I'm terribly sorry if I scared anyone by announcing
my indefinite
departure from the FFML and writing. As such, I feel I owe
all of you an
explanation.
Ok. I don't feel you _owe_ me anything, but I'll listen. :)
This was NOT a plea for attention, pity, or sympathy.
Burn-out was
part of the whole, but just a part. I was feeling low at the
time, and I
mean VERY low. Depressed, really. On top of that, I was confused and
terribly frightened. It had been building for quite some
time, it didn't
just happen to me all at once.
Oooh... that sucks. I feel for you, man - I've been there myself
(long story, but the gist is, it was when I first learned I had diabetes).
It wasn't anything financial or anything, but
emotional and even
spiritual. I was feeling out of touch with myself, and with
God. It's a long
and painful story, one that doesn't belong on the list, so
I'll just give
the highlights as they relate to my departure.
I was feeling low, as I've said before, so low that I
felt that not
even God could forgive me, or love me. I've made some
terrible mistakes in
my time, and thought some awful things, but that's neither
here nor there. I
didn't say so on the list because, well, it was MY problem
and I didn't want
to really scare anyone out there. I don't know if I would
have contemplated
suicide, and I'm glad I didn't have to find out.
I was also afraid, afraid that my writing was not
only useless, but
that God wouldn't approve. Some may call that silly, but it's
the truth.
Skip ahead to this morning, and a few bits about a prayer and
reading some
of the Good Book.
I find the Bible to be soothing, myself, even though I'm decidedly
non-religious.
I spoke with my mother, whom I happen to live with to
help care for
my grandmother (another part of that long tale, though not
painful), and she
helped me out. She made me feel that yes, I WAS loved, not
only by her, not
only by you, but also by God. And friends, that really helped a lot.
She knows of my writing (me having really gotten into it
around the fourth
grade with those moronic Spelling & Writing asignments in the Spelling
texts), and asured me that I have a gift, and that I would
not have it if I
wasn't meant to use it. Judging from responses I've gotten
from my fics, I
came to believe it.
It's true. Man, I wish I had half the gift for words that you do.
I can admit that my writing is _technically_ good (ie, little/no
misspellings, grammar ok, etc), but putting the reader into the story...
getting them to feel what the protagonist is feeling... I have a hard time
with that, when I succeed at all.
Note, this is not me becoming a religious fanatic.
One thing I do
not like is a Bible thumper who tries to brow-beat others
into converting
and whatnot. I'm a bit more mellow than that. ^_^
Glad to hear it. :)
And so, I would not only like to thank her and God, but also
everyone who sent me well wishes and advice on my
(thankfully) short leave
of absence:
Grayson Towler
Gary Kleppe
Allyn Yonge
Maurice Phillip
Joe-Chi-Ohki Mackenzie
Beky neRichnead
Azatlan
Keener Barnes
Ranko
James Epnett
Kikyou Kazama
AlphSailor
Aaron Woods
Turk187
Brian Payne
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen of the FFML, Jed M. Bidwell
is BACK!!!!!! ^_^
HURRAAAAY!!!!
Man, you scared me there. :)
BTW, this is not just an announcement of my return.
Following this
message are new and revised fanfics from yours truly. My
writer's block
didn't just vanish, it shattered completely and ideas that
had been there
came rushing in and crowding to get on the screen. There's
all sorts of
goodies here...
I see that! <blink blink> 1..2..3..4..5...6 posts? Wow...
Amazing Spiderman: Issues 4-6 revised. I altered the
plot a bit,
removing the yen plates and counterfieting angle with
something a bit more,
well, not scientifically realistic per se, but very nasty.
If you're referring to Otto, well, er, yes. Nasty would be the
correct term. If you're referring to what is in the briefcases, well...
couldn't tell ya - I haven't found out yet! :P
Jet Moto: a rough draft of Chapter Nine. No revisions
to earlier
stuff, though. Note that some of the scenes came from Arthur
Edwards, a
pre-reader and contributor to my efforts. His Tom Clancy-ish
style really
fits with Jet Moto, and he's a good guy to boot. Also, he got
me interested
in Clancy novels in the first place. ^_^
Clancy writes some good stuff, although he's a bit dry in places. :)
I like the whole hacking scene - very spiff, IMO. Imagining Gos's face when
he opens the door to the agents was PRICELESS. :)
The Omega Project: Rough draft of Part Three.
Guys and gals, it's good to be back.
It's great to have you back, man. I'm going to C&C the stuff you
sent me, AND get the Couch up-to-date, this weekend. I've scheduled it,
even. :) It. Will. Be. Done.
:)
It's great to have you back, man. I'm really looking forward to the
rest of your work.
Brian Payne
sofaspud@ior.com
brianp@nhspokane.com
Silver bells.... silver bells... it's fanfic time, at the Couch....
:)
http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud (new domain coming soon!)