Hi,
My comments##
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 1999 00:48:39 -0800
From: Jack Staik <jstaik1043@earthlink.net> |
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Reply-to: jstaik1043@earthlink.net
To: rec-arts-anime-creative@cs.ubc.ca
CC: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma} Ranma's Horrible Secret -
Part 3
--------------------
Ranma 1/2: Ranma's Horrible Secret - Part 3
By Jack Staik
--------------------
"Here, Ranma, eat up."
"Akane!" Ranma protested. "I can eat by myself!"
"Sorry," she said. "But you have too much starch in
your
diet. You need more vegetables."
##Cute.
"Look at what a good wife my baby girl would make
him!"
cried Soun. "And they won't let us marry them!"
"Ungrateful boy!" Genma snarled. "She treats you well,
and
you don't even have the decency to marry her!"
<WHAM!!>
"Ite ..." quoth Genma from underneath the mallet.
##Ummm, not "the mallet please." Use something
different. Table, Statue,
Barbell, etc. _Anything_ but the mallet. ^_~
"One more word from you, and we get a new panda-skin
rug for
the den!" Akane snarled.
## "snarled" was a little jarring to me. IMO Akane's
thoughts about
Genma are implicit in her mashing him into the ground
and offer
to skin him out.
"I was just testy from hunger," Genma weaseled.
"Kasumi fed
the rest of you, but I haven't seen one bite."
"Yes, I was wondering about that," Soun pondered.
"Kasumi!
Where is Saotome's food?"
"Ranma's been fed."
"What of Genma? We can't let a guest starve!"
"Oh, *him*!" Kasumi spat, her voice dripping with
contempt.
"Here!"
Genma looked in surprise as a pack of instant ramen
bounced
off his head.
##Cute
"Just keep him out of my kitchen - he's unsanitary."
Soun and Genma could only stare in open-mouthed shock.
##They're not the only ones. Not that I object to
Genma
getting his. OTOH this seems a bit much for Kasumi.
IMO drop the :: "Oh, *him*!" . . ."Here!"
And go directly from:: " . . .starve!" A pack of
instant ramen
bounced off Genma's head. He looked up in surprise.
This increases the surprise to the reader that is
otherwise lost
by the :: Kasumi spat, her voice dripping . . .
If you then change ::
"Just keep him out of my kitchen - he's unsanitary."
To
"Please keep him out of my kitchen. Animals are
so unsanitary."
{Or something similar}
You achieve the same effect, IMO, while keeping a
reasonably IC Kasumi. A minor point perhaps. However
IMO Kasumi is most useful in providing contrast.
Nabiki is "modern" Japanese
Akane is rather a blend of modern and traditional
while
Kasumi is almost a parody of the ideal Japanese
wife/mother figure.
Nabiki observed the whole mess with some amusement.
She knew
about Akane's maternal urges - they'd tended enough
birds
with broken wings and stray animals over the years.
But
Kasumi's vengeful streak was new.
##^_^ I like this portrayal of Nabiki. And Akane.
The set up is nice as well. IMO you can keep the
vengeful Kasumi w/o having to change her radically.
Bouncing
the box of ramen off Genma's head is the Kasumi
equivalent
of Akane going after him with a chain saw.
The human race could hardly be beat for sheer
entertainment
value.
##Very nice line.
* * * * * * * * * *
Shampoo waited on the rooftop, bicycle at the ready.
She
scanned the streets, awaiting her Ranma.
##Perhaps "husband" in place of "Ranma"?
The Plan proceeded as Great-Grandmother had outlined;
being
treaded on casually, having his precious Akane turn
her back
on him contemptuously, the combination of arousal and
debasement ... all carefully calculated. The foolish
male
would have his spirit broken soon enough, and he'd be
hers.
##Ummm, IMO I'd change "precious Akane". I'm not sure
Shampoo would ever think this way. Perhaps::
" . . .having his friends and family turn on him in
comtempt."
If he were in Joketsuzouko, he'd be in a locked room
and the
process would take days. Here in the Outside World, it
took
longer, but was no less certain. The 'brainwashing',
as the
silly outsiders called it, was based on thousands of
years
of tried-and-true procedure.
##The concept is good. OTOH the process is _much_
less certain in the "Outside World". In Joketsuzouko
the conditions are controlled and the "male" would
_not_ have a support group. Social conditions and
conditioning would work against the male and in favor
of the women. Now it's possible and even probable in
Shampoo's case that cultural blindness would obscure
this fact.
I just find it hard to believe Cologne would make this
kind of
mistake. It's not impossible. However it needs to be
built up just
a bit more.
She spotted him, walking along the top of the fence,
Akane
walking on the sidewalk alongside. Poor Akane ... in
her
frustration and jealousy, she was making his
conversion into
a proper male so easy! Every male-tamer should have an
Akane
to help her.
Chuckling at her own thought, she launched the Bicycle
of
Death.
##I shouldn't laugh at the "Bicycle of Death" if I'm
going
to object to "the mallet", but I did. :(
I'm not sure Shampoo is a chuckler though.
The thunk as her tire connected with Ranma's head was
perfect, as was the second thunk as Ranma's head
connected
with the fencetop.
"Nihao, Ranma! Airen take Shampoo on date? ACK!"
Shampoo gagged as Akane's hands squeezed her throat,
her
vision graying.
"HOW DARE YOU HURT MY RANMA, YOU BITCH!! DIE DIE
DIE!!"
##IMO cut the "bitch". The readers can reach their own
conclusions
from her actions. ^)^
Shampoo tried to pry the impossibly-strong fingers
from her
throat, but couldn't get a grip.
"AKANE!! DON'T!!"
Akane abruptly released her death-grip, letting
Shampoo fall
to the ground, gasping in great lungfuls of air.
"Are you alright, Ranma? Did that gaijin whore hurt
you?"
<'Gaijin whore'? You'll pay for that!>
##Ummm, "whore", IMO, is a bit strong.
Perhaps "Chinese bimboo" or "half dressed floozy"???
I just found this jarring. OTOH other readers may
love this just as it is. ^_^
<SNIP>
Akane watched the annoyed Ranma suddenly become a calm
Ranma. <Nabiki's right - he doesn't stay excited very
long.>
A thought struck her. <If having no sex drive means
you
don't stay angry very long, does having long-lasting
bursts
of temper mean ... nah!>
##^_^
<SNIP>
* * * * * * * * * *
Ukyo slipped on her bandolier of throwing spatulas and
was
ready for school when she heard a sound from her
bedroom.
Dashing out of her bathroom, B.A.S. (Big-Ass Spatula)
at the
ready, she burst in yelling an incoherent battle-cry.
"DON'T KILL ME!! DON'T KILL ME!! DON'T KILL ME!!" the
teenaged girl cried.
##At first I thought this was _Ukuyou's_ battle cry.
^_^
(I rather liked it. ^_~)
Ukyo stopped, the edge of the B.A.S. almost touching
her
head.
"I know you," Ukyo said. "You're Kikuko - Nabiki's
toady."
"I prefer 'special assistant'," she protested.
##Cute.
"What'cha doin' here, girl?"
"I'm only following orders!"
"And what would those orders be?"
"Ummm..."
Ukyo raised the B.A.S. again.
##Don't overuse the "B.A.S." ^_^
"I'LL TELL!! I'LL TELL!! Nabiki doesn't pay me enough
to
take this kind of abuse!"
Ukyo looked surprised. "She *pays* you?"
##Cute.
"Damn little - and the kickbacks are murder. Not to
mention
the taxes!"
##Cute. I'd drop the "Not to mention the taxes!"
IMO it dilutes the impact of the humor.
Ukyo lowered her spatula. "Talk!"
"I came to get back all those Ranma-pics Nabiki sold
you."
Ukyo thought about that. She had a good-sized
collection of
pics of Ranma - in both forms (she liked that sort of
thing). She even had a picture of a naked male Ranma
which
had cost her ten thousand yen; the jewel of her
collection.
##IMO, drop the parenthetical comment. Ukyou's
preferences are implicit in the scene.
"Why does Nabiki want the pictures back? I paid her
good
money!"
"She wants to destroy them! All of them! Everyone's
running
all over town trying to get them all!"
That puzzled Ukyo. Why would Nabiki do *that*? She
made a
good living off those pics, but she couldn't make
enough
replacing them to make destroying them all profitable.
##??? Supply & demand. If Nabiki destroys all the
pictures she's sold
then all her customers will have to buy NEW pictures.
Also, IMO,
it's not reasonable that Nabiki's flunky would break
in before Ukyou
left for school. If you want to keep this segment you
only need to
add a little something explaining why Kikuko breaks in
while Ukyou is
still at home. Also, IMO, it makes more sense to have
Ukyou speculate
that Nabiki is destroying the picture to drive prices
up.
The next line:: Ukyou thought . . . *why*?
might have to be changed or deleted but the thought
process
segue's nicely into the :: Well, if it were*her* in
either
event.
Ukyo thought about it as she heaved Kikuko out the
window
... if she were destroying Ranma-pics, *why*?
Well, if it were *her*, Ukyo would do it because he's
*her*
fiancee, but she wouldn't do it in the first place -
##A little awkward.
Inspiration kicked Ukyo in the head.
"THAT BITCH!!" Ukyo shouted. "Nabiki's wanting to keep
Ranma
for herself!"
It was so obvious! Nabiki destroys all the Ranma-pics
in
circulation, and not only does Ranma feel grateful
(thus
lavishing all his affection on her), Nabiki keeps the
Glory
Of Ranma all to herself!
"That's all I need - *another* damn fiancee! Well, the
little pornographer won't get away with it!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Akane and Ranma-onna came into the Nerima Family
Clinic,
annoyed.
"Stupid old bitch!" Akane growled.
## "bitch" :(
IMO a little strong.
Also Ukyou just used it a few sentences earlier. ^_^
"Tell me about it," Ranma-onna muttered.
Doctor Nasaka (Doctor Tofu's replacement)
##IMO don't need to explain this parenthetically.
Actually you don't need to replace Dr. Tofu unless you
just want to.
<SNIP>
"No problem. Ranma-san, the water's in the usual
place. I'll
get Akane's vitamins."
##transition is a little abrupt. Or you might just
separate
the segments with :: ******** or ###### or --------
Ryoga Hibiki moved a bit, letting the bandages that
Nasaka-
sensei put on stretch.
##???
He *knew* that Ranma had done something horrible to
Akane,
making her behave like that. There was no other
possible
explanation for it.
He briefly entertained the possibility that Ranma put
her
under a spell, but discarded it. That explanation
would be
admitting that Tatewaki Kuno was right about
something, and
that, by natural law, made the explanation wrong.
##Cute. ^_^
<SNIP>
"HOW CAN THE HEAVENS BE SO CRUEL?!?" he wailed.
"RANMA'S
PREGNANT WITH AKANE'S BABY!!"
##^_^ <VBG>
##Overall: a nice read. Some rough spots.
OTOH I wanted more when I got to the end
and that's always a good sign.
(To Be Continued)
s.
=====
When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
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