At 12:54 AM 12/10/99 -0500, DB Sommer wrote:
Came across this on a disk a little while ago. This is actually a revision
of something that I posted a little over two years ago (back when I was
REALLY not good)
Eh, it's all comparative. I think the truest sign of any writer's
development is an increasing dissatisfaction with previous works. :)
and which few people will probably remember. Hopefully it
should read a good bit better now, and I plan on writing more to it once my
previous commitments are finished (like Vacation Days). I finally got a
title I liked too.
It's right for the story, yeah; good titles are hard.
Commenting as I go along...
Those were the last words she heard in the dream before she woke up. The
morning light streamed through the pink curtains of the single, small
window in her bedroom at the Nekohantan. Light poured into her eyes, prying
them open and rousing her for a new day.
I recommend conjucting the last two sentences here into one, or altering
them, as they currently both start with the same subject (light).
It took her a moment to recall
those last words that had lingered in her mind, but when she tried to
remember the dream itself, she failed. It had faded with the new day.
Something about the first sentence in this section seems awkward; I think
it's got something to do with the repeat of 'last words', which you used
only a few sentences earlier in the same paragraph.
That really wasn't important. Shampoo went to her window and gazed at the
world. Outside, it was a day like any other, or at least it would seem that
way to everyone else. To her it was a special day; her favorite day of the
year, ever since she was a little girl. The sort of day that came only once
a year. It was her birthday.
Ack. So many uses of "day", one after the other, most of 'em all saying
basically the same thing, leading up to a revelation that we've already
grasped from the beginning of the fic. I'd suggest trimming this part, it
reads very chunkily.
At long last she was seventeen, and like a fine wine she had gotten better
with every year, and this one was no exception.
A more natural flow for this sentence might be:
At long last she was seventeen; like a fine wine, she had gotten better,
and this one was no exception.
Shsmpoo
Shampoo
jumped out of bed and quickly threw on her most attractive red and
green outfit to impress her husband.
Very imprecise description. Narrow it down, make it more precise. If what
she's wearing is important enough to mention, the description needs to be
less general.
She was going to start his day right
by giving him one of her patented morning glomp's
glomps
to get him going.
Nice to see the author of Shampoo 1/2 giving a more traditional,
manga-based depiction of Shampoo. :)
The idea that her own great grandmother had forgotten the important date
was depressing, but Shampoo wasn't going to let a little fact like that
ruin her day. In order to cheer up, she was going to march right over to
Ranma's house and get him to celebrate with her immediately. It would not
be as though it was a surprise. Earlier in the week, she had dropped
several hints that her birthday was coming up and gave him a couple of
ideas on what to get her. Since it wasn't likely he would run off to China
with her (the first choice) she had given him an alternate gift idea of a
pair of pretty earrings that she had seen in a store the other day. The
best part was that the jewelry was dirt cheap. Even Ranma, as broke as he
usually was, could afford to get them for her.
Yes, but this is assuming...
a) Ranma cares about her
b) Ranma remembers
c) Ranma is more sensitive than a dead tree
:D
As Shampoo exited the Nekohantan, she finally noticed that Mousse wasn't
present. That was a bit odd. He tended to be almost as enthusiastic about
her birthdays as she was. He was as reliable as clockwork.
Again, you could conjuct these last two sentences into one with little
difficulty.
That depressing thought triggered others, and that horrible wedding fiasco
was at the top of the list. That incident had almost literally blown up in
her face. Ranma hadn't talked to anyone for almost a week before eventually
forgiving all of them for their behavior at the wedding. Actually, offering
to repair the damage went a long way to that forgiveness. Shampoo had not
wanted to destroy Ranma's house,
Destroy? Hardly; the wedding bombing does a little damage to the dojo, but
nothing at all to the house, at least from what can be observed in the
manga.
She prepared to hop onto her bike and race down to the Tendous when she
remembered that given its current shape, she would have been better off
walking. She became depressed again as she forced herself to look at it. It
had served her admirably in the year since she had come to Japan, but now
there was nothing left but a crumpled lump of metal that looked more like a
modern art sculpture than a bike. Using it as a weapon to run down Tarou in
his monster form had not been such a good idea. True, it had bought Ranma
the time he had needed to get some hot water and change the arrogant ass
back into his human form. That had allowed Ranma to beat the hell out of
him, but Tarou had managed to get his hands on the bike first and crumpled
it into the twisted metal ruin before her eyes.
Hmm? Shampoo's bike seems perfectly fine in V37 (she's riding it when
she's captured by Koruma and Masara with the mind-control eggs), and that's
long after Tarou makes his final manga appearance. Even if Shampoo's bike
did get wrecked by Tarou, it's so essential to the business (for deliveries
and otherwise) that Cologne would probably just buy her a new one.
She briefly thought about going over to Ukyou's. Surprisingly, she and the
chef had gotten along a lot better since they had to team up to stop the
wedding. Part of the reason for that new partnership was that they were
both able to openly acknowledge that they were losing in the 'Ranma Fiancee
War'. Ranma and Akane had seemed to be getting closer lately -as though the
idea they were going on training trips together wasn't evidence enough of
that. It was taking all of their combined resources to keep the two apart,
and it still felt like they were slowly losing ground. If they had not
teamed up, there was no telling what would have happened by now.
Teamed up? I suppose that's a valid interpretation; I always got the
impression they just decided independently to bomb the wedding, and
happened to do it at the same time. :)
Shampoo eventually made her way to the restaurant and entered 'Ucchan's.
Ucchan's.
"Hi, Shampoo-chan," Konatsu greeted in return. He had taken to calling her
that since she dropped by so often. Shampoo didn't really mind it. It made
her feel wanted.
Hmm. Konatsu really doesn't do the -chan thing, or at least that's the
impression I've gotten. He tends to call everyone -san or -sama; -chan is
too familiar for him.
Konatsu continued. "Ukyou-sama said something about going to visit her
relatives in Kyoto. She should be back in a couple of days. In the
meantime, she's letting me run things. And she's paying me an extra twenty
five yen an hour!" He beamed.
Shampoo thought that was nice; he was almost making minimum wage.
Not even close; twenty-five yen is about a quarter at current exchange
rates, I think.
The news,
however, depressed the hell out of her. She had really wanted to see Ukyou.
Wasn't there anybody to celebrate her birthday with?
Everyone's gonna jump out now and yell "SURPRISE!". Right? Right? Good
pathos.
Shampoo shook her head. It was too much to expect that Ukyou had
remembered, or cared enough, to get her a present. Well, Ukyou would just
get the same when her birthday rolled around, Shampoo thought bitterly to
herself. Maybe Konatsu would like to celebrate it with her. She was about
to make him the offer when several groups of customers came in at the same
time. She realized he was going to be busy for a while, and perhaps all
day. There was no chance of he would abandon his post and celebrate with
her, not that she really knew him that well to begin with. It was with a
depressed sigh she made her farewell and departed.
Shun the passive voice! :)
Suggest: "With a depressed sigh, she made her farewell, and departed."
Eventually Mousse stopped walking and looked down at his watch. He began
looking aound, obviously waiting for somehting.
something.
As Shampoo picked herself up, she watched Akari Unryuu rush up to Mousse
and leap into his arms, laughing in joy. Mousse held her up by the waist
and spun her around, as though he wanted everyone in the park to see their
joy. After spinning her around twice in the air, he gently set her down and
she gave her a chance to accept the flowers he had dropped to the ground
when she leaped onto him. The pair sat on a bench, close to one another in
a much more reserved fashion than their initial greeting. For some odd
reason, they almost seemed ashamed of their sudden display of affection,
even going so far as to blush. Shampoo could not help noticing that their
hands crept slowly towards one another. After almost twenty seconds of
excruciating slowness, their hands met, intertwining their fingers with one
another. Shampoo recognized the gentleness the two used in that handhold:
it was a lover's grasp. It was something Shampoo had received from anyone.
I assume that last sentence should be "something Shampoo had never received
from anyone.", or suchlike.
"It won't come to that. Ryouga would never hurt a girl, no matter what.
Even one that," Her voice caught a little, "that breaks up with him. If he
gets really angry, I'll just point out that he was already betraying me
when he kept sleeping with Akane as P-Chan."
Akari knows about this now? I don't think she does in the manga.
'Compass' finally spoke up. "Why did Akari have to go with Mousse?"
Mousse and Akari... I have a real problem with this. Even if they were
intending a surprise party for Shampoo, I don't think either Akari or
Ryouga would agree to a deception such as this. Akari's too shy, and
Ryouga's too jealous.
If you're laying groundwork for future chapters here, you really need to
work on the Mousse/Akari angle more. Don't have them get so close
immediately after the deception, as you have them doing here. This part
needs work, IMO, to make it plausible in the reader's mind.
In the back alleys of Nerima, Shampoo found herself becoming increasingly
depressed over the whole events of the day. It was a microcosm of her life.
Nothing ever worked out. Her husband rejected her out of hand. She was
stuck with a stupid curse. She had no real friends here or in China. The
price of being the best there meant everyone saw her as a goal to shoot for
instead of a human being, so no one other than Mousse ever really talked to
her. Now there wasn't anyone that cared. She was alone
Given Shampoo's general inability to perceive the truth of a situation
(endemic to the entire cast, but especially her) and that you've earlier
established this as part of her character in the fic (near the beginning),
I don't find such sudden self-realization plausible, even after the day
she's had. There's no point I can find where the epithany that changes her
view of her situation so absolutely occurs--no sudden flash of
insight--and, as such, I don't find her sudden ability to see with such
depressing clarity her situation to be plausible.
This needs to be worked on as well... perhaps it could come when she
witnesses Mousse and Akari? The development from naivete to wisdom seems
to come without an obvious bridge; Shampoo in the manga is always bubbly
and cheerful and happy, and also very ignorant of the true reasons behind
things. You've established that she's like this at the beginning of the
fic; the change needs work.
She flew through the air as the car impacted with her body. Her mind shut
down momentarily as pain beyond imagination ripped through her. Then the
mind reset itself as synapses started to alert her to what exactly was
wrong with her body: everything. She didn't even have time to go into shock
as even more agony flooded into her. She couldn't breathe, she was coughing
up blood from lungs punctured by ribs and filling with her own internal
fluids. More messages of pain came in from an appendage as she could dimly
see a bone sticking out of her leg. Sticking way out. Her body overrode
that injury and made her pay attention to what was going on inside. Her
internal organs were a mess, it felt like someone was sticking flame
throwers in her guts and firing them. Too much pain. Too much.
Yes, and here comes the promised Nuku Nuku aspect...
This is a point where abrupt transition acts very well, to shock and
surprise the reader. Unfortunately, those familiar with Nuku-Nuku have
probably already seen it coming from the start.
Later:
Ack. I don't like descriptive shorthands like this; you can establish it's
later from context and narrative, you don't need to explicitly tell the
reader that it's later. :/
Happy birthday, Nuku-Nuku.
Ahh. Excellent circular continuity with the opening lines.
***
General comments:
I don't have any problem at all with the central idea (Shampoo's cat brain
replacing the cat brain used to create Nuku-Nuku); it works very well,
makes a lot of sense, and presents a number of interesting possibilities.
My problems are with various aspects of the story as noted above, mainly
Mousse/Akari and Shampoo's sudden self-awareness. I think those aspects
need work if they're to plausibly succeed.
I assume the Machiavellian surprise party plans are necessary for what will
occur in later chapters; I find them a bit excessive myself, but, then
again, the Ranma characters tend to excess quite often.
Writing, as I would expect, is excellent.
Basically, I think you have a good story idea here, and your central idea
is executed very well. Work on the smaller details, as I noted above, and
it'll be a winner.
Eager to see the next part!
Ciao,
-Alan Harnum