In memory of Gene Rayburn (1918-1999), who from what one could glark
from his behavior, would probably be able to appreciate a good parody.
Or a bad one. (Hey, he put up with the likes of Charles Nelson Riley,
yesno?)
In short, this is what happens when you cross people onto a game show.
Apologies to everyone out there. Our muse made us do it.
---
Match Game is property of Mark Goodson Productions. Or 3M.
All anime characters are property of their respective owners.
All things herein are used without permission, and were put together on
a weird creative spurt. Please don't sue us, we're broke.
---
Anime Match Game
A parody fic by Dennis Carr and Karmin St. Jean
---
Start scene:
(standard orange rotator thing with little lights all over it)
Music:
(upbeat funky bass line)
Announcer:
Tonight, we have...
(scene flip)
Duo Maxwell...
Duo:
(calm look, gives "V-for-victory" sign as a hello)
(flip)
Announcer:
Sephiroth...
Seph:
(playing with black materia, looking very subversive)
(flip)
Annc:
Skuld...
Skuld:
(waves enthusiastically and smiles)
(flip)
Annc:
Ryoko Hakubi...
Ryoko:
(holds a card with a sketch of her and Tenchi kissing)
(flip)
Annc:
Ryoga Hibiki...
Ryoga:
(waves politely, smiling a little)
(flip)
Annc:
and Ruri Hoshino...
Ruri:
(stone faced)
(flip)
Annc:
On...
(lights)
Music:
(standard Match Game theme music)
Annc:
Anime Match Game! With your host, Gene Rayburn!
(Enter Gene, as usual)
(Applause/music dies down)
Gene:
OK, welcome to Anime Match Game. I'm your host, Gene Rayburn.
Tonight, we have an, um, unusual lineup on our panel, with some
unusual contestants: first, our returning champion, The
president of the Debutante club for St. Ignacius, Sayaka Kitaoji --
Sayaka:
(queen's wave)
Gene:
-- and tonight's challenger, A test pilot from New Edwards Air
Force Base, Isamu Dysan.
Dysan:
(comes on to the set, looking very overconfident)
(cut to Gene, now near panel)
(Panel layout, left to right; top: Skuld, Seph, Ryoko; bottom: An empty
space with Ryoga's name on it, Duo, and Ruri)
Seph: (yawns) Where's Ryoga?
Ryoko: (shrugs) Lost on the way to the studio? I don't know.
Skuld: (takes out a minicomp and starts trying to pinpoint Ryoga's
location) Funny. I can;t find him. I keep getting an image of a cute
little piglet, though...
Gene: (shrugs) OK, we'll start without him. Sayaka, you're the
returning champion, so you get the first pick of question.
On cont. panel: a board with two pieces of paper numbered 1 and 2
Sayaka: Hmmm... Very well. I shall take the first question, please.
Gene: (picks question 1)
Gene: Said Madonna, "My boyfriend thinks I'm a little weird. Every night
just before bed, I take my (blank) off."
Seph writes his answer and signal's he's finished.
Duo: (looks somewhat embarrassed and fills in his answer)
Skuld: (fills in hers and looks over at the empty chair)
Ryoga: (still absent)
Ruri: (fills in her answer)
Ryoko: (fills in her answer, a *very* smarmy grin on her face)
Seph: (winks at Ryoko)
Gene: (approaches Sayaka) OK, Sayaka, your answer. Said Madonna, "My
boyfriend thinks I'm a little weird. Every night just before bed, I take
my (blank) off."
Sayaka: My jewelry.
Isamu: Oh, she gets the good question.
Sayaka: (ignores Isamu's whining)
Gene: (gives Isamu a weird look) OK, Duo, what did you come up with?
P-chan: (from the doorway) BWEE!! (it is ignored)
Duo: Well, I first came up with "face", but this is not Tammy Faye
Bakker we're talking about, it's Madonna. So, I came up with jewelry.
Gene: Seph?
Seph: I said "My enemies heads."
Gene: Ah, OK. Um, Ryoko?
P-chan: (visible at set entrance) Bwee?
Ryoko: What is that pig doing there, Gene?
Random grip: I'll take care of it. (puts P-chan outside again.)
P-chan: (comes back in, knocking down most of the set wall in the
process)
Gene: Thanks. Yes, Match Game, with livestock.
Ryoko: Anyway, I don't know many people who sleep with their pants on.
(card: pants)
P-chan: Bwee? (promptly nosebleeds)
Duo: (blushes profusely)
Skuld: hey, Ryoko! You made Duo blush!
Ryoko: (sticks her tongue at Skuld)
Gene: And Ryoga's still not here. Skuld, your turn.
Skuld: Hey! I know that piglet! It's the one I keep showing on my
minicomp. Huh.. oh... Um... I take off my slippers. (card: slippers)
P-chan: (gets into Ryoga's box and looks very apologetic)
Gene: (looks puzzledly at P-chan) And one more answer. Ruri?"
Ruri: (stone faced) If I were her, I'd lose the bullet bra entirely. But
knowing her, it would have had to be her bathrobe.
P-chan: bwee!!!
Skuld: That doesn't match either.
P-chan: (sighs)
Gene: And that leaves one point for Sayaka, but it's still the first
round. And we'll be right back after we take care of that pig there in
Ryoga's box.
<Commercial>
Nabiki: Are your skills out of shape? Are you as worn out and as
pathetic as this guy? (points to Genma) If so, come hone your skills at
the Tendo Dojo... I... I mean we... accept all forms of payment...
</commercial>
Skuld: (playing with P-chan)
Gene: OK, we're back, and this pig doesn't seem to want to leave. But,
if he can answer the questions, that's fine. OK, Isamu, it's your turn,
and since there's only one question, you get it.
Question: said James Bond to Miss Moneypenny, "Frankly, Miss Moneypenny.
I wish I had time for more (blank) during these missions."
Skuld: (fills hers out first)
Duo: Hmm. (finishes)
Ryoko: (makes a humanly impossible face and fills out the card)
P-chan: (bumps the lighting scaffold, knocking a conviently located
tea-kettle (full of hot water) onto himself, then reaches over at his
ever-present backpack and throws on some clothes) Sorry I'm late. I got
lost on the way inside from the parking lot.
Ryoga: (fills his answer in quickly.)
Gene: (facefaults) I get all the weird ones on my show.
Sayaka glares at Gene
Ruri: (mumbling) Idiot. (fills hers out)
Seph finishes his.
Gene: Great, everyone's finished. OK, Isamu. said James Bond to
Miss Moneypenny, "Frankly, Miss Moneypenny. I wish I had time for more
(blank) during these missions."
Isamu: Training. You gotta train!
Gene: (nods) Good answer. let's start from the end this time to make it
interesting. Ruri?
Ruri: I said training.
Gene: Thank you. Skuld?
Skuld: Well, in my line of work, you need to be prepared for anything
and being prepared takes training, so I said training.
Gene: he's on a roll. Ryoga?
Ryoga: I'm a martial artist, so I said training.
Gene: Ryoko?
Ryoko: You know, Gene, you look cute in that tie. But, I didn't give
the answer he was looking for, since I'm stuck on this swordplay thing.
(card: swordplay)
Gene: not bad though. Seph?
Seph (winks at Ryoko): Well, I used to be a SOLDIER for the Shinra
corporation and we went on training missions regularly, so I said
training. (to Ryoko) How about coming up to my room later and I'll show
you some real swordplay?
Ryoga: (nosebleeds again)
Ryoko: (gives Seph the hairy eyeball)
Seph: (announces, very loudly, that he and Ryoko are engaged)
Ryoko: (decides she's had enough of men with long grey hair) Oh, like
hell.
Gene: (ignores fight brewing) And you, duo?
duo: Can't train enough. (card: training)
Seph: (very irritable)
Duo: I mean, if you don't train, what good are you when the real fight
comes along? In fact, once Heero and i were on this training mission,
and... (continues babbling)
Seph: (now fuming) (leaps up and raises his masumane over his head) SHUT
UP OR DIE!!!
Ryoko: (engages her sword) That's it!
Kuno: My gods! That sword! Could it be the Great Shinra Masumane, used
by Seph the Magnificent during his fiery destruction of the city of
Nibelheim?!
Seph: OF COURSE, YOU MORON!
Duo: (looks confused) Did I say something?
Gene: (facefaults) Oh no.
Skuld: Do you ever stop saying anything? (mallets Duo)
Duo: (collapses into dreamland)
Heero (in Duo's dream) Oh, Duo... You look so beautiful with your hair
down like that...
Ryoko: I got your sword right here!
Ryoga: (pounces on Seph)
Isamu: (looks at Sayaka) Wanna go for coffee?
Sayaka: I would be delighted.
Isamu: (nods) Let's go. (leads her off the set)
Kuno: (accosts Seph, and begs to know more about the sword)
(someone throws a pitcher of cold water, trying to calm everyone down)
Ruri: (stonefaced, and throws a card out on the floor) Idiots. (walks
off)
P-Chan: Bwee! (he follows Ruri)
Gene: Commmercial! Commercial!
<commercial>
Ad Annc: In the old days we used coal (image of smokey coal plant), oil
(image of oil slick), and even nuclear fuel (image of powerplant
exploding) as sources of energy. But today, thanks to Shinra Corporation
(image of Shinra building ) we now have the power of mako (shows nice
clean mako plant with quietly running processors in the background) to
provide us with clean energy in abundance."
Sephiroth (shouting at monitor): If you don't mind a few monsters
roaming about your town!
</commercial>
Scene:
The set is on fire. Seph is standing in the middle of the flames,
laughing maniacally.
Gene: (looking rather anxious) Um, due to technical difficulties, we're
going to cut it a little short. Good night, everybody!