I have some problems with the characterizations in this chapter,
and have tried to point it out as much as possible... some of
Ranma's and Akane's reactions just don't seem likely to me.
Overall, though, I like it... but then, I'm the sort that can
never get enough Ranma-Akane-WAFF. ^_^
The kiss had a lot going against it. First, in was in front of the
entire student population. Second, Ranma had NO idea how to kiss a
"The kiss was in front of the population" sounds a bit odd to me...
Maybe "took place" or something?
girl. Finally, Akane's breath still smelled like chloroform, but to
Ranma, it didn't matter. To him, it was...nice. Very nice and VERY
memorable. A small part of him couldn't believe that he couldn't
remember the kiss he'd given her while in Neko-ken.
couldn't - couldn't ... maybe you could replace one of them with
"wouldn't", or something.
He looked confused, and she could have sworn, hurt.
and, she
"Whoopee," Ranma replied, his voice dripping with anger. Without
another word, Ranma left the stage, leaving behind a very confused
Akane.
And a confused me. I don't see all that much reason for Ranma to be
angry (especially not enough to be "dripping with anger"). The kiss
took place, and I don't see why Ranma would desire any more than
Akane to have things blown up in the open. A bit irritated at the
parents' insistence, maybe, but...
Akane gathered her things, and opened the door of her dressing room.
She jumped when she saw Ranma standing there.
I'd make this a single paragraph.
Ranma was quiet until they left the school grounds behind them, and
had reached the path by the canal. Then he stopped walking, and put
IMO "until they had left the school grounds behind them and reached
the path"
"They'd have had the wedding ready by the time we got out of the
theater."
Ranma should be every bit aware of that as Akane - it just doesn't
seem likely to me that he would have to *ASK* to realize.
TRIP...SPLASH!
Gah. Prose. This is a written story, not a comic book. ^_-;;;
At those words, Soun and Genma reverted to their basic line of
defense. Soun fainted, while Genma went into 'cute panda' mode.
defense - Soun
Shortly after Akane departed, Ranma excused himself and went upstairs.
Kasumi looked at him with concern: Ranma appeared tired and somewhat
depressed.
concern; Ranma
or
concern - Ranma
"What are you doing here?"
"I need to talk to you, Akane. May I come in?"
"Okay."
Given past reactions, even considering what has transpired recently,
I think Akane should be a little more suspicious towards Ranma
appearing outside her window and wanting to get in. Maybe just
a suspicious look as she notes him there and an "Okay, but you
better not try anything," or something.
*What am I doing!?!* Akane thought as she kissed Ranma. *He...he...*
It was at that moment she realized what had occurred. *This is our
first kiss. Our first REAL kiss! And...and...I like it.* She felt a
tear run down her face.
Considering how suddenly surprising it comes, I'd more suspect the
shock might make Akane react with violence (and at the very least in
her mind wonder "What the hell is *he* doing!%#!" rather than "What am
*I* doing") that she regrets when she realizes what's going on.
"This," she said, "was worth the cost of the telephoto lens."
Heh. Heheh. Heheheh.
As she left her room, Nabiki took one last look at the photograph. It
was a close up of Ranma and Akane, their lips touching in a fairly
passionate kiss. It even showed the tape stuck to Akane's hand, not
her fiance's lips like she claimed. Nabiki smirked.
I think the scene would feel more effective if you leave out the
description of the photo - we've already figured it out anyway. ^_^
Ranma quietly crept into his bedroom window. The one thing he didn't
want to do is disturb his father, who was asleep on the futon and
was
snoring loudly. It wasn't out of respect for his father that made
Ranma cautious but fear that he would let slip what had happened
between him and Akane.
"It wasn't out of respect Ranma was cautious" or "It wasn't respect
that made Ranma cautious".
*And if my sister were to ever find out about this...* She shivered,
and hugged herself.
Poor Akane. ^_^
*I'm going to treat Ranma the same as I ever have,* she thought.
*Except that I'll try not to hit him if he does something stupid.*
...well, something not TOO stupid, anyway... ^_^
All of Akane's good intentions were swept away when Ranma grabbed her
hand under the table and squeezed it. She almost shouted in surprise
when he did but was able to hold it in--barely.
Scratch "when he did".
"Then why are you rambling on?" Nabiki asked as she tried to wipe some
of the mess off her school uniform.
Grinning smugly, no doubt. ^_^
Ranma kept his hands to himself as Akane quickly finished her
breakfast. However, she felt him staring at her. She steadfastly
refused to meet his eyes, afraid of what her reaction would be. Nabiki
I think Ranma'd be a little wary after that scene...
Akane then turned and stalked off toward school.
The portrayal of Akane in *this* scene I fully agree with.
Gosunkuji just shrugged his shoulders. He looked a little more
kugi
"I was there for all of the rehearsals. I was there when Kuno tried
to grab your sister, and Ranma told him to keep his hands off her. I
heard when Kuno told Ranma to do the same, and Ranma refused to
promise."
Why is the shy Gosunkugi shouting this all out in front of Nabiki,
whom a) he doesn't know and b) is the sister of THE Akane?
Those remarks and other similar ones had Akane close to the screaming
point.
The only good thing about it was that Ranma seemed to be getting the
same treatment from his friends.
point; the only
already long gone. He'd learned the hard way not to get himself
involved in the fights that broke out in the classroom. Besides, he'd
just gotten the cast off his leg.
classroom, and besides, he'd
The ribbon's aim was perfect. It hit exactly at the spot it was
supposed to. The problem was that the target wasn't there. Kodachi
realized she had another problem when she saw that Akane was holding
the end of the ribbon. Akane smiled evilly as she yanked
downward.
"Whaa..OOF?!?" was all Kodachi could say as she was pulled from her
planned trajectory and sailed right into a fist in the stomach. She
doubled over onto the floor, trying desperately to get her breath
back. By the time she did, however, Kodachi had been tied up by her
own ribbon.
Is Akane good enough to defeat Kodachi that easily? I wouldn't say so.
Her mind began to run through all the times she had caught Ranma with
other women. In every case, Ranma had never been the one doing the
grabbing--whether the girl in question was Shampoo, Kodachi, or
someone else. They had all grabbed HIM.
If she hasn't acknowledged it before, even with Ranma protesting,
why does she suddenly realize this *unprompted* now? I don't
really buy it.
"Iie! Don't hit me!" Yuka cried out.
"Iie!"? Erm...
I'm all right," she lied. "Just a little tired."
Missing a quote-mark.
"Yes! No! I...I...I don't know!" Akane cried, then put her head in
her hands again and sobbed.
I don't think Akane's the type to be crying over something like
this. Be mad at herself for her inability to figure herself out,
maybe.
Yuka hugged Akane. "I won't say a word. You should know me better
than that!"
All in all, even though I don't fully agree with the characterization
of Akane in it, I loved this scene.
Nabiki finished off her lunch with the idea still running through her
head. Then she finally came to a decision. *I may not know what I'm
going to do, but if it is true Ranma had better watch his step 'cause
if he hurts my sister I'll make him wish he was never born!*
I don't buy "Nabiki the protective sister". She's done things that
puts her family in "danger" or otherwise not seemed to care *overly*
much several times.
---
Ronny Hedin, thark@mangakai.org, http://i99ronhe.island.liu.se/
"Baka baka, minna baka." -Hoshino Ruri, Nadesico
"Remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people."
"I have found little that is good about human beings. In my
experience most of them are trash." -Sigmund Freud
"How embarrassing to be human." -Kurt Vonnegut