Don Granberry wrote:
Kent,
My comments are enclosed by square [ ] brackets.
BTW: I went to your site in order to pick the story where Chapter 11
begins.
Sooner or later someone in this yarn is going to wake up and scream,
"Who in the world am I wearing now?" Or perhaps it should be, "Where in
the who am I now?"
It can be a bit confising at times. I'll be snipping a lot of your comments
on grammer, spelling etc. I do appreciate them though.
<snip>
Ranma was grinning widely as she walked into the Tendos' yard. It
had been so long since her father had had anything worthwhile to teach
her that she'd almost forgotten what it felt like. Genma's constant
correction to her balance and stance had been irritating, but they'd
also brought back just about every good memory she had of him. The
practice might be useful as well. She could still remember the problems
she'd had trying to fight Mousse under the influence of the full body
cat tongue.
[Whoa! Genma secretly has a thing for Nabiki? I wondered about his
insistance that Ranma train while wearing her body--or is this
foreshadowing yet another plot twist? BTW, where was Ranma coming back
from? The last thing we knew of his location was training with Genma and
that typically entails some sort of ballet around the koi pond.]
Genma's trained Ranma just about every day for the past ten years. It
doesn't make much sense for him to stop now. Plus, this gives him a chance
to do something useful for once. Ranma was doing some roadwork. Aparagraph
got dropped during revision.
"I'm back," Ranma announced as she strolled through the door.
"Where's everyone?"
Nodoka looked over her child's unkempt condition through
disapproving eyes. She couldn't bring herself to say anything about it
though. It was nice to see her so happy. "Ryoga's up in your room,
Nabiki hasn't gotten back yet and Akane left again."
Ranma frowned uneasily. "Nabiki's in Ryoga's body. If she wasn't
with Akane, she could be anywhere by now. I suppose I'd better get
changed out of this gi and go looking for her."
=================
"Shampoo finished." Shampoo triumphantly held up the results of
labor, pushing any doubts she might have had to the back of her mind.
Ukyo and Akane looked up from the table, where Ukyo had been
explaining yesterday's events to Akane. "That's great. Now all we have
to do is test it."
"What you mean?"
"Akane shrugged off the curious gazes of the other girls. "We do
have to find out if it still works. I mean, it doesn't exactly look the
same." Akane's statement was accurate, although possibly slightly
overgenerous. It would have been more to the point to say that the
statue looked like it had been shattered into dozens of fragments and
then glued back together.
"She's right sugar. We do need to know." The young chef moved
nervously away. "It'll have to be the two of you, since I doubt either
of you could learn okonomiyaki style martial arts well enough in three
days to beat Mousse."
Shampoo nodded and extended the hand holding the statue. <Amazon
Secret Technique: Ghostly Spirit Switch.>
"Well that was exciting. At least there were a couple of sparks
when Ranma tried to use it."
"Wonderful. The way things are going, Ryoga's going to be my
brother-in-law."
Ukyo winced almost imperceptibly. "Thanks. With everything else
going on, I'd almost managed to forget about that. Say, I thought you
didn't believe there was anything going on."
"I didn't, but Ranma and Ryoga are always talking and doing things
together." Akane hesitated and then decided to continue. "Plus, I
found some pictures in Nabiki's room."
[I thought there for a minute that we were about to have Akane wearing
Shampoo's body and Shampoo wearing Akane, which would have a huge amount
of comic potential. Ranma getting glomped by Shampoo, but as far as the
poor sod can tell, she's Akane, especially hilarious with Akane
watching.]
"Airen is happy to see Akane, yes?" I think he'd catch on fairly quickly.
It would be funny, especially with him in Nabiki's body.
=================
In his small room, in the Nekohanten's attic, Mousse contemplated
the girls' actions with considerable amusement. Although he couldn't
make out much of their conversation, the little he'd heard it sounded as
if Saotome was in a lot of trouble. He'd expected that any damage
Happosai had caused would've been reversed by now, but apparently it had
been. Mousse made no effort to conceal the broad grin that spread over
his face. With Ranma out of the picture there was no way he could lose.
[I think we are missing the word "not" after in the phrase
"...apparently it had been."]
Suddenly a disturbing thought occurred to him. He'd issued his
challenge expecting that Kuonji was back in her own body. If he was
wrong, his victory would be far more difficult than he'd expected. As
Mousse's mind raced, considering new alternatives, one hand reflexively
patted a hidden pocket on his robe, ensuring that the object it
contained was still safe within.
[A piece of the statue, no doubt.]
No comment. I do need some secrets.
=================
<snip>
"Akane, Nabiki isn't home from school yet." The warm and caring
tone of Kasumi's voice was lost on her listener. She used it all the
time after all.
"She isn't?" Akane quickly realized the reason for Nabiki's
absence. "Sorry, I forgot that she'd need help getting home." In her
defense, Akane thought that she did have a lot in her mind.
"Ranma's going to go down to get her, but he hasn't left yet.
Maybe the two of you could go together," Kasumi suggested.
"I suppose so." Akane shrugged and headed up the stairs.
"Stop that! Let go of me." Akane quickly whirled towards Nabiki's
room, realizing that the voice came from there. The muffled shriek that
followed added speed to her response.
Slamming the door open, Akane saw Ryoga bending over Ranma on the
floor, holding both her arms in one hand. Stepping forward, Akane
neatly punted Ryoga out the window and into the yard.
[Okay, I have finally figured out that Ryoga is currently wearing the
boy-type Ranma. I think I have finally figured it out. It would help the
comic effect if you would let us know which Ranma type Ryoga is in ahead
of this punchline. Can you hit the koi pond from Nabiki's window?]
I guess I hust assumed that boy-type is the default. I'll try to make it
more clear. Unfortunately, Nabiki's room seems to face the wrong way to hit
the koi pond.
"Thanks, Akane. Who knew that Nabiki's body would be so ticklish?"
"Ticklish?"
"Yeah. What did you think was happening? I bet you forgot about
the switch." Ranma chuckled. "I guess it would have looked pretty
bad."
"Yes, that's it!" Akane hastily agreed. "Anyway, Kasumi suggested
that I go with you to get Nabiki. Is that all right?"
"I guess so. You were the one who left her behind. I can finish
talking to Ryoga when we get back."
=================
<snip>
Ranma coughed slightly in amazement at Ryoga's concession and then
developed a smirk. "Things like groping her sister on the floor?"
"Yes," Ryoga agreed. Hey! I wasn't groping you."
"Well watch where you put your hands next time."
"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" Ranma and Ryoga's eyes shot
towards the open doorway and the figure standing in it.
"Of course not, Nabiki," Ranma replied hastily.
"Haven't you ever heard of knocking?"
[Oops. The author missed a good mallet shot here, or some excoriating
riposte from Nabiki wearing Ryoga. "Groping my body?" At the very least
it should have driven up the cost of poker, er, blackmail.]
Mallets aren't really her style, she should say something here though.
"Actually, I was trying to find the washroom," Nabiki muttered. "I
do need to talk to Ryoga though, so I'll just borrow him for a while."
"I guess that's all right," Ryoga said uncertainly, as he rose to
his feet.
<snip>
Meanwhile, Akane was rapidly regaining her composure. Nabiki had
always taken a great deal of concern with her appearance, and there was
no reason that should have changed with her gender. "Did you get your
hair cut?"
"Kasumi did it for me. Along with the manicure." Nabiki held up
his hand, displaying the neatly trimmed finger nails.
"Nabiki, guys usually don't have manicures." Despite everything,
Akane still considered Ryoga her friend, and she didn't want Nabiki
causing trouble for him.
"I know that, but I'm not really a guy. Besides, I want to look my
best for my date tonight." The look of surprise that shot over Akane's
face was almost comical, Nabiki thought.
"Date!" Akane squeaked. "With a boy or a girl?" It was starting
to look like Nabiki wasn't the best choice for advice.
[Might be funnier to simply have Akane ask, "Whith who?", then have
Nabiki respond, "Kiyomi..."]
I'll think about it.
"A girl." Akane's expression really was funny, Nabiki decided.
He'd have to tell her the truth though, or at least something close to
it. There was no need to do it right away though.
"I just thought of something. I have to go now." Akane had
started backing up as she spoke, and when she finished she whirled and
rushed through the kitchen doors.
=================
Inside Ucchan's Okonomiyaki the second planning session was off to
a slow start. "What's bothering Ryoga, Ranchan?" Shampoo hadn't
arrived from the Nekohanten yet, and Ryoga was barely listening to the
others at all.
"He's just worried because Nabiki's going on a date with Kiyomi."
Ranma waved a hand dismissively. "It's not a real problem."
"It's not a problem for you. Do you have any idea how much Nabiki
is spending?"
"Nabiki's spending money on this? I thought she liked guys."
"She's spending my money. She's going to wipe me out in one date."
[Yeah-huh, Bubba! Especially if she treats Kiyomi the way Nabiki likes
to be treated on a date.]
True. It's a bit of a twist on the helpful Nabiki that you see in places.
Ukyo resisted the urge to wince in sympathy. As far as she was
concerned Ryoga deserved a bit of stress. She considered asking why
Ryoga was paying, but Nabiki's skill in manipulation was answer enough.
"That's rough. Do you have any ideas about how I should train?"
"Yeah. We'll start once Shampoo gets here. You'll spar against
her and Ryoga at the same time. They'll try to disarm you and you'll
try to stop them."
"That's it? I was hoping for something a bit more impressive."
"Hmm? Oh sure, reliance on a single weapon is your biggest
weakness. Mousse is sure to try to exploit it." His comment finished;
Ryoga returned to staring at the wall.
"Ryoga' right. Remember what happened when we fought?"
"I suppose so
<snip>
As the two left, a figure dressed in baggy, ill-fitting clothing
and wearing a cap marked with a red star emerged from the Tendos' yard.
Looking around to make sure no one was watching; Akane set out after her
former sister.
[Akane chose Ranma's PLA uniform as a disguise? Where are we whoing
now?]
Being engaged to Ranma is probably a bad influence on her. It's better than
claiming to be Nabiki's fiancee, though.
End C&C: Chapter 11.
Lot's of fun, Kent. Keep it up.
I will. It's really nice to recieve some detailed C+C. For some reason, I
find it easier to right something myself than comment on someone else's
work.
Don Granberry.
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