Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
Please sign the guest book. ^_^
What, again? :-)
"Great grandmother," Shan P'u sounded
distressed. "can't we wait a little longer? Just until
tomorrow?"
Still got those ol' punctuation problems. Always ask yourself whether
the action (in this case, "sounded") is being done to the line of
dialog. Did she sound the words "Great grandmother?" No, she just
sounded. Therefore the non-dialog should be a separate sentence from the
dialog:
"Great grandmother." Shan P'u sounded distressed. "Can't we wait a
little longer? Just until tomorrow?"
If you want it to be in the same sentence, you have to put in a "said"
or other verb that takes the line of dialog as its object:
"Great grandmother," Shan P'u said, sounding distressed, "can't we
wait a little longer? Just until tomorrow?"
See the difference? Look for this elsewhere.
"No. It is past time. She should have been
back two days ago. It is not fair ---- or safe ---- to
wait any longer." Slipping a slender envelope into her
pocket K'e Lwun moved toward the door. "Come
along Shan P'u."
along, Shan P'u."
When a speaker addresses the person spoken to, always set the name off
by a comma. Look for this elsewhere.
"Is this wise?" Mu Tsu moved to block their
exit, remembering his glasses for once. "The
Tendou's are not going to take this news well. And
Tendous. (Tendou's indicates something belonging to the Tendous.)
"Mu Tsu," K'e Lwun favored the blind boy
with a wintery smile. "never say that you are worried
about me?"
She's saying this as a question?
"WHAT!" Genma roared, rumbling forward
I don't think "rumbling" is the word you want here. "Rambling," maybe?
"I bet it ain't," Ranma crumpled the letter
angrily and threw it on the ground. "I just bet it
ain't." He stalked around the table and stared down
at the ancient Amazon. "Ya got about three seconds
to tell me where Akane is," he cracked his knuckles.
"or I'm gonna beat the spit outta you."
"Spit?" Aw, c'mon.... :/
"Arranged a marriage," Ranma glared at his
father and Soun. "Geez, you think you'd 've learned
>from that mistake . . ." Ranma flinched as he felt
many pairs of eyes upon him. "Uhhhh, what I mean is
ya should a known it would never . . ." He swallowed
hard. "I think I'll see if Kasumi needs any help."
Heh.
Kasumi, followed by Ranma returned with
Ranma, returned with a
tray of snacks and a pot of tea. As gracefully as any
martial arts kata she placed cup and plate before each
kata, she
guest.
"I loved your mother," Soun explained. "but I
always felt . . .inadequate. Everything was hers, the
doujou, the school, even the Tendou name." He
bowed his head in shame. "It was only worse after
you were born. Not that I didn't love you," he added
hastily. "You were each a small miracle from god."
Suggest 'from the gods."' (Somehow, I don't think Soun is a Christian.)
"I wanted to prove myself. To your mother,
to her grandfather."I was a good martial artist."Soun
Extra " after 'grandfather'
Taking a deep breath Soun began to tell of
that day, over a decade past.
******************************************
" . . . your mother chased him out of the
house. He was completely humiliated and swore
vengeance on the Tendou family."
Um. You might want to rework this a bit. The paragraph before the *s
seems to indicate that we're heading into a flashback.
It seems to me that Akane is being far too patient with Ranma. He's
basically telling her that she's not good enough to beat this guy. Why
doesn't she spar with him and demonstrate some of her new training?
The gathering darkness was only a minor
inconvenience to her Amazon trained senses.
Amazon-trained
Fascinated Shan P'u watched from hiding outside the
Fascinated, Shan
(This kind of construction should have a comma. Look for this sort of
thing elsewhere.)
She'd never seen Oda but she knew what he
looked like from listening to her great grandmother
send her 'friends' to keep watch on him. More
importantly she knew where he would be, thanks to
her eavesdropping. Fortunately _she_ had never
made any promises to Akane to not interfere.
Besides, it was traditional to give a welcoming gift
when new members were adopted into the tribe. Shan
P'u pulled a massive Kukri from it's hidden sheath,
its
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html