At 19:59 +1100 30/11/99, Phil wrote:

Comments offered as suggestions/opinions only:

    The gleeman smiled tightly.  "I watched, boy.  I watched.  You
protected people you could have left to die.  That at least shows
you have some character and that aren't mad yet,

 >> last bit reads funny, perhaps: 'aren't that mad yet'?

  <sheepish>  Eehh...  yeah...

    Surprisingly, both Akane and Ukyou managed to get on their horses
without falling or otherwise attract undue attention to them, though

 >> Grammatically correct, but it reads a bit strangely, perhaps:
... without falling. Nor did they attract any undue attention, though...

  Not sure about having two sentences...  How 'bout:

Surprisingly, both Akane and Ukyou managed to get on their horses
without falling or attracting too much attention to themselves, though

want to bet any money on that.  When they reached the ferry itself,
Ranma noticed that Lan was signing the other ones to show their
weapons, but not to be too obvious about it.

 >> 'signing the other ones'? I don't understand that at all.

  He was making signs?  :P

  I guess 'signaling' would be the correct term here...

time, Ranma easily keeping up with Moiraine's mare, with Ryouga on
the other side.  Ranma tried to read Moiraine's intentions, but
discovered that the Aes Sedai had one of the best poker faces he had
ever seen.

 >> And making Ranma green with envy. :)

  The problem is, as one of my pre-readers put it, that almost anyone can bluff Ranma.  He can't tell a good poker face from a bad one...

 A thought came to him.  "Do you have a
mental discipline when you fight?"
  "Do you have a mental discipline when you fight?"

 >> Repeated sentence.

  One my most glaring mistakes in the fic...

    "Are you telling the truth?" Rand asked dubiously when Ryouga
tried to describe the vastness and the technological level of Tokyo.

 >> Of course, they never realized that Ryoga was mixing Tokyo up with a dozen other
cities. :)

  "They have this really huge Sphinx thing in Paris, too!"

_thought_ it was Kyoto.  Cities all looked alike to him.  The
postcard showed a part of the city, namely a small park surrounded by
skyscrapers.

 >> It also had New York City Central Park stenciled on it, but Ryoga had somehow
missed that. :)

  Heh.  :)

    "Why should I, Akane?  Ryouga getting lost is almost as natural as
the sun rising in the morning.  He'll find his way back - he always
does.  I'll bet you that in less than a month, no matter where we
are, Ryouga will bump into us *or more precisely me*."

 >> Hmm, thus far, you've been using * to denote thoughts, so the usage here is
rather confusing.

  Actually, he *is* thinking the last part...

martial artist to threaten Mat with extra sparring sessions, which
shut the older boy quickly enough.

 >> 'shut up'? perhaps: 'silenced' instead

  <nod>

    Ranma didn't listen, of course.  Once she made it to the stop of
the second staircase, she saw Akane and Ukyou walking into one of the
rooms.  *They'll hide me!* thought Ranma, as she ran at full tilt
towards the room they had gone in.  She opened the door, spinning on
herself and slammed it shut.

 >> 'spinning on herself' sounds awkward, perhaps: 'lunged inside, spun, and'

  Hmmm...  good idea.

 >> Other comments:

The usage of some of the Japanese is pretty jarring at times.

  In which circumstances, exactly?

There were some places where I thought the comma punctuation was off, but I'm very
weak in that area so I didn't comment on them.

  No matter, my other pre-readers are having their usual fun at any rate...

All in all, an excellent chapter with very nice descriptive paragraphs. I hope to
see more of this soon (despite the fact I haven't read any of Jordan's work before).

  This is what scares me.  People understanding the fic even though I left out *soooo* much...

  Read the books!  :)

  They're good for you...  [evil grin]

When will the next chapter of LoD appear? :)

  Before 2000 hits the world.

Hope this helps.

  Thanks!  I took your other comments in, too.  :)

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