In light of our conversation, I shall begin. This, being my favorite
thing you've written, will be my opener.
If you aren't Ammadeau and as such probably have no clue what the hell
I'm talking about, you can find the fic here
http://ammadeau.tripod.com/stories/ModusEVA1.txt
As for the rest, well, I got bored on the FFIRC. Go from there.
Ritsuko had said that it would be impossible for the >error to occur in the Third Child's activation test, but >Misato wasn't so sure. In her experience, just because >something couldn't go wrong one way, didn't mean that it >couldn't go wrong in so many others.
Ritsuko is talking about one error and Misato is worried about any
number of errors. But by saying "Misato wasn't so sure." you start us
thinking that Misato is also thinking about just one error.
Ritsuko is already being painted as a "End Justify the Means" individual
and seeing the Protectors as agents, not people. Interesting. Wonder if
that will come back to bite her.
Why are they called plug suits? If your changing the basic premise, one
would think that even that would be changed.
*Weird,* he thought. *I've never been here before, but I'm >sure that there should be some people around.*
And the understatement of the fic award goes to Shinji!
He eventually found a phone and tried the number >he'd been given, but all he got was a recording saying that >the phone lines were down due to the current emergency.
Protecting the civilians from the Angels making prank calls. I
understand now.
When talking to Misato, the very first time, wouldn't Shinji inquire
about his mother? I mean, it was a priority in the original series.
Did you know your fic gets very trippy when you listen to Hallucinogen
while reading?
*Wrong, every school kid has been lied to.
I love that line. It's great.
haired young woman who looked somewhat familiar, but in his
currently frazzled state he couldn't place it.
Are you talking about the face or the woman? Either way, you need to
edit this line for pronoun agreement.
Hmm. Shinji looks like he's getting the hot for his commanding officer.
I love the voices in Shinji's head. It adds a great deal of flavor to
the story. You may want to play it up a little more. You could add a
very intense element of psycological confusion, with Shinji not knowing
if he's sane.
Shinji took to this changing shape bit remarkably quickly. It also
seemed like he changed out of it before really realizing what was going
on. Interesting.
In the scene after Shinji kills the fake Misato, Misato, Ritsuko and the
commander are talking. However, with three people speaking, its
impossible to figure out who's saying what.
The comparison between Misato and Ritsuko and the "fake" ones is quite
interesting. I thought that was very nicely done.
Chapter notes as a whole: Very good. I liked the flow of the story
though it did have a few moments it lagged.
Now on to chapter 2
Nice scene with the dead Misato. I think Shinji's got quite a few mental
problems before him.
I think you used too many ellipses in the dialogue at the hospital.
Nothing else really worth mentioning though.
The whole thing fits very well with 'H' by Tool.
Miashara