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The Garden of Ranma 1:1
by
Chris Jones
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In the beginning, the world had become dark and void.
Goku: Err... Sorry 'bout that. Kinda got carried away
with that last ki-blast.
...And Kami-sama looked down upon the world and decided
that it would Just Not Do. On the first day, Kami-sama
divided the firmament from the heavens, etc.. etc..
It wasn't until the sixth day when verily, did
Kami- sama create the first animals. On the earth she
created Pig and Cat and Panda, and all the multitudes
of things that creep on the ground, swim in the sea and
fly through the air. At the end of the sixth day,
Kami-sama created man, and placed him in the Garden of
Eden.
"Hmm..., this is kinda different," the man, whom
Kami-sama called 'Ranma', uttered.
"Ranma, unto you, I give the earth and dominion
over the beasts of the field, the fishes of the sea and
the fowl of the air."
"Hey, that's cool," Ranma noted, pulling his hair
into a pigtail. "But what's with this hot water-cold
water thing?"
"Ah," Kami-sama explained, "All things must be
male and female."
"Oh," Ranma answered, not really getting it.
Ranma did befriend Pig and Cat and Panda, and did
taunt Pig mightily for entertainment.
Kami-sama did allow this, for she had a wicked
sense of humor.
Ranma was troubled, however. "Oh Lord," he asked
one day. "There is much to do in the Garden of Eden,
but..."
"But what, Ranma?" Kami-sama replied, already
knowing what Ranma was going to ask.
"Pig's fun to pick on, but I need somebody who
can fight back."
"Ah." Since the Lord did indeed have a truly
vicious sense of humor, she made it so that Ranma was
asleep for a time and took one rib from his chest. From
this rib, she did create woman from man.
Ranma called her 'Akane' which meant 'Annoying
Tomboy' in ancient Aramaic. Ranma and Akane did fight
mightily in the Garden of Eden.
"Stop picking on Pig," Akane would proclaim
angrily. When Ranma did not, Akane did mallet him
profusely about the head and shoulders.
Kami-sama saw this, and saw that this was good.
She also saw the way that Ranma and Akane looked at
each other when they thought she wasn't looking and saw
that this was *also* good.
There was, however, one last thing to do before
she left humanity to its own devices.
"Ranma, Akane," she called out one day. "I have
placed in the Garden two new trees. And you both know
that you may eat of the fruit of any tree in the
Garden"
"Urrss..." Ranma proclaimed, being in the process
of glutting himself on the fruit of the peach tree.
"Don't eat like a animal," Akane proclaimed,
whapping Ranma soundly for his crudity.
"The tree on the right is the Tree of Life. If
you eat of this tree, you may have everlasting life.
The tree on the left is the Tree of Knowledge. You may
not consume the fruit of this new trees, lest you
disobey me."
"No prob. You got anything wrong with that,
Akane."
"Un-uh," Akane did agree.
Time passed in the Garden, and Akane found that
since Ranma had been alive longer and had more skill,
he tended to win their fights. In fact, Ranma had
become so skilled that he stopped fighting back, and
merely dodged the strongest of Akane's attacks. Akane,
being of mighty and glorious temper, ranted at length.
One day, a serpent entered the garden.
"What's your name," Akane asked.
"Ah," the serpent replied. "I am but a mysterious
stranger," the serpent answered with a grin. In fact,
he never stopped grinning. "A humble servant of Kami-
sama."
"Oh, okay." Akane readied herself to leave, but
the mysterious stranger stopped her.
"I can't help but notice," the stranger said,
"that you cannot fight the other man here."
Akane did glower angrily. Her battle aura did
light the Garden in wake of the stranger's words. "So
what!" she shouted.
"If you were to eat the fruit of the Tree of
Knowledge," the stranger explained. "You would be
knowledgeable enough to fight him."
Akane thought strongly on that, for Kami-sama had
forbid her to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Ranma did
vex her thuroughly, though, so Akane, heeding the
serpents words, did eat from the Tree of Knowledge.
"So why are you helping me?" Akane asked as she
ate.
"Ah! That is a secret!"
Then she did go and put on some clothes, because
she realized that Ranma had been staring at her unclad
body. Once having covered herself, she shouted
"PERVERT!" and "PEEPING TOM!" throughout the Garden and
did mallet Ranma soundly.
Ranma, in his ire and desire to not be defeated,
ate of the Tree of Knowledge. He had bathed in cold
water that morning, so his first thought was, "Oh,
Kami-sama, I've got breasts!" his second thought was,
"Akane must be a pervert too if she's been looking at
me like this!"
Then did Kami-sama direct her attention back to
the Garden. "Ranma, Akane, I am back. Have you been
good children?"
"Urrr..."
"Umm..."
"Ranma, you are wearing clothes made of fig
leaves. What was wrong with the body I made you?"
"Well," Ranma answered in his haste. "I uh... was
kinda naked."
"The knowledge of that comes only from the Tree
of Knowledge, Ranma. Did you eat from the Tree of
Knowledge?"
"Urr..."
"Don't lie, Ranma," Kami-sama advised. "I can see
the stains on your shirt."
"Akane did it first!"
"Is this true, Akane?"
"Kinda..."
Kami-sama sighed at great length and did eject
Ranma and Akane from the Garden.
"This is all your fault, Ranma," Akane did
proclaim.
"Go now, and tame the beasts of the earth," Kami-
sama commanded. "And toil in the field, for no longer
shall the Garden feed you."
"Man..." Ranma complained.
At this point, a small, wizened monkey leaped out
of the bushes and stole Akane's fig-leaf panties and
did proclaim loudly, "SWEETO!"
"You wanna talk about perverts," Ranma suggested.
"And you!" Kami-sama addressed the serpent.
"Me?" he asked innocently.
"I have some very strong words for you!"
"Oh, dear me!" did the serpent proclaim, still
grinning.
"Now what do we do?" Akane asked.
"Well..." Ranma noted, always ready with a plan,
"There was that 'go forth and be fruitful' thing She
was talking about earlier. Maybe we can get back into
the Garden if we get back on Her good side..."
"Okay."
"Growf," Panda said.
"Meow," Cat said.
"BWEEEEEEE!!!!" Pig said as he did nibble
mightily on Ranma's ankle.
_ _ _
*Sigh*
My Simplenet account is currently dead. I'm trying to get it back up, so
bear with me. Until I do, I'll happily field any mail requests for my fics.
Just to let you all know I still care (and am still working on the thing),
here's a snippet from one of the upcoming chapters or 'THE CLAN':
* * *
Muko-dono was sharp in battle, but he had a way to go
with his social skils. "I take it you've seen vampires
then?"
"Huh? Oh, no. I was just wondering if they might
be related since the raveners seem to crave blood so
much," he ad-libbed.
Cologne suppressed a sigh. He could be so
transparent sometimes.
"One of the worst sins, as dictated to the first
matriarch by the goddesses, is cannabalism. As a matter
of fact, in Amazon religion, it's second only to murder
and rape."
Ranma nodded, non-plussed. "So what's that gotta
do with vampires?"
"You really are dense, aren't you, boy? Vampirism
is the same thing. Vampires drink human blood in a dark
rite to fuel their unholy powers."
Ranma nodded again, understanding slowly dawning
across his face.
"Tribes of vampires have come to our village
before on occasion," Cologne related. "Occasionally to
recruit, but usually to try to trade for our blood."
"I bet you didn't wanna give it to 'em, either,
huh?"
Cologned nodded. "In fact, when such a thing
happens, the entire village mobilizes to destroy the
monsters. Over the 3000 year history of the villiage,
we have collected the skulls of over a dozen vampires.
As a matter of fact, since a vampire is so difficult to
truly kill, they're amoung the most prized of our
trophies. Are you thinking of adding to our collection,
Mouko-dono?"
Ranma shrugged. "Has anyone ever tried to...
*cure* a vampire?" Ranma asked, doing his best to hide
his intention.
* * *
*smirk*
Until later then...
* * *
C. Jones - guilty@arn.net - http://cyberwheel.simplenet.com
* * *
Raw Data -
Number of party-goers expected to visit
Las Vegas for New Year's Eve: 750,000
Number of hotel rooms in Vegas: 120,000