The Temporally-Challenged Critiquer strikes again!
C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
Time has no meaning.
WARNING: This is a C&C of a lemon fic. You probably shouldn't be
reading lemons, anyway (what would your parents think?) and this C&C
isn't much better...
*sweatdrop* "Sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm a baaad fanficker."
-----WARNING-----
This fic contains a LEMON scene, although it isn't necessarily
graphic
nor is it gratuitous. In fact, it's largely antiseptic.
Nabiki: [scrubbing hands] I *wish*....
Nodoka: [lecturing] FEEL your soul washing clean...
Tendou Chorus: FEEL IT!
Ranma: [walking in] Here's my payment on what I... owe... you?" [looks
around, mystified]
*GLOMP!*
Ranma: NABIKI!! AAAHHH!!! Get 'er off, get 'er off!
Akane: Bad word choice, Ranma-kun.
Nodoka: Oh, well. Back to square one...
[...]
This work is for free entertainment purposes only - no compensation
has
been or will be received from it.
What about the ten yen? ;)
Vince still has it, although I have no plans in my life to imitate
art... or fanfic.
[...]
This is the story of a coin... a ten yen, to be precise, but then you
knew that from the title. How can one coin change the course of
events
in the Ranmaverse? Proceed, then, gentle reader, with a modicum of
caution.
suggest: a coin... ten yen
or: a coin... a ten yen piece
("A ten yen" sounds weird. Like saying "A five cent.")
Point.
Is this introduction necessary? I was a little put off by it.
I don't really like being addressed by the writer; it gives me
the impression that the author doesn't think the work can stand
on it's own...
Well, it was largely tongue-in-cheek and not meant to be taken all that
seriously.
[...]
Nabiki threw her manga across the room in frustration and shouted,
"WHO'S THERE?!" She winced at the setup.
At what setup?
*KNOCK, KNOCK!*
"Who's there?"
"Doug!"
"Doug who?"
"You know, DOUG!"
"Oh, yeah. Doug."
"Yeah, man. Lemme in!"
"Doug's not here..."
[ For those of you who actually remember Cheech & Chong playing at your
local theatre. :P]
[...]
"I've had a bad day, all right?!" She crossed her arms under her
breasts
and glared at him.
Nabiki actually lets things get to her? And here I thought she
passed her problems off to everyone else. :j
Everyone has a breaking point.
BAKUSAI TENYENTSU!!!
... or maybe not.
[...]
The tableau held for a couple of moments until Nabiki had enough.
gram: had had enough.
(I know this sounds worse, but the first time I read it,
I wondered "Nabiki had had enough what?")
Right. I waffled over this for a while, so will fix.
[...]
In response, Ranma reached into his pocket and pulled out a ten-yen
coin. He tossed it to Nabiki, who caught it deftly. She held it up
between her index and middle fingers.
punc: ten yen
(I think.)
Mmmm, okay. You have a later one that I don't agree with, but okay here.
[...]
"Ranma, you're really starting to cheese me off. *What* is the point
of
this little exercise?"
Ranma smirked and held the coin up between his fingers as Nabiki had
done. "How bad do ya want this?"
You've completely grabbed me at this point. :) How far will she
go...?
Exactly. :)
Nabiki blink-blinked. "Huh? I mean, what do you mean?"
suggest: Huh? What do you mean?
(Get rid of the duplicated "mean".)
Oh, I don't know. It does serve to illustrate her surprise at the
question; the redundancy does, that is.
He shrugged. "Do *you* want this ten yen?" He waved the coin back and
forth.
Nabiki: Everyone thinks the only thing I want is money!
But I'd be happy to give all my money away...
For just a little bit more. [wink]
You know, one of the interesting things about Nabiki is, IIRC, that you
almost never see her spend any of it.
Her eyes tracked the coin as it moved before narrowing. "Sure. Why
not?
A yen is a yen is a yen, after all."
suggest: Her eyes narrowed, after tracking the coin.
(Gramatically, it's unclear if Nabiki's eyes or the coin
moved and narrowed.)
Point. Will fix.
Ranma tossed the coin into the air and caught it, his fist hiding it
>from view. "Can't just have it. Have to *earn* it."
Nabiki: [bored expression] Look, he does magic tricks.
[reads ahead] Or was that turns tricks?
Gack. Don't give it away, Douglas! :)
[...]
He winced. "You really *did* have a bad day, ne? How much?"
"Ten yen," she smirked.
Shrugging, Ranma reached into his pocket with his free hand and
pulled
out a different ten-yen piece, tossing it to her.
Heh. :)
The old "bait and switch". Works for car dealers, too. ;)
[...]
She leaned back against the headboard of her bed. "Okay, you've
finally
succumbed to the madness around here - you're making absolutely no
sense."
Ranma: Succumbed to it? Heck, I brought it with me!
*CRASH!*
"Lanma! That my ten yuan, er, yen!"
"RANMA!! Prepare to financially die! YAAAHHH!!!
"Saotome! How DARE you try to BUY Shampoo's affections!"
"Mukodono, if it was money you were interested in, I've got lots."
Cologne raises her robe up along one leg.
"GAAAAHHHH!!!!"
Ranma just stood there, sweatdropping behind the smirk. Nabiki's
facial
expression quickly moved from irritated to annoyed to angry; the
day's
events had whittled away a great deal of her cool.
suggest: irritated to annoyed and finally to angry
(A little variety...)
Okay.
[...]
"Hey," Ranma added after finally swallowing three mouthfuls,
polishing
off his Kasumi-made bento.
Ranma: See? [points to sticker]
Hiroshi: "Made by Kasumi Tendo."
Keiichi: Oh yeah? [points to sticker] "Made by Belldandy."
Hiroshi: You know, those stickers look a lot alike...
ACK! I'm already getting enough Kasumi-Belldandy moments in Accidental
Goddess! No more, PLEEEEASE!
:P
"Um, Ranma? Can I talk to you for a minute... alone?" Hiroshi was
fidgeting slightly. He knew, as did everyone, that getting Ranma
involved in something carried a certain amount of risk.
suggest: knew -- as did everyone -- that
I don't necessarily have a problem with emdashes, although I don't
generally find them to my taste. In this case, with a separated item
that's so short, why?
Ranma glanced over at Akane, and she cocked her head and smiled
cutely.
"Hmmm, sounds like boy-talk to me. Ne, Ranma?"
This seems a little odd coming out of Akane. Not the quote, or the
expression, but the two combined. I'd expect a Nabikiesque smirk
with the quote, or perhaps a quote like "Want some time alone?" with
the smile.
Mmmm, I disagree. She can be sweet and cute when not being annoyed by
other goings-on.
Ranma's mouth parted slightly, and he stared at his fiancee. <Oh,
man,
she can be so *gorgeous* when she does stuff like that!>
suggest: *cute*
(Is Ranma capable of recognising things as "gorgeous"? ;)
I think he's capable :), but 'cute' would probably be more in line with
his usually vocabulary.
[...]
Snapping out of his daze, Ranma got up from his chair and followed
Hiroshi out of the room. He glanced back once before exiting to see
Akane watching him with a strange smile, except her gaze was aimed at
his-- <ACK! She IS a pervert girl!>
The horrible truth. Akane is a podaphile.
Akane: Your feet are SOOooo sexy!
Ranma: ...
Uncertain of the effect, Ranma tentatively raises one big toe. Akane
screams in... well, you get the picture. ;)
He started pushing Hiroshi out the
door more quickly as he felt his butt begin to burn, although he
found
the sensation surprisingly pleasant.
Hiroshi: Does this mean I can let go of your butt now?
Ranma: A little bit longer... [blushes]
Ewww. And you bark at me for being twisted? :)
"Hey!" Hiroshi said, flailing his arms at the speed he was being
moved
along.
Hiroshi: Oh GOD! What happened to my arms? And my hands!
They've turned into little circles hovering around my body!!!
It's the dreaded Hinako Syndrome. Call Toufuu-sensei... Oh, no! He's
moved away!
[...]
Back in the classroom, Akane continued to stare at the door until a
pair
of giggling girls broke into her fantasy. She whipped around to see
her
two best friends in spasms.
Akane: [moaning] So... hard...
Yuka: Sad, really.
Sayuri: [nods] Yeah, poor thing.
Yuka: He thinks she was looking his butt...
Suyuri: ...when she was really looking at the door.
Akane: And that... [grins seductively] Knob.
...!
suggest: continued to stare through the door ;)
Heh, right. ^_^;;;
[...]
"For shame, Akane-chan!" Yuka squirreled.
Uh... What does "to squirrel" mean? I found "squirrelly," meaning
eccentric, but no verb. ^_^;
It means to do something in a 'squirrelly' fashion. What?! You don't
believe me? *sigh*
[...]
Hiroshi led a surprised Ranma to the roof behind the clock tower. He
then checked all around to make sure they were alone, even going so
far
as to reopen the door to the stairwell and then close it completely.
Wasn't Ranma pulling Hiroshi along a second ago?
No, he was pushing, although it only said 'being moved along'.
He finally turned to see Ranma, arms crossed and gazing at him with
half-lidded eyes.
"Hiroshi-kun, if you're gonna ask my girl-half out, I'm gonna punt
you
to Kobe."
Hiroshi waved his arms and shook his head. "No, no! Nothing like
that!
You think I wanna die?"
This sounds like Ranma. I have to wonder where his sensibilities went
for the rest of the fic...
South.
If you don't get that reference, then too bad.
[...]
"Want to have a little fun with a mutual pain-in-the-ass we have?"
Ranma's arms fell out of their cross. "Eh?!"
Ranma: ...Akane was looking at your butt, too?!?
Hiroshi: [blink]
*laughter*
[...]
Ranma leaned back against the clock tower. "What's going on, Hi? Who
put
a hair up your ass?"
Is "Hi" am actual nickname for Hiroshi? "Hiro" and "Roshi" I can see,
but not "Hi." Of course, it doesn't help that it looks exactly like
an English word with a different pronounciation.
Oh, you! Now you've made me wonder. :)
[...]
"I don't know, Hi," Ranma dithered. "I know she's been suckin' you
dry
lately, but ANY-thing with Nabiki always backfires in MY face."
I notice that doesn't change in this fic. :j
Not at all.
And isn't this sentence SO much more entertaining taken out of
context? ;)
Of course. Such are the pleasures of word choice. :P
"Not to worry, Ranma-kun. This is simple and straight-line. There's
no
plots or complicated plans you have to remember."
suggest: straightforward
(I don't think I've ever seen "straight-line" used that way.)
I'm *pretty* sure I have, but I'll consider your suggestion.
"Well... I'm listenin', but no promises. What is it?"
Hiroshi leaned a little further forward and slyly said, "Show her
something she can't have."
This could have become a lemon a lot faster...
True.
Ranma: You can't have... this! [gestures proudly]
Nabiki: [yawns] Why do I want something that washes away with cold
water?
Ranma: Well... so do any unfortunate side effects, ahem.
Nabiki: [BOING!] My darling Ranma!
[...]
She coughed a couple of times and then looked up at her fiance. "Are
*you* feeling all right?"
He blinked at her. "What?"
"You're being nice."
Ranma shrugged nonchalantly.
Ranma: You were staring at my butt, earlier, so I figure--
Genma and Soun: [grin maniacally]
Akane: [grabbing Ranma and blushing] Let's go spar.
Heh. And the fathers are back to their favorite pastime, other than go
and shogi... unrestricted wedding planning!
[...]
He considered that and remembered Hiroshi's words. <"Take any
opportunity to show that someone else can have it, but *she* can't.">
Ranma then reached into his pocket, pulling out the notorious ten
yen.
He held it out for Akane, and she hesitantly took it.
I'm not sure the coin is "notorious" just yet...
You're right. Will fix.
Nabiki: Can we please stop talking about that damn coin.
Girl-Type Ranma: Oopsie! I lost it again.
Nabiki: Right. This time I use hot water to find it!
GT-Ranma: [pales, dashes off]
We get to that possibility later...
[...]
Ranma was going through his warm-up kata when he heard the shoji
doors
open and close. He turned and saw Nabiki regarding him steadily.
Nodding
once, he picked up where he'd left off in his exercise.
It's unclear whether this is supposed to happen before or after the
sparring.
Before. I'll review the passage.
If it's after, he certainly doesn't need to do warm-up
exercises. If it's before, why doesn't Akane come in?
Still eating or getting her gi.
[...]
"What are you playing at, Ranma?" she asked coldly. "This is some
kind
of payback for my dates with Kasha-ou Kinnosuke, isn't it?"
I don't know if I've ever seen Kinnosuke's full name. Does the "ou"
mean anything?
Probably. I'm going from a manga translation that read as 'Kasha-oo
Kinnosuke', Kasha-ou also being the name of his family's school. I use
'ou' because it's in line with the transliteration method I use.
[...]
Nabiki found herself in an unusual position: not holding all the
cards.
<What is so damn special about *that* ten yen?! Just play along,
girl.
You'll figure it out.>
suggest: Just play along; you'll figure it out.
(I don't see Nabiki calling herself a diminutive term like "girl".
Anybody else, though...)
Hmmm, I'll have to think about that. Whether she would call herself that
*to* herself is not something I get any sense of being particularly
important to her characterization.
[...]
"Ah, yeah." Ranma walked over to her and produced a photograph. He
held
it out, and she took it, looking down her nose at the image of
onna-Ranma wearing only her boxer-shorts and stretching her arms
above
her head. All in all, a very fetching and nosebleed-quality photo.
suggest: image of his girl side wearing only boxer shorts
(Gets rids of some needless Japanese, and makes it a little
more clear that this "onna-Ranma" is not a different person.)
:) I do use Japanese-in-English as flavoring, although I try not to use
it in a way that would be difficult to comprehend, and I try to make the
meaning clear in context, or clear in an earlier context that would
carry over. I'll consider the change.
[...]
"I'm not buying all these back *or* destroying the negatives. Nice
try,
Ranma-kun," she smirked.
Smirking back, he said, "Don't have to."
Ranma: I already ate the negatives.
Kodachi: [wearing apron] I'm beginning to worry about you,
dearest...
O_o
Well, that came out of nowhere.
[...]
Nabiki face-faulted. She eased back to her feet with the biggest
smirk
Ranma had ever seen. "Really, Ranma, if you want to get me naked, all
you have to do is ask."
Fanboy: [clearing throat, raising hand] Um....?
"Down, boy! Down, I say!" Cracks whip.
[...]
Nabiki stepped up to the cringing martial artist and ran her hands
down
his front. "I mean, a big, hunky guy like you? Why, I'd be the envy
of
every girl in school." She locked her hands behind his neck and gazed
hotly into his bulging eyes. "Ne? ... Ranma-kun?"
Ranma finally found his voice, "GAAAH!!" and slipped out from under
her
arms. "THAT'S NOT IT!! YUCK!!!"
^o^
It's the stereotypical reaction for him, but it still works. :)
[...]
Ranma pulled at his pigtail. "What do I have ta do ta get through to
ya?!"
That's an ususual gesture coming out of Ranma.
True. I originally had one hand pulling his hair and the other his
pigtail, but I was talked out of it. Smile, you know who you are... :)
[...]
Lowering his arm, he nodded slowly. "Un."
suggest: Yep
or: Yeah
or: Uh huh.
(I think my opinion on using Japanese in fics is clear, but it's
worse here, becuase it's a stand-along word, and not one of the
common ones in the fanboy vocabulary.)
It certainly shows up enough in anime that it should be absorbed by
osmosis, and my mind's ear hears him saying just that. *sigh* Let me
think about it.
[...]
The next morning, Akane and Ranma made their usual way to school:
Akane
on the ground and Ranma taking the high road. However, Ranma kept
stealing worried glances at his fiance.
Akane: [growling] Are you calling me unfeminine?
sp: fiancee
EEP! Will fix.
"Um, uh, how ya feelin', Akane?"
Akane: Soft and firm.
Ranma: ...!
Akane: Now why is it you always want to stay up there?
Ranma: [WHOOSH!]
A moment of non-verbal dialogue.
Akane: Was I right?
Ranma: [massive nosebleed] Un... :P
Akane stopped and clenched her fists, arms straight down. She whipped
her head around, and Ranma winced at the sight of the shiner
blackening
almost half of her face.
suggest: covering almost half
or: darkening
Yes, that's much better.
"Will you STOP IT?! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME, OOO, I'LL...
I'm a
martial artist, too, and I'm *supposed* to take my lumps! I'M NOT
MADE
OF GLASS!! I'm DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY TO HAVE THIS BLACK EYE!!!"
What was that OOO? Oooh? Ohhhh? [insert other moaning noises here]
Interactive fanfic: take your pick.
cap: I'M
I wanted the emphasis on deliriously to be obvious, so I left if off of
'I'm'. But it may be lost in the middle of all the other caps.
[...]
He swung his head her way, and she could see his eyes peering out
from
under the mop of hair over his forehead. He stepped off the fence and
landed lightly.
suggest: under the mop of hair.
(I don't think it's necessary to say that it's over his forehead.
Unless, of course, he really does have eyes in the back of his
head...)
Hmmm, in that case, "under his mop of hair."
Akane walked up and regarded him seriously; she could see his horror
at
her bruise and at the fact that he'd done it. "Ranma, we were
sparring.
You didn't really hurt me, you know. Would it have bothered you so
much
if it'd just been a bruise on my leg?"
Ranma: Um... Where on your leg?
Akane: [smack]
Ranma: Hey! What happened to soft and firm?!
Akane: That was then.
Ranma: What changed?!
Akane: [walking off and gesturing vaguely] Oh...
Ranma: Women!
[...]
"Tell me something else. How am I supposed to get better if you won't
spar with me seriously?" She searched his clouded eyes.
Ranma: Well, obviously when I dodge, I'm trying to help you get
better
at targeting me. How does it help you if I make an easy target of
mys--? AUGH! I'm blind! Cataracts! Cataracts! [flail]
:)
suggest: his downcast eyes.
Nothing wrong with downcast, except that Ranma isn't looking down, and
that adjective suggests it. Besides, an expression can be clouded, and
I'm just narrowing it to his eyes.
[...]
"How would you like it if nobody took you seriously as a fighter? Can
you imagine the shame and humiliation?"
Ranma: Nah, I'd just beat the crap outta them.
Heh.
I have to say that I don't find Akane's argument terribly compelling.
Not compelling how? She's had that at Ranma's hands for some time, and
it seems that she could very easily think such a thing.
Akane sighed and said, "Do you want to shame *me*, make *me* feel
humiliated?"
Ranma: [blushing] Well, actually...
Kodachi: [landing in a flurry of black rose petals] Oh-ho-ho-hoooo!!!
*I* am the only one that Ranma-sama is allowed to abuse, you harridan!
Ranma: Oh, Dachi-chan! *WHAP!*
Kodachi: Ranma-sama! So masterful, you are.
*WHAP!*
Kodachi: Ah!
*WHAP!*
Kodachi; AH!!
and so on...
Akane: Hand me the airline bag, please.
[...]
"Nothing, Oneechan. It's just... you're usually busy taking money."
Nabiki: [raises eyebrow]
Akane: Making money! [littlesweat] I mean mmmake money.
Nabiki: About that 500 yen you owe me...?
Akane: [sighs, reaches into pocket]
Heh.
[...]
Akane watched the flash of the metal as it smoothly flowed back and
forth over his hand.
"Where'd you learn that?"
"Saw some magic guy on TV. Looked like good trainin'." He batted the
coin into the air and caught it between thumb and forefinger, holding
it
out. "Ya want it?"
Ranma: You know, you you did this finger training, you wouldn't have
had any problems--
Nabiki: Just. Shut. Up.
?? Okay, lost me on this one. -_-
[...]
Kasumi would almost invariably stop whatever she was doing and take
the
coin out of her pocket, turning it over and over, trying to determine
what made it so special to Ranma. Finally, she would shrug and slip
it
back into her pocket, putting it down to martial artists and their
ways,
although she'd thought she was already familiar with most of their
quirks.
Kasumi: He must be trying to master the10-yen-satsu. [pauses in
thought] I do hope he realises there's no hole in it. Maybe
that's why it's taking him so long... Poor thing, he's not too
bright. [sigh]
Nabiki: Hmmm. If there was ever a martial art for me...
Wherever Nabiki happened to be, she would almost invariably mutter to
herself, "That jerk. What does he think he's trying to prove? Jerk,
jerk, jerk..."
Well, you restrained youself from using "baka," anyway. :j
Didn't feel right
Nodoka: WHAT?! FEEL the soap washing away....
It came to pass in about the fourth week of ten-yen torture that
Nabiki
decided she'd had enough. She started upping her extortion on Ranma,
catching him in all sorts of compromising positions. To her rising
frustration, however, he would either not care if she circulated her
photos or if he paid, she would never see that damn ten yen coin
among
the payment.
punc: ten yen
(Again, I think. Either consistently hyphenate or don't hyphenate
it. Here and above were the only two places where you used hyphens.)
I'll review the earlier instance, although here, I think it's necessary
because of the compound adjective, ten yen, used with a noun it's not
normally associated with.
After two more weeks of increased activity on the part of the middle
Tendou, Ranma was also becoming weary of the experiment; having
Nabiki
continually on one's case was enough to try anyone's endurance. Ranma
just knew that if he didn't draw this matter to a close, he'd end up
paying through the nose for it somehow, and since the 'experiment'
had
been someone else's brainchild, he went to see the source.
Why *doesn't* Ranma ever lay the blame on Hiroshi? Or at least give
him the ten yen peice and let him worry about it?
Because it wouldn't work. Hiroshi doesn't have the access to Nabiki, if
you'll pardon the phrase, that Ranma has. Ranma was his only hope of
making this work, really.
[...]
"I'll even put it in terms you can't possibly deny: Saotome Ranma, I
challenge you to pull this off and make Nabiki think you're enjoying
it!
You are, of course, free to ignore this challenge at any time," he
appended nervously.
This comes up a lot in Ranma lemons. I mean, Ranma doing this sort of
thing is so utterly OOC, one has to strain to figure out how to make
it happen.
So this sort of challenge is often issued.
I never bought it before, and I can't, here. I can Ranma not passing
up a *fight*. I can see Ranma not passing up a change to prove his
manliness. I can even see him fighting becuase someone called his
girl-side unpretty or unfeminine (weird guy), but not this.
I mean, he accepts challenges becuase of his pride. As a martial
artist. As a man, or a beautiful girl. But what part of his pride
is threatened by this challenge?
Of course, these comments aren't exactly helping. I can think of
two possible ways to keep this challenge that would be a little
more in character.
Firstly, I can see Ranma being offended by someone suggesting he
couldn't seduce Nabiki. That plays into both his male AND female
pride. Of course, sticking coin A up slot V woulnd't be involved
in this sort of thing.
Maybe he just put it in his panties and when Nabiki reaches for it,
in her excitement, she accidentally pushes it up... Uh, you know...
^_^;;;
Not good? Okay, we've got a backup!
What exactly is *Hiroshi* providing for this challenge? When Ranma
gets into a fight, or his masculinity (or femininity) is challenged,
the challenger is directly involved. Anytime Ryouga fights him.
When Kuno said "he was no man." When Tsubasa said she was butt ugly.
So this isn't a proper challenge from Hiroshi. There's even less of
a reason for Ranma to take it.
So what if he make it a double dare? Uh... Or rather, Ranma made a
counter-bet. "I'll do it, if you do <something degrading he thinks
Hirsohi would never do>" When Hiroshi accepts, it would put Ranma
on the spot.
Of course I leave it to your twisted mind to think of whatever that
bet could be. ;)
Heh, thanks, Doug. You're such a good person. :P
Admittedly, the challenge is weak, but you've given me an idea, although
it isn't lemony, about how to make it more convincing.
Ranma clenched his eyes shut and shook, at war with himself over the
need to accept any challenge and the desire to run like hell from it.
Fanboy: Nigero!
Lost me again.
Hiroshi sighed. "Whatever, Ranma. I just don't wanna hear any more
about
the oh-so-grand Saotome honor."
Ranma: We have honor?
Genma: News to me, boy.
Ranma: EEP! Who ARE you?
Genma: [pours warm water over his head] Hello, Dear.
Ranma: MOM?!?!?!
Doesn't seem to make much sense, does it?
[...]
"Hey, man, I'm not the one who's going to be feeling good over this,
ne?"
Japanese: over this, na?
(Okay, I don't know Japanese. But I recall seeing that "na" is the
male equivalane t of the female "ne." Someone feel free to prove me
wrong.)
I can only think of one instance that "na" is used as a stand-alone
interrogative particle, although I'm sure there's more. It's in Manatsu
no Eve when Tenchi is on the roof talking to Ryouko after he slapped her
earlier. Besides, Tenchi says "ne" often enough. And we KNOW what kind
of manly paragon Tenchi is, ne?
"Grrr!"
Hiroshi: That's much cuter when you're a girl. [runs]
Ranma-chan gives chase, brandishing a riding crop... wait, wrong fic. :P
[...]
"Freak of Nature," Ranma huffed as he jogged for home. <Oh, maaannn!
What have I gotten myself into now?!> "C'mon, Saotome, you're a MAN
and
don't back down for nothin'! ...Oh, maaannn! What am I gonna do?!"
Uh, what MAN would do what you're about to do? ^_^;
Hmmm, goes back to the challenge problem.
[...]
In a loose tank-top and short-shorts, Nabiki sat at her computer,
trying
to keep her mind on her financial books. She'd already gotten rid of
her
custom screensaver that showed various coined denominations of yen
floating by.
Kasumi: Replacing it with the Akane-malleting-Ranma animation is
cute, though.
Nabiki: True, and there should be a market for it on the Anti-Akane
webring...
[...]
"Hey, Nabiki-chan," she squeaked. The cold metal of the ten yen was
generating all sorts of strange sensations.
I will refrain from making comments about metal in electrolytic
solutions. Really. I will!
Oh? Done the necessary research, have you? ;)
[...]
"Heh," Ranma bigsweated, "I've, uh, hidden it somewhere in-- ERRR, on
my
*cough-cough* body. You, ah, can have it if ya can find iiit." Her
voice
cracked and squealed on the last word, but it went unnoticed because
Nabiki had completely lost her cool and face-faulted.
"You've *got* to be kidding," she moaned from the floor.
You know, after that slip of the tongue, I'd have figured Nabiki to
instantly deduce where to prob^H^H^H^H look.
Attack of the back-spacers! Run for your life!
Possibly, although the situation has stressed her a little since R's
offering her a different way, not that it turns out to be any better,
that won't create any photographic evidence.
[...]
Ranma beamed. "No prob. I washed it first."
Smart girl. [rolls eyes]
She has her moments.
[...]
However, Nabiki was not the daughter of a martial arts family for
nothing. "Hmph! Prepare yourself."
suggest: the daughter of a martial artist
or: a daughter from a martial arts
(She's not the family's daughter; she's Soun's.)
Mmmmaybe. I'm not sure the point's that strong, but I'll review it.
[...]
Nabiki stepped up and ran her hands through Ranma's hair. Easy
enough,
and it didn't do much for either, other than relaxing Ranma a little.
Convinced it wasn't there, she felt around the neck, shoulders, and
arms. Ranma squirmed a little, but it wasn't that bad, or so she
thought. Nabiki turned her attention to Ranma's front and was about
to
feel around Ranma's breasts, when she noticed that Ranma's nipples
had
hardened, so she stopped; it wasn't difficult at all to see through
the
material of the halter-top.
Since you're clearly playing this up here, Nabiki should pull out
Ranma's pigtail. He could have inserted it into the hairs of the
braid.
Hard to say. I don't have an accurate measurement of the dimensions of a
ten yen.
Hmmm...
[Nabiki's hand is hidden below-screen]
Ranma: Ah! Ah! Stop it! I can't take it anymore!
Nabiki: [frustrated] Where IS it? [reach stretch]
Ranma: Stop! It's not IN there! It's in my hair!
Nabiki: I already checked there.
Ranma: Not THAT hair!
Oh, dear. Reaching and stretching for the secondary point of entry, I
take it. Ewww.
"Oh, for the love of..."
Steeling herself, she felt around the bottom of the breasts, ran her
hands up the sides, over the swell at the top, through the cleavage,
back around the sides nearer the front, and finally over the peaks.
"Ah! Ah!"
"Can it!"
"Go-go-gomen."
sp: Go-go-Gadget
or: Mach Go-Go-Go
;)
yeah, yeah...
:)
Other coments aside, I really like this portrayal of Nabiki. Her
no-nensense comments are very refreshing. It's a nice change from
Nabiki the lesbo/bi that appears in just about every other lemon.
Thanks! I don't necessarily see her as lesbo/bi, although I suppose
anything's possibly given proper setup. I was more concerned here with
keeping her more or less IC.
It's interesting that you said that because this fic actually started
out as a semi-dark object lesson for Nabs, but I let it have its head,
and this came out.
[...]
"Mmblgrrrm," Ranma moaned. She blinked as she felt a wet warmth start
to
collect in her panties. <Oh, no!>
The sad thing is that, unlike just about every other bodily fluid,
what Ranma is experiencing is actually desided to help get foreign
bodies *into* her... ^_^;;
Shampoo: Is good, yes? Shampoo is foreign! How I get in? [peer]
Ranma: [flees]
...right into Kodachi's arms.
Kodachi: Oh, hohohoooo! It has come to my attention, Ranma-sama, that I
have European relations--
Ranma: [fleas, er, flees]
...right into Mariko's arms.
Mariko: F.. O.. R.. E.. I.. G.. (note that I didn't use "gaijin")
Ranma: [flops, er, flows, ERRR, flees]
...right into Doug's arms.
Doug: I'm completely foreign.
Ranma: Thank Kamisama. Let's go.
Scene closes with Ranma-chan running away into the sunset with a
startled gaijin.
:) :) :) :) :)
[...]
Nabiki shuddered, then knelt, grasped Ranma's boxers, and yanked them
down.
No comment. Just another sentence taken out of context...
[innocent whistle]
Sounds like something out of Accidental Goddess... Oh, wait! I wrote
that, too! :P :P :P :P :P (Sorry, more tongue emoticons)
[...]
Shaking her head, Nabiki looked straight at Ranma's panties and
finally
took note of the musky scent and the apparent moisture. She stared up
at
Ranma with disgust.
"This is turning you on, isn't it?"
Ranma multiple sweatdropped. "Anou... er, um, well... you *are* a
girl,
heh."
"Glad you noticed," she said icily, "but do you know how this makes
ME
feel?"
Nice dialogue. :)
Thanks!
[...]
Nabiki teetered on the edge of indecision. She REALLY wanted that ten
yen, but THIS! <Gad!>
Maybe she should fetch some chopsticks...?
*SHUDDER* That brings to mind coat hangers. Anyway, she'd probably draw
an audience that way.
[...]
"AAAAHHH!!" The sensation of soaked panties peeling and pulling away
>from tender bits had Ranma slapping the wall with the flat of her
hand.
"RANMA! WHAT are you DOING?! BE QUIET!!" Nabiki hissed fiercely.
You know, Akane's IS on the other side of that wall... Or are they
adjacent to Kasumi? An aside from one (or both) of the sisters'
point of view would be appropriate, here. ;)
Hmmm, possibly.
Akane: What is going ON in there?
P-chan: BWEE!! (Isn't P-chan dialogue really rather pointless?)
Akane: Right! I think Oneechan is sucking Ranma dry again.
P-chan: BUKIIIII?!?!
Akane: Of money. What did you think I meant?
P-chan: Whew! That's a relief-- er, Bwee!
Akane: [O_o] ...!
[...]
"EEK!! So-sorry... again."
Now he speaks English? :j
Sure! It's the Anglo-Japanese agreement on fanfic conventions. Didn't
you know? :P
[...]
Nabiki brought her hand forward and then stopped. "Uh, spread, *HACK*
your legs."
I await the sequel, wherein we discover Gosunkugi's newfound
fascination with the telephoto lens and directional mike...
Good material for him.
[...]
"Oh." And she did, subsequently spreading her legs to about
one-and-one-half shoulder widths.
Ah, ready stance. Although that's an odd kata he's starting...
Gives new meaning to "unrestricted grappling".
[naughty bits snipped]
*pout*
Nabiki felt the coin slide along the inside of one finger.
"Almost got... it..."
Red Leader: Negative, negative. It didn't go in.
It just impacted on the surface.
Gold Leader: I'm going in to make another run. Wait! My stabilizer's
been hit!! What IS that?! [Gold Leader watches the surface of a giant
mallet grow ever closer...
[...]
Nabiki's hand came out with a squelchy pop, and she presented that
deer-in-headlights look to her little sister. Ranma jerked and
screeched
once more as Nabiki's hand departed, and she then promptly passed
out,
dying the little death, and falling face-first against Nabiki's
thighs,
somehow managing to present her damp derriere for Akane's inspection.
So it sounds like a "squelchy pop," eh? ^_^;;;
Perhaps... It'll cost ya ten yen, er, fifty dollars to find out.
Since Ranma was backed against the wall, easrlier, I *really* have to
wonder how his butt ended up pointed at Akane... Maybe everyone's
positions could be clarified?
Well, she fell forward. I didn't mean to imply that she was *exactly*
rear-ending Akane, but enough was visible.
Akane gawked for two seconds and then wilted to the floor, a little
whisp of steam rising from the back of her head. P-chan went down
with
her, two jets of blood arcing from his snout.
By Newton's 3rd law, wouldn't the reaction to the jet stream of blood
make Akane fall backwards? ;)
To much mass to move--
*WHAM!*
Akane: Are you saying I'm FAT?!?!
Nabiki smacked herself on the forehead and only then realized what
she
had a handful of.
"Oh, GROSS!" Her hand came away, trailing fluid in a string.
Thank you for that imagery... [sympathises with Nabiki ;) ]
You're welcome. I live to serve... in a manner of speaking.
"Is everything all ri--" Kasumi stood in the doorway, staring and
trying
to make sense of what she was seeing: Nabiki wiping a mess off of her
hands and face; Ranma with her butt in the air and... leaking; Akane
face-down on the floor and unmoving; and P-chan squirting blood from
his
snout. Without blinking, Kasumi turned around and staggered down the
stairs.
"Fa-Father," she called. "I th-think we have a small p-problem."
Motherly instincts were not designed to cope with this parTICular
scenario...
PreCISEly.
[...]
"Nabiki, dear, Ranma has taken your virtue. It seems that--"
Ranma shot to her feet. "HEY! SHE had HER hand up *MY*... uh... Well,
I
didn't take nobody's virtue!" She slumped back into her place,
stewing
and embarrassed at the same time.
Akane: So somebody else already took your virtue?
Ranma: There's no good way to answer this, is there?
Heh. Wait for it.
[...]
Everyone but Ranma and Nabiki face-faulted. Soun was shortly in
full-blown wail #1002: 'My daughter's a prostitute! Or is Ranma a
prostitute?! I'm so confused! And for very little money!!'
Soun: Why didn't you see me first? You could have come to me
if you needed money! I would have paid you!
Everyone else: [bigsweats]
Ranma: How much ya got in yer pocket right now?
Soun: [blink]
Ranma: You DO have somethin' in yer pocket?
Sorry, folks. That's all for this edition of... As The Tendou Turns!
Akane: Turns?
Kasumi: You know, as in 'rotate'.
Akane: Rotate?
Kasumi: *sigh* Ranma-kun, shall we demonstrate?
Ranma: [drooling] Un!
Okay, that's enough of this rot... :P
[...]
"Well... whose idea was it?" Kasumi innocently asked.
Deflating, Ranma slumped back into her seat. "I can't tell ya. I
promised."
No, he didn't.
Hmmm, you're right. Will fix.
[...]
"Akane! I... I... Aw, don't cry! It just got outta hand. I... I'm
sorry."
So next time, keep the ten yen *in* your hand.
Ba-dum! Swish!
[...]
Genma proceeded to repeatedly beat his son-now-daughter over the
head,
hoping to induce unconsciousness. Ranma was having none of it.
Several
nasty kicks and punches later, an unconscious *panda* lay in the
Tendou
backyard.
suggest: beat his not-particularly manly son
or: son (now daughter) over
I'll review the possibilities. None, including my own, really enchant
me.
[...]
"Oh, my! And did you say Ranma fell into it, too?" Nodoka put her
hand
up to her mouth. "He's a panda, also?!"
Nodoka: Oh, no! Don't tell me I fed him Akane's cooking, that time!
suggest: He's a panda, too?
(It's generally clearer ending a sentence with too,
but using also in the beginning or middle.)
Agreed.
[...]
"He *is* all right?" Nodoka surreptitiously looked around for her
katana, but it didn't seem to be present.
They must have peace-bonded it when she entered the Ranma convention.
Nodoka: Oh! So many manly sons!
[...]
"Ranko! You're not wearing a bra! Why, you can almost see
EVERY-thing!!"
Ranma whipped her arms around and in front of her chest. "Uh..."
"And did I hear someone calling you a... RANKO! YOU DIDN'T!!"
Ranma blinked. "Didn't what?"
"Did a man take your virtue?!"
Uh... Non-sequitur? This sorta comes outta left field from Nodoka.
Urrr, really? It seems to flow okay to me. I mean, she walked in when
Genma called Ranma a redheaded slut - the implication that a man took
her virtue seems well-established.
[...]
Putting a finger in her mouth, Ranma worked that one over, but she
did
finally get it. "GAH!! No way!! With NABIKI?!?!"
Nodoka: Oh...
Ranma: It's me an' Akane!
Akane: Augh! Will I never live this chartacterization down! I hate
*boys*! That means I want a *man,* not a *girl*! [stomp fume]
*sigh* Tired joke, Doug. :)
[...]
"Gah! I was just tryin' to let her have that DAMN ten yen!" Ranma
wrung
her hands.
"What ten yen?"
"The one that's still in my..." She was pointing at her crotch when
Nodoka fainted again.
I have to ask, is the ten yen named "Virtue?" :j
Everyone seems to want to take it from Ranma...
Oh... Oh, you really set yourself up for this one:
Azusa: Virtue-chan!
Ranma, being hauled away by a grip at the junction of her legs: OWWW!
(oops!) ITEEEEEE!!!
Azusa: I'll take you home, shine you up, and we'll live happily ever
after! Ne, Virtue-chan?
Ranma: HEEELLPP MEEEEEE!!!
[...]
Akane wouldn't have left her room, but the call of nature really
couldn't be ignored any longer. She shuffled out, down the stairs,
and
to the bathroom. She slid the door open, and her eyes bulged out and
her
mouth gaped.
"AWWW, MAAANNN!! AKANEEEEE!!! GO A-WAAAY!"
suggest: "C- Could you maybe come back later, Akane?"
(Ranma was really upset at Akane's earlier reaction; I don't see
him flippantly blowing off Akane like this.)
What's flippant about being caught sitting on the commode with two metal
handles sticking out of... there?
Akane quietly shut the door and leaned against it, still showing
dinner-plate eyes. She gave passing thought to a scream, but the
range
of possible subjects to scream about tied her tongue. She stumbled
away,
desperately trying to erase the image of Ranma with two metal handles
sticking out of her... place.
suggest: She gave a passing thought to screaming
Mmm, disagree. Potatos to potatoes.
So... How did she deal with the call of nature?
Happousai *likes* water sports. (Twisted enough for ya?) :P
[...]
"Onna... a girl... I see," she said, her voice growing abruptly
stern.
"And where might this 'girl' be found?"
It's a little weird, seeing Nodoka use the same word in Japanese and
English. You've already used "onna" without explanation above; do you
need it now?
Perhaps not. Although it doesn't really solve your point, try:
"Onna... I see..." she said, her voice growing abruptly stern. "And
where might this 'girl' be found?"
[...]
"ARE YOU AS BLIND AS MOUSSE, LADY?! HE'S RIGHT THERE!!"
My congratulations at not turning HE'S into HE"S. ;)
? Sure, uh, Doug. You're welcome... Oh! You mean not shift-keying the
apostrophe. Got it.
[...]
"When ya first came to visit, Pops told me about the, uh, promise
about
me bein' a man and all, and he made me hide." She wrung her hands in
shame. "I didn't want ta, but..."
"I'm guessing he made me out to be some monster, ne?"
Ranma looked out from under her brows. "Kinda... yeah."
Rightfully so, in the manga. ^_^ She *was* going to kill him for
wearing girl's clothes...
Right.
[...]
"Your... curse is a problem. However, you did try to seduce your
fiancee's sister, even while a girl, so I suppose I can overlook it."
She rubbed her forehead. "I have a daughter now instead of a son,
even
if she acts manly. We'll have to work on that. No daughter of mine
will
go around--"
Rationalization is such a wonderful thing. [heartfealt sigh]
It's one of her finer qualities. :)
[...]
Taking a break so he could towel off and get into some decent
clothing,
Ranma found himself in front of, and gazing longingly at, Akane's
bedroom door. [...]
Yuka: I guess Akane's not the only one into doors...
Sayuri: Too weird.
Yuka: It must've rubbed off on poor Ranma-kun.
Sayuri: How does something like that "rub" off?
Yuka: Hmmm, I could show you. Are you free for about the next, oh,
twenty minutes?
[...]
"I don't want to have to say this again, so listen this time. You've
ruined it. You took something away from me, something that can't be
returned."
Ranma: Isn't that my line for Nabiki?
Ba-dum! Swish!
[...]
"Now, Son, what are we going to do about this mess with Nabiki and
your
fiancee?"
This needs to be clarified. Does it mean Nabiki and Akane, or
Nabiki as Ranma's new fiancee?
Nabiki and Akane. Will fix.
[...]
"Oh, dear. I suppose I will have to talk to Soun about Nabiki's, ah,
sexual preference."
*THUMP!*
Nabiki had face-faulted from the position in which she'd been
listening,
and her head and shoulders were visible through the open shoji.
Nodoka beamed at Ranma. "I think she likes you."
Ranma turned green, and Nabiki moaned from the floor.
Nodoka: She *really* likes you! Look at her moan!
Nabiki: That's it; I'm outta here.
Ranma, deciding to play it up, tackles the fleeing Tendou: Wait, er,
CHOTTO MATTE KUDASAI!! Ai shiteru, Nabiki-chan. Oopsie! I better go get
some cold waaa-ter (singing). Then you can be my aijin-no-onna!!
Nabiki: Oog... urg... ack...
Ranma: Okaasama said it was OOOO-Kay!
Nabiki: ... ... ... oog ... ...
Ranma: I knew you'd see it my way! Oooo! Ranma Nabiki dai suki!
Nabiki: ... o ... o ... g ...
(Just in case you haven't had enough Japanese-in-English today. ~_^)
[...]
They both sprang into action, but Ranma's decade-plus of martial arts
training gave him the advantage. He had snatched the coin by a wide
margin, leaving a fuming Nabiki to slap her palm where it had lain.
suggest: Ranma's decade of
or: years of
(While I know what you mean, decard-plus looks weird.)
Yes, I agree. Decard-plus *does* look strange. :P Seriously, will fix.
[...]
Nodoka took her not-so-gently by the arm. "Let's have a little talk,
Nabiki-chan, about your, ah, interest in the, er, fairer sex."
"URK!!" But struggle and protest as she might, she couldn't break the
grip of the Saotome matriarch.
<Take your time, Ranma,> Nodoka thought. <I'll manage the house spy.>
Nodoka: So, you like girls... Do you think I'm pretty?
Nabiki: ...!
Nodoka: [thinks] Well, thinking up a proper response to that will
keep her busy for a while...
Unfortunately...
Nabiki: YES!! Yes, oh, YES!!!
*GLOMP!*
Nodoka, finding herself with a mouth full of Nabiki's tongue: MBLGRF!!
How does Nodoka know that Nabiki is "the house spy"?
Ranma told her on their walk. Besides, Nabiki gave herself away when she
face-faulted where they could see her... No?
[...]
Her face fell back into the set of stone she'd had earlier in the
tearoom. "I'm not going to say this ever again: go - a - way. I never
want to see you again."
Ranma: Well, I live here, so that'd be kinda difficult.
Akane: [glare]
Ranma: [wilting] Tough croud.
suggest: Go. A. Way.
Will do.
[...]
"If you EVER do anything like that again, I'll tell Shampoo and Ukyou
AND Kodachi how much you like sticking things up inside! GOT IT?!"
Shampoo: Is all good!
Ukyo: No problem!
Kodachi: Of course my dear Ranma likes that!
Akane: I meant up herself.
Shampoo: Aiya!
Ukyo: Um... What? [littlesweat]
Kodachi: My Ranma dearest isn't like that!
Shampoo: Amazon law say womans that do that have very bad place.
Akane: What do you mean?
Shampoo, pointing at crotch: Very bad place.
Akane, turning green: Oog.
Ukyou: What, rust?
[Group face-fault]
[...]
[ Epilogue - Seven Weeks Later ]
(It took a while to get the coin out. ^_^; )
Akane *likes* to experiment, or haven't you read "Fantasy Life"? :)
[...]
"Yeah. A ten yen? You act like it's special or somethin'."
suggest: Ten yen?
or: A ten yen coin?
ARGH! Okay, okay. I'll look them over.
[...]
All in all, this was a good fic. What I liked best about it was
the treatment of Nabiki. She's in character the whole time (even
the naughty bits), and it's interesting to see how far she'll go
for ten yen.
Thanks!
As I've said before, I think the challenge is a little weak for a
plot point.
Agreed, and I think I have a way of strengthening it somewhat.
Of course, this same plot point has been used many
times before, so you've got plenty of company.
True.
I think Hiroshi should play a bigger role, considering this whole
thing is his idea.
Possibly, but that would entail a massive rewrite, and frankly, I'm just
unwilling. Too many other projects demanding time and all that.
Keep up the fun writing, ;)
Thanks! You, too.
As always, your C&C is a pleasure. Thanks for the time and effort.
Ja!
Dave
************************************
D.F. Roeder
Fanfiction - http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html