From:
"KaraOhki" <karaohki@snet.net> | Block
address
To:
"ffml" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject:
[FFML] [fanfic][Tenchi][The Intruder]
Date:
Sun, 5 Dec 1999 21:33:46 -0500
Hi,
I promised C&C. ^_^
FFIRC is just a little too fast for me to read and C&C
properly.
My comments ##
Here is my contribution to the FFIRC one hour
challenge this time
around...
The Intruder
A Tenchi Muyo fanfic by June "KaraOhki" Geraci
Tenchi Muyo doesn't belong to me. Just sort of
borrowing some of the
characters.
The intruder wouldn't normally go near this particular
house but he
was very hungry, and something smelled good.
##Nice opening. Catches the readers interest.
<SNIP>
The kitchen turned out to be the source of the
tempting aroma. The
little creature jumped up onto the counter and walked
over to the
stove. He immediately recognized the danger. Extreme
heat was coming
from the area, and he couldn't get close enough to
even glimpse what
was making it salivate.
## "making �him' salivate" makes more sense, IMO since
you used
"he" earlier in the same sentence.
<SNIP>
----------
"<SNIP>
A pair of small eyes watched as the two women fought
over the remote.
During one tussle over it, a button was pushed and a
different channel
was set. Peace instantly prevailed. Both women were
mesmerized by
what was on the screen.
"I didn't know Casablanca was on!"
##^_^
<SNIP>
"EEK!!!!!"
"A MOUSE!!!"
"Chu?"
##{ummm, isn't "chu" the same thing the little monkey
in Utena says? It sounds familiar. I'll have to dig
Utena out and
look.}
The mouse found itself with an entire bowl of crackers
all his own.
He climbed into it and began munching.
##Double ^_^
----------
[What on earth was all that noise?] wondered Washu.
##Don't need [ ]. IMO it's distracting.
<SNIP>
"Chu?"
Seconds later there was a Mihoshi-shaped hole in the
wall. The mouse
kept eating.
##^_^
----------
<SNIP>
"Casablanca again? There must be something better
on."
She began to change channels, and her face lit up.
"Figure skating!"
##^_^
----------
Tenchi returned from a visit to his aunt, and found
Sasami in front of
the television with Ryo-Oh-Ki and a mouse in her lap.
He started to
talk to her, but she shushed him. A glance at the
screen told him
why. Never, ever talk to Sasami when Brian Boitano is
skating.
##<BG>
He waited patiently until the routine was over and a
commercial break
came on.
"Where is everyone?"
Sasami just smiled. "I think everyone is afraid of my
new friend.
It's been nice and quiet here."
[Quiet? QUIET? I can't remember the last time this
house was quiet.]
##[ ] not needed.
A soft knock on the door interrupted Tenchi's
thoughts. He opened it
to find Ayeka, Ryoko and Mihoshi standing there.
"Is it gone?" whispered Ayeka.
"Err. No," replied Tenchi.
"Oh no! What shall we do?" asked Mihoshi.
##I'm surprised Ryoko doesn't nuke the house from
space. ^_^ (but perhaps she's afraid of upsetting
Tenchi)
Tenchi thought fast. Really fast.
##??? He must have been eating the cheese. ^_~
<SNIP>
comments welcome, as usual
public or private or both!
karaohki@snet.net
##Overall:: A VERY nice read.
Quiet, understated . . .handled with a deft touch.
AND done in an hour . . .brilliant.
=====
When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
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