Afraid I can't comment on the WHOLE thing... too much, too little
time. But there are a few spots...
Keep in mind the journey is almost always more interesting
than the destination.
Oh hell yes! I remember one time, on my way to Seattle... never
mind... can't tell THAT one here. ;)
Journey
Part Two: Stepping Out
0_0;; For some strange reason, my mind first interpreted this as
'coming out'. Yikes. (Stepping out of the closet? Naaah...)
<snip>
Shrugging Ranma-chan grabbed her napkin and followed suit. She
barely noticed the slight tingle the cloth gave her in her hands.
What was a little more magic in this saturated land.
Need a question mark instead of a period. This happens ALOT
throughout the fic - you might want to check on that.
Also, when you open the sentence with an active verb ("shrugging"),
you generally need to put a comma afer it - especially when it's immediately
followed by a proper name ("Ranma-chan", in this case).
<snippity-snip>
opponents many of the techniques of the Amazon Matriarch and the
old...er, young pervert were designed to clear the playing field of the
Need to fix these. On my reader the ellipsis character shows up as
a big, black block. I had to open the message in Wordpad to see what it was
supposed to be. Since you write in Word, try going to the options menus and
turning off the Autoreplace feature - or, at least, modify it so it doesn't
replace this (...) with a single-character equivalent.
The only other problems that caught my attention were typos... which
Word _should_ have caught, if you ran the spellchecker, but I've seen Word
do some pretty wierd things, so...
Anyway, they're not numerous enough to prevent me from reading and
enjoying this piece. Actually, to be honest, I not only read it, I went
back and read all the previous chapters as well. GREAT job on these.
Being a Rifts GM myself, I can honestly appreciate the research that
must have gone into this. If you're at all like me, you've got a truckload
of information stored in your head from across pretty much all the books,
but it's synopsis-type information - not many details. There's simply too
much!
(I have to admit, though, I like your take on the Summoners. Heh.
I may use 'Zar in my campaign, if that's ok with you. :)
BTW - if you're ever in the Spokane, WA area and want to get in on a
Rifts session - or run one, seeings as how I've been the GM and haven't
actually PLAYED for ages - let me know. :)
Keep up the good work!
Brian Payne
Wielder of the Purple Lightning Bolts of Doom
("Hey! Zues said I could!")
sofaspud@ior.com
brianp@nhspokane.com
It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your fanfics are?
http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud