Subject: [FFML] Re: My first fic ^_^
From: turk187@crosswinds.net
Date: 11/30/1999, 10:55 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

At 08:09 PM 11/30/99 -0500, you wrote:
Well this is my first attempted at a story that made it over a page.  Anyway
please read it and give me some pointers.  Thanks


First pointer: Tags
the header should have read

[fic][Tenchi] Dare to dream

Or some variation. at the very least the title should have been there. 

Second pointer:
Formating. I don't know what program you use to write but if you can I
recomend you adjust the margins to four inches or so. It looks better on
smaller moniters. Also, instead of tabs, try double spaces.

Dare to Dream
Tenchi Muyo is owned by other people; I donšt claim any rights to it.  I
don't want to be sued.  Not that you would get anything if you did sue me.
(you can take what I don't have)  Thanks ^_^

Don't you mean, 'CAN'T take what I don't have' ? Also, this disclaimer just
screams 'sue me' (don't bait anybody.)





   Dare to Dream
Prologue
Tsunami sighed the time was almost up.  She had been granted 20,000 and 1

Tsunami sighed. The time was almost up.

years of peace for overcoming her evil sister Washu.  That was the way of

'For' overcoming, or 'to' overcome? where the 20,001 years a reward for
something she did or time to prepare for something?

contest for intergalactic control.  The eternal monitor Tokimi had
maintained the balance for millions of years.  "If only she had a little
more time" sighed Tsunami she had come so far this time.  She had almost
completely turned Washu to good.  She had been so close.  But than Tokimi
had begun to send people to retrieve the other Goddess.  It was time to
prepare for the battles, another thousand years of war and woe.


Enough Tsunami gathered in all the elements of life and power.  With great

Enough? A statement of Tsunami's or are you saying that there is enough
Tsunami.

effort she diced on a plan.  Step 1 position her pieces.   In the millions
Diced? choped her plans into fine bits? Or Decided on a plan?


of years she had fought this war she knew the strength of goodness and the
weakness of it.  Fortunately for her she would have time to prepare her
defenses.  She looked to her various pawns and knights.  Yes, bring her
first knight home.   It was time to send some dreams.
Chapter 1
The holy council was in turmoil, not scene the out brake of Jurian Elm had
not SINCE the outbreak of Jurian Elm Disease

the council been this worried.  Funaho looked on concerned; all the
representatives were arguing.  Even the hyper conservative royal houses were
coming off their high horses to argue.  The labor cast was practically up in
arms, and the merchant guilds had stopped disputing trade tariffs and
territories (something not seen in the history of the governing body).  Even
the pacifist party had stopped it continual quarrel with fleet command.  So
stopped IT'S continual quarrel (pacafist's quaraling?)

they could voice their opinion on how to deal with the Light Hawk crisis.
Every preschooler knew the bases for all the Jurian Empire's power was their
ships' ability to create the light hawks wings.  Now with the threat of
another group gaining this power the empire's very foundation was being
rocked.
Azusa sat his rubbing his temples.  " Enough" he shouted, "the matter has

drop the first 'his'    "Enough," he shouted. 

been settled.  The scientist Washu has agreed to help no one develop the
technology."  "This cannot be acceptable"  yelled one councilor.  "We cannot

To the best of my knowledge the technology she agreed not to develope was
copies of Ryoko.

just leave our empire to chance your majesty".  "The word of the scientist
just isn't good enough."  " This is not open to debate when you sent my
wives and my self off to review the situation you gave up all say in the
resolution." The emperor boomed.   The rest of the council big sweated.  As
they received a knowing glance from Funaho all the objecting councilors knew
Funaho had the goods on them (black mail has always been a common happening
in major courts; Juria was no exception).

"Yes.. ah well ah... the matter of Washu, maybe settled <gulp> but that
still leaves the boy who can produce the light hawk wings."  One the nobles
said sweating under the combined gaze of the ruling family.  However, much
to the relief of the councilor a deep voice intervened.  Among the
councilors only one had remained quit this entire time, the high priest of
Tsunami.  The priesthood had not intervened on governmental affairs in over
5,000 years (After all the last time people had gotten burned. Coincidence,
I think not).  However this worried Funaho more then a little, among all the
councilors the only one she couldn't control was the church.

I'm going to stop the play-by-play at this point. This needs a lot of work.
You have a good beggining of a story here. I recomend a couple of
pre-readers, a spellchecker, and drop out the cliches.

Looking forward to a second draft.
*******************************************
Science Fiction writers build castles in
the air; the fans move into them; and the
publishers collect the rent. It's a nice
place to visit but please dont' try and
live there

-Sharyn McCrumb "Bimbos of the death sun"
*******************************************

I fic, therefore I might be.

omne ignotum pro magnifico

*******************************************


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