No spoilers that I can possibly think of, but....
Regrets
Gendo Ikari sat down at his desk, sighing heavily. The distruction of the
10th Angel went rather well, considering the fact that he wasn't there to
supervise it. That was one of the major items that Seele had wanted to
discuss with him. Why he was gone when an Angel appeared.
He'd fully explained to them that it was an unfortunate accident, and it
wasn't one that was going to be repeated.
They'd demanded that he explain how the Angel was destroyed, and he
complied. He'd explained that the now-Major Katsuragi had devised and
implimented the plan that was sucessfull in the distruction of said Angel.
They'd wanted to know what the plan was. He'd shown them all of the
footage that the cameras had managed to pick up of the battle, including
how Shinji had done the majority of the work, holding the Angel up all on
his own.
A cold smirk crossed the Commanders face when he remembered the looks on
their faces when he'd stated that he wholly supported Major Katsuragi's
decision and that he was pleased with its outcome. Thinking back on the
meeting, he realized that he nearly let too much slip, especially when he
started on how Shinji did his part. The smirk fell from his face.
'It's funny,' he thought, 'that the only way that I can express my
feelings to my own son is by telling him 'Good Work'. But...' he trailed
off, his thoughts flying back to the past, back ten years previous to that
day. To when he left Shinji.
He didn't know how he did it, put one foot in front of the other, leaving his
only link to the past and his love behind. But, he did it. Somehow. And
did he ever regret his decision?
Every day of his life.
Thinking of all these morose thoughts, he swivilled around in his chair,
and faced out of the GeoFront. Finding that he couldn't stand to be still,
he stood up and started to pace behind his desk. He knew that he couldn't
do anything for Shinji, no matter how much it broke his heart. Gendo snorted.
'Break my heart?' he thought bitterly. He knew that he had the reputation
of being an evil task-master, a slave-driver that didn't care for anything.
Not even his own son. But, he did. Oh, did he ever care.
It took everything that he had within himself not to call Shinji every day
of the week, to invite him to sit and talk, to make peace with the past, to
explain everything.
'Even if I got the chance, what would I say?' he demanded. 'That
everything I did, I did for him? That I left him all alone just because I
didn't want to have to protect him from Seele?' Who did he think he was
kidding? There was no protecting someone from Seele. They had their hands
into every little scheme on the planet, no matter how small. Eventually
someone would've gotten to him, to Shinji. They would've done so many
thing, so many terrible things, that nothing of the little boy would've
been left. The Shinji Ikari who would've come back to him wouldn't've been
the Shinji Ikari who left.
The pacing increased.
How would he explain to the boy who piloted Unit 1 that his father had
left him to protect him? How would he make his son know just how much he
mattered to the older man? How proud he was of him? Would Shinji even
listen to what he had to say?
The pacing slowed, but Gendo raked a hand through his hair and tore off
his glasses. He uncerimoniously dropped them on the desk, not caring where
they ended up, his mind a million miles away from the office.
He looked at the single decoration on the desk, the phone. All he had to
do was pick up the handset, dial the number, and talk. He reached for it,
but hesitated. What right did he have to do this? He'd made every
consious effort not to involve hiself in Shinji's life, why could he do it
now?
His hand hovered above the phone, redemption so close, and yet so far. He
thought about moving his hand, but his muscles refused to cooperate. His
thoughts went back to a few hours ago, when Major Katsuragi had informed
him of the operation, and he complimented Shinji. Much more pride had
entered his voice when he told Shinji he'd done good. He remembered the
look Kozo gave him when he said that, the sharp twist of
the head that telegraphed his surprise.
Now, he couldn't help but wonder why he limited himself to two words. If
he'd given himself five or ten, he might've been able to tell Shinji
something other than what Seele wanted him too.
'But,' he thought with a heavy sigh, 'if I'd done that, Seele would've
picked up on it, somehow, and everything would come crashing down.'
He resumed his pacing, though it was more like stalking.
Why?! Why did Seele have to take his son away from him? Wasn't taking
his wife enough? Here, in the security of his office, he felt safe enough
to let the armour crack, and he felt stings in his eyes. He unconsiously
made a mental note to talk to the matinence crew about fixing the filters
in his office; he couldn't work with all this dust getting into his eyes.
For the billionth time in the last ten years, he asked himself if he did
the right thing, leaving his son. Yes, it put Seele off their guard enough
that they didn't even think of touching Shinji. Yes, he saved his son's
life, but at what cost?
At the cost of having a more normal life?
At the cost of having a loving father?
At the cost of having a family that cared?
He stopped pacing long enough to look at the phone again.
No matter how much he wanted-- needed -- to talk to his son, he wouldn't
do that to the boy. To the young man. Yes, young man. The description
fit Shinji perfectly. Looking back on all their interactions, he could see
how Shinji was much older than his years, how life was pressing down on him
so. He had no right to add to the confusion by sending him conflicting
signals.
Not only would it damage his ability to pilot, but it would also bring
Seele banging on his door. First they would ask him simple questions, then
they would go right to the source, and take Shinji. That was something he
would never allow. No matter how much the project suffered, no matter how
much longer he would have to wait for his wife, he would do whatever it
took to protect Shinji. With all the evil he'd done in his life, his son
was his one bright, shining example of the good he could accomplish. And
nothing on the whole planet would make him give that up.
'Well, then. If I can do nothing, who can?' he asked himself. 'Major
Katsuragi is one person, but not the one that's needed. Rei.... perhaps at
one time, but now that they know each other better, she won't suffice. His
classmates aren't close to him, safe for two, and they were of little or no
use. But...' he paused, thinking over the possibilites. 'Yes. Asuka will
do nicely.' He could see the bonds beginning to forge between them. Now,
all he had to do was strengthen those bonds to the point where they would
never break.
He had a few ideas on how to do that, and filed them away in his mind,
ready to implement them the moment the oppertunity arose. He glanced at
the clock on his phone. He was almost out of time.
He sat down, slowed his breathing down from the angry puffs that they'd
been to the normal, controlled breathing that was normiall attributed to
him. He
leaned over and picked up his glasses and settled them on his face just as
Kozo walked in, right on time. In the time it took the older man to cross
to his desk, Gendo relaxed his face muscles, put up his mask, and made
ready to do his job again.
No matter how much it hurt to be so far away from his son.