Jenny Chan wrote:
*****************************************************************
Second Class
Part All
An Ah! My Goddess Fanfiction
The bar was rather dark and depressing, but that was the way that
Marller preferred it. She sat at the bar, alone. No one approached
her, except the bartender, and that was only to refill her drink.
The mortals around her could sense the forbidding mood around her.
Already use 'around her' earlier in the sentence. Perhaps 'eminating from
her' or some other wording.
A wry smile of amusement flickered on her face as she wondered how
her friend could possibly be late when that person had so much
influence over time.
The door to the place
'bar' would be better here, IMO
opened, and Marller knew that her friend had
arrived by the way every male in the place suddenly tensed up and
looked in the direction of the entrance.
It was the Violater, from Spawn. ^_^
The bartender came over and the new arrival murmured the name of a
drink to him. He nodded, grabbed a biiiig
'big' Even if you're trying emphasize the size of the bottle, I don't think
dragging the I works.
Urd snorted. "Why do you think I got promoted?"
"I thought you were sleeping with your supervisor,' Marller said.
Marller raised an eyebrow, and looked down at her drink. "Well, I
assumed that... well, with all that work you and Skuld put in on
system maintenance... rumor was that you two were both shoe-ins
I think it's 'shoo-ins'
Urd smiled softly. "Yeah... Hey, do you remember that day, oh, five
years ago?"
Marller laughed. "How could I forget? That was when Keiichi and
Belldandy got married.
Urd: No. I meant that time we had hot steaming sex with one another.
Marller: Uh, no. Can't say I do. It must have been pretty lousy if I don't
remember it.
I tried everything I could to mess it up...
nothing. I couldn't screw up anything."
What? Not even her own plans? ^_^
Urd laughed and downed her drink. She refilled it. "Skuld got
promoted. Can you believe it? Both of my little sisters are first
class unlimited goddesses." Urd paused, looked at her drink, and
downed that one too. "I got looked over. Again."
"Hey," Marller cried, "You could be a first class demon unlimited
too, if you wanted to. Heck, you could have been the demon KING, if
you wanted to be."
Urd closed her mouth. "Yeah well..."
Ohhh. Temptation. Of course, Marller is a demon, after all. It is her job,
probably as instinctive as breathing.
Urd glared at Marller. "Hey. If you want to be the demon king
Shouldn't that be Queen?
>
Urd was quiet for a moment. "I... I don't know why. I just don't.
It's like... it's like... well, why didn't you chose to be a goddess?
Why did you chose to be a demon instead?"
Marller shrugged. "I dunno... when Mother and Father asked me which
I wanted to be, I just said demon. It never even occurred to me to
chose goddess."
Urd smiled. "Exactly how I felt. It didn't feel right being a
demon... for some reason.. being a goddess... it's... it's just
more... right."
Heh. Simple, but sometimes simple answers are the easiest.
Urd smiled back. The two were silent for a moment. "This is nice,"
Urd said. "You know, what ever happened to the days when we used to
sing karaoke while piss drunk?"
Thor threatened to hammer your heads in if you ever made his ears bleed
like that again? ^_^
Interesting little short. Don't know but the basics of the AMG! series , so
can't comment on characterizations and such. Looked good to me and flowed
well.
D.B. Sommer