About time I got to this:
"But Shayla-Shayla, I get so lonely when I have to fall
asleep alone... I'm not used to that."
"It doesn't mean you can go to sleep in my damn lap, you
little nympho!"
I see someone's moody because her 'special friend,' Nanami, is missing. ^_^
Shayla whirled on the cat as if at a new threat in battle.
"This little trollop--"
"Trollop!" Alielle exclaimed, in a tone of deepest offense.
Alielle: I'm a slut, thank you very much!
Makoto rang the axe-like head of the Power-Key Staff off one
wall with a reverberating gunshot sound. "Hey!"
Unecessary line break.
Ura hopped off the bed and crossed the floor to rub against
Makoto's legs, purring happily. Makoto bent down with a sigh and
scratched her ears.
About time Maktoto got some pussy. ^_^
"Alielle, Fujisawa-sensei, why don't you take the supplies
up on deck and get breakfast started?" he suggested.
Fujisawa yawned, stretched, scratched himself, then rubbed
his head. "Sounds good." He snagged a pallet of supplies
one-handed from the stack in the corner, and
don't think you need that comma.
breads. Ura slid out of Makoto's arms and sniffed at an
orange-tinged pate. "Smells funny."
"It's a delicacy," Alielle said. "Try some."
Ura nipped at it, and made a face. "Tastes funnier."
That's what makes it a delicacy. The weirder it tastes, the more expensive
the delicacy it is.
After eternity compressed within two heartbeats,
Something about that line is slightly off, even accounting for it being a
style thing. The only thing that comes to mind is 'compressed itself
within' but that sounds weak to me too.
"Miz," he called. "Come over here."
At the helm, Miz looked back questioningly. Then, she eased
the boat to a slow drift, and walked over to where the others are
breakfasting. "Yes?"
Makoto: Come and sit on my magic lap.
A dry smile curved on Afura's bruised face. "Then we'd best
get prepared."
They need a rust monster from D+D about now. ^_^
"Fool," she whispered, and with two quick cuts severed her
own wings. They fell to the grass and began to burn, and blood
black as the grass fountained from the wounds. The
extra space twix 'wounds.' and 'The'
blood hung in
mid-air like a pair of rippling curtains, and then reformed into
black bat-wings. They flapped once, and the pale destroyer swept
upward into the heavens.
Wonderful imagery there.
Despairing, he fell to his knees, and
Again I'm not sure if you need the comma there.
stretched up his hands
towards the pitiless grey sky in supplication to the rapidly-
why the hyphen?
"You were engaged in movements and vocalizations consistent
with somnambulic disturbance. I am required to protect my master
unless ordered to do otherwise. Had your movements threatened to
harm you, I would have intervened."
Aww. How sweet. Lethiaphan is looking after his master. I see some
potential bonding here.
"Oh. Very well, then." Jinnai raised his head from the
Bugrom he'd been using as a pillow, and groaned as his neck
kinked. "Damn things aren't very comfortable to lie on."
What? None of them have cushy exo-skeletons? ^_^
"I am a hierodule."
Jinnai: Well I am heterosexual, so don't you get any funny ideas about
'plugging in to my socket' or anything like that.
"Good for you." He took out his comb and began to arrange
his hair, using Lethiaphan's face as a mirror.
Hehehehe. Cute
In response to
his awakened state, the phosphorescent walls had grown brighter,
and the sleeping Bugrom began to unfold their limbs from their
shells and rise up. Deva wouldn't let Nanami do something stupid
like trying to escape anyway.
Deva: (to Jinnai) She just said she was going to look for the Holy Grail
and would be back in a couple of hours. I didn't think it was cause for
concern. It's not like she said she was trying to escape or something.
"Welcome to a new and glorious morning, my loyal troops!" he
barked. "Are you ready to serve me with all your hearts, even
unto the most horrible deaths imaginable?"
Heh
From a small boat off the starboard bow of the ship, a
tanned, long-haired near-doppelganger of his sister looked back
at him. Her eyes met his, and locked; he almost heard a sound
akin to the click of bolts sliding into place.
While Jinnai was busy looking over the side, Lethiaphan finished bolting
his new cappuccino attachment to his arm. Now nothing could stop him.
Nothing.
She broke the bond; the bolts slid back, and her gaze moved
fractionally away from him, to Lethiaphan. Her eyes went wide;
she shrieked piercingly.
"It's my long lost clock radio!" and she fainted.
"Thank you, sir. God bless you."
Extra space twix 'sir.' and 'God'
No need for that, Jinnai thought smirkingly. He already
has. The
and again here
Lethiaphan lifted a hand, palm up.
"Oh," Jinnai added, "and make sure you do it gently,
please."
Heh. A wise thing to add.
She leaned in close to him, and dropped her voice to a
whisper. "Do you have the slightest idea of how completely nuts
that sounds?"
I think you should insert the line break here and add the next line to the
next paragraph since it seems to have changed to Jinnai's POV.
"No doubt it seems deluded to you, Nanami," he hissed back.
"But all great men are seen as deluded by their contemporaries.
And the succeeding generations tar and feather their memory in an
attempt to feel better about their own weakness..." The roster
of names scrolled through his head, his heroes: Machiavelli,
Napoleon, Nietzsche
Harnumo
reduced to madness in the last years of his
life...
And writing fanfics. Oh how low the mighty had fallen. ^_^
"It seems deluded because it _is_ deluded. Did you ever
hear God talking to you before you came here?"
Jinnai: Not in so many words, no.
"No. But that was then, and this is now. Things have
changed," he shot back. "The status quo, as such, has shifted.
If you could see the dreams I've seen, Nanami--"
"Dreams?" she interrupted. "What dreams?"
Jinnai: You, me, and Makoto. Lots of whip cream and leather. Oh the fun we
all have. That is why I must make my dreams a reality.
"Oh." Shayla's voice held the threat of fire in it, like
the glowings of a coal. "And you didn't decide to tell me this
until now because?"
What difference would it make if that is their destination no matter what?
She snorted. "I'd love to, but I think you've got the
advantage here." She glanced pointedly to where the Bugrom and
Deva stood in the surf, seemingly fascinated by the breaking of
the waves upon their ankles; out in the shallows, Lethiaphan swam
slow and patient circles around the boats.
hehehe. Now that paints one interesting picture.
"I'm not a tyrant, Nanami." His fingers caressed the smooth
metal of the staff he'd taken from the false angels of the
Phantom Tribe. "I brought Nahato aboard, didn't I?"
Actually, that just goes to show how stupid he is.
"Only after you threw him over the side in the first place."
Which goes to show he isn't all that bad.
"Perhaps that was a hasty decision." He frowned. "Still, I
want to know just how he got free. And what happened to turn him
into a drooling wreck."
"...end of hope, pinnacle of despair, devourer of..."
Nanami: Watched the End of Evangelion, I'd wager.
Jinnai looked away from the now semi-conscious girl. Her
father was hurrying down the rough path leading down from the
cliffs, something cupped in his hands. As
Actually, there seems to be an extra space inbetween the sentences. It must
be the mailer or something. Disregard what I said earlier about them.
"We must welcome all who come to us, no matter their form.
It does not fall to us to judge."
What a good little sheep she is. Jinnai should enjoy ruling over her people
if she's any indication of what they're like.
Tempermental, he thought. Wonder why?
Jealousy. Although maybe Deva can fall for Nanami. Then when Shayla comes
along...^_^
They stopped a short distance away, and Perra bade him sit
down upon the sand. His fastidiousness repelled f
'rebelled' perhaps?
She pinched some beach sand between her fingers, and
dribbled it into the bowl of his palms. "Almighty God, this thy
blessed sand, I thy servant placate thee, I thy vessel call to
thee, fill me with thy grace, make blossom the seed of power that
you have placed within me. Not for mine own greater glory, Lord,
but for thine, do I ask this."
And a voice boomed down from above. "Forget it, bitch!'
Her voice began to fade out, along with his vision. As
before, he seemed to stand within a long dark tunnel; only there
was no one else here with him, and he was falling, falling,
falling...
falling in love. <insert appropriate Julee Cruise song>
Hmm. Not as much to say about this one. The interaction between Jinnai and
Perra was interesting, and the build up to Shayla's big secret (for the
reader) fit well, though it ought to be something big, like a kid she left
behind or ex-husband or something with the way she's behaving. Aside from
that this felt like a filler (by necessity) and didn't accompish much by
itself. Which just makes me want to see the next one all the sooner. So get
to work man. Get to work.
D.B. Sommer