The Fanfic Formerly Known As....
by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE
Part Thirtysix - The Misfortune
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WARNING - This chapter contains the kind of gratuitous fan service
that this warning will just, surely, make you want to read. So
there, nyah boo! ^_^
Scene: Nothingness. A Void. The Author's Mind. Whatever You Wish
To Describe It As, With Each Word Emblazoned With A Capital Letter.
Voice 1: Bugger. Nothing seems to be happening.
Voice 2: Nothing has happened for quite a while now.
Voice 1: What do you think is the problem?
Voice 2: Would you like a list?
Voice 1: Ahem! So, what are we going to do?
Voice 2: Well, the only way to cure this is to get DDFA out of
his acute state of lethargy.
Voice 1: It's easier to pull the nose hairs out of a wolverine.
Voice 2: Look, just flash him a picture of a near-naked
Sailorsenshi. That should do for starters.
Voice 1: Which one?
Voice 2: Hmm?
Voice 1: I said "which one"? He does have his preferences.
Voice 2: Who really cares. The way he is now, anything will do.
Voice 1: Well don't blame me if it doesn't work because he
preferred someone else. Anyway, what are we going to do
in the meantime?
Voice 2: As in....?
Voice 1: The readers. Since flashing up a near-naked
Sailorsenshi ultimately involves a visual medium, and
this is a fanfic, we do have a problem.
Voice 2: Let them use their imaginations. They're probably
running at full speed right now, imagining the delights
of Venus in her lingerie.
Voice 1: Actually, she's stuck in that playground at the moment,
doing major physical injury to herself every time she
moves, so she's not really available for the photo
shoot.
Voice 2: .....
Voice 1: .....
Voice 2: This means we're going to have to give them something
else, then.
Voice 1: You've just deflated all their hopes, dreams and
aspirations, now.
Voice 2: It doesn't matter.... We'll just give them something
people have wanted to see for a long time.
Voice 1: As in....?
Scene: A small section of beach. Relena Darlian strides out to the
water's edge and stops, staring into space. She then holds her arms
out wide and shouts....
Relena: Heero! Hurry up and kill me!
There is a gunshot, and Relena slowly falls back onto the beach,
dead as a dodo. Insert cheering of Relena-haters the world over.
Meanwhile, outside the hovel variously described as DDFA's abode, a
silver and black 1979 model Mitsubishi Scorpion pulls up, and from
it exits the world's biggest, toughest and meanest Sailormoon Fanfic
Author ever seen.... J.T. Woolford, otherwise known as "Night
Rider". "Bad to the Bone" starts playing as he slams the door to
the Scorpion and starts stomping towards the front door of the
hovel. He kicks down the door and tromps into the front room,
looking around with intent.
J.T.: Alright, Mark, I know you're in here, somewhere. People
are starting to get annoyed with your silence, and you
are slacking off on the writing department of my fics.
Not a God should have been finished this time last year.
There is silence, except for the occasional snoring sound from
underneath DDFA's evil blue desk. J.T. sighs and peers under,
finding DDFA curled up and hibernating for the summer. J.T. grabs
DDFA by the collar and picks him up, lifting the lazy bastard to his
face. DDFA opens a sleepy eye.
J.T.: Just what the hell do you think you're doing?
DDFA: Mumble mumble turtle scrubs grumble grumble....
J.T.: I've had about enough of this.
J.T. casually throws DDFA into the big, comfy seat in front of his
computer and pulls out a large baseball bat and chain.
J.T.: Alright.... You're going to write something if it's the
last thing you do.
DDFA: Mumble mumble turtle scrubs grumble grumble....
J.T.: And enough of the turtle scrubs. Just do it....
DDFA mutters more turtle scrubs and starts to move, picking up the
keyboard and scratching his head, idly.
DDFA: Now.... Where was I....?
J.T.: You were having Minako causing great physical injury to
herself in the middle of a playground, somewhere in
Tokyo. Although why anyone would find that amusing, I
have no idea.
DDFA: You thought having her leap onto a ceiling at the sight
of a spider was amusing.
J.T.: That was different, and she was Venus at the time.
DDFA: If you're not careful, I'll force you to write your own
lines.
J.T.: Don't you threaten me, little man.
DDFA: Take this, then.
J.T.: You bastad. I ort to give you a bleting for tihs....
DDFA: With any luck, the next chapter of "Not a God" will make
a Thinker fic look like a Shakespearian masterpiece.
J.T.: Alrite, alrite. You mdae you're point.
DDFA: Teehee....
J.T.: Now gvie me back my nomal speehc paterns, befor the next
chpter statrs....
DDFA: OH NO! IT'S TOO LATE! I'M WRITING! (Teehee ^_^)
J.T.: You bastad.
Scene: The playground in Tokyo. Sailorvenus is lying below the bars
she has just winded herself upon, staring vacantly at the sky.
Venus: I wonder if this is covered by the Anime Character
Fanfic Compensation Scheme....
She ponders for a little while.
Venus: After all those darkfics and tentacle lemons, being a
viable target for fanfics has become a dangerous
business for we characters.
She closes her eyes.
Venus: I don't know why I'm bothering to do this. Closing my
eyes won't make this hell disappear any faster. About
all I can be thankful for is that I can't be hurt much
more, after all I've been through.
The bars collapse, falling onto Venus's head, braining her rather
painfully. After several dazed moments, she removes the bars and
sits up, rubbing her forehead.
Venus: Well, I suppose I'm wrong. I CAN be hurt much more.
I'm damned if I ain't gonna make a claim after this.
Venus stares at her right hand, her fingers smeared with blood from
a small scratch on her forehead. A dark look crosses her face and
she stands.
Venus: Ignore me, will they? Treat me like a brainless blond
bimbo. Expect me to casually forget that I am supposed
to be the leader of the Sailorsenshi. Divorce me
totally from personal development by ridding myself of
all darkness and potential deep character flaws. What
you see is what you get.
She clenches her right hand into a fist.
Venus: They could wait for me forever.... Who knows? I
certainly couldn't care. It's well past time people saw
the true power of Aino Minako, aka Sailorvenus.
A soccer ball strikes Venus in the head, bouncing off into the
playground. As Minako slowly sinks to the ground, little stars
making orbits of her cranium, two brats run past, chasing their
errant ball.
Meanwhile, in DDFA's hovel....
J.T.: Is that it? Is that all you're going to write?
DDFA: I'm reading the previous chapters to see what
predicaments I've put everyone in.
J.T.: Why bother? You've always made everything up as you go
along.
DDFA: Gee, you know.... you're right. Of course, this chapter
is now getting a little long, so they're going to have
to wait for the next one.
J.T.: Lazy bastard.
DDFA: Teehee. ^_^
END OF PART 36
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Is Minako truly insane? Is that a silly question? Why am I up at
4 in the morning, writing this? Have I too much spare time on my
hands? Is this a silly question? Will Jing Jing ever make a
reappearance? And will it be whilst eating a Sailorsenshi or two?
Has DDFA taught his cat the secret of the Dragon-Slave, or is it
the other way round? For absolutely no answers to any of these
questions, thus making them irrevocably redundant, and thus making
you wonder why you bothered reading them, do not read the next
enthralling chapter of "The Fanfic Formerly Known As...." if you
know what's good for you. ^_^
_________
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)
/ / ^ ^ \ \ darkdayforanime@hotmail.com
/</ w \>\ "I saw his body thrashing round, I saw his
\/ \/ pulse rate going down, I saw him in
\___________/ convulsive throes, I said 'I'll have one of
/_/ \_\ PU those'."
(He'll Never Be An) Old Man River - TISM
TROGGLE 1.0 - 4.46am, Tuesday, 7th December 1999