C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
Travels, Training and Trials
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by June "KaraOhki" Geraci
karaohki@snet.net
December 1, 1999
[...]
Akane struggled vainly. Ranma had her pinned.
Wait, what's going on? What did I miss?!?
Kara doesn't write lemons, right? ^_^;;;
[...]
Kuno and Ranma watched her departure with totally different feelings.
Kuno had always been completely confident that he would be the one to
defeat Akane. Now this stranger had come out of nowhere and done so.
He was disappointed, humiliated, and angry. Whoever this Ranma was,
he would live to regret what he had just done.
Ah, that puts everything back into context. It's been a while since
I've seen part two, so I was a little lost to start. Then again, it
was certainly a good way to grab the reader's attention. :)
[...]
Nabiki nearly fell out of the window. She made it a point of watching
Akane's battles every morning. Her little sister was very talented.
"Talented"? [shakes head] That's it. No more lemons or limes for me...
[...]
The neutral mask began to crumble. Akane made an effort and
controlled herself, but for just a second Ranma caught a look in
Akane's eyes that he had never seen on a human before. It was the
look of a trapped animal. Ranma instinctively reached out a hand to
comfort Akane, causing her to practically jump out of her shoes.
"Don't touch me!"
I happen to like reading the complete and utter mental breakdown
of cherished characters (there's nothing wrong with that, right?),
so this was fun to read.
Of course, I don't think you're going to give Akane a mental
breakdown, but I like the angle you're taking with this. I saw
almost immediately where you were going with it, and it seems very
plausible.
[...]
[I don't care what Daddy said about 'pretending to like Ranma'. I've
got to take advantage of Ranma's defeat of Akane now.]
suggest: take advantage of how Ranma defeated Akane, now
or: of Ranma defeating Akane, now
(I think it reads a little better without the repeated "of"s:
"advantage of ... defeat of".)
[...]
Nabiki draped herself across Kuno's desk.
Uh... Interesting imagery, Kara. ^_^;;;
"Oh yes. Seems Daddy's been keeping a little secret from us. He and
Mr. Saotome agreed that Ranma would marry one of the Tendo girls.
Ranma asked for time to decide, but it looks to me as if he already
has."
suggest: He and an old friend made an agreement that Ranma
(Mainly, I don't think Nabiki would be referring to "Mr. Saotome",
when Kuno doesn't know who he is.)
Nabiki knew that her remark would make an impression on Kuno, but she
didn't get the reaction she'd expected. First he looked as if someone
had hit him over the head with his own bokken. Then he looked
murderous.
As indeed, anyone might be, after being hit on the head with a bokken...
What Nabiki didn't know was that Kuno had been living in a private
fantasy for months.
I think she could have made a reasonable guess. :j
[...]
Now his fantasy had been destroyed. His first reaction was grief; his
second rage.
I don't think he'd feel his fantasy was destroyed, only endangered.
Obviously Akane does want Kuno to defeat her, and she's no more happy
than he that this oaf has gotten in the way. I mean, he had to have
seen the way she reacted to being beaten by Saotome!
[...]
The look directed at Ranma was filled with distrust.
"So you say."
The look of hurt on Ranma's face made Akane feel very guilty, but no
more trustful of him.
"no less distrustful", maybe. Hmm, that doesn't read too well, either.
[...]
The classroom door burst from its hinges.
Just checking: does it have hinges or runners?
(i.e., is it swinging or sliding?)
[...]
Without realizing that she'd done so, Akane gave Ranma a look that
plainly said "Help me!"--a look that was so piteous he couldn't help
but obey. He took a deep breath and calmed himself. He had to get
Kuno away from Akane before she fell apart.
Anything Goes Look Piteous So They Do Whatever You Want!
"This is a private matter, Upperclassman. Do you think we should be
discussing it in front of my entire class? I'm out of here!"
I almost thought this was the prof talking. I can't see Ranma saying
"upperclassman" or "my class". After all, he's never been good with
authority, plus he *just* met the students; would he consider them
*his* class (instead of "the" class) already?
[...]
Confident that she no longer had to worry about being forced to marry
Ranma, Nabiki settled down at her desk. Her boyfriends sat on either
side of her, glaring at each other. Nabiki smiled at both.
Whoops. Mental hiccup. I forgot that this Nabiki's got boyfriends.
So far she had everything under control.
punc: So far, she
[...]
A slight twinge of conscience was quickly suppressed, and Nabiki put
her mind on her studies.
suggest: conscience was quickly and brutally suppressed ;)
[...]
Unfortunately, Kuno had other ideas. He grabbed Ranma, but instantly
let go when he realized that the person he was touching was most
definitely NOT male. Ranma pulled herself from the pool and was about
to run off when Akane arrived.
Well, heck. I'm sure the parts he was grabbing would only make it
easier for him to hold on. And how much more pleasant than to grab
a male. ;) Why let go?
[...]
"Fair one! You must not go!"
His hand was slapped away.
"Who are you calling `fair one'?"
"Then, 'tempermental maiden'?"
I'd suggest just using plain ' quotes, instead of ` and '.
Of course, anything that's plain ascii is good.
[...]
The only answer he got was visual. Akane poured a bucket of water
over Ranma, and Kuno saw him change back into a girl. They repeated
the process three more times before he spoke again.
Splash on, splash off... The Splasher!
(Available from Jusenkyo Mail Order Products
just in time for the holiday season!)
[...]
Akane looked so upset that Ranma couldn't help patting her hand. When
she jumped backward and started to shake, he became concerned.
"Akane?"
Akane burst into tears. "Don't hurt me. Please, don't hurt me."
/me laughs maniacally. >:D
[...]
[She must be running a fever or something,] thought Ranma, and he
reached out to feel Akane's forehead. Akane's reaction stunned him.
She stopped crying, a look of sheer fury crossed her face, and she
slapped his hand away.
"I said not to touch me!"
Akane's obviously not *too* familiar with this fear thing...
[...]
"That's not it! I've known some of these boys since we were in grade
school! I don't want to be FORCED to be with a boy because he's
stronger than me! That's what my girlfriends said--that if I got
defeated by one of them, he could...he could...and I wouldn't be able
to do a thing to stop him!"
I see the logic here, but I wonder if it's really necessary for Akane
to get the idea from her girlfriends. I can see her coming to the
conclusion on her own.
After fighting them all the time for the right do date, she's
eventually got to consider what would happen if she lost. They'd
still want to date her, and she'd have already proven herself too
weak to stop them if they tried anything.
[...]
"I'll be your friend, Ranma. Just don't tell our fathers anything, or
they'll have us down at City Hall before the day is over."
I've seen this mentioned in about a zillion fanfics as a reason
why Ranma and Akane never proclaim their love for each other.
Out of curiosity, are there *any* fanfics out there where this is
prcisely what happens? Ranma and Akane proclaim their love and
*do* find themselves in front of the family registers?
[...]
Did Ranma really have a curse that turned him into a girl? This last
question was the biggest topic of conversation, especially since no
one wanted to believe Kuno's bizarre story.
Would Kuno say that Ranma is cursed, or that he is a "monster" that
changes sexes? I bring it up since you used that word yourself, and
would be in keeping with his fantasy world.
Assuming you're keeping Kuno in a fantasy world, that is.
[...]
Akane was very quiet while she digested this information.
And the ice cream... "Brain freeze!"
[keels over in pain, holding forehead]
[...]
Ranma shrugged. "Supposedly there's a Spring of Drowned Man at
Jusenkyo, and if I jump into it I'll go back to normal."
punc: jump into it, I'll
"So why didn't you do that right away?"
Ranma: Well that would just kill the premise of the comic!
Akane: Huh?
Ranma: Whoops, broke the fourth wall. [sheepish grin]
Akane: HUH?
[...]
"Heh. That's what I wanted to do, but he wouldn't let me. Seems some
other guy tried that. He overloaded his system and dropped dead."
Very tragic story. [nodnod]
[...]
And now for the completely opinionated section....
An interesting part. I especially liked the insight into Akane's
feeling towards boys. I hope you don't just drop it, since I don't
think a primal fear like that can be rationized away.
When Akane felt "it wasn't threatening at all" when Ranma touched her,
I thought it could be taken two ways. Either she's really gotten over
it, or it's a desperate attempt to *convince* herself that she's gotten
over it. "It wasn't threatening. It wasn't! I'm okay. It's not a
problem. I'm okay..."
I think the option that interests me is obvious. ^_^
I didn't get too much out of the discussion at the end. Well-adjusted
Ranmas do not make for good reading, in my opinion. Seeing Ranma
casually laugh over wanting to go to school was just eerie. Plus I'm
never too happy when authors want to list reasons for why their more
intelligent characters don't immediately cure themselves. (Pet peeve
of mine.)
I hope to see what Nabiki (and Kasumi!) are going to do with our happy
couple, and how this Akane adapts to a boy friend. ;)
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/ Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"