In a message dated 11/26/99 02:54:17 AM, razgataz@home.com writes:
This is the first time I've C&C'ed a teaser...
(Please reply to mail: What do you think?)
Oh, you mean What.Do@You.Think.com? ;p
Raz and Dave Catt presents a small peek at the new spin off of
Kyuuketsuki Satsujinsha No Akane.
And now...
Although it'd be nice if you didn't double-space your teaser, but rather,
add an extra paragraph break between paragraphs, which is one of the
standards of fanfiction writing styles.
In Doublin, England. Mid 1700's
The young man in his early 20's ran outside of the tavern. It was
When using numbers, it usually reads better if they're not in digits, but
written out. Use early twenties instead. Of course, that's up to you.
dead of night, and he was thoroughly drunk, just coming from a popular
tavern. Running around outside, he noticed a beautiful blonde lady,
beckening him towards her. Hyptonized, the young man followed her,
under arches and around buildings, he finally caught up with her.
This sentence doesn't read right, because it's missing a transition phrase.
Adding a 'before' between 'buildings,' and 'he.'
She held him tight and put her lips to his. To the drunk young man,
nothing
seemed to be out of the ordinary. Instead of the kiss he was expecting,
the
I think it'd be a good idea to split this paragraph after 'oridinary.'
woman plunged her sharp fangs into his neck, still holding the man tight
>from shaking all over the place. With a surprised gasp, the man's head
dropped into her shoulders. She took one of her sharp nails, and ran it
through the top of her breasts, drawing her own blood out, and the man's
head dropped lower, his lips touching her flowing red blood...
Gee, isn't that hard to do, drinking blood from one of her breasts, when his
head is over her shoulder, thanks to this woman drinking from his neck? ;)
OVER 200 YEARS AGO, HE BECAME A SADISTIC, COLD BLOODED KILLER. NOW
CURSED
WITH A HUMAN SOUL AND HIS GUILT, HE NOW WALKS THE EARTH SEEKING
REDEMPTION.
HE IS ANGEL;
An angel who kills his victims in cold-blood? Hmm.
I take it that he's going to meet Akane, the Vampire Slayer later on?
Get rid of that semi-colon. Use a peroid instead.
>From the associates of:
KYUUKETSUKI SATSUJINSHA NO AKANE
or Akane the Vampire Slayer, comes a new story...
A spin off from the popular KYUUKETSUKI SATSUJINSHA NO AKANE, comes
|--------------|
___
/-\ /-------------\ _______ | |______ |
|
/__\ | | | ___|_ |
______| | |
/------\ | | | | |__ | |
|______ | |______
/_____\ |____|___ | |_______| |--------------|
|__===___|
| |
(Angel)
This is diffuclt to read, even after switching to a monospace font such as
Courier.
Maybe it got screwed up?
Razgataz@home.com Writer of Angel Cross Over.
catthouse@lweb.net Creator and Writer of KYUUKETSUKI SATSUJINSHA
NO AKANE
(All copywrites to WB and other respectable companies.)
You forgot to add Rumiko Takahashi, for her Akane. ^_^
DA/R
Dark Alpha <AlphSailor@aol.com>