PITSZU TSAN wrote:
As someone who writes quite a few originals himself, I figure I should
pass commentarry on this. We begin.
Chapter 1: Introduction to the Rival
Your word wrap is about 100 or so. trim that down to 70-75.
Spitefully, he opened a cabinet and took out a glass cup.
He spitefully opened a cabinet? Spitefully is totally out of place here.
Lazily, Yun
opened his fridge and took out a handful of ice.
Well, is he spiteful or lazy. conflicting modifiers.
Closing the door, he
put his cup against the water dispenser, and watched as the clear water
filled the cup.
Did he do anything with the ice, or just hold it and admire the way it
felt?
Sighing, he drank the whole cup down in one gulp. He
slowly walked to the table and looked out the back window.
"What a beautiful morning..." Yun said to himself.
Usually speaking gets it's own paragraph.
He found only one
thing missing, and he slumped his head to the table, falling a sleep
again.
He fell 'a sleep?' I think you mean, he fell asleep.
Later that day, near noon, Yun dressed up in his dark blue uniform. He
put on his jeans and took out his long black coat, and wore it over his
dark blue shirt.
K, so the uniform is just a shirt. Since most uniforms are full body
affairs, make mention of that.
He came out of his room, into the hall way.
Well, shit. Thats simply amazing.
That last sentence is frazed as if he going into the hallway from his
room was something exciting. Reword. And hallway, not hall way.
You have a bad case of See Spot Run disease. Liven it up a little.
Many
people were gone already, only a few were still walking around in the
hallway.
Use a different word. You used hallway last sentence.
Yun started to walk across the carpeted floor.
Was he prevented from continuing? If not, then why say "Started" instead
of just "he walked?"
He got out of
the small hallway into the outside path through the arc to training
room.
More hallway repetition. And this sentence isn't clear.
He went through his locker and picked up his Tri-side sword.
Putting it into it's sheath, Yun walked into the class.
its
Inside the class room were many students and veterans sparring against
each other. Constant sound of metal clangs and sound of blasting aura
filled the massive 'class room'.
So these people spar with real weapons. That's moronic.
The teacher smiled.
"Hello Yun, glad you decided to show up today. Psike's been waiting for
you."
Give this its own paragraph.
The red head veteran smiled and waved at Yun.
Do you perhaps mean the red haired veteran? Or red headed veteran?
Becuase this doesn't work.
Yun smiled
slightly and nodded in response. Ever since they had both enrolled into
the Academy, they had been constant rivals against each other, and
through rivalry, they had formed an uneasy friendship.
no comma after rivalry
"Hey Yun! Glad you made it, I was waiting for someone to fight with."
comma splice. Change the comma to a period.
Psike led Yun into a special training room. It was massive.
You can't describe it better than that?
"Oh, and you even booked a room for us..." The red head's short spiked
hair rustled slightly under the artificial wind. Yun brushed the palm
of his hand against his brown hair. "So, why the special room?"
"Yun, I've had a crush on you since the first time I say you. Let's get
it on. "
Psike answered him with a grin on his face.
"Because my friend, today is the day, when they choose whose going to
be the leader for the mission next week! So this time, don't expect any
mercy from me, cause it's no way you're gonna get that job."
New paragraph
Yun
shrugged. "We'll see about that." In your class, you could be chosen
the best of the class and become the leader of the mission team. If you
were chosen as a leader, there was a good chance of earning reputation
and respect of others, as well as a chance to rise in ranks.
Why did you abruptly switch to second person?
Yun took out his Tri-side sword. Smirking, Psike took out his own
sword, a Blue Blade sword. It gleamed bright blue under the artificial
light of the room. Yun observed the room, filled with rocky cliffs and
planes of different elevations.
you know, description is your friend.
Psike made the first move. Running
forward, he cut down from above. Jumping back, Yun dodged the blow.
Quickly returning to balance,
If he lost his balance while swinging, he must really suck.
Psike swung his sword from left to right
diagonally, and then right to left, then left and right, and again.
Boring sentence
Continuously dodging, Yun brought his sword in the middle of the swing,
knocking off Psike's balance and his own.
Wouldn't he parry just a few of those? either that or counter attack?
I think you mean "knocking Psike off balance as well as himself."
Damn they must suck if they are off balance that often.
Yun recovered first, and
swung his sword down to the ground where a second ago his friend's arm
was lying on.
...that his arm had been laying on a second ago. Don't end a sentence
with a preposition.
"Damn." Panting, Yun swung again, and his blade was met by the Blue
Blade.
So their both unskilled, un coordinated, and out of shape.
Yun retracted, and jumped backwards on to another, higher
plane.
huh?
Psike, smiling, followed Yun, jumping up with his sword in front
of him. Yun took his own sword and swatted away the edge of the blade.
Psike again took the offensive, swinging side ways from the left. Yun
met his blade and left the red head open for attack. Yun, taking full
advantage of the situation, smiled, and collected his orange aura on his
fist, and his fist blazing, he punched right into Psike's chest,
throwing him back dozens of feet right into the wall of another cliff.
1)Run on sentence.
2)If their at sword range, Yun cann't punch Psike. Distance problems.
Psike came down on ground with a strained smile, and then looked up at
Yun. By then, many trainee's had come to watch the fight.
I don't think trainees has an apostrophe.
"Damn that hurt! It's not over yet Yun!" Psike concentrated on his
magic, then shot out a bolt of lightening from his palm. Yun dodged the
bolt, a smoking gap in the ground where he was a second ago. Yun jumped
down,
I though he was lying on his butt?
and charged with his sword, and Psike took on fighting stance
again, concentrating with his eyes closed.
And why doesn't Yun punch him in the head while his eyes are closed?
His Blue Blade shone even
brighter with light,
So far as I know, it wasn't shining to beging with.
as charges of magical electricity started to flow
around it's edge.
its
Yun still charged, with his Tri-side raised up, and swung down very
hard, aiming for Psike's shoulder.
Tri-side is an adjective. He didn't run with his tri-side, he ran with
his sword. Only a noun can be an object of a preposition.
And nix the very
Psike opened his eyes that instant
and raised his own weapon to meet Yun's. The giant charge of light
flashed all throughout the room. Yun was left open for an attack, his
sword raised high in the air, shocked. Before Yun could do anything,
Psike swung his blade upward diagonally, making a cut across Yun's
frontal body.
I'd say the front of his body. It sounds much better.
Yun gritted his teeth as his whole body screamed at him,
and he felt a singeing burn across his stomach. Yun, blinded by the
pain, dropped his sword, and gathered the last of his energy, into his
fists, and unleashed it in a hale of fury. Psike, surprised Yun still
had energy left in him, barely blocked the assault, being knocked off a
few feet and stumbling down on his butt. Yun had caught him by
surprise, but it was obvious who was the winner of the fight. Yun
smiled weakly, giving a salute of congratulation to his rival, as he was
carried off in a small medical bed into the medical center. Psike,
gasping and panting, smiled brightly and waved to the younger veteran.
Final notes. Describe the main characters and the setting as well as the
action. You did none of this.
your fight scene was terrible. It didn't flow at all. Work on that.
Only one person can talk per paragraph and usually thats all a paragraph
will contain.
Miashara