Not wishing to consume too much bandwidth, I've decided to condense
several replies into a single message. Gary, Jamie & Bridget, and
Lawrence, I've made comments to all the points raised thus far about
Time's Promise. I hope you won't feel slighted about this grouping of
replies.
First of all, a hearty thank you to all the very kind messages that
people have sent to me. I'm feeling very warm and fuzzy now. Minna-san,
arigato gozaimasu. *Bows in appreciation*
Now for some replies about Time's Promise:
(1) From Gary:
As others have said, this was a really nice shortfic.
However. I think the explanations at the end are unnecessary, and
detract from the fic. This kind of story, IMO, should stand on its own;
and I think it's better to take a chance on leaving people confused than
to come in and explicitly explain things.
Thanks, Gary, and I agree with you on this - I guess I'm just too used
to the Author's Notes from Awakening. :)
(2) From Jamie & Bridget Wilde:
One thing you might want to work on in this beginning: the fanfiction
reader knows who Kentaro is, and knows him as a young boy. When I read
this first scene, that was exactly how I pictured him the whole time -
until the jarring statement that he was 40 years old. You need to
counteract the reader's preconceived vision of Kentaro in some way in
this first paragraph, more decisively than his increased politeness and
Kyoko's form of address. It doesn't have to be complex - a mention of
his job, his suit, his wife (unless he's still living with his
parents...?) but I think it would help to establish his age right away.
The surprise of time having passed doesn't seem to me to be worth that
feeling of dislocation.
Originally, I did have Kentaro with a roll of newspaper and a briefcase,
but elected to remove it for the later surprise value; I'll probably
include this bit again in the revised version.
"Oh, Kanrinin-san." He noted her black dress and the paper-
wrapped bundle she carried. "Is it that time, already?" he
asked.
Not to nitpick, but she generally didn't wear black to visit
Souichirou's grave; while this is a clue as to what she's doing, I'm not
sure it fits her character.
Well, since this point has already been discussed, I'll just add that I
was indeed thinking of the manga when I wrote the shortfic (and, of
course, there's only black colouring available in the manga :).
I would really like to see a bit more atmosphere in the last scene. You
have some nice telling description in the opening scene, and in contrast
the last scene seems very spare. Again, there's no need to go
overboard, but in a fic like this, focusing on a single sad event rather
than a plotted story, the mood of the story is paramount. Give us a
hint of the sounds and scents of Kyoko's walk, or more of a visual cue
than simply the gravestone. How does the stone of the marker feel under
her fingertips? Lead us along a bit before dropping the news on us.
A good point. I was trying for that contrast that you noted about the
two scenes, but I'll readily admit that a little more description would
add to the atmosphere in the second scene. I'll address this in the
revision.
I do like the simplicity of Kyoko's words, and I am not suggesting you
overload this story with flowery description, but a few telling details
could add a great deal to the ambience of the fic.
I like the idea for this fic, and what you have is just fine, but I do
think some judicial additions could make it more poignant and enhance
the mood.
I'll do my best! :)
Keep writing!
I will. There's nothing like writing to focus mood and mind. I must
admit that I find it a soothing way to wash away harsh reality. :)
Thanks for the extensive comments, Bridget. I'll try to do them justice.
Bridget
--
"I choose you - PIKASPEW!!!"
Jamie to 2 month old daughter Madeline,
shortly after being spat up upon...
Hmm, 2 months old and addicted to Pokemon. :)
_______________________________________________
Come and see the fanfics and food of
Bridget and Jamie Wilde!
wildeman@psn.net
http://www.psn.net/~wildeman/
(3) From Lawrence:
Actually, in the manga, she has a particular black dress that she wears
to
all the funerals. I don't know what it's like in the anime, though.
Nods. I was indeed thinking of the manga at the time I wrote the fic.
The only real nitpick I had was that there's no mention of
*SPOILERSPOILERTHEIRCHILDSPOILERSPOILER* anywhere within the fic. You'd
figure that she'd be right there too...right?
Hmm, those SPOILERS are pretty effective. :)
Actually, I couldn't come up with anything for her, and so chose not to
include anything at all in a brief burst of spinelessness. :)
This may change in the revision.
(4) From Bridget:
I KNEW there was something else I wanted to say! (my own child drew me
away from the computer for a good hour is the midst of typing, so I lost
my train of thought.) Where is the little (okay, not so little in story
time) rugrat? If alive, she should be with Kyoko - and if not...
Heh. Two month olds can be a bundle. :)
My sister had her first child a while back and I can remember the
hassles she had, particularly late at night. Having not learned the
first time round, she's currently due at any moment for her second. :)
Anyway, as I mentioned above, I'll try to think of something - but then,
it would become spoiler material, and I might lose what few MI readers
there are out there. :)
Again, thanks to everyone on the FFML for their kind wishes and
thoughtful notes. And thanks for the fab comments on Time's Promise.
Phil - will probably feel better when the insurance comes through.