Upperclassman Ranma

A fan-fiction by Ranmania.

Foreword: Erm, what was that I said about ending it there and then? Well, I�ve received a lot of mail for my two earlier chapters, most of it was quite encouraging and the rest just told me what I did wrong. To those who sent me both kinds of mail, a big THANKS!
If you�re new to this story, don�t worry, nothing much has really changed, if you�ve read the manga or
watched the show, you�ll get along fine.

Chapter III: Ranma�s final battle! (?)

With a resounding boom, the fist of Ryoga Hibiki slammed into yet another unfortunate wall. Damn it all, how DID that jerk move so fast?! �Ranma! Fight like a man!� Wheeling around, he found his quarry standing on top of a fence, giving him a look that a giant would give to a murderous mosquito.
�Ryoga, what is it THIS time?� Ranma was not in a fighting mood. Just yesterday he�d been handed yet another extra assignment because he�d failed to hand in the extra assignment before that� And now Ryoga had bashed his way after him, ostensibly to punish him for his innumerable crimes against Akane, him and anything else that might cross his mind.
�Because of you, I�ve seen HELL. You�ve insulted Akane one too many times, and� and�� Ryoga paused for a while, then sighed. �I�m not fooling anyone, am I?�
Ranma�s brain skidded to a halt. Hold a sec, it said. This is Ryoga �Rampaging Hog� Hibiki. And he�s actually stopping in mid rant? Something is not right here.
�Ranma, I just want to fight.� Ryoga gave one of his infrequent sunny smiles. �I�m bored! I�ve nothing to do! So I thought maybe you and I could� Ranma?�
�You� wrecked my room, dragged me out all the way here� RUINED my mood for studyin�� BECAUSE YOU COULDN�T FIND SOMEONE TO PLAY WITH?!� Ranma fumed, stress-marks appearing on his head.
Ryoga grinned. Maybe he should�ve tried the soft approach long ago. �And what about it, fem-boy?�
�RAAAAAGH!� Ranma had finally reached the end of his fuse. And now he was going to explode. Right in Ryoga�s face.

�Dr. Tofu?�
�What is it, Akane? Oh� Ranma again?� Tofu Ono adjusted his spectacles, then held the door wide open as Akane dragged her fiancee in.
�Looks like Ryoga really beat him up this time.� Akane dumped Ranma onto the bed. Right now, Ranma did not resemble a person so much as a piece of modern art. You know, the ones which look like a pretzel that�s gone all wrong. And then some. The only method of locomotion open to him now would involve hopping on his right hand.
�Feh, he got in a few lucky shots.� Apparently none the worse for wear, Ranma was currently scribbling madly on an exercise book which had the word �LATE� written all over it so many times that the original cover design was now more obscure than Mousse�s vision.
�Nevertheless, we must run a few tests for someone who�s experienced as much� bodily rearrangement as you have, Ranma. This won�t take a moment.� Tofu cracked his knuckles.
Akane winced. This was going to hurt.

An hour later, a revived Ranma was dancing his way back home. Well, at least to other people it would look like dancing. He was weaving, wobbling and spinning, yet somehow managed to move in a more or less straight line. And he was still scribbling on that book.
�Ranma? Maybe you should just sit down and get your bearings first.� Akane did not appreciate the way people had been staring at her and Ranma.
�Look Ma, that guy�s doing your dance!� A boy who was probably no more than 10 piped up.
�Kentaro! Your mom doesn�t dance.� A stout, short middle aged woman hurried by.
��Course you do mom! When you an� Miss Akemi an� Mr Godai an� all party�� The rest was lost as Mom hurried away.
Akane turned her head back to Ranma. �You know, this is the first time Ryoga�s ever managed to do that to you. Are you sure you�re alright?� He�s getting so irritable and stuff nowadays.
�Yeah, whatever. This weekend I�ll go over to Akari�s and pound him back, �k?� Ranma found a convenient low wall and sat on it. He didn�t stop scribbling for a heartbeat. Slowly but surely, Ranma�s pencil began to give off smoke, then burst into flames as the friction generated too much heat. Flinging it away in disgust, Ranma exhaled deeply, massaging his temples.
Big-sweating, Akane looked up at Ranma. �You know, you could always ask for more time. That business with the China gang last week really took up most of the weekend.�
�Never! And admit that I can�t handle it?! No way!� Ranma�s eye began to twitch as he leapt into a stance that people who wanted to make declarations of determination usually adopted.
�You haven�t slept for three days straight! There�s no way you�ll finish all the assignments if you pass out!� Akane�s temper was rising. Just like that arrogant jerk, never admitting that he had limitations.
�Maybe it�s too much for someone like YOU, but I�M not giving up!�
�Oh grow UP! Why are you such a jerk?!�
�Oh yeah? And why are you such a tomboy-eeee�� Ranma�s eyes glazed over and  he fell face-first into the ground. According to the universal laws of anime, the exercise book landed on his head soon after.
�RANMA! RANMA! What�s wrong?!� Akane broke into a panic and she began to shake his prone body. �Stupid jerk, you shouldn�t have been pushing yourself so hard.� Akane looked as if she was about to break into tears.
�Wake up! Don�t scare me like this!� Akane hugged Ranma�s head. All in all, it looked like a picture of a maiden running to a battlefield only to find her lover slain. �If you leave me now��
ZRXGRRRTLLLNNN-SNORT� Ranma�s trademark snore cut through the tender moment like a turbo-charged chain-saw through a jellyfish. Akane stared at him for a second, then smiled grimly and rolled up her sleeve.
�Make me look like an idiot, will you?�
POW!
ZZ-SNORT-GXXXR� Ranma snored back, sailing through the air with a look of utter bliss on his face.

Evening at the Tendo dojo. The wind rustled through the leaves as the sun relinquished its benevolent hold on Nerima and night crept in to lock it in its embrace once more
�Dinner everyone!� Kasumi called out in her clear voice.
Within seconds, Genma had whizzed into his place, held up a sign saying �Thank you Kasumi.� And then he held his chopsticks at the ready, waiting for his son. And waiting.
When everyone else was at the table, Ranma was still no where to be seen. Only when everyone save Genma was on their second bowl (and the former on his fourth) did Ranma come down the stairs.
He walked to the table. He didn�t run, did not even jog or TROT. Just walked.
�Sorry I�m late guys. Hey Kasumi, this looks great.� He droned as he ate his rice. Ate it at a speed far slower than the usual Saotome Grindstone-in-throat velocity. In other words, he ate just like a normal person. But somehow he finished before anyone else did. With that, he bowed and prepared to make an exit.
Genma was in his face as he turned to leave the table. �Son, we missed the usual morning workout. Be down here at eight.�
Akane protested, �Uncle Saotome! Ranma�s just got injured this morning!�
��S okay Akane. I�ll be here Pop.� Saying that, he padded up the stairs.
�N-no desert?!� Soun�s chopsticks trembled in his hand. �SAOTOME! A demon has possessed your son!�
�Maybe the boy is just feeling a little under the weather.� But the panda was looking more than a little dubious itself.
�He only took three bowls�� Kasumi noted, a faint frown creasing her fine features.
Genma and Soun looked at each other, sweat forming on their brow. Then they snapped. �Ranma�s been possessed!� Soun broke into a wail, clutching at Genma.
�The boy must have angered the gods and is now cursed!� Genma waved his sign about as he tried to hug Soun.
�Daddy, Uncle Saotome, I�m sure Ranma�s just a little tired. He took quite a beating today.� But Akane had doubts of her own. Ranma, what�s happening to you?


A few hours later. The sparring match had been short and quick, totally unlike the normally drawn out and dramatic battles the Saotomes usually had. And then Ranma had vanished back upstairs again. Shaking his head, Genma set the sake onto the warmer and sat down by the Go board.
�Ranma! Nabiki�s home from Uni again, would you like to join us for supper?� Kasumi�s rang through the dojo.
No answer.
�Akane, would you be a dear and go fetch Ranma? He never misses supper.� Kasumi asked gently.
�Sure Kasumi.� Akane bounded up the stairs. Ranma missing supper? A sure sign of the apocalypse, that. Most probably the jerk was sleeping.
Akane almost ripped the door open. �Ranma! Are you deaf?!�
�Huh? Oh, no thanks Akane, �m not hungry.� Ranma glanced up from his small fort of textbooks, papers and stationery.
�Ranma? That�s next week�s topics, you don�t have to study them yet.� Akane was disturbed. Ranma and study were two words she�d normally never associate. Except with the word never in between them, that is.
�I gotta catch up. There�s still English I have to work on, and Miss Hinako doesn�t wait up for those of us who fall behind�� Ranma snapped his fingers, then attacked the textbook with renewed vigour, his hands blurring as the words appeared on it as if by magic.
�Ranma, you�re scaring me. Why are you suddenly so caught up with studying?� Akane sat down by Ranma�s side, all thoughts of supper forgotten.
�Akane, in six months we graduate. I HAVE to get into a good college.�
�How come? You weren�t this book-crazy before.�
�My future�s at stake here Akane. I need t� go to college if I�m going to bring anyone into our dojo. These days, the people look for the diplomas and degrees the sensei has��
�So this is all about the dojo and Anything Goes��
�Hell it ain�t! Akane, when I grow up, I don�t want our family to� to� whoops.� Ranma blinked once or twice, then went back to scrutinising the texts.
Akane felt the blush creeping in at her ears, leering at her. Oh, aren�t we embarrassed? �Ranma? What about our family?�
Ranma didn�t answer her and kept on eyeballing the textbook. For some STRANGE reason, Ranma�s pencil was now static in mid air, his whole body stock still. As Akane took his hand, Ranma�s pigtail stood up like a ramrod.
�What about it?� She pressed.
They spent a long moment in silence, no one speaking, then Ranma opened his mouth�
CRASH!
A large furry panda and a certain long haired martial artist wore identical silly grins as they fell through the flimsy door. �Whoops� One said it in words and the other in sign, but both meant the same thing: Isn�t it wonderful, children? Go on, don�t mind us old fools. Heh-heh.
Ranma stood up so fast that Akane was still holding the air where his hand used to be. �Wow, I AM hungry. Guess I�ll go for supper after all.� With that, he tromped downstairs. First Akane, then the patriarchs of both families followed suit soon after.
In minutes, all that could be heard was the sound of a family (and its long-term house guests) sharing a meal together.

The next day, a sombre meeting was taking place in the same room in which there was so much happiness just the night before. The Go board was there, but neither of the men sitting at it were touching the pieces.
�So� it ends.� A single tear ran down Soun�s cheek. He sighed and looked over at his old friend. To people who didn�t know him, they might have thought his reaction a little insufficient. But when Soun Tendo truly felt grief, no amount of tears could truly express it.
Genma was taking whatever bad news it was even harder. Tears streamed down his broad face unchecked as his large form quivered. �Why didn�t I know better? All those signs��
�Don�t blame yourself, Saotome.� Soun sighed once more and looked to his left.
A large envelope labelled �X-ray� lay on the table. One look inside had been enough.
�Akane! Come here.� Soun summoned his daughter.
Ladylike as always, Kasumi left her kitchen and sat down at the table, wearing her usual smile. At least until she saw the LOOK. The LOOK which her father had worn when the news that Mother had�
�Father? What is the trouble?� as Kasumi finished her query, Akane zipped into the room, still sweating from her workout in the backyard.
�Uncle Saotome, why are you� crying?� Akane hadn�t been old enough to remember how her father had looked like on that fateful day, but she knew that when Genma Saotome wept like this, nothing good was going to happen.
�This is about Ranma� Do you remember that trip to China you had a few months ago?� Soun�s voice was as dead as chivalry.
Its always about Ranma, isn�t it? Instead, Akane simply said, �Yes, when we visited Jusenkyo.�
�It seems Ranma�s body sustained some� irreparable damage from whatever he did there. The report states that every battle after that has added to his internal injuries.� Soun paused for a moment, looking out the window.
�In other words, Ranma Saotome� is dying�� Soun bent his head and let the tears come. But they wouldn�t.
�Does� does this mean, the engagement is off?� Genma looked up.
Soun stared at his friend for a second or two, then broke into a wail. And then he pulled out a huge mallet and started chasing the heavyset man all over Nerima. *

* Guess we know where Akane learnt THAT trick.

Act two: I ain�t goin� down without a fight!

�Now remember, don�t let Ranma hear about this. Let his last week be a happy one.� Her father�s words ran through Akane�s mind over and over again. Ranma Saotome, dying. Ranma Hit-me-with-a-huge-mallet-an�-I-don�t-care Saotome.
�Well, aren�t you happy? That jerk�s finally going out of your life for good!� A small Akane with horns, fangs and a forked tail appeared by her head in a puff of smoke.
�I� guess so� But��
�Don�t listen to her, Akane!� Angel-Akane arrived in a small explosion of sparkles. �You remember how that jerk, I mean, Ranma always looked out for you when he could?� Angel-Akane pulled one of her charge�s cheeks playfully. �And all those times when you had those INTERESTING thoughts� Tee-hee-hee.�
�Hey! Butt out, halo-head! Akane�s MY territory!�
�Oh YEAH?! Just make me, brimstone-breath!�
In true Akane style, the two manifestations of Akane�s conscience began to brawl, eventually creating a ball of dust and violence from which only the occasional head or fist poked out.
�Akane?� jumping down from the fence, Ranma waved a hand in front of Akane�s eyes, which were watching the illusory battle. �Yo, earth to tomboy, do you copy?�
A number of triggers in Akane kicked in. The mallet was only a small distance away�
�Ack-NO! Akane! Remember what Daddy told you!� Angel-Akane squeaked out from a choke-hold. A small scuffle later, and then she was holding Devil-Akane in an arm lock.
�Huh? Sorry, guess I just spaced out for a while. Lets go, we�ll be late.�
Ranma watched the retreating form of his fiancee. Something was not right here, he thought as he leapt back onto the fence.
�Yay! Victory!� Angel-Akane squealed in joy, holding a out a proud V with her fingers. Beneath her feet, Devil-Akane was covered in bruises, eye�s swirling. �Didja see that, Akane? Hey! Akane! Wait for us!� Angel-Akane grabbed her rival by the tail and sprinted away.

At school, things were progressing a little more normally. Hinako-sensei drained the chi from a number of students, Principle Kuno announced that this was �late assignment week�. Not that anyone really bothered to pay attention to him, though.
Lunch-time, however, saw three young women gathered at a corner of the canteen. If the mood was any more serious, you could�ve bounced bowling balls off it.
�Ai-ren� dying?� Shampoo was on the verge of tears.
�So it ends here�� Ukyo fiddled with the hem of her skirt.
�Remember, we have to make him HAPPY.� Akane strove to hold herself together. No way was she going to break down. Not in front of all these people. She was STRONG.
�Hi Ucchan, Akane� Shampoo?� Ranma walked by, smiling. To everyone else, it was just a normal best-of-friends smile.
What the trio saw was VERY different. Ranma�s eyes were full of stars and light glinted off his teeth with a �ting!�. His muscles swelled beneath his uniform� He became The Perfect Man.
�WAAAAH! RANMA! DON�T GO!� As one, the three burst into tears and charged, image be damned.
Ranma�s eyes nearly popped out of his sockets and his pigtail stood to attention. Then he panicked and ran for it. �What did I do THIS time?!�

Somehow, Ranma made it through the rest of the school week. It had not been a good one. Ucchan had almost strangulated him in the corridor once (she later said that she was hugging him), he�d been mobbed by hormonally overcharged boys for �making our Shampoo cry�, and Akane had actually been NICE to him! She�d helped him with his classes, joked with him and SMILED at him when he called her a tomboy.
�Tee-hee, Ranma, you�re such a crack-up!� She�d said.
He�d been so shocked that he apologised on the spot.
�Bet they�re thinkin� that I�m gonna die or somethin�.� Ranma shivered. �Thank GOD its Friday.� He turned and looked at the school gates. Akane should still be cleaning up the classroom. He DID owe her something. And he couldn�t wait to find out why everyone was treating him like they did. He leaned against the gate post and read his textbook yet again. He still couldn�t memorise that bit on the funny angles�
�Ranma!� Mousse crashed into the ground, dressed all in red.*
�Aw, geez, Mousse, what is it this time?� Ranma threw his book into the air. A second later, it slid neatly into his backpack.
�Ranma�� Mousse stepped forward slowly. �I� want to THANK YOU!� With that, Mousse grabbed Ranma and hugged him, tears streaming down his face.
�THANK YOU THANK YOU OH THANK YOU SO MUCH!� Mousse gushed as he pumped Ranma�s hand so hard that Ranma�s body began to bounce up and down.

* When there is a happy occasion like a wedding or birth of a child, Chinese people traditionally wear red. And if you�re Mousse, this would be a VERY happy occasion.

�Y-y-you�re v-v-very w-w-well-c-c-come. N-n-now, w-w-what is it I-I-I d-d-did?�
Just as Mousse was about to reply, Shampoo�s bicycle landed on Mousse�s head.
�Mousse!� was all Ranma could understand as she began to fire off a stream of Chinese. Mousse nodded, smiled brightly and then waltzed away. Literally. With the bicycle.
�Celebration night, COME ON! Yeah-yeah-YEAH! Woohoo!� Mousse sang as he disappeared around the corner. �Dance with me! Yahoo!�
�Silly Mousse,� Shampoo frowned, then was all her usual cheerful self as she turned to Ranma. �Nihao! Ranma wait for pervert- uh� Akane?�
�Yup.� Ranma replied automatically before slapping himself over the head. This was Shampoo he was talking to! No telling what she�d do now!
�Okay! Shampoo no disturb! Zai jian!� Shampoo turned to go, then stopped in her tracks. �Oops, almost forget.� She whipped back to Ranma, then pecked him on the cheek. �Bye-bye!� She chirped as she bounced away.
Ranma stared at where she�d been. That wasn�t right. Shampoo usually tried to crush the life and stuffing out of him, not kiss him. Wait a minute. Kiss. Him. KISS HIM? Ranma�s hair stood up on end for the second time that week. There had to be some kind of potion on her lipstick! Some mind control or something!
�WAAAGH! Get it off!� Ranma used his handkerchief to scrub furiously at his face. Nothing. �Hmm� guess I was wrong.� Then Ranma began to drool and grin. Woohoo, Shampoo kissed him. Heh-heh� It had been quite nice actually.
�Ranma! What a nice surprise!� Akane saw her doomed fiancee at the gate and instantly went into super-nice mode. �Why are you blushing?�
�Huh? Oh, Akane, hi! Heh-heh.� Ranma snapped out of his fantasies and returned to the real world with a crash.
�Waiting up for me? That�s so� sweet of you.� Yuck, there was a limit to what she would do. And Akane was reaching it�
�Aw, its nothing Akane. Say, can I walk you home?� Ranma was beginning to blush again. Praise from Akane was more� stimulating� than seeing Shampoo in her birthday suit. Hmm, hold a sec, Libido said. I�ll get back to you on that� OK, you were right, carry on.
With his brain in full agreement, Ranma smiled and began to walk home.
Akane swallowed. Those injuries must really have gotten to the man. He was behaving really weird. Well, she was supposed to make him happy. �Ranma, would you like to go see that new movie? Tonight?�
BOOM. Ranma�s brain kicked him in the butt. Wake up! Akane�s asking to go on a date! Shampoo kissed you without trying to seduce you! Mousse hugged you and shook your hand! Your Pop�s stopped competing for food! If that ain�t sign enough, I don�t know WHAT is!
�WAAAGH! YOU�VE ALL BEEN POSSESSED BY BRAIN-SWAPPING ALIEN ZOMBIES!� A combination of fear, late night movies and a distinct wish to keep the contents of his head IN his head, Ranma broke into a run which normally could only be inspired by a swarm of cats breathing down his neck.

When Ranma reached the dojo, he was panting. �Pop! Akane is acting really WEIRD, and� Oh hi Mom.� Ranma grinned and waved to Nodoka. �She�s going all gushy and- MOM?!� Ranma�s nerves wouldn�t be able to take much more of this. �Pop! Quick! Get the cold water!�
�Son, calm down. Your mother knows about your� condition.� Genma said woodenly. The initial meeting had not been pleasant, but they�d managed to put aside their differences for their son. The words were like rotten food in his mouth. Sour, stinging and holding a double meaning. (Usually that he was going to get a stomach ache and that Akane had been in the kitchen again.) And also that it needed to be spat out quickly.
Ranma froze in mid-flight, his brain not believing his ears. His mother. Here. Knowing that he was her son. �Mom��
Nodoka simply looked at her son with reddened eyes. For all the lost time they�d never have again. But whatever little was left to them, she�d treasure every second. �Ranma, you�re looking well.�
They didn�t say anything after that. They didn�t need to. The reunited Saotome family just held each other.
All Kasumi said was �Oh my.�
And for once, Soun and Akane, who�d just arrived, couldn�t agree more.

�Aw, mom! Do I HAVE to wear these?� Ranma fidgeted in a new pair of trousers and a shirt.
�No son of mine is going to look like some beggar from China.�
�Mom! I-�
CHA-SHING�
�Ah-heh� I LOVE these clothes, Mom! Now, please put the big sword away��
Into the scabbard went the sword, out came Nodoka�s smile. To Ranma, it seemed as if the two were becoming mutually exclusive.
�Now, you go out and have a good time, you hear?� Nodoka looked dreamily at her son. �You remind me of your father when he was younger.�
Ranma felt a little nauseous. Wait a minute. Does that mean in around 20-30 years� I�ll end up looking like Pop?! Maybe I should have gone with the seppuku instead�

A scene flashed through his head. A dojo. Sounds of battle emerging from within. A Ryoga Hibiki with a moustache slammed to the floor, grimacing and growling, but not getting up. �Ugh� Ranma� I�ll get you yet!�
A shadow loomed over the prone martial artist. �Ha! That�ll be the day! Ranma Saotome NEVER loses!� With a smirk, the figure points to himself. He would be best described as Genma with a pigtail in a kung-fu outfit. Suddenly, a torrent of water engulfs �Ranma�. What emerges is more than enough to scare Mikado Sanzenin into declaring himself homosexual for the rest of his life.

�YEEEEE!� Ranma broke into a run powered by sheer, utter terror. In his wake are a number of Ranma-shaped holes in the paper walls and doors.
Nodoka wiped a tear from her eye. �Just like Genny when he was younger.� Then again, she hadn�t seen Genma in a while too. Maybe it was time to� get reacquainted. Gripping her sword, Nodoka smiled grimly. Oh yes, they�d have a WONDERFUL time together.
Outside playing Go with Soun, Genma�s stomach had a brief spasm.

Dinner was  turning into an ordeal. Ranma had been fairly relaxed when it had first started out. Come on, I�ve taken Akane out before, right? This is a posh joint, but after that stunt at the Chardin�s I�m more than used to posh.  So why am I so edgy this time?
�Ranma? Do you want anything else?� Akane beamed at him. Ranma considered himself unshakeable, but Akane was already off the Richter scales. She hadn�t stopped smiling once. When he�d accidentally touched her but- posterior, she�d just giggled. Where�s the mallet? Does she have a mob awaiting her signal? AAGH! I wanna KNOW!
��S okay, thanks. Erm, Akane?�
�Yes, Ranma, dear?�
Ranma fought down the urge to shudder when he heard the word �dear�. �Why are ya being so nice to me?�
�Why�� Akane racked her brains. Come ON, there�s gotta be a lot of reasons why you�d sweeten up to a� a� sex-changing, insensitive, perverted, idiotic, gluttonous� doomed� guy.
�Akane?� Ranma began to relax. She had started looking angry, then a little sad. This was the Akane he�d come to know and lov-like.
�Huh? Sorry, just spaced out.�
�So, why are you being so nice to me?�
�Well�� Out of options. Think girl, THINK!
Fortunately, Akane didn�t have to answer. A certain bandanna wearing martial artist decided to crash the party. �RANMA!� For once, Ryoga had chosen to use a door. �Thank God I�ve found you!� He fought for breath, half the building�s security force�s clinging on to him in a pathetic attempt to bring him down.
�What is it , Ryoga?� Akane began to sweat. Not now. Not here. This might well be the last time Ranma and she went out.
�Huh, oh, hi Akane. Anyway Ranma, I just want to�� Ryoga gave Akane the most minimum of nods.
Uh-oh� Ranma began to shift his weight into a battle stance. �Yes?� He asked the panting boy.
�I want to� SAY I�M SORRY!� Ryoga began to kow-tow, shattering the floor in his grief.
�Huh? For yesterday? I�ve had worst.�
�No! I cannot accept your generosity! I have victimised you when you were weak!�
�Weak? Okay, so maybe I hadn�t slept for a while. �S okay, water under the bridge.�
�Really! Thank you Ranma! I promise to take care of Akane when you�re gone.�
�That�s nice- take care of Akane when I�m WHAT?!� Ranma shot up from his seat, sending the chair flying into a wall.
�When you�re gone.� Ryoga got up, dusting himself off. The few officers who�d managed to hang on while he�d been head-butting the floor slide to the ground making bubbling noises.
�What gave you that idea?� Ranma asked his rival, all thoughts of mallet-wielding mobs gone.
�Don�t you know?� Ryoga seemed honestly shocked.
�Know WHAT?� Ranma was getting more than a little vexed.
�You. Are. Dying.� Ryoga said simply. No malice, no hatred. �I dropped by Dr Tofu�s� he told me all about it.�
�Grab a seat. I wanna hear all of this.�
Ryoga talked. And talked. All Ranma did was listen. And nod once.
�So� that�s the whole shi-bang.� Ryoga concluded. �Your liver�s levelled, your heart�s had it, and your spleen�s shot. Seems that Saffron managed to do you in.�
Ranma didn�t say a word. He nodded again, as if that was the only thing he was capable of. Then he sighed.
And smiled.
�Thanks for telling me Ryoga, should�ve guessed it myself, but...�
Akane broke her horrified silence. �Ranma?�
As if he�d just found out she existed, Ranma turned to her, still smiling that smile. That awful smile. �Akane, I�m calling off the engagement. �S been a blast.� With that, he shattered the window with one swift blow and leapt out. From the 13th storey.
�RANMA!� Akane screamed.
Somersaulting off the side of the building, Ranma continued smiling, gave her a thumb�s up sign and kicked off into the darkness.
�Don�t worry, Akane, if I know that fool, he�s more than able to get down safely. He�ll-ack� Ryoga�s reassurances were cut off sharply as Akane�s megawatt glare shot him down.
�I�ll never forgive you for that. Goodbye, Ryoga.� She gave him one last disdainful look and hurried after her fiancee in a rustle of skirts.
The only sound that could be heard was that of Ryoga�s glass heart crumbling to dust. Brushing aside a tear, he stepped out the hole in the window.
�never forgive you� never forgive you� Ryoga clenched his head and screamed. �SHI SHI HOKODAN!� The blast slowed him down some, but not enough. It still hurt. He wanted it to hurt. Akane hated him. His best frien- rival was dying. He was� �so� miserable��
Feeling totally alone in the world, Ryoga trudged away into the night.
On top of the Furinkan Clock-tower, the tallest building in Nerima, a pigtailed martial artist declared his challenge to the world. He would not go down without a fight.
Scurrying through the streets, a girl with short hair searched desperately for her fiancee. She would stick with that id- stick with him to the end.

Act three: Secrets? Mysteries? Kasumi?!

Dawn arrived, and Akane had not caught a single glimpse of her elusive fiancee. Bedraggled, wheezing and exhausted, she dragged her feet despondently to the porch of the Tendo residence.
�I just hope he didn�t do anything stupid.� Akane winced as she pulled her shoes off. And thanked God she had chosen to wear moccasins. �Wonder where he is right now��
�Oh, hi Akane.� Someone tapped her on the shoulder.
�GAH!�
Ranma smiled down at his fiancee. Kasumi�s smile. Implacable, unshakeable and sweeter than Shampoo,
Ukyo, and Akari put together.
�Huff� Huff� Here?! I� whole night� search�worried�JERK!� Akane drew back her fist and got ready to punt a certain inconsiderate jerk into the next millennium.
�Woah, ya thought I was gonna kill myself?� He was still smiling. Something�s not right.
Akane exhaled and let her fist drop. Hitting him when he reminded her so much of Kasumi would be like kicking the world�s cutest puppy.
�Come in Akane. Pop Tendo�s gonna flood the dojo if he doesn�t see ya.�
What followed was fairly expected. Akane entered. Soun bawled.
�Boohoo! My dear Akane is back! I�m SOOO HAPPY!�
�Ack� I�m� sorry, Daddy�� Akane muttered as Soun�s arms proceeded to squeeze all the life out of her.
Leaving this touching scene, Ranma slipped upstairs. Tendo had already given him the conversation he needed. And now he was at a loss as to what to do. If he�d been told a few days ago, maybe he could have done something� But what?
Ranma lay down on his futon. One last day. According to the medical report Soun had reluctantly given him, he had roughly this last day to live. Well, that�s around five more hours. Wonder what I�ll do�
Unconsciously, he began to glow a dark, ominous green�
�SHISHI HOKODAN!�
BOOM!
In the kitchen, Kasumi smiled. As usual. Ah, Ryoga must be here again. How nice. He and Ranma get along SO well together. She hummed gently as she deftly chopped up the vegetables.
That�s it. I�m not gonna just waste the little time I got left. Ranma snapped his fingers and flipped to his feet. Alright then! First thing�s first. Lets go get drunk.

Ryoga Hibiki was lost, thirsty and depressed. Except for the thirsty bit, he was otherwise normal. Fate�s punching bag ambled his way to a brightly lit building. Mori-chan: Bar. That was all he needed to know.

Half an hour later, he was at the table and drunk as a skunk after his fourth drink. He was also getting very vocal. �Ya know?� He slurred. �Der-der-der-there�s thish girl I know. Shee�sh very cute. Only �s this other� girl. An� shee�sh a real cutie-pie too. I jus� dunno-no-no which one-na choose, ya know?�
Another equally drunk voice piped up from the other end of the bar. �I-I-I-I gotcha� �s a� wossname� a love octangle, triangedon or somethin�� Got one�ve �em myself. Reeeeeal pro-pro-pro-hard damn thing��
Ryoga smiled sadly. Ah, a kindred soul. �Only thing ish� the firsht jerk loves a girl. Err� �mean the firsht love jerked a girl. Wha�ever� you know.�
�Yeah, get what ya mean� gotta real jerk shleeping with the firsht one, but she dun know it� Hee-hee. Stupid.�
Ryoga blinked. He�d never known that someone else could be suffering as much as he was. This man would be his friend for LIFE. �C�mere pal, who needsh women-men-men? WAHAHAHA!�
�Yeah! (hic!)� The unseen speaker called out his agreement. �Boys night out, BWAHAHAHA!�
And with that, Ranma Saotome stepped out into plain view.
Both boys got a real look at the other, then grinned stupidly.
�Ha! If I didn�t know better, I�d shay you wuz Ryoga! (hic!)�
�You� sure look like Ran-ran-ran� that pervert.�
They blinked, and peered closely at each other. �Oh, its you.�
The grins became even wider. �What the hell?! Letsh go have shome fun!� They chorused.
Weaving and bobbing, arms over each other�s shoulders, the two tried to make it to the door. And ended up giving the Mori-chan a new one.
�Whoopsh! We�re SHOORRRRYYYY!� They called back sincerely as they went out to paint the town red. Or, that failing, blow it up.

Normally, when either Ryoga or Ranma got drunk, they would fall asleep quicker than Mousse could say �Shampoo! Marry me!� However, when they got drunk together, sleep was not an option. They were too busy doing other enjoyable things that drunk super-powered martial artists did, like beat up offending trees, lamp posts and occasionally a very rude gust of wind too.
�WAHAHAHA! That�ll teacchh you shome manner-err-err-s!� Ryoga crowed as he demolished a freight truck which had DARED to try and be in the same place as where he wanted to be.
�Go get�em P-chan!� Ranma sang out, as he danced about in glee. Being drunk was fun. Oh yeah, real fun.
�I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME� CALL ME� Whatever. I�ll go pound you when your brothersh go �way. Then, you�ll SHEE just how nash-tee I can BE, Ran- Oh, HI Akane.� Ryoga blinked his bloodshot eyes at the young woman in front of him.
��S not Aka-aka� the tomboy, you MAROON. �S� Kasumi� Hi Kasumi!� Ranma grinned stupidly and waved.
Nabiki frowned. Ryoga and Ranma grinning at each other was something new. She didn�t know whether it was a make money something or a something where she should go man the bomb-shelters. �Oh, brother.�
�OOHH!� The two drunks chorused together. ��S Nabiki!�
�Ya know shomethin� Biki?� Ranma asked as he hung bat-like from a lamppost. �You have VERY sexy EYEBROWS. Yup-up. Ha ha��
Nabiki began to sweat. Scenes of Ranma fondling her� eyebrows� flashed through her mind. And she�d come back to Nerima to relax. Right.
�Nah!� Ryoga nodded, then caught himself and shook his head. �Her� nostrilsh� are MUCH cuter.�
Nabiki began to big sweat. While Ranma might rape her in this state, Ryoga�s hug alone would squeeze her innards out like a tube of toothpaste. Time for a safer subject. Come on brain, think. A-ha! �You know, I think Daddy would like a word with you two.� Perfect. Daddy will scare these two so bad with his reprimand that they�ll sober up instantly.
�Okay, Biki, where�sh the dojo?� Ranma shaded his eyes and made a big show of scouring the area.
�Err� You�re right in front of it.� Nabiki decided to make a hasty retreat before they got any more friendly. A walk seemed like a VERY good idea right now.
�Oh yeah! Silly me. Hee-hee. C�mon Ryoga!� Ranma grabbed Ryoga�s arm and marched (as close to a march as he could manage, anyway) away.
�Idiot!� Ryoga whacked Ranma�s head. �Dojo�s that way!�
Tromping off to a destination known only to him, Ryoga grumbled about other people having a sense of direction even worse than he did. If such a thing was indeed possible.
Somehow, with superhuman effort, Ranma crawled into the dojo. �Shtupid bacon-breath��

Genma�s brow was beaded with sweat. The last attack had been overwhelmingly powerful, his nemesis�s most potent technique to date. He�d let himself get distracted far too easily, and now there seemed to be little chance of him winning. There was no call for it. He�d have to use IT. His own secret technique. The Fierce Tiger Crosses the Styx. He drew in a deep breath.
�Hey! Look over there! A hundred and thirty-three yen bill!� Genma pointed frantically behind Soun.
�Huh?! Really?!�
Genma took an instant to grin. Then his hands became a blur as he resurrected all his captured pieces. Right in front of Soun�s king.
�Oh, sorry Tendo. Guess I need new glasses.� Genma grinned slyly.
�Saotome, you are-What?!�
Genma had expected something along the lines of �sneaky, underhanded, conniving cheat�, the highest form of praise. �What?!� was hardly adequate to describe his brilliance.
Then he noticed that Soun was staring intently at the door. Genma slowly turned his head, fearing the worst.
It was nowhere close to what he saw. Ranma, drunk, grinning and half-singing, �Cheater-cheater-CHEATER! Ha-ha-ha! NYAAAH!�
Genma saw Soun�s face tense up, like an overripe fruit JUST before it explodes and scatters seeds everywhere.
�RANMA!�
Boom. Genma slapped his head. This would get them tossed out right now.
Soun rushed towards the staggering martial artist. And grabbed him in a bear hug. �OH RANMA! YOU�RE FINALLY A REAL MAN! BOOHOOHOO!�
Genma resisted the urge to simply fall over.
�Come on Saotome! This is an occasion for celebration! Even in the face of death, young Ranma struggles on!�
Faster than any cowboy going for his shooting-irons, the two �masters� whipped out HUGE bottles of sake and began to dump it all down the hatch.
Soon, all that was heard was the raucous laughter of people intent on murdering every single last one of their little grey cells via alcohol bombardment. And on have a really good time at it.
�What�s all the noise?� Akane popped down into the living room.
�Akane!� Soun blubbered. �Come on! Ranma has come of age!�
�Huh? Whassat? Oh, �s Ucchan.� Ranma peered blearily at his fiancee. Well, one was the same as the other, right? All of �em wanted a piece of him. Or did all of him want peace? Thinking was getting quite hard. At least, he reflected, at least he would go out with a smile on his face.
�Right, come of age.� Nabiki said sarcastically as she came back from her walk. Behind her, Dr Tofu waited out in the porch, looking about nervously.
�Dad, I think there�s something you should hear.� Nabiki dragged her intoxicated father outside.
�Good evening, Father Tendo.� Tofu Ono bowed formally. �I�ve come here to apologise.�
�Come ON, Dr Tofu. It wasn�t your fault!� Nabiki protested.
�No, I must accept responsibility for my actions. I�m afraid I may have provided you with the wrong information. Here is the report on young Ranma�s condition. He�s a very healthy boy, just a little tired.� Tofu pointed ignored that the �healthy, tired boy� was currently babbling and doing a very bad dance with a screaming, upside down Akane. He seemed to like spinning her around a lot.
Soun�s bottle shattered in his hand. �HOW�COULD�YOU?!� Demon head alert! Demon head alert! �ALL THAT SORROW! ALL THAT GRIEF! BECAUSE-�
Pop!
Putting her pin away, Nabiki drawled at a dizzy Soun. �Because some bright spark sent KASUMI of all people to collect it. Gee, I wonder how THAT would affect anything.�
As Soun laughed nervously and tried to apologise, Genma perked up and bellowed the news to half the neighbourhood.
Inside, Ranma froze in mid dance. �Didja hear THAT, Shampoo?� He asked Akane�s left foot. �I ain�t gonna die! WHOOPIEEE!� With that, he spun around and around, finally releasing Akane.
SPLASH!
Glowing a dangerous dark blue, Akane rose from the depths of the pond like Godzilla from the sea. This was even more impressive if you realise that the pond was only around 3 feet deep at most.
�RANMA YOU JERK!� Hurricane Akane swept towards Cape Ranma, destruction on her mind and devastation at the ends of her fists.
POW!
�YEOW! That hurt!� Akane rubbed her hand as it began to swell.

Ranma rubbed his jaw a bit, then smiled the smile of the retarded and reached for Akane. �I�m SHHOOU shorry� let me give you a massage.� The fact that he stepped THROUGH the table with no apparent difficulty at all made it clear that his �massage� would effectively tenderise meat.
Akane backed away. This new Ranma was beginning to scare her. �No need to! It really doesn�t hurt that much! EEEEK! Keep away!�
With Ranma in hot pursuit, Akane barrelled her way to the porch and out into the streets.
�WAAIT! WASH IT SHOMETHING I SHAID?! HIC!�
Nodoka smiled at Genma. �Look at them, so much in love.� She didn�t seem to notice the screams as Ranma finally caught up with Akane. �I take it that the engagement is now valid once more?�
�Yes, dear.� Genma nodded, staring out into the twilight. �Soun couldn�t WAIT to insist on that.�
�Good,� Nodoka nodded. �That takes care of business. Now, do you remember that first night we met?�
Genma mentally sighed. This would take a LONG while.

End

OK! That�s it! Well, I�m working on a prose rewrite of chapter one and chapter four. A lot of thanks to the writers of �A Simple Love� and �Ranma�s terrible secret� for inspiring this chapter.

Ranmania, November �99.

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