Next Time You Fall In Love
Disclaimer: none of the characters in this fic
belong
to me but the writer of Sailor Moon. I'm not
planning
to make any money out of this etc.
##You _might_ mention the creators name {Takeuchi
Naoko}, just as a courtesy. I feel rather strongly
about that. Fanfiction writers are using another
persons creativity so they should at least be
mentioned by name in the disclaimer.
A slight on my part :) I meant to add it in
(originally it was never there) but it was one of the
many slips I made while editing the story *bangs head
against desk*
"Next Time You Fall in Love" Is written by Andrew
Lloyd Webber and is from Starlight Express. If you
forget that the song sometimes has things to do with
the train it makes for a pretty cool song fic!
##See, here you mentioned A. L. Webber. ^_^
one off type story so there is not much background
information. I don't think I'm making much sense -
sorry :) Hopefully if you read the story you will
understand what I am trying to get across!
##IMO an author should _NEVER_ explain her/his story
NOR should he/she APOLOGIZE for the story. If you
have
to explain it, re-write it. If you have to apologize
for it - - -
re-write it or don't publish it. Among other things
the author has just prejudiced the reader. :(
ok :)
Let the story speak for itself.
Oh dear ...
A kareoke bar. Great. Jadeite sighed as he lowered
himself down into a seat. Whose idea had this been
anyway? He winced as an off-key note was struck once
again by the person bellowing on stage - whatever he
was doing, it sure wasn't singing. Why had he agreed
to come along anyway? It meant bad music, loud
crowds
and ...
##^_^ Well, I'm inclined to think you are brilliant
at
this point since I used kareoke in Sukeban chp. 6.
^_~
Nice, nice opening. Sets the mood, setting and a
little of the characterization in only 59 words.
Good
job.
*grin* Thank you. I haven't read your story *cringes*
and I can assure you I had no idea you used the
kareoke idea as well.
Maybe great minds just think a like? *preens*
*glances around at stares from Mailing list*
Well, one great mind anyway ^^
"Kunzite! There you are!" Zoisite squealed as he
dumped himself into the older General's lap, right
next to Jadeite.
##Errrrr, Squealed??? I'll accept Zoi as the "fem"
but
"squealed" was a shocker. Leave it if you must. IMO
it
would be better to tone it down just a tad.
I'll seriously think about it. I tend to see Zoi as
being over the top, but if it seems wrong I'll have a
look at it :)
"It's been 5 minutes - all you did was go to the
bathroom," Zoisite pouted.
##I'm a little confused. Kunzite was sitting and Zoi
came to him. But NOW it appears, from Zoi's comments
that Kunzite was the one who left. ???
Another one of my problems, making it difficult to
tell who said what. Zoi was the one to leave and
rereading this I can see how anyone (but the stupid
author anyway!) would think that Zoi said this.
It's something I'm trying to work hard on :)
the story. OTHO you stated this was a one-off story.
Still it's always better to take the time to set the
stage and explain things. Of course many times this
means turning a short story into a novel. ^)^ OR
some
VERY creative writing.
*sigh* Don't I know it. I don't even want to THINK
about how many 'short' stories I've ended up starting
only for them to become multi-chapters.
*Oh don't lie to yourself,* Jadeite thought wryly.
*You don't like it because your jealous* He sighed
again. He knew the pair weren't deliberately trying
to
bring up old and painful memories,
##you're
Nephrite sat down beside him with a smile of
greeting.
The smile wavered slightly from the cold glare he
received in return and the auburn haired General
quickly looked away, causing Jadeite to miss the
flash
of pain that crossed his face.
##This section was a little clunky. Not bad, just
not
as smoothly written as earlier passages. IMO the
sentence introducing Nephrite is confusing due to
formatting.
I'd set Nephrite's name off by
**Nephrite**
OR
. . .drinks on the table.
Nephrite.
Jadeite fought a wave . . .
Or something. ^_^
Break that last very long sentence into smaller
bits.
Yep - good idea :)
*Hell - is he ever going to forgive me?* Nephrite
thought dejectedly, ignoring the look of sympathy
from
Zoisite. It had been two months. Two months since
they
had been released from Beryl's spell and left to
leada vaguely normal life.
##OK, now we have the explanation. ^_^
A lot of things are dictated by the pace of the story
and what feels right to the author. IMO if would be
better to move _this_ bit of explanatory text to the
very start of the story. This might mitigate some of
the very jarring character changes. ^_^
Good point :) Of the couple of people who have
commented one picked this point up while the other
didn't seem to mind it, but I have no problem with
trying to re-write it!
Two months since they had all
regained their memories of the Silver Millennium.
Two
months since he had remembered that Jadeite and he
had
been lovers, in every sense of the word. Two months
since Jadeite had discovered that Nephrite had died
saving the person he loved - and it hadn't been him.
##Cute.
Thank You :)
##Ummm, If I understand you correctly you are
postulating that during that part of the anime
Nephrite was entirely free of Beryl's influence AND
had all of his previous memories when he declared his
love for Naru. IF this is the case he has a LOT of
explaining to do. OTOH Nephrite WAS under a lot of
stress. And where was Jadetie? Eternal Sleep, that's
where. He'd fallen into the darkness from which no
one
ever returns. What was Nephrite supposed to do?
Justwait around forever?
Don't give me several ideas at once on how to
completely change ths story! Now I want to re-write
from here on in several different ways, as well as
keeping one that's fairly close to the original.
What I was trying to get across was that emotions were
surpressed, they never regained memories while they
were under Beryl because the hold over them never
relaxed that much. The Jadeite in the show basically
has very few emotions, where as Nephrite develops as
the show goes, as do Zoi and Kunz. The hold on them
was strong enough to keep them from remembering, but
not from feeling.
I might have to re-write that bit :)
Augh! But now I have so many unwanted fic ideas
floating around in my head!
"Molly??? First this Naru girl. And now MOLLY? A
_gaijin_??? Nephrite, how c . . .could you! I've
given
you the worst years of my life. Slaved over a boiling
cauldron, drained humans of energy for you. And THIS
is how you repay me?" Driving a sword through
Nephrite's hearts Jadeite ran away, sobbing.^_^
I have a very cute gag doujinshi in which Jadeite is
doing exactly that - stabbing Nephrite from behind
through the heart with a sword while crying. Although
I think it has something to do with Beryl rather than
Molly :) It's a cute pic though!
*sweat drop*
Why are you looking at me like that?
After all, he had only beenglancing at the other
man >because he hadn't answered
Zoisite's question, right? A small voice at the back
of his mind ever-so-kindly reminded him that he had
been staring at the other man *before* Zoisite had
asked him if he'd wanted a refill or not.
##??? When was this? I've read over the preceding
passages several times and this is not apparent to
me.
Found where Nephrite place four drinks on a table.
Did
not find anyone actually asking if Jadeite wanted
are fill.
It was suppose to come across as something that
happened in which Jadeite was barely paying enough
attention to as he was watching Nef. Kinda like it
registered in the back of his mind but he really
wasn't paying attention - I am utterly hopeless at
explaining things :)
but I can throw a line in there to fix that up :)
onto the dance floor, leaving Jadeite alone with
Nephrite.
Somehow Jadeite didn't think that Kunzite had
decided
on an off-chance to dance right then.
*Bastard*
##Ummm, who it thinking this? and who is the
bastard?
I thought it was easy enough to tell that it was
following Jadeite's line of thought and that since he
was thinking about Kunzite that the reader would be
able to tell tha he was the 'bastard'.
"Want to dance?" He asked simply instead.
##very convoluted IMO.He asked instead
ORHe asked simply
ORWas all he saidOR
"Want to dance?"
##By itself, let the rest beunderstood from context.
I personally had problems with that part as well :)
Thanks for the suggestions!
He probably would have chuckled at the look of
disbelief that was
on his friends faces - they had seen the girl's
untimely entrance as well, if he had been
payingattention.
##Now THAT was convoluted. Another one of those
grey-area things. I personally don't like it. BUT IMO
it's very much authors choice and not a story killer.
THAT was something I had planned to change when I was
editing, but was one of the many things I have seemed
to have missed - I think it's because you get to know
a story so well that you can miss bits when reading
over it. I never liked that wording :)
"Naru's and I need to talk about a couple of things
-
we'll be back in a few of minutes ok?" he questioned
with a smile. He then became serious as he turned
toJadeite.
##<ouch> This dialogue is not up to
previousstandards.
Try again.
Righto!
##Ummm. Naru has been going with Umino so, IMO, it
would be better to use that rather than introduce
another anomaly. Also recall that Naru risked her
life
to save Nephrite. IMO it's better to avoid
complications and use Umino to dissolve
theNaru/Nephrite bond.
I know this sounds silly, but I actually forgot about
Umino - although I'm not sure that is entirely a bad
thing :) While I can see your point, the problem is
that it might take away from the story if it seems
Nephrite gets Jadeite by default. But I WILL think
about it, I can always place the story between the
Generals death and the Naru/Umino pairing if it comes
to that *grin*
1)Put the dialogue explaining that they have been
released from the thrall of the DK at the beginning.
Planning on trying to do that *sweat drop* Somehow!
2)Smooth some of the rough spots. Especially make
clear who is speaking to/about whom.
Yep - that's one of my main writing flaws that I'm
trying to work out at the moment :)
3)I really don't like the Naru/Nephrite breakup. If
it
were integral to the story perhaps. Pointing out that
Naru HAS a boy friend will change the ending a
little.
OTOH you have a chance to use irony. Nephrite/Jadeite
are agonizing over all of this and Naru has
alreadymoved on. ^_^
*sigh* There goes any thought of real life. If I
re-write a lot of this - which I might, it's going to
be LONG *grin* To get that irony I really need to put
a lot more Nephrite into the story.
I think this is the weakest part of the story:
1)It is unnecessarily OOC and changed from the anime.
2)The dialogue and motivations are too simplistic,
considering what has gone before. And considering the
depth of emotions that are involved this seems
tootrite.
It's almost Midnight here so you'll have to excuse the
fact my brain isn't working quite as well as it should
be :) I'm not quite sure if this part refered to the
whole story or just the break-up bit. If it's just the
break up bit I can see your point, and although I
think it pains most writers to seriously change their
first fic I'm actually looking forward to certain
parts of it :)
Thank you so much for your time and comments, they
were realy helpful and interesting :)
Please excuse my poor typing in this - like I said
it's late (or is that early? ^^) here, and while I
would have loved to have replied earlier I've been
working long shifts at my summer job and just haven't
been able to reply in the depth your comments
deserved.
Thank you once again!
Cairnsy
=====
Jadeite/Nephrite fanfiction, art and more by Cairnsy at http://www.geocities.com/cairnsynz/jednef1.html
Memoirs in Jade - a Jadeite Fanfiction archive, includes both yaoi and non-yaoi stories at http://www.geocities.com/jeddyteddy/home.html
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