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Comments ##
Ranma 1/2 used without permission
Spiderman used without permission
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Amazing Spiderman Issue Six: Spider Seekers
##The formatting is a problem. I've fixed the first
few pages but
it makes reading very hard. Of course this may just be
me. ^_^
They flew through the narrow spaces between
the shadowed
buildings, unnoticed by the populous of Tokyo. The
four basketball-sized machines
moved as one in a precise diamond formation, a single
thruster propeling each
small drone. The dome-shaped front held a single red
lens, arcing
smoothly into four gently curving protrusions that
terminated just short of the
thruster.They sailed down one of the thoroughfares of
Tokyo before the
leader arced sharply to the left, the last three
following suit.
##Very nice. interesting opening, excellent
descriptions.
Gosunkugi crouched on the side of one of
Tokyo's many
skyscrapers,allowing the breeze to wash over him.
There was a slight chill in the
air as October got underway. Fall was here, and Winter
wouldn't be far behind.
He looked down at the moving parade of lights
on the pavement
several stories below him, allowing his mind to roam.
Unfortunately, it
seemed stuck on Nabiki Tendo and the shadowy figure
who seemed intent
on having him.
## "On having him."??? on having him . . .what? a
little odd, IMO. Otherwise
very good.
<SNIP>
But he also rescued Nabiki, when by all rights
she should have
been left to fry.
##harsh. ^_^
Not only had he possibly established a connection
between
himself and Spiderman to any and all interested
parties, putting his
life on the line in the process, but he was also
concerned for her safety.
Maybe he was some sort of hero after all.
Gosunkugi's next thought was cut short when
his spider sense
suddenly flared to life. He quickly looked around,
wondering just what
was after him now, and so far up at that.
## "and so far up at that." sounds a little strange. I
had to read several times
before it made sense. I'd re-write. Perhaps:
" . . .wondering just what was after him now, and on
top of the building."
Or
" . . .and at this altitude."
//Huh?\\ Above to his left, a basketball-sized
machine hovered
in place, a red lens extending out of the front. It
appeared to be watcing
him.
//Why do I not like this?\\
##Errrr, red is bad luck?
<SNIP>
Gosunkugi had leapt off the roof before the
second drone
exploded,
the shriek of tearing metal piercing his ears as the
scaffolding was
rended
##Ummm, rended is a little awkward sounding.
by the force of the blast. The remaining two drones
followed him, one
breaking formation while the remianing one followed
him.
//Okay, one behind me,\\ he thought as his
spider sense kept
tingling. He swung as quickly as he could on his webs,
knowing that he
probably wouldn't be able to out-distance his
mechanical pursuer.
Without warning, the other drone appeared
before him.
Recognizing
the squeeze play, an idea came to him. He would have
to time it
exactly, but
it was his only real chance.
Gosunkugi kept swinging forward, waiting for
just the right
moment.
After what seemed like hours, he released his webline.
Gosunkugi
plummetted
to the earth, hearing the two drones colliding and
exploding in
mid-air.
##Hmmm, good fight scene. However at this last I'm
make it a
little clearer that he's dropping free as the two
"drones" are heading
toward each other.
<SNIP>
========================================
"They have failed, Doctor Ping," Wu Long said
in an icy tone as
he
glared at the woman beside him. The monitor showed
only static, the
four
spider seekers no longer able to send images.
"On the contrary, Mr. Long," she said as she
stepped behind her
wheelchair-bound daughter, "they have succeeded."
"Would you mind explaining that to the rest of
the class?"
##class???
Long
asked, his tone still cold.
"Destroying Spiderman wasn't the intent of the
spider seekers,"
Ping
said with a hint of impatience. "Their purpose was to
prove that my
tracking
computers are capable of finding Spiderman, and they
did."
"Then whose is it?"
##Whose is what??? I don't quite understand this.
Reading back I _think_ Long is asking whose
responsibility it
is to destroy Spiderman, but it's not clear. I'd
re-write a little.
<SNIP>
"I despise that man," Ping snarled after
making sure he was out
of
earshot.
"Then why do you work for him, mother?" her
daughter asked. Her
black hair was cut in a stylish bob, with skin similar
to her mother's.
Her
face was shaped much the same as well, high cheekbones
and almond
shaped
brown eyes.
##Nice description. I just wouldn't drop it into the
story in one
chunk like this. Add it into the story as needed.
"Because it's my fault that you're stuck in
that wheelchair,
Fei,"
Ping replied, her voice heavy and eyes downcast. "I'll
do anything to
make
it up to you."
##Ummm, still doesn't explain WHY she's working for a
man she despises.
There are a lot of high tech jobs that pay well and
have a better retirement
plan than most super villains. ^_^
<SNIP>
"Is that why you're doing all this?" Fei asked
incredulously,
"for a
hoverchair?"
"Mr. Long is the only man with the necessary
funds and
equipment to
develop it who would hire me," Ping said. "I would do
anything to help
you,
even kill this Spiderman if I have to."
##Ummmm, IMO you need a MUCH better inducement than
this.
For one thing Long would have to go a LONG way to pay
better than Microsoft or some of the other Silicon
Valley co's.
Plus Robotics are VERY big in Japan.Many high paying
jobs.
Good description and dialogue. The motivation is weak.
Perhaps access to illegal bio-technology to repair her
daughters spine.
something to do with human experiments in China or
something
similar. Now THAT she couldn't get anywhere else. Plus
the Chinese
are rumored to be doing exactly that.
===================================
Nabiki sat at the low table, a bowl of Miso
soup in her hand.
She
ate steadily, unlike Ranma and Genma, who fought a
raging war over one
of
Kasumi's famous rice balls. Soun sat at the head of
the table, face
buried
in his newspaper while Akane and Kasumi ate. In other
words, it was the
same
as always.
##Don't need the line "In other words . . ."
I'd go almost directly from "Nabiki sat at the low
table . . ." to "A picture of a burning . . ."
Most of the stuff in the middle isn't needed. And
doesn't really contribute to the story.
<SNIP>
Having
pictures
of her bound and gagged in a warehouse printed all
over Japan was not
something she found very appealing. The damage to her
reputation would
be
irreversible.
##OTOH she could start selling a new line of pictures
along with those of
Ranko and Akane. ^_^
<snip>
=====================================
"I don't believe this," Gosunkugi growled as
he read the
headline.
"I fight some six-armed freak, save Nabiki's life, and
I'm being called
an
arsonist!"
##Well, what else does he expect. This IS Nerima after
all.
<snip>
For the time being, however, he would just
concentrate on his
schoolwork. That would take his mind off of whoever
was behind the
flying
smart bombs. Tossing the paper into the nearest trash
bin, Gosunkugi
continued his walk to school. He would ponder all this
later.
##I've got to admit that he's awfully blase about all
this, even
for Nerima. He's not Ranma after all. ^_^
=======================================
//Three o'clock,\\ Ukyo Kuonji thought to
herself as she
glanced at
the small clock, //Ranchan will be along soon.\\ The
thought filled her
with
a certain giddy delight as she kicked back on the
small stool she kept
behind the counter. She would see her Ranchan soon,
and the day would
then
pick right up despite the slow business.
Sometimes, however, she would wonder if he
would ever be hers.
Whenever he showed up, it was just for a free
okonomiyaki or twelve and
be
on his way back to the dojo and Akane. She wondered if
he ever noticed
her
at all.
##Ummm, this is just a little too standard Ranma
fanfic. Not
very interesting as written.
She often wondered if he would notice her even if she
served
him
while stark naked behind the counter.
##Ummm, you might try that next chapter. The fanboys
will notice even if
Ranma doesn't.
While she may not have been as... gifted... as
Shampoo, she was
certain that she was a damn sight better built than
Akane. While she
liked
the girl and all, she knew that she was the better
looking of the two.
##Since when does Ukyou like Akane?
<SNIP>
----------------------------------------------------
Hikaru Gosunkugi was in deep thought as he
walked the street,
but
for once his mind didn't dwell on his dual life as
Spiderman. He was
thinking of how to attempt asking Akane out once
again. She knew his
name, a
fact that almost made his heart skip a few beats, and
she didn't seem
revolted by him.
##Good start in a relationship. Knows name. doesn't
throw up looking at you.
He must be reading Hibiki Ryouga's best seller
"How to get any girl to fall in love with you, once
you find her."
All Gosunkugi really had to do was get her to realize
that
he was the man for her, not that overblown super-jock
Ranma.
##Yep. Definitely reading Ryoug's book.
<SNIP>
crossed the street and entered the Ucchan.
##Ummm, I think it's Ucchan's Okonomiyaki
but I could be wrong.
=====================================
<SNIP>
"As I was saying," Long continued, "you have
been late on your
payments the past two months. I would hate to think
that it was because
you
had decided to welch on your loan."
"Watch it, buster," Ukyo growled softly so as
not to disturb...
whoever that was in the booth. "I told you why I was
late."
"True, but the fact remains that you were
late," Long replied.
"Two
payments were late. You know what will happen if you
are late on a
third,
correct?"
"I know," Ukyo whispered, desperately wanting
to whip out her
spatula and launch the arrogant bastard straight to
the moon. However,
smacking her loan officer wouldn't go over too well,
and he looked the
type
to get rather nasty if he was ever crossed.
##Oh come on. Whap the bastard.
The terms of her contract had been simple,
being late on three
payments would result in a fifteen percent interest
hike on her loan.
Another such occurence would result in her loan being
called in all at
once,
with failure to pay resulting in criminal prosecution
and possible time
in
prison.
##Errrr. Loan sharks really can't take people to
court. That's why they're loan
sharks. Even in Japan. ^_^ They just send somebody
around to beat you up.
The terms were harsh, but nobody else would even
consider
giving her
that kind of money.
"I mailed the check yesterday. It should be
there by now," Ukyo
said, wishing Wu Long would hurry up and leave.
##They usually like to work in cash, not checks.
"I certainly hope so," Long said as he rose
from his stool. "I
hope
another meeting like this will not be necessary."
<SNIP>
she seen him? "Hey, hon," she said, "you look kinda
familiar. Have I
seen
you around before?"
"Uh, yeah, actually," he said, a hint of
bashfulness showing,
"I'm
in your History class. Name's Hikaru Gosunkugi."
##Cultural note. The teachers change class, not the
students.
You have the same class mates through out your entire
school life.(Unless you change schools or<gasp> get
held back or something equally bad)
She could have seen him at lunch at least and possibly
during other school
functions.
<SNIP>
. He'd never managed
to
cheer anyone up before, and it was a rather pleasant
feeling indeed.
##Cute.
===============================
Kazuya Sakamoto was a careful and methodical
man, never leaping
before he looked. Such caution had usually rewarded
him, bringing him
up to
his current position as leader of the Kabudosai,
Nerima chapter of the
Yakuza. It wasn't overly much, with Nerima being a
just another small
burg
on the outskirts of Tokyo, but it was a start.
The call had come just minutes earlier. The
voice of his
Oyabun, or
Capo, or whatever others would call such a man,
##awkward. Just stick with Oyabun. delete the "or
Capo, or whatever . . ."
had told him more than
the
actual words. He had been given one final chance to
bring in the other
set
of plates.
Not that he, or any other chapter of the
Yakuza, would use
them. As
friendly as they were with Japan's business and
government, they would
never
have the need. Aside from what such an influx of
unbacked currency
could do
to the already shaky economy, the main reason for
reclaiming the plates
was
political, even racial. There was no way they'd let
any gaijin, a
CHINESE at
that, conterfeit Japan's currency. Such would be an
unforgiveable
insult.
##1)Yakuza are not any more honorable than any other
bunch of thugs.
The are into drugs, gun running, prostitution,
counterfeiting, etc.
2)Governments (at least industrialized countries) have
more than
enough resources to counterfeit currency. They don't
need to steal plated.
What they might have trouble with are the special
inks, paper, encoded micro
strips, etc. I'm not up on the latest Japanese paper
money but that's pretty standard.
The plates are the easy part. And they wouldn't need
to steal them. Plates are easy enough to make. It's
paper, INK and some of the nifty new imbedded magnetic
strips and other stuff that's hard.
<SNIP>
=========================================
/<SNIP>
<SNIP>
//But what
do
they get? Gosunkugi gets some quick cash and a
reputation as a very
good
photographer. Spiderman gets to see himself on the
front page in the
morning, and most likely a cut of the money.\\
#Cute.
<SNIP>
They
had used her for bait once, and they probably would
again. In the end,
however, they would want her to disappear permanently.
There really wasn't any choice. She would
watch Gosunkugi like
a
hawk, and she would find out just what the deal was.
Like it or not,
her
life may very well depend on him, and Spiderman.
##Ummm and why not let Ranma in on this. He's killed a
demi-god
after all.
Overall: an interesting and well written story.
I suppose my problem with it is that I just don't care
much about Gosunkugi.
Has noting to do with the story. For instance, I only
read the chapters of
Nabiki, New Horizon's that have Akane in them. (I keep
hoping
that stupid gaijin Nabiki married will
get eaten by a volcano. ^_^ Or at the very least
Nabiki will take him to the
cleaners in a divorce and he'll throw himself under a
train.)
This is interesting and well written. A couple of
cultural problems, but
nothing that's a story killer.
=====
When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
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