Discussions 4 or "Animal Sickness"
(We open up in a typical doctor's room, with examining couch, lots of
equipment, framed pictures of the doctors diplomas, and a jacuzzi. We
see Lum idly looking around the room and fumbling with her tiger bikini
suit. The door opens and Dr. Tofu, Anime Doctor to the Stars, enters. He
smiles.)
Tofu: Well, I have good news and bad news.
Lum: So, darling, what's the good news?
Tofu: They're going to name a disease after you. (He tilts his head a
bit and smiles in the way only anime people can smile.) And I'm going to
get the Nobel Prize in Medicence for this!
Lum: Oh, dear. (She starts to scratch her head.) S-s-so tell me, why is
it so bad?
Tofu: Well, I believe it's has something to do with your horns. (Lum
points to her pointed numbs on the top of her blue hair.)
Lum: These? I-i-i-it's what made me a oni all these years!
Tofu: Well, I'm afraid that's the problem. You see, your horns are
growing. It's the reason for your migraine headaches. Soon, they'll
start to branch out and you'll get this urge to rut and hunters will
shoot you down because they want that rack. You might even be stuffed by
a taxidemist and mounted on a wall. I think you're rack will be a 16
point rack, and that's a problem.
Lum: I-i-it is? If my horns are just going to grow what's the problem
with that?
Tofu: Female deers don't grow horns. (Lum thinks about it for a while
and then her eyes dilate.)
Lum: Oh, dear.
Tofu: Exactly.
Lum: No, no...I mean...I'm going to become a man?
Tofu: I think that's the case. You'll start to become a guy and there's
not much we can do here. (He hands Lum a card.)
Lum (reading the card): "Jusenkyou Springs, China. Rest, Relaxation, and
a Change of Sex." I-i-is this the answer?
Tofu: Possibly. By becoming a man, you may circumvent the disease and
cure yourself. Of course, then you'll have the problem of changing forms
at the drop of water. (He shrugs.) I don't know.
Lum: B-b-but if I don't do this, then I'll grow these horns, turn into a
man, and have the urge to rut?
Tofu: Not to mention the desire to lick salt.
Lum: Oh, dear.
Tofu: Precisely. (Looks at his watch.) Oh, my, I've got to get to
another patient. You wait here and my assistant Kasumi will attend to
you in a moment. (Lum nods.) She'll have more information about the
Springs. (Lum nods.)
Lum: Thank you.
Tofu: Your welcome.
(He leaves, and we follow him down the hall to another room. This one
happens to have a mirror. He enters and we see Ayeka, Ryoko, Sasami,
Mihoshi, & Kiyone on one side. On the table , sitting down in a cat-like
position is Tenchi.)
Ayeka (clutching the doctor's white sterial coat): You've gotta help us!
Lord Tenchi isn't his normal self!
Tenchi (waving): Miyaa! (Dr. Tofu suddenly gets really concerned.)
Tofu: Hmm...has he been under a lot of stress?
Ryoko: Well...yeah. I guess, we've been pressuring him to make a
decision about which one of us girls he wants to marry. He started to
act weird.
Tofu: Weird? As in... (Tofu gets out a pad and starts writing down
details.)
Sasami: Well, he started to take an unusual liking for carrots. I mean
he couldn't stop eating.
Kiyone: Then we noticed he started to get these bright blue splotches
all over his face, kinda like that pet cat...
Ayeka: But when he transformed into a Range Rover out of the blue after
a very heated argument between the five of us over Lord Tenchi, that's
when we knew something was seriously wrong.
Misoshi: But, that was the coolest car I've ever driven! (The other four
nod their heads in agreement.)
Sasami: Yeah...I guess we're a little ashamed that we'd like the fact he
turned into a car.
Ryoko (smiling): I enjoyed the little trip.
Tofu: Hmm, I see. (He walks out of the room, and comes back in with a
huge salad bowl of julliene-sliced carrots. Tenchi's eyes light up as he
sees the carrots.)
Tenchi: Miyaa!!! (He promptly dives into the carrots and munches. Tofu
checks on his forehead, sees the blue spherical bump, writes it down.
Then he checks the back of the neck. He then turns to the the girls.)
Tofu: Well, I'm afraid Tenchi has gotten the case of cabbit fever.
All the girls: Cabbit fever?!
Tofu: It's a very bad case, too. But, I think we can stop it all
together as long as he doesn't start to grow fur. (The girls nod.
Misoshi raises her hand.) Yes, Miss?
Misoshi: I-i-is it contagious?
Tofu: No, it's not contagious, not that I know of...
(Suddenly a pink Chevy Corvette crashes the far wall. Tenchi stops
eating and looks at the car. Suddenly it morphs into...Washu. Washu
shakes the dust off of her, quickly sits down on all fours, looks at the
bowl of carrots and smiles.)
Washu: Miyaa!
Tenchi: Miyaa! (Washu leaps up and joins Tenchi in eating the bowl of
carrots.)
Ryoko: Mother?!
Ayeka, Misoshi, Kiyone, & Sasami: Washu?!
Tofu (big-sweating): Oh, dear. I didn't expect my sister to get cabbit
fever either... (Ryoko does a double take.)
Ryoko: Y-y-your...your my uncle?!
Tofu: Why, yes. I'm Washu's younger brother.
Sasami (blinking in confusion): Younger brother? I didn't think Washu
had any family other than Ryoko.
Tofu: Oh, yes. I'm only three thousand years younger than Washu. (looks
at Ryoko) I'm surprised your mother never mentioned anything about me.
Ryoko: Well...she never said anything. Anyway, now my mother's got
cabbit fever! It's contagious! What are we going to do about it!
Tofu: I've got an antidote here, as long as...(poit! Fur starts to
sprout on the back of Tenchi's neck, and on Washu's arms. Dr. Tofu looks
extremely worried.) Oh, dear. We maybe in trouble.
(Ryo-oh-ki waddles in, sees the bowl of carrots. Washu and Tenchi looks
up and smiles at the cabbit.)
Washu & Tenchi: Miyaa!
(Ryo-oh-ki blinks and then pulls out a bottle of Vodka and starts
chugging it down. She stops, half way finished and hands the bottle to
Ryoko. Ryoko finishes the bottle.)
Tofu: Oh, dear...I wonder if this is just an isolated case...
(We switch over to the Rayearth castle. Ferio, Fuu, Presea, Umi, and
Hikaru looks at Clef, who's hopping, jumping , and just plain acting too
much like he's on crack.)
Presea: Well, this is certainly unexpected. Clef getting Mokona Measles?
Fuu (nodding, holding hands with Ferio): That's what my hubby said,
right Ferio-chan?
Ferio (smiling): Yeah. This could be very serious. Who knows what
mischief Clef might do now?
(Suddenly, a beam of light fires from Clef's newly formed ornament and
120 pounds of Godiva's chocolate appear all wrapped in up Christmas
bows. Clefs smiles and hops around some more.)
Clef: Puuu!
Hikaru: Eh, Clef can wait. Who wants some chocolate? (A mass chocolate
frenzy erupts as everyone dashing and leaps into the piles of chocolate
treats just to get a morsel. We quickly switch back to Tofu's office,
where in one room, Lum has grown antlers, a white tail, and is licking a
white block while on all fours, while Kasumi has just gotten off the
phone.)
Kasumi: I can get you a ticket to Jusenkyou on the 14th of this month.
Is that fine, Lum-san?
Lum (smiling): That's great. Say, do you have any more salt blocks?