Miashara wrote:
Vengeance is mine. You know why.
Nononono. That was another DB Sommer that's been C+Cing your stuff. Not me.
Honest.
it would seem that
way to everyone else. To her it was a special day; her favorite day of
the
year, ever since she was a little girl. The sort of day that came only
once
a year. It was her birthday.
Interesting way of saying that.
I've reworded it since due to overuse of 'day'
Figuratively speaking, of course.
riiiight.
Shhh. Don't give away the surprise ending. ^_^
Cologne had never once forgotten Shampoo's birthday. Never. Shampoo
considered that. Perhaps the meeting with the council had been far more
important than her great-grandmother had let on. It was possible that
that
was what had distracted her and made her forget Shampoo's birthday.
I doubt Cologne would make an error like that.
She didn't. She left Mousse something to give Shampoo. Of course he was
going to wait until the surprise party to give it to her.
ideas on what to get her. Since it wasn't likely he would run off to
China
with her (the first choice) she had given him an alternate gift idea of
a
pair of pretty earrings that she had seen in a store the other day. The
best part was that the jewelry was dirt cheap. Even Ranma, as broke as
he
usually was, could afford to get them for her.
What about choice 2: A night of wild, passionate sex?
It's a given that would have been part and parcel with the first choice.
As Shampoo exited the Nekohantan, she finally noticed that Mousse wasn't
present. That was a bit odd. He tended to be almost as enthusiastic
about
her birthdays as she was.
Standard Nerima suprise tactics. Have everyone do something completely
suspicious and change all habits so no one notices.
With this group, it tends to work very well.
remembered that given its current shape, she would have been better off
walking. She became depressed again as she forced herself to look at it.
It
had served her admirably in the year since she had come to Japan, but
now
there was nothing left but a crumpled lump of metal that looked more
like a
modern art sculpture than a bike. Using it as a weapon to run down Tarou
in
his monster form had not been such a good idea.
I see Shamps thinks as far ahead as the rest of the cast.
'It seemed like a good idea at the time,' could be a tagline for every
member of the cast for when they do something exceptionally dumb.
The blind idiot hadn't
even tried to ask her out on a date in almost a month.
I'm amazed at his will power, even for the plan to make that sacrifice.
It was supposed to be a very special party, after all.
Maybe he had found
some other girl to obsess about. That was a laugh, neither of them could
be
so fortunate.
And that couldn't be foreshadowing or anything?
What's foreshadowing? ^_^
And you need to clarify who the
two people neither refered to are.
Hmm. I thought it was clear that it's her and Mousse she's thinking of.
I'll say their names to make sure it's clear though.
surrounding the house. That meant Ranma hadn't done anything to anger
Akane, yet. That was good, it meant he would be physically able to give
her
the present himself, and then the brute would hammer his skull for it.
But
at least Shampoo would get her present.
Ah. Wonderful characterization.
Thanks
It took Shampoo a moment to decide whether or not to make one of her
spectacular entrances to impress Ranma (i.e. destroy a wall) or just go
in
through the front door.
Destroy the wall! Destroy the wall!
No.
Deciding she had destroyed enough building material
for the next few months, she entered the quiet way.
Wus
I'll have her dismantle Poison One or something, how about that?
That annoyed Shampoo slightly. It was still early in the morning and not
a
school day. He should have stuck around, waiting for her to come by and
collect her gift. "Where Ranma go?"
Damn that Ranma. One would think he was inconsiderate or something.
Ironically, he's only giving the illusion of being inconsiderate for a
change and is actually being considerate.
"I believe he and Akane mentioned something about going on a training
trip,
alone."
No, that shattering had nothing to do with Shampoo's hopes.
The first of many.
"Hi, Shampoo-chan,"
Thats a little unlikely for him. As I recall, I don't think he's that
familiar
with anyone.
Quite right. Pretty much everyone agrees. I'm changing it to 'sama'
Wasn't there anybody to celebrate her birthday with?
Jack Daniels and Jimmy Bean.
Curiously, they are going to appear in a fic of mine soon.
As Shampoo drew closer, she saw that he was very apprehensive. Actually,
he
had his hand behind his head and was laughing nervously, just like
Ryouga
would.
Ranma too.
I think Ryouga is more infamous for it though.
"Hello, Mousse," She greeted as seductively as she could. He was easy to
play with.
Not going to say it.
But you know you want to.
Hell, she was so lonely it wouldn't
make a difference to her. Just so long as she got to spend some time
with
someone.
No one gets that lonely.
She is now.
It would only be a matter of moments before he would cry out in joy
and glomp onto her. And she would let him too.
I see Shampoo is vulnerable to people playing hard to get.
More like she's just plain desperate to spend her birthday with someone.
Shampoo just stood there in shock as Mousse walked away without a
backward
glance. Something terrible was happening. Perhaps he had been drugged?
Maybe the Contrary Jewel? No, he would hate her if that was the case.
If Shamps refutes the contrary jewel, she should refute him being drugger.
otherwise you lack symmetry.
Gotcha.
Once Mousse was out of sight, Shampoo began following him, leaping from
rooftop to rooftop so he wouldn't spot her.
Shampoo could be walking directly behind him, carrying a billboard, and
Mousse
wouldn't spot her.
As long as he has his glasses on he's not quite that bad.
impossible. Shampoo
moved closer to be sure. For Mousse, her Mousse, to be going out with
some
other girl behind her back defied reality as she knew it. Maybe there
was
some other explanation. Maybe Mousse was going to get her a pig for her
birthday.
Shampoo? Reaching? No.
Never.
Mousse put his arm around her and drew her closer, "Which is why I want
to
be there. I won't let him hurt you. You can't defend yourself the way
Shampoo, or even Akane could."
And Mousse could defeat Ryouga of course.
That was a line he came up with. He could have beaten Ranma and Ryouga at
the same time if he had too, or at least he would have claimed it. ^_^
Akari nodded in agreement. With that decided, their looks softened as
the
stared into each others eyes. Soft words Shampoo couldn't make out were
exchanged, then the duo looked nervously at one another. Slowly, Mousse
cradled Akari's face and drew it closer to his. Then the two kissed,
tentatively at first, then passionately.
Thats stretching it a little. Remember how much significance kissing has
in
this series.
Well, things are going to be a bit more serious in this, and that sort of
helps reflect the change. (Groundwork for the future too of course.)
No. That was wrong.
And this would prevent Shampoo why?
Because Ryouga really would kill him and she doesn't want to seem jealous
about Mousse falling for someone else. ^_^
"That was," Akari paused to catch her breath. "Something else."
Thats why you breath, hon.
Heh
So lost were they in
thought, that Mousse almost failed to notice the clouds that had
gathered
overhead. But he did.
He could see the clouds?
He's wearing his glasses. Really.
In the back alleys of Nerima, Shampoo found herself becoming
increasingly
depressed over the whole events of the day. It was a microcosm of her
life.
Massive story mood change, completely without build up transition.
I thought it was obvious that this was coming with her thinking that
everyone had forgotten about her. Especially after Mousse of all people had
apparently blown her off. Her desperation increased with each person not
being around until she was practically asking Mousse to take her out.
She was dying and in agony. But she didn't want to die, not like this.
Even
if she didn't have friends, she still wanted to live. And she wanted the
pain to go away. Make the hurting stop. Please make the bad hurt go
away...
Shampoo:0
Car:1
Maybe she can destroy a freeway to make up for it later. ^_^
I'm not going to make a single remark about anyone being beaten by a car.
Probably for the best.
The idea of a vet was obliterated. Perhaps it was because he had hit the
cat and felt responsible. Maybe it was his son's pleading. No. That was
not
why.
I assume that last sentence refers to both the other items. Clarify.
Okay
But in the end he rebelled.
Otherwise it would have been a really dumb story.
true.
He gently took the dying cat from the boy. The youth looked into his
father's eyes and understood.
Nice little introspection bit. Did seem to go on for wuite some time
though.
Wanted to show Kyuusuke's thinking. It should come into play later.
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Please tell me you speak English. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS COMING OUT
OF MY
MOUTH?
Since he's speaking Japanese....
"Am fine." Though there was something odd. Some feeling of wrongness, as
though it shouldn't be here at this place, talking to the man.
She should be naked!
Hentai.
"All right!" That was said by the young brown-haired boy next to the
man.
It noticed that there was a faint resemblance between the two. The youth
appeared to be approximately twelve years old.
Alright. If he's twelve and His pappies late twenties, that means either
Ryu's
a bastard or his parents got married really early. Since I think I read
somewhere about they meeting in college, thus making neither one really
possible, I would be forced to assume that pappy's a little older than
you're
saying.
Oops. yep.
"We have to give her a name, dad. We can't just call her, Hey You," the
boy
said.
Why not? My parents did for the first eight years of my life and look how
I
turned out?
And this is supposed to reenforce your argument exactly how? ^_^
"Is all right." The newly christened Atsuko answered.
wouldn't pappy-sama begin to notice that his creation, with a language
program,
still speaks pigdin japanese?
he doesn't seem that surprised that Nuku-Nuku referes to herself in the
third person. Now if she starts cooking Chinese dishes without being taught
them, he might start wondering.
Nice little Waff ending.
Thanks.
Now, on to final notes.
The combination of Shampoo introspection, followed by Kyu introspection
right
after the story's mood change dragged on. The flow was previously much
quicker
and then it changed.
On the whole, pretty good.
Now write the sequal to S1/2 first.
No. I have to finish other current projects first.
Thanks for the C+C. I really appreciated it.
D.B. Sommer