Date: Fri, 26 Nov 1999 22:37:47 -0800 (PST)
From: heidibri <cairnsynz@yahoo.com> | Block
address
Reply-to: cairnsynz@yahoo.com
Subject: [FFML] [FanFic] [S.M] [Yaoi] Next Time You
Fall in Love - C&C
please
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Hi,
My comments ##
Next Time You Fall In Love
Disclaimer: none of the characters in this fic belong
to me but the writer of Sailor Moon. I'm not planning
to make any money out of this etc.
##You _might_ mention the creators name {Takeuchi
Naoko}, just as a courtesy. I feel rather strongly
about that. Fanfiction writers are using another
persons creativity so they should at least be
mentioned by name in the disclaimer.
"Next Time You Fall in Love" Is written by Andrew
Lloyd Webber and is from Starlight Express. If you
forget that the song sometimes has things to do with
the train it makes for a pretty cool song fic!
##See, here you mentioned A. L. Webber. ^_^
This deals with m/m situations - but even pg-13 could
be too high a rating. However, if this sort of thing
bothers you don't read it.
Extra note -song lyrics are in '__', normal speaking
is in "__". Just to avoid any confusion!
And a BIG thank you and bone crushing hug to Joanne
for all her help in fixing up my grammar etc :) Thanks
to everyone else who also took the time out to answer
my questions, it was very much appriciated.
A quick note on the story, it is actually just a
'moment' type fic. It was originally supposed to be a
one off type story so there is not much background
information. I don't think I'm making much sense -
sorry :) Hopefully if you read the story you will
understand what I am trying to get across!
##IMO an author should _NEVER_ explain her/his story
NOR should he/she APOLOGIZE for the story. If you have
to explain it, re-write it. If you have to apologize
for it - - -
re-write it or don't publish it. Among other things
the author has just prejudiced the reader. :(
Let the story speak for itself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A kareoke bar. Great. Jadeite sighed as he lowered
himself down into a seat. Whose idea had this been
anyway? He winced as an off-key note was struck once
again by the person bellowing on stage - whatever he
was doing, it sure wasn't singing. Why had he agreed
to come along anyway? It meant bad music, loud crowds
and ...
##^_^ Well, I'm inclined to think you are brilliant at
this point since I used kareoke in Sukeban chp. 6. ^_~
Nice, nice opening. Sets the mood, setting and a
little of the characterization in only 59 words. Good
job.
"Kunzite! There you are!" Zoisite squealed as he
dumped himself into the older General's lap, right
next to Jadeite.
##Errrrr, Squealed??? I'll accept Zoi as the "fem" but
"squealed" was a shocker. Leave it if you must. IMO it
would be better to tone it down just a tad.
"I missed you," He whispered into Kunzite's ear,
wrapping his arms around his neck. With a laugh,
Kunzite returned the hug before lifting the smaller
General off his lap and placing him on his own chair.
##Hmmm, OK Nice dialogue, nice characterizations.
"It's been 5 minutes - all you did was go to the
bathroom," Zoisite pouted.
##I'm a little confused. Kunzite was sitting and Zoi
came to him. But NOW it appears, from Zoi's comments
that Kunzite was the one who left. ???
"Does that mean you didn't miss me?" Kunzite laughed
again before placing a kiss softly on his partner's
lips.
"Of course I did!"
... the happy couple. It would make Jadeite sick if he
wasn't so damn happy for them. Just because he was
happy for them, though, didn't mean he had to like the
way they were so emotional and physical in public.
##somewhat confusing start to this passage. Try:
**The happy couple!**
OR, more conventionally
The happy couple! He thought sourly.
Also Jadeite is being very OOC. Why should he be "so
damn happy" for them, or any one else? The generals,
in the Anime at any rate, were deadly rivals. (If this
characterization is based on the manga, with which I
am only slightly familiar, state this in the
beginning.) Now I don't mind OOC if it's explained in
the story. OTHO you stated this was a one-off story.
Still it's always better to take the time to set the
stage and explain things. Of course many times this
means turning a short story into a novel. ^)^ OR some
VERY creative writing.
*Oh don't lie to yourself,* Jadeite thought wryly.
*You don't like it because your jealous* He sighed
again. He knew the pair weren't deliberately trying to
bring up old and painful memories,
##you're
Nice. now you are introducing the concept that there
is a history between Jadeite and ???
but knowing that
didn't help, or dam the flow. Before he could delve
into more self pity the object of those old memories
placed four drinks on the table. Nephrite. Jedeite
fought a wave of anger, and something else, as
Nephrite sat down beside him with a smile of greeting.
The smile wavered slightly from the cold glare he
received in return and the auburn haired General
quickly looked away, causing Jadeite to miss the flash
of pain that crossed his face.
##This section was a little clunky. Not bad, just not
as smoothly written as earlier passages. IMO the
sentence introducing Nephrite is confusing due to
formatting.
I'd set Nephrite's name off by
**Nephrite**
OR
. . .drinks on the table.
Nephrite.
Jadeite fought a wave . . .
Or something. ^_^
Break that last very long sentence into smaller bits.
*Hell - is he ever going to forgive me?* Nephrite
thought dejectedly, ignoring the look of sympathy from
Zoisite. It had been two months. Two months since they
had been released from Beryl's spell and left to lead
a vaguely normal life.
##OK, now we have the explanation. ^_^
A lot of things are dictated by the pace of the story
and what feels right to the author. IMO if would be
better to move _this_ bit of explanatory text to the
very start of the story. This might mitigate some of
the very jarring character changes. ^_^
Two months since they had all
regained their memories of the Silver Millennium. Two
months since he had remembered that Jadeite and he had
been lovers, in every sense of the word. Two months
since Jadeite had discovered that Nephrite had died
saving the person he loved - and it hadn't been him.
##Cute.
He could still remember the hurt look that had crossed
Jadeite's face - how could he forget? It was
permanently imprinted in his brain. Since then Jadeite
had refused to let him explain, although how he could
explain what had happened, he had no idea. He owed
Naru everything - she had saved his soul, and he
truelly ##Truly
cared for her - but love? As King ##???
Nephrite of
the Dark Kingdom certainly, but as plain old Nephrite,
free of Beryl's influences?
##Ummm, If I understand you correctly you are
postulating that during that part of the anime
Nephrite was entirely free of Beryl's influence AND
had all of his previous memories when he declared his
love for Naru. IF this is the case he has a LOT of
explaining to do. OTOH Nephrite WAS under a lot of
stress. And where was Jadetie? Eternal Sleep, that's
where. He'd fallen into the darkness from which no one
ever returns. What was Nephrite supposed to do? Just
wait around forever?
Nephrite downed half his glass in one gulp. He knew
Molly still cared -
##
"Molly??? First this Naru girl. And now MOLLY? A
_gaijin_??? Nephrite, how c . . .could you! I've given
you the worst years of my life. Slaved over a boiling
cauldron, drained humans of energy for you. And THIS
is how you repay me?" Driving a sword through
Nephrite's hearts Jadeite ran away, sobbing.
^_^
<SNIP>
After all, he had only been
glancing at the other man because he hadn't answered
Zoisite's question, right? A small voice at the back
of his mind ever-so-kindly reminded him that he had
been staring at the other man *before* Zoisite had
asked him if he'd wanted a refill or not.
##??? When was this? I've read over the preceding
passages several times and this is not apparent to me.
Found where Nephrite place four drinks on a table. Did
not find anyone actually asking if Jadeite wanted a
refill.
Taking a
very un-Jadeite-like swig of his drink he almost
missed Kunzite dragging a confused Zoisite
##He's not the only one. ^_^
onto the
dance floor, leaving Jadeite alone with Nephrite.
Somehow Jadeite didn't think that Kunzite had decided
on an off-chance to dance right then.
*Bastard*
##Ummm, who it thinking this? and who is the bastard?
<SNIP>
He had heard through
Zoisite that Nephrite had asked Naru if she could give
him some time to sort things out - or, as Jadeite saw
it, to break all ties with him. But as long as
Nephrite didn't say the words ... damn! When had he
sunk so low that he couldn't even face reality
anymore? He felt like laughing. Or crying. Damn he was
pathetic.
Nephrite watched with concern the emotions that played
across Jadeite's handsome face. He felt like kicking
himself, and hard.
##Ummmm, too much "felt like" too close together.
Anything he could try to say, any
comfort or explanation he could attempt to offer
Jadeite was sure to be shot down before it was even
half way out of his mouth.
"Want to dance?" He asked simply instead.
##very convoluted IMO.
He asked instead
OR
He asked simply
OR
Was all he said
OR
"Want to dance?" ##By itself, let the rest be
understood from context.
Jadeite hid his surprise well, but not his indecision.
##Ummm, IMO the indecision DOES indicate his surprise.
At any rate this, IMO, is a little awkward.
Taking matters into his own hands Nephrite stood up
and taking Jadeite by the hand gently, led him
unprotestingly to the dance floor.
Jadeite supposed that ex-lovers should keep a certain
amount of distance between themselves as they fitted
together, but it just_felt_right to be held close in
the older mans embrace. Sighing, he rested his head on
Nephrite's shoulder, trying to deny the wave of
familiarity that washed over him, bringing with it
emotions he'd spent the last two months trying to
suppress. It had been so long since he had been held
by someone, anyone, and as he felt himself melt
against his partner's body he for once ignored the
voice in his head that was reminding him of much he
had lost as a small smile formed on his lips. Unknown
to him his partner was having the exact same thoughts
and unconsciously pulled the younger man closer,
wishing that he never had to let go.
## Nice.
"Hey Nef - fancy seeing you here - hi Jadeite!"
Jadeite felt like burying his head in Nephrite's hair
in disbelief. What was Naru doing here? As the two
quickly separated Jadeite noticed that Naru hadn't
come alone - Usagi was with her.
*Could this get any worse?*
##Ummmm, well they _could_ have invited the Death
Busters. Pharo 90 is _such_ a party animal.
"Hey Naru, Usagi" Nephrite responded. Was it just him
or did Nephrite sound a touch ... frustrated? Noticing
that Kunzite and Zoisite had returned to their table
he quickly excused himself, heading back.
He probably
would have chuckled at the look of disbelief that was
on his friends faces - they had seen the girl's
untimely entrance as well, if he had been paying
attention.
##Now THAT was convoluted. Another one of those
grey-area things. I personally don't like it. BUT IMO
it's very much authors choice and not a story killer.
<SNIP>
"What makes you so sure?" Now that Jadeite hadn't been
expecting.
"What do you mean - he loved Molly ##????
enough to save her,
died for her. How much more proof could you want?" He
replied, turning to Kunzite who had asked the
question. Comprehension dawned
in Kunzite's eyes.
"That is what this is all about isn't it?" He
questioned, holding Jadeite's gaze until the younger
man lowered his head.
"I don't know what you mean," Jadeite replied, voice
barely above a whisper.
"Nephrite was in the same room when Beryl put you into
eternal sleep, wasn't he?" The silence was the only
confirmation he needed as Zoisite cursed under his
breath.
"And he didn't do anything, or react did he? Not like
Zoi or me, and not like with Mol##???
..." He was
interrupted as Jadeite slammed his drink down on the
table.
"No he didn't. Could we talk about something else? The
weather perhaps?"
##NICE motivation. Very nice. I didn't see this one
coming at all.
<SNIP>
"Back when you were in charge, the control over us was
at it's strongest. It suppressed all of our emotions,
buried all of our previous memories. After you were
put in eternal sleep Nephrite spent three whole months
with Naru before he began to feel anything for her. It
wasn't until just before Nephrite died that I realised
I was in love with Kunzite, and much later until he
realised he was in love with me. Remember Jadeite,
Kunzite and I were a couple a long time before you and
Nephrite - and it took that long for the control over
us to slip. There was no way that Nephrite could have
recognised any feelings towards you at the time of
your imprisonment, no matter how much he loved you."
With the last statement Jadeite lowered his head,
hiding his eyes again.
##Very nice explanation.
<SNIP>
"Naru's and I need to talk about a couple of things -
we'll be back in a few of minutes ok?" he questioned
with a smile. He then became serious as he turned to
Jadeite.
##<ouch> This dialogue is not up to previous
standards. Try again.
<SNIP>
he was now stalking up and down the
small room cursing himself in languages that this
planet never knew had existed.
##awkward. re-write
<SNIP>
"You didn't hurt yourself did you?" he questioned
softly, pressing his lips gently against the knuckles.
As Jadeite looked at him in bewilderment Nephrite
sighed.
"Jadeite I ... , I mean" Nephrite tried
unsuccessfully.
##Doesn't seem to fit. Perhaps:
"Jadeite I . . .we . . ." Nephrite seemed flustered.
IMO "we" segues into Jadeite's next sentence better
than "I"
<SNIP>
As he did he
noticed a female clap before waving of the singer on
the stage.
##Confusing.
"Thank-you very much Lena - I'll never see �My Heart
Will Go On' in the same way again.
##Confusing. (and what's with the mix of Japanese and
gaijin names?)
Perhaps:
"Thank you very much Lena. I'm sure I speak for
everyone in the audience when I say we'll never hear
�My Heart Will Go On'
sung like this again."
{just needs to be made clear exactly what is being
said. I found it confusing as written}
<SNIP>
"Like a teenager who has just been dumped. First she
begged. Then she yelled. Then she cried." Nephrite
groaned in memory.
"Usagi ended up having to drag her out of the bar, she
was making that much of a fuss."
"She was in love with you, Jadeite responded quietly
##Ummm. Naru has been going with Umino so, IMO, it
would be better to use that rather than introduce
another anomaly. Also recall that Naru risked her life
to save Nephrite. IMO it's better to avoid
complications and use Umino to dissolve the
Naru/Nephrite bond.
"<SNIP>
Overall: Nice slice of life. Some rough spots.
1)Put the dialogue explaining that they have been
released from the thrall of the DK at the beginning.
2)Smooth some of the rough spots. Especially make
clear who is speaking to/about whom.
3)I really don't like the Naru/Nephrite breakup. If it
were integral to the story perhaps. Pointing out that
Naru HAS a boy friend will change the ending a little.
OTOH you have a chance to use irony. Nephrite/Jadeite
are agonizing over all of this and Naru has already
moved on. ^_^
I think this is the weakest part of the story:
1)It is unnecessarily OOC and changed from the anime.
2)The dialogue and motivations are too simplistic,
considering what has gone before. And considering the
depth of emotions that are involved this seems too
trite.
=====
When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
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