Hi,
Thanks for writing.(again. ^_^)
My comments ##
From: "Miller, Bert" <bert.miller@unisys.com> |
Block address
To: "'allyn yonge'" <ayonge@yahoo.com>
CC: "'ffml@fanfic.com'" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject:RE: [FFML] Re: [ranma][fic]Yellow Dragon,
Black Tiger Epilogue
Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 12:39:01 -0500
For what it's worth, I thought you handled Akane's
name
change well. I agree that you didn't want to stick
with
it in a tale of this length.
The only other thing you might do is downplay it a bit
at
its introduction, for instance, have her adopt the new
name
as an additional one, even at the cost of historical
inaccuracy.
I don't recommend this; I just throw the idea out.
##Ummm, I see your point. If this were a longer story
I'd probably do just that. Actually one of the
problems in
dealing with Chinese ans Japanese history is that a
single
individual might change names several times over
his/her life.
And it's not out of the question that family members
might
have a more �personal' name for a loved one than that
used
more publically.
I did feel that the epilogue seemed a bit disconnected
with
the rest of the story, at least at first. Once I was
into
it, the humor and the counter-intuitive matchups were
quite
welcome, but still a bit disconnected. Much of the
material
would work quite well as a standalone "Twenty Years
Later"
type fic, but little of it appeared to directly follow
as
consequences of your main story.
##You are absolutely right. It's not about direct
consequences.
It IS just a slice of life. I thought that after all
the stress
and strain of the previous chapters it would be nice
to decompress
the reader with something a little soothing that would
still
bring everyone up-to-date. ^_^
You might consider making it clearer at the end of 4-2
that
Nabiki did strangle Oda; this would remove any
expectation
on the reader's part that the epilogue will
immediately
follow the main story.
##Good point. I'll try to make it clearer.
Other epilog suggestions: Make it clearer that Kasumi
is now a
Yellow Dragon (if she is) as a consequence of the
events
of your story.
##Now this seems to be a definite problem.
IMO what Kasumi is doing is nothing more than a
moderately
difficult gymnastic dismount. The HARD part is
ignoring the iron spikes.
THIS Kasumi can do because, IMO, she exists in a
natural Zen state.
I'll have to make this clearer in the text.
Make it clearer that Ukyou is now Prime
Minister as a consequence (if it is) of the events of
your
story.
##Only in-so-far that Ukyou needs something else to
obsess about.
Explore the Shampoo-Akane-Ranma threesome a bit
more.
##^_^ That would be an entire fanfic in itself. ^_^
Besides, it's more fun to leave something to the
readers imagination.
Don't know if this helps or not.
##It does. Indeed it does. Thank you very much.
=====
When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
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