I saw the original postings, and hadn't responded, because it
looked to be a fusion, a type of cross-over I've become decidedly
wary of, as I remarked on another occasion a few weeks ago.
Then I read the end of your teaser for part 4, and got quite
interested. The old Doctor Strange series was one of my favorite
comics, and the story line you're referring to was, to my mind,
one of the best of the early Steve Ditko stories. Count me as
being one eagerly awaiting future installments.
General C&C first. It's spelled "bokken" not "boken." The
direction is spelled "forward" not "foreword". Your punctuation
where dialog is concerned needs work. Chapter 2 isn't line-wrapped.
By Brendan O'Donnell
Chapter 1
old looking man. He was wearing lama-like robes over his almost
old-looking
"Greetings traveler, You are welcome in this place."
"Greetings, traveler. You
him." Ranma stepped to the foot of the platform. "Speak. Tell me of
the Jusenkyo that brings you to this place."
Tell me of the Jusenkyo? Sounds awkward. Perhaps "Tell me of the
Jusenkyo curse"
"Master." A voice responded from a door to the side of the
"Master," a voice
surrounded him. "The Vapors of Valtor cannot pierce the Shining Shield
Valtorr (I think)
like an amoebae trying to engulf its prey.
amoeba
"In the name of the Vishtanti, begone!" The Ancient One
Vishanti
The Ancient One lowered himself into his throne, then with
unsteadily raised his hand to catch support his head.
Awkward. Perhaps, something like, "The Ancient One lowered himself
onto his throne, resting his chin on the palm of an unsteady hand."
Shan suddenly rose turning his head to look right at Ranma.
Shan suddenly rose, turning
him across the room. "Such an assault shall not be forgiven." Shan
forgiven," Shan
"A very strong kick." Shan commented, rubbing his bruised
kick,"
cheek. With a scowl he lashed out backhanding Ranma. "You need to
out,
"I've got plenty of experience with hardships." Ranma
hardships,"
What's more, here he is where I can watch him and keep his from harming
him
"Not bad Ranma, you've definite improved enough to justify
definitely
calling this training trip complete." Genma commented as he pulled
complete,"
"We're staying, Pops." Ranma responded as he raised his legs.
Pops,"
water continue it's course to splash Ranma invoking his curse.
its
"You have made rapid progress boy," Shan declared. "I was
progress,
Ranma looked into Shans dark eyes. "Challenge accepted."
Shan's
whoever loses will leave and not step foot here till the sun attains a
set foot
he felt the power reach it's peak, he reached inward a moment, and let
its
and black striped snake, which lunged at Ranma. Ranma flew foreword
forward
into a shield above. Just in time to deflect most of a large black
above, just
dissolving the chain back into it's unshaped magic. Shan pivoted a few
its
picked up the final scroll checked it's seal and added it to the box.
its
Ranma Saotome: Master of the Mystic Arts
By Brendan O'Donnell
Chapter 2
"Stupid excuse for a father." Muttered a red haired girl as she
father," muttered
him we should get some hot water first but oh no, go to the Tendo's first,
Tendos'
"Well, isn't a fiancee the perfect excuse to dump Boken Brain?"
Bokken
the sake of your daughters happiness..."
daughter's
question." Ranma replied pulling his arms free.
question,"
"Thank you." Ranma replied looking around the compact room with
you,"
it's sharply angled ceiling. Closing his eyes he extended his
its
"I win, Oyaji." Ranma commented with a smug grin on his face.
Oyaji,"
"Oh my!" Kasumi declared, looking at Genma. "What do Panda's eat?
pandas
"I don't want any argument's from you, boy. We'll be staying for
arguments
"You sure seem to be pushing Akane to get engaged to me." Ranma
me,"
commented to Nabiki as he hoped to from the fence to where she was
hopped from the fence to
Kuno stepped foreword and grabbed Akane's hands, which
forward
"This is the way you treat your boyfriends?" Ranma asked as he
stepped up too her.
to
Kuno stated as he rose to his feet, shifting his grasp on a boken he
bokken
offer ones own name. Therefore listen well, I am the mightiest
one's
Ranma looked at him quietly a moment. "I'm Ranma Saotome, Heir
heir
Kuno stepped foreword slashing at Ranma with his boken. Ranma calmly
forward bokken.
with that violent girl is, I have nothing to do with it! And I want
My problem with this is I'm not sure Ranma would call her a violent
girl. She hasn't clobbered him yet, after all.
"Akane?" Ranma glanced at her, then looked down to examine a thin
bruise at the base of her neck. "Hmm, Better than I thought." She
Pretty flexible. I can't see the base of my neck at all.
The now Male Ranma quickly toweled his hair and responded, "Not
male
bucket and drew his boken. "I shall never accept your engagement to Akane Tendo!"
bokken
"It was all our father's idea," Akane added.
fathers'
"Lucky there's a pool there," A student standing beside Akane commented.
a
hand. "That was an overreaction," She commented as he folded the wet
she she
you, so I should be compensated. What would be appropriate?" She
she
said in an excessively matter of factly tone.
wondered matter-of-fact (and why excessively?)
"How amusing," he responded raising his boken. "If you defeat me
bokken
I agree to date with you!" He said, lashing out at Ranma with a quick
he
thunderbolt. "Truly I am blessed by the gods." He said, then pulled
gods," he
up his boken. Looking down he ran his fingers through the grass, then
bokken.
diagrams drawn on the floor in the center of the room. "Right now to
"Right, now
my goal with your acceptance?" The sprits circled around him faster
spirits
wonder who I've managed to piss off now?" He commented shaking his head.
he commented, shaking
"Ranma, Dinner's ready." Kasumi called up to him.
ready,"
Ranma closed the doors of the Dojo. Opening a small leather pouch
dojo
Akane gingerly picked up the soggy doll. "What is it?" Ranma
"It's a cute little dolly."
"No." Akane froze, blinking for a moment. "Hold on, your telling
you're
"No, it's a compulsion spell. Specifically, it compels you to
'Embrace your true feelings, and date with him.'" Ranma shook his head
disgustedly. "That kind of language is one of the mistakes that tends
to kill off beginners."
I quite liked this bit. Exactly the sort of thing Kuno would do.
into Kunos stomach. "I am not some sort of doll!" Akane knocked Kuno
Kuno's
Kuno raised his boken and pointed it at him. "You shall release
bokken
smash a kick into Kunos midriff.
Kuno's
"You're a hell of a lot worse at magic." Ranma turned and walked
around the school building. There was a splash and a very feminine "HEY!"
Where does this bit take place? Akane's holding chopsticks, so are
they eating lunch outside?
corner, stopping at the site of the wet haired girl who was glaring
sight wet-haired
"I cannot believe that jerk made a pass at me." Ranma commented
me,"
"Besides, you do make a pretty hot looking girl." Nabiki added
hot-looking girl,"
Ranma Saotome: Master of the Mystic Arts
By Brendan O'Donnell
Chapter 3
glyphs covering one walls. Holding his hands over them, he spoke in a
wall.
tongue mixing Latin and Egyptian with languages that were ancient
during the great melting of the ice when the sphinx was shaped. The
Uh, the sphinx wasn't shaped during the melting of any great ice,
unless this is a part of Dr. Strange lore I'm not familiar with.
carried from the Ancient one's temple. He clapped his hands together,
One's
With a contented nod, Ranma put the disk down besides the box.
beside
"I think he went up to the attic Kasumi."
attic,
"Prevention." Ranma responded as he folded the charm around
"Prevention,"
before school!" She glanced at the clock again. "ARRR, their gonna
they're
face. "Sorry, Next time I'll let you be late!"
next
opened her Bento and focused her attention on beginning lunch.
bento
must tell me who that red haired girl is!"
red-haired
have to go somewhere else if your interested in anything that could
you're
Nabiki picked up her Bento and started eating.
bento
"That Monster!" Kuno yelled as he stood and ran for the door.
monster!"
"Ieyasu Tokugawa." The teacher said as he wrote the name on
the board. "Born..."
"RANMA SAOTOME!" Kuno screamed as he kicked in the door to the
classroom and charged inside.
"No, I'm sorry, that's wrong. Oda Nobunaga was born Ranma Saotome.
Ieyasu Tokugawa was born Ataru Moroboshi before he changed his name."
Ranma looked at Kuno charging at him boken raised high, and
him, bokken
kendoist to stumble against the wall. "In the Hall, Kuno!"
hall,
Kuno raised himself to his full height and pointed his boken at
bokken
the boken.
bokken.
"Hold it Kuno, the girl your ranting about doesn't really
you're
"You are an idiot aren't you."
idiot,
Come Crimson bands of Cytorak!"
Bands of Cyttorak!"
with a Martial arts Giftwraper. (Who Kuno still claimed had only
Arts Giftwrapper.
Ranma gestured and Kuno floated out the window. "Shut up
Kuno." Another gesture extended a crimson streamer to loop round
Kuno's mouth. "Now I want you to listen." Ranma looked Kuno in the
eye. "Now in point of fact I am a sorcerer, but unlike you I do not
use my magic to control other people. Now I'm going to release you in
a moment, but first let me give you a little warning. You're an
Ranma has started three consecutive sentences with "now".
a gesture moved him over the pool. Where the bands instantly
pool, where
Ranma braced himself against the wall a moment, than pushed
then
and the fire hared thunder goddess from your unwholesome grip!"
fire-haired
laughed louder, then stopped closed his eyes rolled his head backward.
stopped, closing his eyes as his head rolled backward.
slowly turning in the tome Kuno had been studying. "Not to advanced,
too
wonder where Kuno is." she commented as she opened her lunch.
is,"
"I wouldn't worry if I were you." Ranma commented as he began
you,"
"A-Actually he got the books from me." A voice spoke up from
me," a voice
Hikaru Gosenkugi. Don't worry if you don't remember me, no one does."
Gosunkugi.
"You mean you're responsible for the worst months of my life?!"
Akane clenched her fists, her knuckles cracking ominously.
Earlier, Nabiki said it started last month.
"Calm down, both of you." Ranma said raising his hand. He
you,"
looked at Gosenkugi. "You say Kuno got his spellbooks from you. Where
Gosunkugi."
'The chosen of the heavens' And I didn't want him to hit me so I let
heavens.' And I
A smile covering his face, Gosenkugi bowed, declaring, "Thank
Gosunkugi
through the gates, tightly griping a boken with both hands. Ranma
bokken
frowned and looked closer at the boken. The wood was discolored,
bokken
darkened to a hue similar to dried blood. And there were a series of
As a general rule, starting a sentence with "and" is a bad idea.
weapon and it's wielder. His eyes widened in surprise. "That idiot!"
its
screamed. Raising his boken, he slashed at one of the trees, which was
bokken
"Here!" Opening the classroom window Ranma calmly hoped out
hopped
"I'm not the one who's life's in danger, Kuno. And I am not
whose
"Enough talk!" Kuno stepped foreword, slashing downward with
forward,
his boken. Ranma jumped aside as an unseen force smashed into the wall
bokken.
toward the Descending Ranma, who halted ten feet in the air and floated
descending
"What do you... mean," She trailed off as she concentrated her
she
even after those time he's worked himself to exhaustion he never looked
times he'd
boken, shattering the attack. "Now it ends!" He drew his boken to his
bokken bokken
from the site where he had landed. Along with two other Ranma's
landed, along with two other Ranmas
jumping in three different directions. Each of the Ranma's landed,
Ranmas
brought the nine Ranma's together.
Ranmas
The Ranma's raised their arms and spoke in a single voice.
Ranmas
With a scream, Kuno charged at the Ranma's, lashing out with
Ranmas
before the Ranma's became visible as blow after blow hammered into it.
Ranmas
"YAAH!" Ranma declared as he appeared to Kuno's right and
This would be more like a shout than a declaration.
stepped in, smashing a quick palm strike into Kuno's hands. The Boken
bokken
rolled Kuno onto his back. Moving his hands over the Kendoist's form,
kendoist's
"Damn it, what were you playing at! If you know that would do
knew it
just use your professional strength magic to take him out."
out?"
"The mix of spells he had linked to his boken were linked to
bokken
physically get his boken away from him. Before he depleted his life
bokken
"I hadn't expected you to be so into Kuno's wellbeing." Nabiki
wellbeing,"
hurt." Akane responded with a scowl.
hurt,"
on that boken, then I've gotta carry Kuno here home. Ah, the perils of
bokken,
his sanctums walls. "Hopefully this'll make sure Kuno doesn't get in
sanctum's
taping myself." He closed his eyes and began breathing in a focused
tapping
With a fast look of concentration he floated two feet into the
fast look of concentration????
to hold the scrolls the ancient one had given him. "Well, time for the
Ancient One
ancient one's pupil. He had hated studying the scrolls at first, and
Ancient One's
"Ranma, Dinner!"
"Dinner, Ranma! Now that the introductions are over...."
That should be "dinner!"
Ranma Saotome: Master of the Mystic Arts
By Brendan O'Donnell
Chapter 4
Kuno proclaimed as he strode forward, Garlic bulbs draped around his
garlic
defenses and kicked him in the head. "That didn't hurt." Kuno
hurt,"
"Heh, It's been a while, but you're as good at dodging as I
it's
"A Whim, A Thought, and more is sought
whim, a thought,
With a snarl Ryouga took a step forward and screamed "Just tell
screamed,
course, Ryouga Hibiki!" he proclaimed, taping the side of his fist into
tapping
for Three days!"
three
"But when I arrived on the forth day you had fled to China!"
fourth
saw the school building loom just behind Ranma. With a scream he speed
sped
listening to the fading crashing sounds. "So much for that." He
that," he
Akane walked up to him. "Ranma who was that? I can't believe
"Ranma,
For an instant she thought there was a transparent Ninja floating next
ninja
to her, but it was gone as she focused on it. "What's wrong with me?"
She said, shaking her head momentarily.
she
turned and floated away. "Not looking for me it seems." Ranma
seems,"
An hour later, Ranma paused and looked at a tall Gaijin in a
gaijin
foreigner. Who was staring down a group of five ragged looking locals.
foreigner, who was ragged-looking
artifact beneath the strangers coat. He stepped past him and raised a
stranger's
attacked the Ancient One and I, and the Ancient One is still
me,
can puzzle out what the Ancient one meant he could well succeed in
One
usurping the position of Sorcerer Supreme." He tugged down the rim or
of
Looking forward to more.
Reid Carson
rcarson@rcarson.com