Hi,
I'm Damien, self-appointed inquisitor for Tenchi Muyo Fics.
I'll be your tormentor today. =)
----- Original Message -----
From: "Troy Thomas" <silentnova@go.com>
To: <Brian_Drozd@msn.com>; <damien_searight@msn.com>; <nonnwein@msn.com>;
<Sam_74@msn.com>
Sent: Thursday, November 25, 1999 3:45 PM
Subject: [FFML] (no subject)
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Cc: silentnova@go.com
Date: Thr, 25 Nov 1999 12:49:45 -0800 (PST)
Subject: [fanfic]
This is my first post to the ffml, so hello. I am looking for ways to
improve this story, so if you see anything, help me please?. I'm very
timid and scared (I shame my father, he calls me an ungrateful son), so
don't yell okay?
Hmm... I say the same thing about my father. (That he shames me).
Eternal Blue
A fusion fanfic by Troy J. Thomas
Fusions are EVIL!
The characters in this story, with exceptions, are creations of others.
No
attempt has ever been and no attempt will ever be made to gain external
profits
from these characters. Any growth by the author will be limited to
improved
writing skill and expanded ego (Yeah right!). I wanted to say something
else here, but I just can't remember...
What is this a fusion of any way? Me stupid.
Prologue (First Draft: 1999-11-23)
Every morning Katsuhito Masaki looked out of his bedroom window to see
Atlantis
Lake. His home, also home to his son-in-law, Nobuyuki, and his grandson,
Tenchi,
had possibly the grandest view of the sparkling lake of all their
neighbours. It
was a gift he never took for granted.
Someone is willing to live close enough to the Masaki's that they can be
called neighbors?
Brave folk.
This morning seemed no different than any other that had ever come
before in his
long life. Yet a feeling fluttered in his stomach was one that he
couldn't
simply ignore. It was the feeling of change.
Yet the feeling that fluttered...
His entire life had been shaped by change. He tried to never let it get
him
down, but sometimes he felt as though everything he had worked was for
nothing.
He tried his best, yet he couldn't bring himself to accept the fact he
was the
one who brought his entire family to crises that was close in the
future.
...everything he had worked towards was for nothing.
...he was the one who was bring the family to the brink of crises.
"Whoever said that life was a symphony of sorrow was correct!" he
chuckled. Then
slowly and mechanically he opened his window and let fresh air flood
into his
room. Slowly the smile turned downward and he hung his head and moaned,
"My
whole life has been one big, long lie, sometimes I wish I could go back
and undo
everything I've ever done!"
If this was a straight TM OAV story, I would have questions for you on the
"Life is a lie" line. I don't think I've read a story where Katsuhito
looks at his life that way. Its interesting... Very.
Then light forced his eyes to blink. Looking up, Katsuhito saw it was
the light
of the sun reflecting off of the lake. He leaned forward taking in the
silent
brilliance with inspiration.
As quickly as the sight had appeared, it disappeared, Katsuhito tipped
his eyes
skyward and once again smiled. "Perhaps you're right Achika, maybe there
is
nothing to moan about. After all, I can't change the past!"
Placing his hands on the window railing, Katsuhito launched himself out
of the
window. When he landed on the ground, he hit it laughing. "I'd like to
see
another man my age try that!" He did a few quick flexes to prove he was
the king
of the block.
Your Katsuhito is a bit more an exhibtionist I see...
Which brings up a question. What Tenchi universe are you using? It isn't
<Gasp> Shin?
Fortunately for a neighbour who was only a few metres away from where
Katsuhito
landed, it was a challenge that seemed too preposterous to take up.
Wedge, the
man's name, called to the old priest, "So Katsuhito, you're still as
reckless as
ever! I don't know any other old fart who would try such a dangerous
stunt like
jumping out of a second story window unless they were either crazy or
stupid."
...neighbor(bour), who...
...fart, who...
The tone of Wedge's voice implied that perhaps Katsuhito was guilty of
both
titles. "Good morning to you too Wedge!" Katsuhito turned around to look
at the
burly man who had appeared behind him, or in other's point of view, the
man
Katsuhito had appeared in front of. "I saw my darling girl for one quick
second
and she, like always, reminded me of the important things in life!"
...too, Wedge.
...man, who...
Wedge nodded in agreement. Then a stern looked crossed his face. "So
Katsuhito,
I wanted to tell you that I caught your two grandsons, Ranma and Tenchi
trying
to sneak into the Magic Forest again!" He smashed one of his hands into
the
other. "How many times do I have to tell them to stay out of there? And
then
that Ranma had the nerve to mouth off to me!" He chuckled with a hint of
satisfaction. Obviously he had taught the son of his greatest enemy a
lesson in
manners never to be forgotten.
...agreement, then...
Katsuhito looked a tad annoyed, but the look quickly passed from his
face. He
understood all too well Wedge's frustration. "Don't let them get to you
Wedge,
they're simply over-anxious to begin training again!" Both men burst out
loud
laughing. Every person on the block knew what torture Katsuhito put the
two boys
through when they strayed out of line. Unfortunately for both Ranma and
Tenchi,
everybody felt they deserved such punishment, or training, as Katsuhito
preferred to call it.
...you, Wedge...
The neighbourhood of Loki Villa was often accused of being the strangest
neighbourhood in all of Atlantis City. The people living there usually
denied
such claims saying that perhaps Senklip Heights was even stranger, since
reports
of monster attacks filtered out of there every once in a while. Yet for
all
their words, Loki Villagers never actually did anything to show such
rumours
were false.
...calims, saying
"It was nice talking to you Wedge, but I'm afraid I'm running a little
late this
morning. I have to make sure those rascals aren't trying to break into
the
shrine again!" Katsuhito began to laugh again and walk away towards the
hill
where the shrine was located, which appropriately enough was named
Shrine Hill.
Wedge's eyes widened in alarm. "Break into the shrine! But what about
the
monster that's sealed inside?" He quickly caught up to Katsuhito and
looked at
the old man in shock. "What about our safety?"
Katsuhito stopped and gave Wedge a mischievous grin. "There's no need to
worry
old friend, when the guardian sealed the monster up, he did so with the
hope
that the monster would disappear one day and be reborn with a second
chance at
life! Look at Ranma and Tenchi, they're monsters, yet they get chance
after
chance after chance!" Katsuhito didn't bother to add that those two also
received a bump on their heads almost constantly.
Ah, so they're the OAV characters? There is a difference.
Something caught Katsuhito's eye interrupting his speech. "I'm sure even
you'll
give them a second chance after you're through killing them!" The old
man
doubled over in laughter, somehow through first-hand experience of
himself, the
boys had learned how to pull the occasional prank without being caught
in the
act.
That last sentence reads akward to me, but I'm not sure how I would change
it.
"What do you mean by that?" Wedge asked. Slowly he traced Katsuhito's
gaze
towards his home. "Oh...my...god..." He took a few steps forward in
shock. "My
house...why is toilet paper all over it...?"
Has Ranma led Tenchi down the path of delinquency? Or is it the other way
round.
"My those two certainly have a lot of energy!" Katsuhito commented. He
then left
Wedge to fret over the mess his home had come to and began to whistle a
happy
tune someone had taught him long ago. The song escaped his mind every so
often
and a few lyrics popped out of his mouth, "�It'll never disappear�"
My[...]...
Every so often, you have strange characters pop up, such as between " and
It'll
A warm gentle came off Shrine Hill chasing away the cold air that had
come off
the lake the night before. The breeze was so nice that it seemed to
increase the
joy that was in Katsuhito's melody a few folds.
A warm gentle wind...
Shrine Hill, coupled with the view of Atlantis Lake, had managed to
drive the
prices of the homes that sat in its shadow skyward. Only those who
already lived
there could afford the luxury of the view. If one were to take a good
look at
the hill, they'd see that as it climbed towards the heavens, the Magic
Forest,
which was on its slopes, grew denser and bluer.
At the top of the hill stood the Masaki Shrine, which had often played
an
integral part in the history of the. Stories told of how wars had been
won on
its grounds and how many people had sought refuge there in the darker
pages of
Orpheus' history.
Stray period.
Local legend states that the people living near the Masaki Shrine had to
donate
money to keep the monster sealed underneath to keep it in check.
Unfortunately
for the local residents who were believers, Tenchi and Ranma, who
ironically
enough were priests in training, weren't as religious as they were, so
the two
boys had time and time again tried to break into the Shrine's sealed
room all in
the name of adventure.
The first sentence is redundant at the end.
Drop ...as they were,
It wasn't that their energy was unappreciated, it just was that
Katsuhito knew
what was in the sealed room and feared for the boys' safety every time
they had
tried to enter it.
Yet in a small way he felt that perhaps he was still viewing them as
children
instead as the young men they were. "Maybe I'll give them a challenge,
if they
pass it they can explore the inside of the Shrine!"
...if they pass it[...] they can explore the inside of the Shrine!
He smiled, he knew the perfect challenge for the two, the forest that
was
beginning to surround him had in local lore, been the centrepiece of
legends for
hundreds of years. He in fact knew all of the legends and he knew that a
few
were true.
...for the two. The forest...
Soon the path began to climb upwards, which was a sign that the Shrine
was near.
From there he could see the entire forest in relative safety, since
priests from
the Shrine had over the centuries cast warding spells to protect it from
evil
monsters. And the Forest Hedge kept out the rest of the monsters that
the magic
couldn't.
Is there a reason Forest Hedge is capitalized?
Soon his mind drifted back to the monster Wedge was afraid of, the one
sealed
beneath the Shrine. Katsuhito, in a sense, knew the legends to be true,
the ones
about how a hero had sealed it in a tomb never to be opened again.
Yet the shrine records were quite different from the legends. Although
they
contained information that someone unacquainted with history might
easily mix
together with fantasy to create a story to be told by a fireside during
a stormy
night, they were mostly factual.
Hmm...
The man who had written the records described in detail how the hero had
defeated the monster. �He was weeping as he lowered the tomb into the
ground. He
cried to the heavens about how sorry he was and how he wished that
everything
could have gone different.� These writings, Katsuhito remembered from
the
lessons he was taught and had been teaching Tenchi and Ranma, had been
passed
down from one generation of Masaki Shrine priests to the next.
I see... The TM characters aren't from a specific TM continuity. That's
cool.
The Masaki Shrine, which stood before Katsuhito in wonderful beauty, had
been a
major landmark in the city of Atlantis for thousands of years. Every
year it
received thousands of tourists and patrons either for its sights or its
services.
<snip>
Change, such a funny word, for as dishonourable as his father was, Ranma
had
made up for in honour. In fact, Ranma often stood up against his father
in his
principles of defending the weak and protecting their interests, no
matter the
cost to his reputation.
...made up for it.
...stood up to his father on his...
People often thought of Ranma as an exact duplicate of his father until
he had
saved a young girl from a weak forest monster and demanded nothing in
return.
Then people realised they had misjudged the boy and took him into their
hearts.
But as honourable as Ranma was, he had a streak of mischief in him and
often
ended up in compromising situations with girls in his age group.
What kind of mischief are we talkin' 'bout here!
Although Katsuhito stressed Ranma�s innocence, people�s opinion of him
seemed to
be that he is an okay kid with a perverted side that could be eliminated
only if
he had a girlfriend. Katsuhito belted out a laugh at the thought,
Ranma's
parents had quite a surprise in store for him that would soften people's
opinions of his perverted side. Katsuhito really wanted to see the look
on the
poor boys face in two days time when they would finally make good on a
promise
made sixteen years ago.
Ah! Intrigue. Intrigue is good.
Ranma Saotome was a fireball, the most stubborn of any person Katsuhito
had ever
seen. No matter the circumstance, Ranma refused to back down from a
challenge,
even if the task seemed impossible. Katsuhito truly enjoyed setting the
bar
higher every time the boys found themselves in hot water if only to see
Ranma
heading head first into solving the tasks puzzle.
His personality though is what Katsuhito enjoyed the most about him.
Ranma�s
unquenchable thirst for life is what seems to allow people to forgive
him time
after time after one of his mishaps occurs.
to forgive him following each and every one of his misadventures.
Ranma�s cousin, Tenchi Masaki was as equally forgivable. Together they
were
collectively called the Adventurers of Atlantis. Yet as equally
mischievous and
adventurous as they were together, they were different too.
Where Ranma had an unlimited amount of energy, Tenchi had gentle
calmness that
surprised most adults. Where Ranma was as cool as ice in martial arts
training
and competition, Tenchi had a style based on drawing from his desire to
succeed.
In Katsuhito�s wizened opinion, they were as much alike as they were
different.
Tenchi had filled with both joy and pain. When Achika had passed away,
Katsuhito
thought himself to have lost the entire world, but when he saw the pain
in
Tenchi�s eyes he knew pain to be second only to that of Tenchi.
Tenchi had been filled with both joy and pain. When Achika had passed
away, Katsuhito thought that he, himself, had lost the very world, but
when he saw the pain in Tenchi's eyes... he knew. He knew his pain to be
second to that of his grandson.
I REALLY, REALLy like what you're saying here. Very well done.
Over the fourteen years of his grandson�s life, Katsuhito had watched
with an
awareness of the tenderness in Tenchi�s heart and made sure that no pain
could
ever match the days of Achika�s passing away.
When Tenchi befriended Ranma when they began to attend school together,
Katsuhito knew his duty was completed, Tenchi could grow and become the
man who
Katsuhito wished he could�ve been.
Once Tenchi befriended Ranma...
...was complete. Tenchi would...
...Katsuhito wished himself to be.
Katsuhito had changed over his long life, he was sure of that much.
Where he
once had dreams in his youth, he now only had wishes in his prime. Where
he had
desires in the time of plenty, he now only had what he needed.
There was a feeling of change in the air and where Katsuhito once
would�ve tried
to reach it and to direct it, he now knew his time was drawing to a
close. Time
was calling for the energy of youth and at its forefront Ranma and
Tenchi stand,
they, who through blood are related and through soul are brothers, are
the ones
to lead time to a new world.
Ranma and Tenchi stood.
If you wish to keep this paragraph in the present tense, I sugguest
changing it into a inner monologue from Katsuhito and putting it in
singular quotes.
Katsuhito stood in the middle of the shrine grounds. �Perhaps I�m little
too
deep in thought, I should really be looking for a task for those two to
accomplish before they get here instead of wandering aimlessly around!�
Shaking
his head and laughing, Katsuhito began walking back down to his home to
eat
completely forgetting what he was going to do.
I'm a little too deep in thought. I should...
...here, instead...
...eat, completely...
Ok, I'll wait for the rest before passing final judgement. It was wordy in
places, but all in all not a bad read. I know my first post was a lot
worse.
SKOAL!
Damien
ICQ# 24113246
"It was an ACCIDENT! I went into the onsen to take a bath and I saw
someone was already there! I thought it was Sasami because they were
reading a manga, but when I got closer... I saw it was one of *those*
manga and it was Tenchi who was reading it. I was going to run out, but I
slipped.... It was a one in a zillion shot! Honest! I didn't aim for it on
purpose!"
Mihoshi before being put to death by Aeka and Ryoko.