Hai all,
I'm new to the ML, and fanfic writing. ANyways, I'm deranged and probably
wont post to much cause I'm already on the Final Fantasy Mailing List and
EVA-R ML. I decided to join this and see what you guys thought of my first
attempt at writing a fanfic. It's a humrourous parody of Neon Genesis
Evangelion with a few lime-y elements (implied yaoi + stuff, nothin
graphic) for extra sillyness value. I'd really appreciate any C&C's I could
get on this, all you pro fanfic writers.
Ph yeah, one last thing before the spoiler space cuz the fic takes place in
the middle of the series, about tape 6 or 7 or so:
Biles, Lemonade and Lemon Sherbet are hilarious. You are a god. BTW, I found
a fanfic called Children of An Elder God, written by John Biles. Was that you?
anyways, SPOILER SPACE!
BEGIN FIC!
********************************************************************************
Neon-Genesis Evangelion: Cabbit No Baka!
----------------------------------Credits-----------------------------------
Official Writerpersontypeguy: Andrew Ferguson
Caterer: Instant food makers everywhere.
Music: This is a fanfic, there is no music. You are not worthy of music. :P
Smileys provided by: Smiley =) Corporation :D of ^_^ Canada =:o)>
Excessive -'s and *'s going across the screen provided by: ME! BWAHAHAHAHA!
German done by: Cyberbullets[BOFH] (Andrew Rosychuk)
And Special Thanks to my prereaders: Lady Amy_Chan of #emptychannel
Misato (Raymond Cooper)
KoalaKiller
Jamis Eichenauer
MSoftCEO
Michael Turek
Tulokyn
and everyone on the EVA-R Mailing List
cuz I accidently sent it to them all!
****************************************************************************
*****************WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS AND BAD JOKES****************
****************************************************************************
-----------------------------Author's Ramblings-----------------------------
Umm. This idea sorta sprang up while I was reading Evangelion spoofiness and
humor. It's a self insertion fanfic.. HEY COME BACK HERE! DON'T LEAVE ME!
Well, sort of. I'm not gonna be a God in it. I'm gonna be a sarcastic little
bastard who gets no sex, gets beat up by Asuka often, and eventually dies,
maybe. And somehow I hafta do all that without this becoming a Darkfic.
Gendou had it easy. Anyways, enjoy the fic. Or don't. I just wrote this for
fun and humor, if you think I'm a conceited bastard for putting myself in
here, flame me and say so. It will be returned in kind and for a brief
moment... I won't be bored. I'm warning you guys, this is a SPOOF, it fits
nowhere in the continuity. Well, it's sorta in the middle of the funny part
of the series, the middle. If you want a serious Evangelion fanfic, you're
not gonna find it here, try http://www.eva-r.com or the SDAT
http://evangelion.w3.to or your local hardware store.
Anyways, as long as I'm rambling may as well do some shameless plugs:
http://www.AnimeOtaku.com
Disclaimer: Neon-Genesis Evangelion and its characters and all of it is
copyright by Gainax and/or ADV Films.
Umm. Thats it. ON WITH THE FIC!
---------------------------------------------------------
Episode 1: The Beginning of the Insanity of the Beginning
---------------------------------------------------------
"ANTA BAKA!" Asuka screeched as she punted Shinji across Misato's apartment,
causing Pen-Pen to almost get crushed. He waddled off to his freezer. Shinji
got up off the floor "Stupid Asuka, who'd want to see her naked anyway...
I was just telling her that breakfast is ready." he muttered. Misato nearly
fell off her chair laughing, ALMOST, she didn't want to spill her sacred
beer.
"Oh be quiet" Shinji said to Misato
"Why? wasn't it worth the kick to see your looooover naked?" Misato giggled
"I...err...uhh..." Shinji blushed.
"You better eat or you're gonna be late for school. HEY ASUKA! Hurry up in
there!"
"I'll be out in a minute unless that pervert is going to try for another
look!" Asuka yelled back
"Oh like I'd wanna see you naked!"
"I bet you would, stupid pervert"
"Urgh, this is annoying"
"What is?"
"hm?"
"I said 'What is?'"
"Oh. This style of writing, I can't tell who's saying what."
"Ah."
"Well we could always sic our EVAs on the author..." Asuka grinned evilly
*********************************
The author mega-sweatdropped and resolved to use a better way of writing.
*********************************
"Thats better." muttered Shinji
Asuka came out of the bathroom, dressed in her school uniform, and glared at
Shinji 'Eep'. "Hey Misato, whats in Pen-Pen's fridge anyways?" Shinji asked.
He didn't get an answer due to the fact that Asuka just grabbed his arm and
yanked him out the door "Bye Misato!"
"Bye you two!" Misato yelled after them. "Ahhh!" she sighed. 'I finally got
this place to myself.' The fridge door opens and Pen-Pen waddles out. 'Well,
almost to myself.' she thinks, grabbing another beer. 'I probably should
have told them about the new pilot. Oh well, he doesn't start school until
tomorrow, so I can tell them this evening over dinner'
****************************************************************************
<Meanwhile, running through the streets of Tokyo-3>
"Come on, hurry up Shinji! We're gonna be late!" Asuka yelled bak to Shinji
"I'm... *huff* coming..." Shinji panted "What does it *puff* matter if we're
late anyways? Sensei's always *huff* late."
Asuka screeches to halt. Unfortunately, Shinji was fast on her heels.
*Thwack*
"Argh, Shinji-baka-kun. Get off me..." Asuka muttered.
Shinji and Asuka both realize what position they landed in and blinked at
the same time. "Uhh... err..." Shinji mumbled. As it turns out, Asuka and
Shinji wound up lying on the sidewalk in a clothed 69 position.
"Hey Shinji, don't you think that kinda stuff should be saved for when you
two are at home?" said a voice from above, of course Shinji couldn't see who
it was, having his face buried in Asuka's crotch and all.
"HEY! Uhh.. ITS NOTHING LIKE THAT!" Shinji yelled poking his head up
"Sure it isn't Shinji" Kensuke muttered patronizingly, patting him on the
shoulder
"GET OFF ME YOU STUPID BAKA HENTAI!!!!!" Asuka screamed from down below,
sliding almost totally out from underneath him dextrously, she kneed him
in the groin.
"Ouch, that musta hurt."
"A little!" Shinji squeaked before falling on his side in _extreme_ pain.
"Serves him right." Asuka said out loud, noticing Kensuke staring at her
"What do you want, stooge? Wheres the third stooge anyways?"
"Uhh, he's... visiting his sister in the hospital...."
****************************************************************************
"Ahh, you're so good at that, Kaworu"
"Arigatou Touji-kun" Kaworu said softly, holding Touji's hand, lying in bed
with him.
'How am I gonna explain _this_ to Hikari?' Touji thought.
****************************************************************************
<At Tokyo-3 School>
As Shinji, Asuka, and Kensuke finally tear into the classroom they notice 2
things wrong. First, Sensei is here _on time_. Secondly, the class is well
behaved and in their seats. Something _must_ be up. Looking about a bit more
closely, the Sensei is talking with someone they don't recognize. He looks
a bit like Kensuke, but more.. English, and acne-scarred. He's wearing a
t-shirt that Asuka recognizes immedately from the back. Simple white letters
reading "Rammstein" and below it "Sehnsucht".
"Hallo freund, ich horen du horen do der musik nach Deutchland!" Asuka calls
to the stranger, who prompty turns around, displaying the tortured and white
faces of the band members in their metal gear. He pushes his glasses up the
bridge of his nose and blinks.
"I'm sorry, I don't speak German, although I could learn if it meant getting
closer to someone as hot as you." He said in slightly halting japanese 'hmm.
34C.' He thought.
*SMACK*
"HENTAI BAKA!" Asuka yelled at the newcomer after slapping him so hard he
flew back, knocking over 3 desks, 1 student, landing quite hard in the lap
of Rei Ayanami.
"Ow, god-damnit that hurt" he yells, lapsing into English and causing Rei to
turn her gaze from outside the window to the stranger in her lap.
"Serves you right, sukebe" Asuka muttered at him
"Well hi there miss," looking up at Rei "I'm Andrew, Andrew Ferguson, and
by what name do you go by? or shall I just call you sex goddess?"
"Please remove yourself from my lap" said Rei softly
"Only if you insist" winking mischeivously he hops into the desk beside her,
or at least tries to, and winds up falling on his ass.
"MISTER FERGUSON!" Sensei yells "That is _QUITE_ enough. Now I know you are
new here, but that is _NO_ excuse to be disrupting class like this!"
"Sorry, old man, but it's not my fault... Looks like red here can't take a
compliment." he replied, nodding in Asuka's direction.
"THAT IS IT! I am calling your guardian right this instant!" Sensei yelled,
complimented by the fact that he has a vein the size of Kyoto about to burst
on his forehead.
'Great. I've been here 10 minutes and already I'm dead meat'
"In the meantime," he continued, gesturing towards a desk near the back,
"You may take the empty seat there."
"Thanks bunches, Sensei" he mutters, going over and sitting down between a
busily typing freckled kid with glasses and a cute, petite brunette with
pigtails. Leaning over to look at the freckled kids screen "Resident Evil
154, Directors Cut? Cool, I could never get past the chainsaw weilding Mecha
Ryoko army."
"Huh? Oh its not that hard, you just need to clone the Tenchi doll you find
in the Tokyo-1 ruins to distract them. I'm Kensuke, and you're?"
"Andrew Ferguson, I'm a new student here. Are all the girls here as touchy
and opposite as Red and Blue?" gesturing to Asuka and Rei, who are now both
seated, waiting for the Sensei to return.
"You mean Asuka and Rei? Nah, Asuka's just having that time of the month and
Rei... Rei's always very quiet, soft-spoken and passive. I don't know about
her, she creeps me out."
"Heh, sounds like a Dominance/Submission relationship to me, if they were in
one!" he said, a bit too loudly
"Yeah... uh.. EEP!" Kensuke yelled and quickly turned away from Andrew
"What?? What is it?" he asked turning around to face the object of Kensuke's
abject fear.
*SOCK*
Correction, JUSTIFIED abject fear.
*********************************
So I bought surplus Batman sounds on sale. So what? They're good quality!
*********************************
*ZOK*
*HASSELHOFF*
*********************************
"I stand corrected." The author said, hurrying to get new sound effects.
*********************************
"THATS DISGUSTING! I AM NOT IN ANY KIND OF ECCHI RELATIONSHIP WITH _WONDER
GIRL_! THATS JUST SICK!" Asuka hissed after decking both Kensuke, Andrew and
inadvertently backhanding a curious Shinji Ikari.
This resulted in two immediate problems, Kensuke and Andrew didn't hear
Asuka, being unconcious. And Shinji having fallen face up, got a nice view
of whats up Asuka's dress for the second time today. Realizing what Shinji
was staring up at causing him to nosebleed, she stomped on his face and
stalked back to her seat on the other side of the cute brunette.
Upon returning to the room, not only did Sensei find that the previous
disaster wasn't quite over, a new one had been created with 3 students
passed out on top of each other, 2 from blows to the head and one from a
severe nosebleed.
'I need a vacation' thought Sensei.
Sighing the Sensei tried to make some sense of the situation, failing,
declared "THATS THE LAST STRAW! I need a break, Class Representatve Horaki,
tell the Principal I'm on vacation, someone else can deal with this!"
leaving the room muttering about the 3rd Impact taking place in his
classroom.
'He _always_ makes me clean up the big messes' thought Hikari as she left in
search of the principal.
Four cell phones rang simultaneously, waking up 2 of the 3 unconcious
students.
"Hello?"
"urgh... hello?"
"Yes?"
"uhhhhh..."
30 seconds later, Asuka, Shinji, Rei, and... Andrew ran out the door and out
of the school.
"Hey, why're you coming with us, hentai?"
****************************************************************************
<High above the earth>
'IT'S RAINING MEN!' sang Sahaquiel, orbiting far above Japan.
****************************************************************************
<In the School parkinig lot>
As the Sensei stormed out of the school heading for his car, he ran into a
tiny problem; His car was totally obliterated, leaving a smoking crater in
its place.
'This is just not my day' thought Sensei as he looked up at the sky just in
time to see a large man made of orange goo hit him, and detonate.
****************************************************************************
<Once again, high above the earth>
'1 down, only a few million teachers left to go. Forget NERV!'
****************************************************************************
<A holographic chamber, location unknown>
Kihl: Well, gentlemen, Sahaquiel has arrived. Now does anyone have any
suggestions on helpnig him get back on track to destroying NERV!
Seele 1: We could always gather the teachers of the world at NERV HQ.
Seele 4: Where did he get this fetish for killing teachers anyways?
Kihl: It was er.. probably... an error!
'or a wrong command issued by me' he thought to himself while sweatdropping.
Seele 5: Why is it so important that you destroy NERV, sir?
Kihl: I have my reasons, and you have your orders.
All the Seele comittee fades away leaving Kihl behind.
"Because... It's the only way to keep that Gendou from demanding 'favors'
from me again," Kihl said to himself.
****************************************************************************
<Central Dogma>
"Ah my sweet Kihl, why must you try to destroy me, you cannot hide your true
feelings for me." Gendou muttered softly
"Did you say something, Commander?" Fuyutski asked
"No, just thinking aloud"
"What do you plan to do about this angel sir?"
"I have other matters on my mind, you and Major Katsuragi can come up with a
plan, now leave me be, Fuyutski."
"Yes, Commander!" Fuyutski saluted and left Gendou's massive office.
"Finally, I'm alone" Gendou says, turning to a console and bringing up a
rather interesting video of himself and Kihl... deep in discussion.
****************************************************************************
<The pilots changing room>
"And no peeking around the screen you perverts!" Asuka yelled at the 2 guys
on the opposite side of the screen. Shinji rolls his eyes and gets into his
plugsuit, pushing the button on his wrist to make the suit skintight. Andrew
frantically digs through the lockers looking for his plugsuit.
"uhhhhm, Ikari-san?"
"Please, call me Shinji"
"Isn't that polite of you Shinji!" Asuka calls from around the curtain
"You wouldn't happen to know where a plugsuit for me would be, would you?"
Behind the curtain Rei smiles lightly and stuffs a jet black plugsuit into
her schoolbag and shuts it.
"I'm sorry, but I don't know, it should've been in the locker next to mine,"
Shinji gestures to the empty locker.
"Well, I better check with Major Katsuragi then" Andrew says, peeking around
the curtain "I won't be gone too long, Asuka-chan, hope you won't miss me!"
he says mockingly, sticks his tongue out and runs before she can beat him to
a bloody pulp.
"ARGH! Why am I surrounded by pervert guys? None of theme are even real men,
like Kaji. Now theres a real man!" Asuka says drifting off into a dreamy
expression.
****************************************************************************
<Plastic Surgery Section of the Tokyo-3 Hospital>
"So Mr. Ryouji, you're quite happy with the.. err.. sex change you underwent
10 years ago, you're experiencing no problems?"
"Nope, doc, I'm fine, and I rather enjoy being a guy, so I don't think I'll
ever be needing that free certificate for becoming a girl again."
"Thats good, well, your routine checkup is done."
"Thanks doc, I must be on my way to do enigmatic spy things and hang out in
front of large ventilation fans waiting for people!"
****************************************************************************
To be continued in Episode 2: Another Untitled Episode.....
I AM NOT SINGING FLY ME TO THE MOON! I REFUSE!
Well thats episode 1 so far. It's kinda short, kinda OOC, and heres no angel
battle. But hey, its not EVA, its a fanfic, it's expected to be a bit
different. Ah well.
Questions, Comments, and Praise is welcome at ferguson@isn.net
Please no flames.
----------------------------
The Mighty Kawaii_Cabbit[BOFH] AKA Jesus Christ, Sex Messiah, AKA Kari-Ohki,
AKA CabbitServ, AKA Sexdeath, AKA too many names guy.
--Official Cabbit of IBOTTS
--Lord High Ruler of Cabbit's Crew
--Nymphomaniac Extrodinare/Official Cabbit of the Cheese in Pants Cult
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
"The hand is quicker than the eye. Nobody's looking, how about a handjob?"
--Anonymous
"A nymphomaniac is simply someone who has more sex then you do" --Kinsey