), and all around nut-case was very happy. This new
dish was quite exquisite.
"Even better than my creme de la arsenic mousse! Oh, what a treat my
dear brother has in store."
Kodachi beamed. All those happy hours of him frantically searching for
the right antidote after she told him what new stuff she'd managed to
slip past Sasuke. Those golden moments of quality family time. It was
almost as good as when she was around.
"Ranma," she sighed theatrically, a black rose suddenly between her
lips. `Forgive me, but my family must come first."
She paused in front of his door, the large platter balanced
effortlessly on the tips of her fingers.
"Brother dear! I brought brunch!"
"Ah, my twisted sister. Against all rules of reason, I have missed you."
Tatewaki Kuno, erstwhile Blue Thunder of Furinkan high, Shooting Star of
Tokyo University, the most gallant man in history *, and general
nuisance opened his door wide.
*Opinion is largely divided on this issue. Kuno thinks he's the epitome
of chivalry. Everyone else thinks he's the epitome of dementia, idiocy
and gods know what else.
"Dearest brother, you must be so weary after travelling all the way from
the city." Kodachi purred as she removed the lid to the platter.
Kuno stared at the food. It stared right back at him.
"Stuffed lobster, dear brother. Flame grilled to perfection."
Kuno's mouth began to water. If you had ingested the proper antidote,
Kodachi's cooking was like a trip to paradise. Still, he paused. Who
knew what horrible new toxins she had concocted during his sojourn?
"Sister, I have no time for your games. Verily, I can see the taint of
the poisons laced within."
"OHOHOHOH! I have matured beyond such childish tactics, brother. On my
word as a martial artist, there are no poisons within..."
Kodachi never got to finish the sentence. Kuno had already started
digging into the crustacean. A few minutes later, all that was left was
the shell of what had been a gourmet class meal.
"Ah, truly a masterpiece. My complements- ugh!"
Kuno clutched his stomach.
"T-treacherous sibling"
"How. how could you!" Kuno scrabbled to his feet, wobbling his way to a cupboard.
CREAK.
Within lay the antidotes to nearly every poison known to man, and a few
Kodachi had managed to come up with herself. `Argh.. B-burning stomach,
watering eyes.
"'Tis the vile work of number 23!" With that, he grabbed a bottle and
took a liberal chug from it. "Ah.. I am saved."
BOOM!
You could almost hear the chemicals in Kuno's belly reacting with one
another. Smoke poured out from his ears and mouth.
"Perhaps not, then. It must be number 16!"
He took another bottle and a sip.
BOOM!
"AAARGH!"
Sip.
Sip.
Sip.
BOOM, BOOM, KA-BOOM!
A blackened Kuno staggered to his smirking sister.
"Y-you have triumphed at last, evil sister,but pray tell me what vile
potion this be, ere I go to my final rest."
"OHOHOHOH! Brother dear! I already told you that the food was not poisoned!"
"You jest."
"It was simply an highly reactive irritant. Its much more fun if the
person scrabbles around for an antidote to a poison which was never there."
"OHOHOHOHOH!"
"Sister, truly! Truly you have surpassed yourself! I am proud to call
you a Kuno!" he said, recovering instantly.
Kuno began to tear at the eyes. It was moments like these when something
inexcusably stupid and crass happened. Happily, this was no exception.
CRASH!
"Stupid Kuno, why'd ya have to put so many stupid traps in this stupid place?!"
With cuts and arrows all over his body, Ranma stood at the door, still
hefting the two large backpacks he'd lugged all the way here.
"Alright, Kuno. I'm here to make an announcement. There is no pigtailed
girl."
"OHOHOHOH! Ranma darling, you DO miss me!"
"Humph! Vilest of sorcerers, do you truly believe for an instant that
your flimsy excuse could even SWAY my love for the pigtailed Venus?"
"KUNOOOOO!" Ranma grabbed the taller man and began shaking him. Then
bopping him on the head with a pair of mallets. That failing, he began
to pile-drive Kuno into the floor. Miraculously, Kuno was unharmed.
"Feh! Your black magic has failed you, Saotome. Now, face the wrath of
heaven!"
Just as Kuno was about to draw out his bokken, Ranma sighed and held up
his hands.
"Alright. Truce. Just LOOK for a second." Ranma took out a marker pen
and drew a triangle on his forehead. "See that?"
Kuno and nodded. Kodachi did too.
"Alright. Now watch closely. See? This is a flask of COLD water."
SPLASH.
"Pigtailed girl! Oh how I have missed you!"
WHAP!
"This," Ranma said, "is going to take a LOOOONG time."
She heaved a breath in exasperation.
"Ah, just get up, get up, get up! Try again!"
SPLASH
"Ranma darling!"
SPLASH
"Pigtailed girl!"
SPLASH.
Genma broke his concentration from his Go game. Some. some THING had
crawled into the dojo. Cracking his knuckles, Genma stood up, Soun
trailing behind him.
"Ever since the dawn of time. it has been the sworn duty of martial
artists to protect mankind from monsters."
With that, he rushed the gibbering form. Sixteen or so blows later, he
lifted its tattered carcass up for all the world to see. Then he saw its face.
"Huh? Son?!"
"Heh-heh-heh. No one can be that stupid! Twenty times! Right in their
faces! No one can be that stupid."
Ranma had tied his hair up in weird clumps and small pigtails, and had
written all over his bare torso. Genma looked a little
"I am Ranma Saotome, not the damn pigtailed girl. Same person here. Just
look at me, you morons," he said out loud.
`Oh no! Who could have possibly done this to our Ranma?! Boohoo!" Soun
began to sob.
Nabiki and Akane entered the living room, wondering what the commotion
had been about.
"Oh, this time you only took three hours. Did they get it?" Nabiki drawled.
"Heh.heh-heh. Stupid. No one is so stupid. Three hours. In their faces. Heh-heh."
"Guess not. Okay Akane, you lost. Fork over the 100 yen."
"RANMA YOU JERK! Couldn't you do even THAT right?!" Akane yelled
straight into Ranma's ear.
Finally shaken back to reality, Ranma straightened up.
"Hey! Is it my fault the Kuno family breeds terminal stupidity?"
The huge mallet swung his way, and Ranma barely dodged out of its way in time.
"Akane, that's getting old, ya know?"
Akane looked at the mallet in her hands, tossed it away, and suddenly
entered `little girl mode', eyes downcast, hands playing with her hair.
:Ranma, I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have yelled at you." She began to sniff.
"Aw, Akane! Please don't cry." Ranma took a step forward, unsure how to
deal
with this new Akane.
POW!
Ranma fell to the floor, eyes swirling. Dusting off her hands, Akane
smirked.
"Sucker!" Akane said to the prostrate Saotome now twitching
uncontrllably on the floor. "You're right Nabiki, its a lot easier this way."
"I'm glad to hear that. Now where's my 100 yen?"
Act Two: The Deadliest Weapon.
Kuno nursed his aching jaw. Why, he mused, had the pigtailed girl been
so wroth? It must have been the vile Saotome who kept whisking her in
and out of the shadows. Yes! Oh, the sheer depravity of the sorcerer! At
any rate, it had been a while since he woke up. He"d missed dinner, and
the kitchen was Kodachi"s domain.
At the university, Kuno had had to learn to cook, but even though the
containers in the kitchen were clearly labelled, he had not the
stupidity to touch them. Once he"d spied on his sister while she cooked
and heard her sing/chant "Pepper, and a little sugar. Lets bring that
wonderful arsenic out," while picking up the appropriate container. But
he knew her. Whatever she said, even when totally alone, was not worth
risking his life on. The only restaurant open at this hour was the
Nekohaten. Sighing resolutely, he walked in. Barbarian victuals it was then.
"Innkeeper! I demand -ouch." Kuno"s mouth was now occupied by Shampoo"s fist.
"No shout, please. Is late. Sit down and I get to you soon, okay?"
Shampoo managed to look charming even to a person she"d just punched.
As Kuno staggered down to a seat, Shampoo bounced away and soon returned
with a menu.
"Hmm. I will dine on. Heaven-cloud stir-fry beef?"
"Oh, is Mousse new creation. Very good! You take?"
Kuno sighed. A meal without poison. Or itching powder. That was a
novelty.
"Very well then. Make haste and cook this dish."
Shampoo nodded and went cheerily back to the kitchen.
"Mousse! Is first order for Heaven-cloud!"
"YES! Finally someone will appreciate my skills! WAHAHAHA!"
Mousse danced around in joy. Then he gathered the ingredients.
"Uh. Shampoo, do you know where Cologne keeps the garlic?"
"Hold second. I go ask."
When Shampoo found Cologne, the ancient was reading one of her old
scrolls again.
"Aiya, great grandmother. Mousse got order for Heaven-Cloud, but no find garlic."
Cologne was too deep into her scroll to pay full attention to her
prodigy.
"Its in the safe we always use," she muttered.
Shampoo never questioned her great-grandmother when she was like this.
If she said it was in the safe, it was in the safe. She nodded once and
ran down to get it. As she grabbed the large box, she thought about how
easier it was to be around Mousse when he"d become obsessed with cooking
instead of her. Well, obsessed with it most of the time, anyway.
"Aiya, Mousse! Must be really special garlic if great-grandmother put in box!"
"WAHAHAH! Now, witness the true power of the Hidden weapon! DRAGON WOK!"
Mousse"s hands became a blur as he flung and flipped things into the air.
Chop-chop-chop
SSSH...
Sizzle...sizzle.
In less than a minute, he had the wok balanced in one hand and a plate
of beef in the other.
"Ha! I"m getting better already!"
Shampoo nodded absently. Silly skill for a silly Mousse. Who care? She
grabbed the plate and a bowl of rice, then skipped back into the dining room.
"Truly, I had begin to wonder whether you had forgotten mine very
existence." Kuno grumbled as he ate the food. Queer tasting. a certain.
mustiness? No matter, a warrior eats only to fuel his blade.
"Tis a strange dish." He muttered. "Truly unappetising."
Mousse, who"d come out to witness his own genius, broke into tears.
"Is okay, Mousse. Can try again. A lot more garlic in box." Shampoo
patted the weeping Mousse on the shoulders.
"How much does this sustenance require of me?"
"WAAAH! Go on! Its free! I"m a failure! WAAAAH!" Mousse held his wok in
front of him and then flung it away. "I"m not worthy!"
"Mousse no be stupid." Shampoo turned to Kuno. "Is. is. is free of charge."
Kuno blinked. "If you insist."
"Anything ELSE need?" Shampoo had a look of utter adoration on her face.
"No, for I must now go and rid the world of that sorcerer! Anon!" Kuno
swept
away.
"Stick boy is. dashing." Shampoo sighed.
Mousse had long finished sobbing and was now looking at the object of
his desires with curiosity.
"Shampoo? Did I put some of that love at first sight sauce in by accident?"
"No bother me, Mousse. Shampoo feel so. lost." Sighing again, Shampoo
perched on one of the chairs and gazed out the window.
Mousse frowned. This was not normal Shampoo behaviour. Ah well, it"d
have to wait. His honour demanded that he go practice with his wok.
Ranma tensed. There was a certain stickiness in the air, something he
couldn"t quite place. Danger? Not exactly. Something urgent.
"Ranma?" Soun looked over at his future son-in-law. "What"s the matter?"
"Nothin" much, Uncle. "S just something doesn"t feel right."
CRASH!
"Saotome Ranma!" Ranma"s something turned out to be one Tatewaki Kuno.
Mad, bad and quite frankly rather sad if you bring to mind the fact that
he still hadn"t figured out who his "Pigtailed Goddess" was.
"What DO you want this time?" Soun was getting rather put off by people
crashing into his dojo.
Genma began to frown. Oh no, another idiot to pound up? Just after
dinner too.
"Today, I, Tatewaki Kuno, shall rid the world of the monster Saotome!"
Emphasising his point, Kuno hefted his wooden sword and pointed it at Ranma.
"Again?" Everyone said in perfect unison. They turned away from the
idiot samurai-never-gonna-be and returned to watching TV.
Even Kuno couldn"t take this and he face-faulted instantly. "I do
believe you do not take me seriously."
Again, the three other men chimed in, "You bet we don"t."
Kuno fell over at that point, stunned at the utter audacity of these. peasants.
At that moment, the three Tendo sisters came in, chatting happily for
once. It had been nice to catch up with each other. As one, they
stopped. They then went through their typical, Uh-oh, here's
Ex-Upperclassman-now-Freshman-Ignoramus, phase.
Akane slapped her forehead and prayed for patience.
Nabiki whipped out her wallet.
Kasumi. smiled pleasantly.
You could almost hear the different bits of their brains shouting out.
"All systems go. Handling-utter-moron-mode is on. We have ignition.
Proceed."
Then, they swept into motion. At least, they started to. When they got
to around 4 or 5 feet away from Kuno, they halted.
Kuno was the only one who noticed this. He was about to launch himself
into another of his hugs when SOMETHING happened.
That something was Nabiki losing her cool totally and rushing him. "Oh,
Kuno-baby! I"ve overlooked you for all these years! Will you go on a
date with me?! Please?! My treat!" She squealed as she grabbed him in a hug.
Three mouths sprayed rice crackers and tea halfway across the room.
Three pairs of eyes widened as they took in the scene in front of them.
"N-N-Nabiki?!" They chorused. Even the stammering was exactly the same.
That didn't prepare them for the next shock.
"Oh, my dear, big, strong Tatewaki."
Akane blushed girlishly and looked up at Kuno.
"W-will you. EEE! I"m so excited!" Akane gushed before babbling on and
on about how she LIVED for him. Then rushed and tried to hug him over Nabiki.
Ranma"s jaw hit the floor with a clang.
"Hoo boy. this time I"ve really overdone the midnight snacks," he said
before he began pinching himself.
What happened next was enough to shatter even the strongest of minds,
even if only for a while.
"GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU. HUSSIES!" Kasumi growled. Footsteps like an
elephant"s seemed to shake the floor as she marched up to Kuno and his
admirers. With contempt, she grabbed her two sisters and threw them aside.
"Phew, at least my Kasumi still has her EEEYAAAH!" Soun"s smile fell off
his face as he saw Kasumi kiss Kuno passionately on the lips.
"THIS CAN"T BE HAPPENING!"
The two Saotomes hugged each other. Nabiki, maybe. With a lot of alcohol
and a couple of nasty bumps on the head. Akane, possibly. The girl was a
little spunky and flighty. But KaSuMi?!?! "Angel on earth" Kasumi?!
A full minute later, Kasumi removed her lips from Kuno"s. With a sly
smile, she pushed him away playfully.
"Oh my. What a big strong man you are."
Kuno stuttered for a moment before screaming.
"AIIEEEE! MINE OWN MANLY CHARM BETRAYS ME! I MUST FLEE! SAOTOME, ANOTHER
TIME!"
With that, Kuno turned around and ran through a wall.
Happosai leapt into the dojo through the hole. His sack of underwear
flopped to the floor. His eyes said one thing: Be afraid. Because I sure am.
"No. not again." He mumbled. He slowly clenched his fist. "NO! The
horror!" Like a building (imagine a REALLY tiny one) crumbling, he fell
to his knees. "It can"t be!" He wept. "The ChaojiHuahuaGonzhiShexiang! NOOO!"
The Saotomes and Soun blinked. "The what?" They really had this chorus
thing down pat.
"The ChaojiHuahuaGongzhiShexiang. The Super Playboy Musk. It is the bane
of my existence."
He went into righteous avenger stance, eyes looking up in
determination.
"When I was a wee lad of eighteen. I witnessed this. the great enemy of
all Chinese Amazons! There once existed a tribe in China, the
Chauvinists tribe, where the men were stronger than wild tigers. They
constantly warred with the Chinese Amazons, and one day. one HORRIBLE
day, they discovered this terrible weapon. The SUPER PLAYBOY MUSK! Oh
the horror. the terror."
MNSH.
Removing his fist from Happosai"s face, Ranma asked in a bored way,
"Okay, so its BAAAD. What"s it do?"
"The musk would attract any woman who breathed it. She would fall
mindlessly in love with the wearer. But, with one catch. It would
reverse the personality of the victim."
"Wow. so how come the Amazon"s are still here? I mean, Shampoo ain"t no
figment of my imagination."
"When the Amazons fell under the thrall of the musk, they became. sweet."
Happy shuddered.
"Undeniably, terribly SWEET. And helpless. Totally dependant. Exactly
the opposite of what they were. The Chauvinist Tribe was overjoyed and
absorbed the Amazon tribe. Then. it happened."
"What?" Happosai"s two pupils were rooted to the spot.
"All the Chauvinist Tribe men were pestered to death or committed
suicide to escape their new women, and the threat was destroyed. All the
remaining True Amazon women absorbed what was left of the Chauvinist Tribe."
"TRUE Amazon?"
"If left under the influence of the musk for too long, the change
becomes permanent."
"How long is that?"
"Five hours! It"s a horrible thing!"
"So why is it so terrible? I thought you"d LOVE to have women fawning
over you."
Kasumi tried to step on Happosai, but he jumped away just in time.
"Then where"s the FUN? It"d be all too easy! This old man still needs
his kicks."
Happosai shrugged.
"Happy to oblige." Kasumi grunted as she tried to kick at the little lecher.
"Oh woe! My fiery women will soon be wilting limpets! No chases! No
curses! No FUN!" He bawled.
"Akane! Let me have a good cry in your bosom!" He leapt to Akane.
As usual, Ranma didn"t react. Akane can take care of herself.
"But she"s not Akane now." His brain reminded him.
He snapped back to reality. The scene which greeted him was like
something out of a nightmare. Happosai. Snuggling up to Akane.
And Akane. No rages. No screams. No punches. Just. tears?!
"K-K-Kuno. help me. please." She whispered softly.
POW!
Dusting off his hands, Ranma knelt by Akane"s side. Vulnerable,
deflated. Not Akane. Just her body. Someone else was inside. Ranma kept
telling himself. Yet he knew he was wrong. This was Akane.
"Ranma. I"m sorry, but I love Kuno. I"m so sorry." Akane began to cry.
Not bawling, no geyser of tears. Just a quiet sobbing.
"Akane? Don"t worry, I"ll make everything better." But inside, Ranma
panicked. This was something he couldn"t fight with his fists. A threat
to his fian- to Akane. And he had no weapons to fight it with.
"Kuno! I"m not gonna let you destroy my Akane!"
Act Three: Trouble! No Cure?!!!
At the Nekohaten, Cologne wobbled on her stick. The gas mask was really
throwing her off balance. She"d almost had a heart attack when she
realised what she"d inadvertently done. Garlic. HOW could she have hear
it as RELIC?!
"It"s s in someone"s stomach now. Mousse doesn"t know who because he
wasn't wearing his glasses. Shampoo won"t tell me because I"ll try to
cure him."
She looked over at Shampoo, who had suddenly taken to wearing long,
flowing black dresses and staring out windows while sighing almost
continuously. This weak, angst ridden thing was no warrior of the Amazon
tribe. And it was her fault.
Mousse was mortified. He now had papers with question marks on them
alongside Ranma"s mug shots. On his target practice dummies. What on
earth had THIS pompous idiot done to his Shampoo! All her cheerfulness
was gone. If he heard her sigh one more time, he"d make that. that
PLAYBOY become a PlayGIRL.
"CURSE YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE!" A dozen small knives flew out of his
sleeves. Only one managed to hit the mark. The others slammed into the
wall in a perfect man-shape which looked just like the target. "I need
new spectacles."
Genma froze. Uh-oh. Here was something he hadn"t felt in a long while.
Danger. Well, not exactly. Something was wrong. He turned around. And
nearly screamed.
"W-w-wife?!"
Nodoka had had the misfortune to encounter some residual musk. And now.
lets just say that Nodoka WAS a traditional, faithful and honourable
woman. What she was dressed in right now would have succeeded in giving
Happosai a nosebleed. It had leather. It had metal links and chains. It
had holes where people normally wished there wasn"t. No way was Genma
going to let her go out in THAT.
"Yo, Panda-boy! Do you know where my little Kuno went?"
Silence. then.
TOOM, TOOM, TOOM. Grab.
"Hey! Put me down, fatty!" Then Nodoka broke into a grin which usually
only Happosai wore. "Then again, I"m supposed my little samurai won"t
mind too much."
However, that was the last thing on Genma"s mind. This little twerp had
gone too far. Not HIS wife. Not during his lifetime. Three minutes
later, Genma finished boarding up the guest room. Alright. He knew his
wife was strong,
but he wasn"t going to risk living the rest of his life with THAT THING.
Think Genma. Who has experience with this kind of nonsense? Apart from
the master? There"s that old bat at the Nekohaten, and Dr. Tofu. Genma
made up his mind.
"RANMA!" He bellowed. The doctor had better be in.
As it turned out, they didn"t even need to bother. Dr. Tofu had finally
managed to gather up the courage to come and ask Kasumi out on a date.
"N-now, Betty. Y-you stay here. OK? W-wish me l-luck."
Tofu Ono brushed back his hair again and wiped his spectacles clean for
the thirtieth time. He took the first step in.
"K-K-Kasumi?" I-its me, Tofu." The doctor almost lost it when the light
of his life poked her head out from the kitchen. Slowly, his glasses
began to fog up. "Ah. I-I-I was wondering."
"What is it, you spineless jellyfish?" She snapped.
The words hit Tofu like a sledgehammer. "W-what?"
"You heard me. What is it this time?!" She fumed, an expression of
inarticulate rage on her face. Tofu"s glasses returned to their normal
transparency. "I was wondering whether you"d like to go out with me." He
said uneasily. Something was not right here.
Kasumi laughed. A bark that would have been more appropriate coming from
a beast.
"Hah! With YOU?! Get real!"
She broke into hysterical laughter.
For Tofu Ono, his world fell apart.
DOOOOOM.
Gathering up what was left of his dignity, he nodded. "I see. Thank you
for being straightforward with me. I won"t bother you again, Miss
Tendo." With that, he turned around and walked out.
Outside, he staggered a few steps before slumping beside Betty the
skeleton. "Betty. I. I"M SO SAAAD! WAAAAH!" Tofu hugged his skeleton
(no, not the one inside him, the one he always carries around with him.
Honestly, some people.).
The world was not a nice place.
"There he is!" Ranma ran up to the bawling doctor. Genma and Soun
followed soon after. "Oh no. I guess he found out about Kasumi already."
Genma rolled up his sleeves and began shaking the doctor. "Wake up! That
wasn"t our Kasumi!"
"Huh? What?"
Ranma explained the entire thing in fast forward. A chalkboard came out
from nowhere. Diagrams were scribbled on and charts were plotted. All
the while, Ranma went on in speed-talk.
"Kunocomesincrazyasusualbutnothingreallyhappensthenhecomeslookingfor
revengeagainstthemalemeandhesomehowmanagestomakeallthegirlsgonuts
overhimKunogetskickedouttathehouseasusualandtheoldlechcomesinand
startsbawlingaboutthishorribleSuperPlayboyMuskthingie." He pausedfor breath.
"And so we need your help, understand?!" He panted. That short course on
Martial Arts speech making really paid off after all. Tofu looked at him
in silence. Then broke into another bawling fit.
"WAAAH! RANMA"S ALSO GONE CUCKOO! ITS ALL GONE! GONE!"
CLUNK!
Getting up from the floor, Ranma rephrased his lecture. "Super Playboy
Musk, ChaojiHuahuaGongzhiShexiang. Kasumi. Kuno. Got it?"
After a little clarification from the two older martial artists, Doctor
Tofu stood up, calm and collected once more.
"We cannot be having this. this musk out there!"
BA-DOOOM!
Soun and Genma suddenly seemed 12 feet tall.
"You"re right! We"ll show that little whippersnapper not to mess around
with us!"
"Uh, that"s great Pop. so what do we do?"
"I have absolutely no idea."
CLUNK!
Everyone except Tofu fell over in disbelief. Clearing his throat, the
doctor spoke.
"According to what you"ve told me, this relic is of Amazon origin,
correct? So the most logical place to start would be with the closest Amazons."
"The old ghoul!" Ranma snapped his fingers. "C"mon guys, lets go!"
Cologne"s stomach growled. It had been way too long since her last meal.
But with that idiot running all over the place, taking off the gas mask
would be the last thing she"d do.
"EEEEEE! There he is!" A number of female voices screamed outside.
BADABADABADA.
The sound of footsteps dying away, Cologne made her way down to her
kitchen. Alright, now how did Elder After-shave do it all those years
ago? Was it a little garlic, some mushroom. Cologne finally snapped.
"But you"re not supposed to eat the stupid thing! Just rub it on! AAARGH!"
"He ate it!?"
Cologne whipped around. "Oh, its you, son-in-law."
"Would you QUIT callin" me that!" Sometimes, Ranma"s dialogue could be
as predictable as the result of Akane"s cooking.
"Madam, I believe we all share a common goal. The neutralisation of this
musk which young Tatewaki ingested." Tofu Ono managed to project an air
of dignity even while holding a plastic skeleton 5 feet tall.
"Oh, so it"s the twit with the overgrown ruler. That makes it easier."
"What, d"you mean that you didn"t know it was Kuno?" Ranma blurted out.
"EEEEEE! He"s getting tired!. Faster!. Don"t run away darling!"
BADABADABADA.
"With that crowd of girls around him? Not a glimpse of him."
"But now you know his identity, so you can fix up something for him,
right?"
Soun sounded very eager. For rather obvious reasons.
"Alas. no."
"WHAT?!"
"Boohoo! My little girls are going to be this way forever! WAAAAH!"
"Why not?! This stuff should be chicken-feed for someone like you!"
Genma almost shouted.
"Because. the musk is supposed to be applied externally. Like a rub-on deodorant."
"But dear Kuno eat whole thing! Such tragedy! Shampoo no know who to
choose!" Shampoo sighed yet again from the window.
"Ranma! If you can get my Shampoo back to the way she was, I"m with
you!" Mousse looked up from his wok.
"Aiyaaa! Is great sorrow. Now poor Shampoo have three men to choose
from. No know what to do."
Another sigh. Ranma finally broke through the hubbub. "So you"re saying
you don"t know how to stop it."
"Sadly, that is true, son-in-law."
"Will you QUIT. Aw never mind."
"Hmm." Betty scratched Tofu"s chin. "But now we can treat it simply as a
foreign, undesirable object in the patient"s stomach, correct?"
"I suppose so, doctor. If you have a suggestion, do not hesitate! Only
half an hour remains before the change becomes permanent!"
"If someone can mix up a medicine to neutralise this musk."
Mousse almost started bawling. "Then my Shampoo can be saved!"
"But what medicine?" Genma pressed.
"From what you"ve described, the patient seems to have the musk in his
stomach. Therefore, we can assume that it gases from the stomach carry
up the windpipe and out from the nose and mouth." Tofu said
knowledgeably. "In other words, Tatewaki here has an interesting case of
early morning breath and indigestion!"
CLUNK!
After everyone picked themselves off the floor, Ranma almost shook with
frustration. "Y"mean to tell me all we had to do was give him a charcoal
biscuit and some mouth wash?!"
"Well, in the essence, yes. But I"m not sure it would be effective
against this magical artefact." Tofu mused.
Mousse thumped his chest. "WAHAHAHA! This time, I, MOUSSE, shall save
the day!"
Ranma"s foot somehow got hit by Mousse"s face.
"Yeah, how"s that, ducky?"
Apparently none the worse for wear, Mousse adopted a battle stance.
"Heh, witness the true power of the Hidden Weapon!"
A huge drinks shaker seemed to come out from behind Mousse. "HIDDEN
WEAPON: MARTIAL ARTS BARTENDING! THE JADE EMPEROR DRUNKARD REMOVER!"
His hands began to move at speeds nearing Ranma"s. Soap, pepper, eggs
and other unidentified ingredients soared into the shaker.
SPLISH, SPLOSH, SPLI-SPLI-SPLISH!
As Mousse kicked the shaker into the air, Ranma said in a bored voice,
"Uh-huh. And how"s this gonna cure Kuno?"
Cologne, however, wasn"t as calm. "This is the ultimate move of Martial
Arts Bartending. It will purge the contents of even the most drunken
alcoholic"s stomach, leaving him with breath like a bunch of roses. And
out of your bar in seconds. After all, anything that pure won"t stay in
the stomach for long."
She frowned.
"Funny, I don"t remember black powder being an ingredient. Not mercury either."
Mousse finally slammed the shaker back onto the ground, setting kitchen
utensils rattling in their places. He opened the top.
BWA-KOOM!
Turning his now blackened face to the onlookers. He held his fingers out
in a V.
"P-purr-perfect."
Then he fell over, his eyes a pair of swirls.
A wonderful smell pervaded the room. Ranma"s mouth watered. He jumped to
the top of the shaker and peered inside. "Man, smells good."
"No! Son-in-law, that is our only weapon against the musk!" Cologne
tripped Ranma off the top of the tumbler.
"What now?" Genma asked no one in particular.
"We hunt down Tatewaki." Tofu said. "And make sure he takes his medicine
like a good young boy."
Somehow, the sound of him grabbing Betty by the arms was more ominous
than that of a mercenary pumping his shotgun.
Actually, the contents of the monstrous container filled only a small
bottle. At least, after the martial artists hacked and smashed their way
through the outer crust which had formed. Ranma flipped the glowing
mineral water bottle through the air. They"d scoured most of Nerima, and
now were at a loss as to where to go next. Then it hit him.
"There is only one place we haven"t checked yet. The dojo."
Soun went into waterfall mode.
"My little girls! WAAAH! They"re being violated!"
Genma began to sweat. Oh no. please don"t let Wife have gotten loose.
The sound of martial artists leaping from roof to roof filled the air.
"Tendo Akane! At last, you admit your love for me!" Kuno sobbed. He"d
managed to lose his horde of admirers in the dungeons and mazes inside
his mansion. And now, his one true love awaited him. Well, one true love
for the moment anyway. Those of us who"ve read of Yusaku Godai"s
misadventures would probably be saying something along the lines of
"That"s Akemi"s nightgown Akane"s wearing!" Oops, let the cat out of the
bag too soon.
CRASH!
"Foul Saotome! You are ever the- sister?! Miss Kuonji?!"
Deep inside, the tiny portion of Kuno"s brain called Self-preservation
said "Oh no."
What the two young women were wearing would have given lemon-fiction
writers a really happy time if it had ever been drawn or animated. They
were the sorts of things girls only wear in the sordid dreams of the
most hormonally over-charged adolescent boy.
"I. understand." Kuno began. "How you all must adore one as magnificent
as I. But. my heart."
"TACHI DEAR!" The two women leapt into the air.
"GAK!" Kuno froze in fear as impending doom soared towards him.
CRASH! (Again)
Ranma smoothly kicked Kuno out of the living room. Straight into the
pond. The cold pond.
"Oh no. Hold your breath, Ranma." He, now a she, said to himself. He
hadn"t counted on Kuno giving her a full, passionate kiss the moment
they resurfaced.
"Oh, pigtailed girl! Have you too come to declare your love for me
too?!" He blubbed as he broke the kiss. Ranma almost balked. She wanted
to punch Freshman Frump out. She wanted to. to. kiss this WONDERFUL MAN
UNTIL HIS LIPS SCREAMED IN AGONY! YES!
The other martial artists arrived just then.
"Son in law!" Cologne cried out in alarm. "Fight it! Only 30 more seconds!"
"No! With Ranma protecting Kuno, we"ll never save my little girls!"
28.
Tofu looked at Betty remorsefully. "I"m sorry I have to do this, B-chan.
But Kasumi needs us!" He grabbed the skeleton"s left hand and swung it
around. Just as his own right hand slammed into its fifth vertebra.
21.
Betty fell to pieces. Literally. Pieces which zipped towards Ranma and
her samurai.
WHAPPA, WHAPPA, WHAP!
16.
Unerringly, the pieces found their mark and sealed all of her
acupuncture points, immobilising her. Kuno, however, was another matter.
He began to stumble to his feet.
10.
"Quick! Get the bottle from son-in-law!"
9.
Soun and Genma rushed forward. The distance seemed terribly long.
8.
Almost there.
7.
Soun wrested the bottle from Ranma"s rigid grasp.
6.
A large panda sloshed around in the pond, trying to grab a panicking swordsman.
5.
"Hold him still, Saotome!"
4.
"Unhand me, vile beast! I am -ack!"
3.
Soun slammed the bottle home.
2.
Glug.glug.glug.
1.
Glug.glug.
Everyone froze. Did they make it? Were they on time?
"EEEK! What am I doing in this?!" Akane wrapped her arms protectively
about herself.
Everyone sighed. You bet they did. You bet they were. Things were
quieting down. At least, as far as Ranma"s life ever quietened down. The
moment they saw Ranma, Kodachi and Ukyo grabbed him. Then Akane tried to
uppercut him without removing her arms from her. assets. It had been.
funny to say the least. Then the two girls noticed what they were
clothed in and ran away, cheeks flaming. After slapping Ranma for having
"tried to seduce them".
"Ranma, what was I like? When I was under that spell?" Akane asked
later. Ranma froze. If he said the wrong thing. it was hammer-time. "Uh.
not like you."
"I know that! But HOW unlike me?"
"Uh. not a. not a. not." Uh oh. Akane"s getting mad. "Not the Akane I
know and lo-like!"
They left their celebrating fathers downstairs and went up to their rooms.
Genma paused, his cup in his hand. He had this distinct feeling he"d
forgotten something.
EEEEYAH!
Oh yes. That was what it was. Climbing to his feet, he rushed upstairs
to the guest room. Ranma lay on the floor, a huge nosebleed spouting.
"M-m-mom.ha-ha.mom."
"Genma Saotome. You"d better have a VERY good explanation as to why on
earth I am dressed like this."
Genma sighed as he began to untie his wife. This would be another LONG night.
Kuno belched. Another beam of greenish energy lanced from his mouth and
incinerated a wall in the toilet. Whatever it was that man had force fed
him, it was fouler far than his sister"s most devious concoctions. He
sighed and winced as his stomach rumbled. This would be a LONG night.
End
Okay! Well, that"s Chapter 4 done! I"m currently waiting for another
idea to hit me.
POW!
Ouch. heeheehee.
Michael Lee