Vengeance is mine. You know why.
DB Sommer wrote:
The thing I'm about to comment on.
That really wasn't important. Shampoo went to her window and gazed at the
world. Outside, it was a day like any other, or at least it would seem that
way to everyone else. To her it was a special day; her favorite day of the
year, ever since she was a little girl. The sort of day that came only once
a year. It was her birthday.
Interesting way of saying that.
At long last she was seventeen, and like a fine wine she had gotten better
with every year, and this one was no exception.
Run on.
Figuratively speaking, of course.
riiiight.
Running down the hall, she paused in front of her great-grandmother's
bedroom. She was about to knock when she remembered that Cologne had gone
back to China two days earlier for some sort of council with the other
elders. A soft sigh escaped Shampoo's lips. Her great-grandmother was going
to miss her birthday. Come to think of it, she hadn't even left a present
for her favorite great-granddaughter. That was odd. In all her years,
Cologne had never once forgotten Shampoo's birthday. Never. Shampoo
considered that. Perhaps the meeting with the council had been far more
important than her great-grandmother had let on. It was possible that that
was what had distracted her and made her forget Shampoo's birthday.
I doubt Cologne would make an error like that.
The idea that her own great grandmother had forgotten the important date
was depressing, but Shampoo wasn't going to let a little fact like that
ruin her day. In order to cheer up, she was going to march right over to
Ranma's house and get him to celebrate with her immediately. It would not
be as though it was a surprise. Earlier in the week, she had dropped
several hints that her birthday was coming up and gave him a couple of
ideas on what to get her. Since it wasn't likely he would run off to China
with her (the first choice) she had given him an alternate gift idea of a
pair of pretty earrings that she had seen in a store the other day. The
best part was that the jewelry was dirt cheap. Even Ranma, as broke as he
usually was, could afford to get them for her.
What about choice 2: A night of wild, passionate sex?
As Shampoo exited the Nekohantan, she finally noticed that Mousse wasn't
present. That was a bit odd. He tended to be almost as enthusiastic about
her birthdays as she was.
Standard Nerima suprise tactics. Have everyone do something completely
suspicious and change all habits so no one notices.
That depressing thought triggered others, and that horrible wedding fiasco
was at the top of the list. That incident had almost literally blown up in
her face.
Pun intended.
She prepared to hop onto her bike and race down to the Tendous when she
remembered that given its current shape, she would have been better off
walking. She became depressed again as she forced herself to look at it. It
had served her admirably in the year since she had come to Japan, but now
there was nothing left but a crumpled lump of metal that looked more like a
modern art sculpture than a bike. Using it as a weapon to run down Tarou in
his monster form had not been such a good idea.
I see Shamps thinks as far ahead as the rest of the cast.
The blind idiot hadn't
even tried to ask her out on a date in almost a month.
I'm amazed at his will power, even for the plan to make that sacrifice.
Maybe he had found
some other girl to obsess about. That was a laugh, neither of them could be
so fortunate.
And that couldn't be foreshadowing or anything? And you need to clarify who the
two people neither refered to are.
Remarkably, she managed to arrive at the Tendou home without incident. It
was peaceful at the house, with only the sordid sounds of silence
surrounding the house. That meant Ranma hadn't done anything to anger
Akane, yet. That was good, it meant he would be physically able to give her
the present himself, and then the brute would hammer his skull for it. But
at least Shampoo would get her present.
Ah. Wonderful characterization.
It took Shampoo a moment to decide whether or not to make one of her
spectacular entrances to impress Ranma (i.e. destroy a wall) or just go in
through the front door.
Destroy the wall! Destroy the wall!
Deciding she had destroyed enough building material
for the next few months, she entered the quiet way.
Wus
"Nihao! Shampoo come to see Ranma." She gave Kasumi the bubbliest greeting
she could muster.
Thats pretty bubbly.
That annoyed Shampoo slightly. It was still early in the morning and not a
school day. He should have stuck around, waiting for her to come by and
collect her gift. "Where Ranma go?"
Damn that Ranma. One would think he was inconsiderate or something.
"I believe he and Akane mentioned something about going on a training trip,
alone."
No, that shattering had nothing to do with Shampoo's hopes.
"Hi, Shampoo-chan,"
Thats a little unlikely for him. As I recall, I don't think he's that familiar
with anyone.
Wasn't there anybody to celebrate her birthday with?
Jack Daniels and Jimmy Bean. And a little Aristocrat if she's feeling high and
mighty.
She called out to him. He gave a startled jump that surprised Shampoo. The
only time he did that (at least when she called out to him) was when he was
up to something shifty.
Mousse? Up to something shifty? Do tell.
As Shampoo drew closer, she saw that he was very apprehensive. Actually, he
had his hand behind his head and was laughing nervously, just like Ryouga
would.
Ranma too.
"Hello, Mousse," She greeted as seductively as she could. He was easy to
play with.
Not going to say it.
Hell, she was so lonely it wouldn't
make a difference to her. Just so long as she got to spend some time with
someone.
No one gets that lonely.
It would only be a matter of moments before he would cry out in joy
and glomp onto her. And she would let him too.
I see Shampoo is vulnerable to people playing hard to get.
Shampoo just stood there in shock as Mousse walked away without a backward
glance. Something terrible was happening. Perhaps he had been drugged?
Maybe the Contrary Jewel? No, he would hate her if that was the case.
If Shamps refutes the contrary jewel, she should refute him being drugger.
otherwise you lack symmetry.
Once Mousse was out of sight, Shampoo began following him, leaping from
rooftop to rooftop so he wouldn't spot her.
Shampoo could be walking directly behind him, carrying a billboard, and Mousse
wouldn't spot her.
it was a lover's grasp. It was something Shampoo had received from anyone.
hadn't
Despite the proof before her eyes, it still seemed impossible. Shampoo
moved closer to be sure. For Mousse, her Mousse, to be going out with some
other girl behind her back defied reality as she knew it. Maybe there was
some other explanation. Maybe Mousse was going to get her a pig for her
birthday.
Shampoo? Reaching? No.
Mousse put his arm around her and drew her closer, "Which is why I want to
be there. I won't let him hurt you. You can't defend yourself the way
Shampoo, or even Akane could."
And Mousse could defeat Ryouga of course.
Akari nodded in agreement. With that decided, their looks softened as the
stared into each others eyes. Soft words Shampoo couldn't make out were
exchanged, then the duo looked nervously at one another. Slowly, Mousse
cradled Akari's face and drew it closer to his. Then the two kissed,
tentatively at first, then passionately.
Thats stretching it a little. Remember how much significance kissing has in
this series.
No. That was wrong.
And this would prevent Shampoo why?
"That was," Akari paused to catch her breath. "Something else."
Thats why you breath, hon.
So lost were they in
thought, that Mousse almost failed to notice the clouds that had gathered
overhead. But he did.
He could see the clouds?
In the back alleys of Nerima, Shampoo found herself becoming increasingly
depressed over the whole events of the day. It was a microcosm of her life.
Massive story mood change, completely without build up transition.
She was dying and in agony. But she didn't want to die, not like this. Even
if she didn't have friends, she still wanted to live. And she wanted the
pain to go away. Make the hurting stop. Please make the bad hurt go away...
Shampoo:0
Car:1
I'm not going to make a single remark about anyone being beaten by a car.
And than he saw her eyes.
then
The idea of a vet was obliterated. Perhaps it was because he had hit the
cat and felt responsible. Maybe it was his son's pleading. No. That was not
why.
I assume that last sentence refers to both the other items. Clarify.
But in the end he rebelled.
Otherwise it would have been a really dumb story.
He gently took the dying cat from the boy. The youth looked into his
father's eyes and understood.
Nice little introspection bit. Did seem to go on for wuite some time though.
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Please tell me you speak English. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY
MOUTH?
"Am fine." Though there was something odd. Some feeling of wrongness, as
though it shouldn't be here at this place, talking to the man.
She should be naked!
"All right!" That was said by the young brown-haired boy next to the man.
It noticed that there was a faint resemblance between the two. The youth
appeared to be approximately twelve years old.
Alright. If he's twelve and His pappies late twenties, that means either Ryu's
a bastard or his parents got married really early. Since I think I read
somewhere about they meeting in college, thus making neither one really
possible, I would be forced to assume that pappy's a little older than you're
saying.
There was something tingling at the back of its mind, but it wouldn't come
forward.
That was just the crack.
"We have to give her a name, dad. We can't just call her, Hey You," the boy
said.
Why not? My parents did for the first eight years of my life and look how I
turned out?
"Is all right." The newly christened Atsuko answered.
wouldn't pappy-sama begin to notice that his creation, with a language program,
still speaks pigdin japanese?
Nice little Waff ending.
Now, on to final notes.
The combination of Shampoo introspection, followed by Kyu introspection right
after the story's mood change dragged on. The flow was previously much quicker
and then it changed.
On the whole, pretty good.
Now write the sequal to S1/2 first.
Miashara